


BLOODSPORT

by jinyoungsmeat



Category: GOT7, Red Velvet (K-pop Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Actor! Yugyeom, Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bottom Kim Yugyeom, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Confused childhood memory, Dancer Kim Yugyeom, Eventual Romance, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'll tag more soon, Jinyoung have a girlfriend, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Smut, Top Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Triggers, Writer AU, Yugyeom have a crazy mother, actor! Youngjae, actor! bambam, actor! jaebeom, anal sex for the first time, director! Jackson, model! Mark, polemic Yugyeom, tattoed! Yugyeom, they are adapting a book on film, writer! Jinyoung
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 140,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23273521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinyoungsmeat/pseuds/jinyoungsmeat
Summary: Park Jinyoung is a renowned writer. Currently, his books, acclaimed by everyone as the voice of the gay public in Korea, are on the best-selling list of 2019, and his new work, Bloodsport, is his first book to win a film version.Or: where Jinyoung is a famous writer and Yugyeom is the actor he didn’t want to see playing his main character.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Kim Yugyeom, Kim Yugyeom/Park Jinyoung, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Im Jaebum | JB, Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang, Park Jinyoung (GOT7)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 160
Kudos: 211





	1. the birth of a legend

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking of leaving this story on file for a few months, or just giving up on it (despite having already finished all the writing), but I have realized that I have left everything I like to do in the background these days, and I believe that in calamity days we must occupy our minds with things that please us, so, after much thought, I decided that I would not file and much less give up, I know I have another au in progress, but what is the world without another au Jingyeom? Things are already too difficult for me to just stop publishing this new au... I hope you like it and that this is a way to occupy your minds with the bad things that have been happening.
> 
> I also hope that everyone is well.  
> Have a good reading!

**\- i -**

When Park Jinyoung graduated from a literature course at NYU in New York City, he was nineteen, and he knew he needed to do more to earn money. His girlfriend — Do Heejin —, who was finishing medical school, was tired of asking the man to get a good job at some company because they had too many bills to pay and his private classes weren’t enough.

And he knew she was right, his lessons weren’t enough, they had too many debts and Heejin couldn’t keep them with her part-time internship at the hospital. Maybe that's why Jinyoung did so many interviews in publicity companies. However, even if he had the experience, Jinyoung hadn’t vocation for publicity, he had no passion for it.

And even with all the debts and fights with Heejin about money, he decided that he would stay for only six months in the company that he had just been hired to get a good job at some renowned school in New York... at least it was what he thought.

A year and a half later, Jinyoung was still in the same job, with the same debts and the same fights. Heejin had begun to suggest that Jinyoung need to talk to his mother and borrow money from her. His boss had begun to upset him too, saying that he wasn’t good at what he was trying to do and that he would end up without a job and without a house.

Jinyoung's life was chaos and he knew half of it was his fault. He had left home too soon, with no chance of getting his part of his grandfather's patrimony. He fought with his mother and dropped everything she had planned for him to pursue his dream of going to college outside the country and he had a lousy job that paid him badly, with a crazy boss.

It was his fault and Jinyoung knew it. Maybe that's why, after drinking some beer, Jinyoung started to express his thoughts through fictional characters on Wattpad. He couldn’t imagine that someone would read his stories, which until then were silly and not very elegant.

Two years later, with more than a million followers on Twitter, millions of views on sites like Wattpad, Social spirit, and Archive of our Own, Park Jinyoung received an email that left him confused:

From: ceosakurapcompany@gmail.com

To: yohanie@gmail.com

Dear written,

I unfortunately still don’t know your name. I discovered through my niece that your fans call you “Yohanie” and that no one knows for sure who you are behind your fake profile and your characters. But before I say something more or what I have to propose, I will introduce myself quickly, okay? My name is Park Sung-Woong, I am the owner and CEO of Sakura Publishing Company. We currently have countless books in number 1° on bestselling and most acclaimed by the public list. Our company won, three consecutive years, the Seoul Books Award's and gained merit day by day. This year we’re looking for a new name, a new voice... having said that, I am curious to know something about you... Why someone as talented and inspiring as you hasn’t been discovered yet? On the other hand, maybe should I say that I am glad to know that I was the first to find you? Yes. I am glad about that and so I have a proposal to make you... how about publishing a book in a good company instead of continuing to make your stories available on sites that will not earn you money? What I am trying to say is that Sakura Publishing Company and I are interested in publishing your books. Exclusively.

All you have to do is contact us through the number you will find in this email. I must say that I will be waiting anxiously for your possible connection.

 **CEO Park Sung-Woong** , Sakura Publishing Company.

Despite having won many fans by publishing his stories on the internet, Jinyoung couldn’t believe in that e-mail. It was impossible that a huge publishing company have read his stories and was interested in publishing it.

It was impossible!

The twenty-two-year-old boy threw the publisher's name on Google in hopes of finding a prank, but all he found was pages and more pages of articles, awards, videos of famous writers related to Sakura Publishing Company.

He took off his glasses and put his hand on his mouth.

“Alright...” he told himself. “The publisher does exist, but it doesn’t mean that the fucking CEO emailed me, right? It could be a prank from some Wattpad hater, that's it!” Jinyoung said to himself.

However, after trying to forget, Jinyoung found himself on the balcony of the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, phone in hand, and the number in a paper. He bites his mouth.

“I'll know if it's tricky if I call...” he tried to convince himself, knowing he could get in trouble if it was a misleading proposition. He sighed and dropped his phone. “No. I can’t do it.” he said seriously, but he knew deep down that it was a lie. He wanted to call. He really wanted...

“ _Sakura Publishing Company, Nam Ji-hyun talking. How can I help you today?”_

Jinyoung's eyes were the size of two balls.

It was impossible.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Ah…” the young man licked his lips. “Good-” he shut up. It was day in Korea. He sighed deeply. “Good morning. I am Yohanie. The writer, Yohanie.” Jinyoung tried to sound convincing. “I received an e-mail from your publisher about one of my manuscripts”.

“ _Yohanie?”_ the woman caught her air. “ _Can you tell me your last name, sir?”_

“Oh!” Shit. “It's just that… well, I write anonymously and got an email from you, the person introduced himself as Park Sung-Woong and said that I should call that number if I had interest”.

“ _Ah, I understand sir_.” of course it was a lie. “ _Unfortunately-_ ”

“I am the writer of Come back soon to Seoul...?” something made him say it aloud, maybe he was trying to humiliate himself more, but it wasn't hard to try. What can be lost now?

“ _Oh!”_ there was a buzz on the other end of the phone as if the woman was making sure of something. “ _The nameless writer? Are you really the 'Yohanie' from the digital book Come back soon to Seoul?”_

“Yes, yes!” Jinyoung nodded even if the woman couldn’t see him on the phone. “It's me. Did you really send me an email?”

“ _Yeah!”_ the woman said happily. “ _It's a pleasure to be talking to you, mr. Yohanie, our team has been looking for you for some time, I'm asking you to wait a moment, I'll be passing the call to our editor_ ”.

“Oh. Okay.” was it true then? Had a company looked for him or his dreaming against Heejin in bed? The boy's heart sped up as soon as he heard the line being opened again. “Okay”.

 _“Hi. Kim Woo Bin, editor of Sakura Publishing Company._ ” Jinyoung's jaw dropped. He knew that name like no one, Kim Woo Bin was simply the best editor in the world, and he had won so many awards. “ _So... how can I call you, Mr. Yohanie?_ "

“Ah. Hello…” Jinyoung coughed scared. He got up, was starting to hyperventilate. “Park Jinyoung. My name is Park Jin Young”.

" _Park Jin Young? Like the singer..."_ the headmaster laughed on the other end of the line. “ _Mr. Park, I think we have a lot to talk about, but first I want to make sure that you understand that the e-mail you received is real, we are interested in working with you. We want to publish your book Come back soon to Seoul...”_

**— ■ —**

A year later, Park Jinyoung's name had been so many times searched on Google that its fans began to create awards for every new search. He had become a renowned writer.

His books, acclaimed by every gay person in Korea and the world, have entered the best-selling lists countless times, earning him awards and a legion of fans and followers.

It was not more than two years before Jinyoung entered Korea's list of highest-paid writers. Then it wasn’t more than six months before his new book, Bloodsport, have one and two major film studios interested in adapting the book to the movies.

“That's it...!” Jinyoung smiled at his agent, shaking hands with the DORYA Studio CEO, who had just bought the copyrights for the film adaptation of Bloodsport. It was another dream come true. “I'll finally get my book turned into a movie, hyung”.

“Congratulations, you deserve it!” Jinyoung’s agent said to him, smiling. “Now let's go, the photographers are waiting for you. Let's give the big news to your fans”.


	2. he is your Kang Woojin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sseunie!”
> 
> “No Jinyoung, I let you impersonate all cadets for Yohan because I know how important he is to you, but I will not let you put Taemin in this character just because you two became friends and you made a promise while you’re drunk!” the Chinese shouted the last part, impatient. “Lim Jaebeom is Kang Woojin and you know it”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow Aunt Haila, why did you do a double publication? I thought it would be different, to draw more attention ... I hope it worked out hahah and I hope you like this au as much as you like the others that are available on my profile. I promise to update every Thursday.
> 
> Stay at home and be safe. I am praying for all of us.  
> Have a good reading time!

**\- i –**

“Can you do scene 15 again?” Jinyoung, the screenwriter and director assistant of Bloodsport, asked the boy once again. “I don’t think you got it right... can you do it again?”

The boy, Kim Taehyung, an actor known for working with famous directors, glanced quickly at his agent, who nodded for the boy to repeat.

“Yeah. Of course”.

Jinyoung waved to the camera operator and then his assistant stepped down the clapper, giving the start to the writer to scream 'action'.

Taehyung's eyes looked like two balls when the boy looked back at them, and in them, Jinyoung sought to see his main character, Song Yo Han, who was a boy who had to drop his ice skating career after a scandal blow in his face and that his parents make disappear from the media, but not out of the boy's head.

“Cut!” Jinyoung shouted impatiently, turning to the director, who was his longtime friend. Jackson rubbed his eyes as he heard his friend complain again. “It's not him”.

“You said that about the last twenty-two candidates, Jinyoung.” the Chinese recalled in a whisper, tired. They were doing the screening process for the cast of Jinyoung's book adaptation, Bloodsport, for hours now. “I think we should close for today, let's go home and let's review the footage. There must have been someone good enough”.

“I don’t want someone 'good enough', I want someone excellent!”

Jackson was sure that it would be a problem working with Jinyoung before he even agreed to direct his friend's film because the Korean was overly rigorous when it came to his books, and now that he had finally made his dream of turning one of his manuscripts on film, in reality, he was even more annoying to Jackson.

“Okay, there must be somebody exc-”

“I'm sorry to interrupt” Kim Taehyung caught everyone's attention. Jinyoung turns to face him. “But I can do differently if you give me one more chance”.

Jinyoung sighed heavily.

He had seen enough. Taehyung wasn’t his Yo Han. Period.

“I bet you can.” he said with a careful smile on his lips. “But for the moment, we're going to close the tests, our agent will contact you when the test results come out, until then, thank you for your dedication”.

Taehyung, despite having smiled back, was aware that the paper wouldn’t be his. It was written in the writer's face.

He politely said goodbye to everyone and followed his agent out of the studio, complaining about never think about accepting the man’s ideas of running after alternative roles like that again.

Inside DORYA studio, Jinyoung arranged his things to go back to his house, where he hoped to have the patience to review all the tests they had done so far.

“Promise me you'll try to think about Kim Taehyung?” the Chinese asked, seeing his friend frown. “The last candidate, Jinyoung, for God's sake!" He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Call me when you get here okay? Let's discuss the other characters and start planning to advertise for secondary roles”.

“Huh.” Jinyoung nodded.

“Tell Heejin that I said hello”.

“I'll call you later”.

**— ■ —**

Sometime later, when he was home, Jinyoung poured a glass of wine and sat down in front of the computer, ready to watch the tests for the lead role for his film.

He wrote a few things in some candidate’s profiles to talk to Jackson when he called, and with each video, he realized some details that had been left out. He took his phone:

 **From:** Park Jinyoung  
 **To:** Sseunie  
I was watching the first tests… I think we can do something with the number ten, Bambam. I think he's Thai. Cannot you see a bit of Nam Jisung in him? Tell me what you think after watching this.

After sending the message, he tried to focus on Kim Taehyung’s test, whom Jackson had liked for the lead role but the writer didn’t see that. It wasn’t that Taehyung wasn’t a good actor, Jinyoung had watched some of his dramas, but he simply didn’t fit in the Song Yohan character.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung heard his longtime girlfriend, Do Heejin, asked. The woman took off her lab coat and loosened her hair, she probably just getting out of a double shift at the hospital. “Jinyoung?”

“I'm working on the ratings from today.” he replied, opening some space to his girlfriend, who sat on his leg. “Jackson is forcing me to review this boy's tester”.

“Isn’t that actor from… ah, how was the name again? Two Stars from a Lonely Moon drama? Kim Taehyung if I'm not wrong”.

The man nodded, smoothing his girlfriend's back as she watched the actor's evaluation.

“He is good!” Heejin seemed to see the same as Jackson. “Do you guys know it's going to be him? He looks good for Yo-han”.

But good wasn’t excellent and Jinyoung wanted someone excellent.

He denied.

“Well... I am sure you’ll find the right person soon-” the woman was interrupted by a phone call. “Jackson?”

“Yes… wait a minute.” Jinyoung said getting up, heading toward the balcony. “Sseunie?”

“ _I think he's perfect for Nam Jisung, Jinyoung-ah!_ ” the Chinese said excitedly, playing the video again. “ _I was so tired that I didn’t think about it. Maybe that's why we didn’t see him as Yohan because he's Jisung_ ”.

“Right?” Jinyoung felt excited. This was the first time they'd agreed to something. “He's fun, light and has a few peculiar traits, I think he's the perfect actor for our Jisung”.

“ _So I can talk to the rest of the team and our producers?_ ”

“Calm down!” Jinyoung complained. “First we have to test the boy on the right paper, what if he doesn’t do well with Jisung's lines? Let's call him tomorrow, before the tests for Se Young's role and see what could happen”.

The Chinese sighed. He preferred to close the paper at once, but he understood Jinyoung's side, it was more professional to test him in the role they saw him before simply hiring the boy.

“ _Okay, I'm going to send a message to his agency asking for a second date for tomorrow in the first hour_ ”.

When Jinyoung returned to the office, happy and wanting to tell Heejin about the possibility of closing a contractor, the man realized that he had spent an hour and a half on the phone. His girlfriend was gone, she wasn’t even awake anymore.

He leaned against the door and smiled, watching the woman sleep peacefully.

He could tell about everything to her the next day.

**\- ii -**

“Perfect!” Jinyoung and Jackson shouted in unison, standing up with the other staff to applaud the Thai actor who had just passed his second screen test as Nam Jisung. “It was fantastic, Bambam-ssi. I have so much fun watching you”.

“And I can guarantee, as someone who knows him for almost seven years that just a few people can make him laugh.” Jackson completed, excited by his friend's excitement. He called one of the writers and handed Bambam's notes to him, asking for the changes to be reviewed by everyone. “… so, as I was saying, congratulations. You were fantastic”.

“Seriously?” Bambam smiled excitedly. Jackson didn’t know that, but the boy had found out about the tests through Mark, the Chinese boyfriend. Mark and Bambam were from the same model company, they were friends for some time and Mark made Bambam swear he would tell Jackson about his friendship only after getting the contract. The boy smile, happy. “Thank you, it’s mean a lot to me”.

“We're going to make some changes, I think some of the things you brought to the character are very good, and I want to use some if you let me, of course.” Jinyoung blustered, typing a message to his agents, saying that they would need a contract for one of the secondary roles. “And I want to guarantee to you that we want to close a contract to Nam Jisung character. It’s a one-year contract since some actors need some time to know the characters well and, if we need it, we can make an extension”.

“Oh. Okay.” Bambam nod. “This is fine to me”.

“Our lawyers will contact your company.” Jinyoung said using his professional ton. “They will guide you and after signing the papers, you have free will to communicate to your fans about your character... without spoiling anything about the adaptation, of course”.

“He’s even doing jokes now.” Jackson whispered in a burst of laughter, patting his friend's back. “See you soon Bambam-ssi?”

“Yeah. Yeah!” Bambam smiled excitedly, shaking hands with both of them. He had already done some dramas, but none was as relevant as that role. He was really happy. “Thanks for the opportunity”.

“Oh no dear, thank you for allowing me to meet Jisung that way”.

**— ■ —**

A few hours later Bambam had already left the studio, the producer of the film was eager to see the tests of the day and Jinyoung, despite being happy for his Jisung, wasn’t very excited about the main roles. They first tested some actresses for Se Young’s character but none of them looked good. A few hours later, they watched three actors, until a cold-looking young man captured their attention.

“Say your name, age and role test for today”.

“Lim Jaebeom, 25 years. Kang Woojin”.

Jinyoung giggled. He had someone in mind for that role:

“I'm sorry, but that role isn’t available anymore”.

The serious look on Jaebeom's face was so compelling that Jackson pulled Jinyoung and asked his friend to let the boy at least try. Jinyoung rolled his eyes, Jackson was always fearful when it came to the arrogant actors.

“I’m sorry. But we don’t w-”

“I understand sir. But don’t you think that gives me a chance could make you change your mind?” Jaebeom cut Jinyoung off, with a smile in the corner of his pretty mouth. The writer grasp. “Please?”

“Jinyoung-ah…” Jackson whisper to his friend. “Let him”.

Jinyoung rolls his eyes again, and nod:

“Okay. Let's see what you can do”.

Lim Jaebeom smiled sideways as if he was mocking everyone and walked to the center of the room, where the searchlight was:

“Page 45, scene 13, please.” Jaebeom informed everyone, kneeling on the floor like Kang Woojin had done in that scene, after discovering that Song Yohan was in the hospital, in a coma. Everyone was focused on his interpretation, Jaebeom’s tears eyes, and the way the boy's chin shook discreetly as he spoke. _“... I would rather die a thousand times to see you leave that way_!” his tone. Jinyoung notices the boy’s tone. “ _Fuck. What could I do now? What if you never woke up? What can I do without you, Yohan? Huh?_ ” Jaebeom sobbed, passing his hand over his eye as the scene described. “This is some shit punishment for what I say?” his body trembling, his voice deep and sad. “ _This is my fault? Because I told you to go get me in that stupid club? This is my fault?”_ he screamed into sobs, putting his hands on his face. “ _I’m sorry… I-fuck. I am sorry to say that I didn’t need you. I’m sorry that I make you suffer that way and… fuck, I’m so sorry about everything… everything_ ”.

Baek Ha-na took off her glasses, wiping her tears eyes as everyone started clapping and Jinyoung stood stationary in his chair. He was incredible. The way his expressions fit into Woojin's personality in that part of the book, how sincere he sounded when he questioning himself if Yohan's accident as his fault. 

It was incredible.

“Jackson...” he called his friend, pulling him by the fist to sit down. The two were ecstatic. “What we do?”

“He is perfect”.

“But Taemin...” Jinyoung recalled his friend's name because he had promised that Woojin's role would be from him. He sighed deeply, didn’t know what to do. “What do I do? He gave everything and a little more, he's the perfect Woojin. Imagine this guy with black hair and tie...” he sighed just for imagining that. “He is fucking perfect”.

Jackson knew that, as a director, it was his role to make certain decisions, even if Jinyoung was against them, after all his name would be related to the film and he knew Taemin, though he’s a good actor, wasn’t as special as that boy. The Chinese turned forward:

“Could you do another scene for us?”

“Yes.” Lim Jaebeom smiled sideways. “What do you want me to do?”

“The first kiss scene…” the Chinese suggested, listening to Jinyoung reply angrily. “Do you have any problem with working with another man?”

“If I had, would I be here?” Jaebeom asked with another sarcastic smile, which further intimidated the director. “Get me somebody and I will kiss him”.

Jackson called one of the studio stuntmen and asked them to read the scene of the first Yohan and Woojin kiss.

Jaebeom spoke all the lines in the right way, with the right intention and emotion. Even his laughter sounded different before he accidentally laid a kiss on the corner of the stuntman's mouth.

Jaebeom brought his hand up to his mouth, pretending to be surprised to have missed that simple touch and the stuntman turned scared, staring at the next line of the character he was doing.

“Yohan, I-”

“I need to go.” the stuntman read hurriedly, making Jaebeom hold him by the fist as Woojin did with Yohan in that scene. “Woojin-ah, please, I will-”

“I wanted it.” Jaebeom said as Woojin, eyes hopeful but hesitant. The stuntman opened his lips in surprise. “I mean, I don’t know if I wanted to, but... but I did it and” Jaebeom smiled naively, swallowing his saliva. “Your mouth is so warm... I like the feeling”.

They look at each other for a long time.

“No. Look, you made a mistake and you don’t have to-”

“I said I liked it!” Woojin complained impatiently, pulling Yohan to himself. They looked at each other again. The oldster licked his lips and let out his breath slowly before approaching. “I can’t say to me that I made a mistake because I liked it…”

And his lips touched the stunner's lips in a hot, panting kiss. The two continued to kiss even after they heard Jackson yell ‘cut’.

Park Jinyoung was ecstatic. He didn’t even blink and his heart was racing. He had promised his friend Taemin that Kang Woojin’s role would be his own if everyone in the time were against it.

Jinyoung rubbed his hands over his face, not knowing what to do after he'd seen it.

“You are hired!” he heard Jackson say with a smile. Jinyoung raised his head and denied it, but the Chinese ignored him. “Welcome to Bloodsport cast Lim Jaebeom”.

**\- iii -**

Jackson and Jinyoung fought over that decision as they all went to their houses. According to the Korean, even though Jackson was the director, he was the book writer, his decisions couldn’t be simply ignored because of a single test. But Jackson didn’t care what his friend thought, he knew that Jinyoung would thank him in the future.

“That boy is the right person!” he said for the last time, opening his car door. “I know he has a solid fan base, a very good producer and that he has two films with good reviews in his curriculum. I don’t even care that he doesn’t know how to play football, I'm willing to create strategies for filming in the field, because he is the right person, Jinyoung”.

“Sseunie!”

“No Jinyoung, I let you impersonate all cadets for Yohan because I know how important he is to you, but I will not let you put Taemin in this character just because you two became friends and you made a promise while you’re drunk!” the Chinese shouted the last part, impatient. “Lim Jaebeom is Kang Woojin and you know it”.


	3. actor Kim Yugyeom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Give me your phone.” Bo-Young held out her hand. “I triggered the agency's security clause. They'll make it all go away. And you're going to have two bodyguards until I tell you that your punishment is over”.
> 
> “That's unnecessary!” Yugyeom shouted. He hated being chased by his mother's security guards, they never let him live. “And I have a contest in Jeju at the end of the month, you don’t-”
> 
> “I can, and I’ll do it. You are grounded Kim Yugyeom. No phone, no internet, no ‘oh let see father then’ and, above all, no show in Jeju!”
> 
> Before Yugyeom could say something, Bo-Young left the room, slamming the door and leaving her son behind, who kicked the coffee table he used to use. He hated the life he had.

**\- i -**

The street performers group smiled as the small audience, that watching them do the Namhansanseong novel dramatization, waving kindly as they yell about their good job.

When everyone left, leaving the troupe behind with gifts for their good performances, the five boys sat on the floor of the park, taking out the easiest accessories to put this in the backpacks while the others placed the scenery in the trunk.

“Did you see how Woozi almost die when that girl asked for his number?” Dino chuckled, shoving the fake sword into his backpack, making his friends laugh. “I thought he was going to burn when he turned red”.

“Shut up!” Woozi shouted, rolling his eyes at his friend, making everyone laugh even more. “Why you don’t take care of your life and forget about mine? You don’t have anything better to do?”

“Why would I take care of my life if yours is funnier?” Vernon jumped, squeezing Woozi's cheeks between his sweaty fingers. “I'd rather see you blushing, _sweet_ ”.

“Ah!” Woozi shouted, tapping his friend's hand. “Leave me alone”.

“ _Ne_ you fuckers!” Yugyeom, the boy brown-haired, laughed, wiping the wet wires on his head before he stood up, throwing his pack on his backpack. “Leave him alone”.

“Hyung!” Dino, a twenty-year-old boy with blond hair, complained as he watched Yugyeom help Woozi get up. “Are you going to say you didn’t think it was funny how he turned reddish about her? Lying is ugly”.

“Yeah?” Yugyeom asked with a sarcastic smile at the corner of his mouth, knowing his friends were waiting for a smart answer. They looked at him hopefully, but all the boy did was shrug and pout with his lips.

“Ya hyung!” Dino shouted, getting up, listening to the others laugh, and following them to the car that would take them back to Seoul. The boys hurry up, opening the doors. “I’m going in the front seat!”

The AGE troupe, of amateur actors, was known for their friendly spirit and for they surprises presentations in unusual places. They didn’t have extensive methods like the pros, but they were really good at what they were doing and, above all, they were friends who were going through their dreams of bringing smiles, suspense, hate, a joy to everyone.

Choi Seung Cheol, better known as S.Coups, and Vernon had founded the group three years ago. Since then the group had been making presentations all over Korea, where they could go in their car, they bring joy to everyone. Yugyeom, who was sitting facing Woozi as he heard them yell at each other, had been in the group for a year and a half — and he knew that this was his place.

The twenty-two-year-old boy was sure to be lost before finding AGE troupe, before becoming part of that family and becoming friends with those boys. He also knew that he would do anything to keep that piece of peace in his troubled world because being with them was worth it.

Yugyeom was happier when he was with them.

“I'll see you at Noa's party tonight?” S.Coups, whom Yugyeom liked to call 'boss', asked leaving the boy in front of his usual spot near the subway station. “Or do you have any important commitments to your people?”

“You guys are my people...” Yugyeom rolled his eyes at the boy, biting his lip in the process. S.Coups smiled. “But I'll see what I can do, okay? If I'm not, Noa will kill me”.

“ _He will!”_ Vernon shouted from the backseat.

Yugyeom and S.Coups laughed, but before they parted, the black-haired man took a good look at the trajectory Yugyeom would have to make until he got to the subway without being recognized.

He took one of his caps.

“I think you'd better use it” S.Coups said with a smile at the corner of his mouth. “Unless you want your legion of fans to see you walking around without security, _mr. rich kid_ ”.

The taller one made an ugly sound with his throat, but he took the cap, hiding his face on the flap before he left the car and ran to the other side of the street, toward the subway. Before he got into the wagon, he felt the phone ring in his pocket.

His biggest mistake was having decided to open the notification.

“Fuck”.

**— ■ —**

“ _Actor Kim Yugyeom is seen out of Seoul today...”_ it’s was the first thing he heard. He took a deep breath and threw his keys on the counter, pulling the backpack from him as he stood a few feet from where the woman was. “ _And what shocked most wasn’t his mess production, but his tattoos!”_ She shouted the final part, throwing the phone away. “Are you crazy for real this time?”

The boy took off his cap and licked his lips, snapping his fingers one by one before turning his back on the woman and heading toward the stairs.

“Are you really going to ignore me now?” She shouted after him, hurrying up the stairs. “Yugyeom!”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing!” she shouted into the boy's bedroom, who took off his t-shirt revealing the tattoos the woman hated so much. “Do you know what this is going to cause you? People on the internet are talking non-stop about you, Yugyeom”.

“Let them”.

“Let them?” the sarcastic laugh, which Yugyeom really hated to hear, rang through the room toward the bathroom, where the boy was preparing his own bath. “It's not that simple and you know it. Couldn’t you have been more careful?”

“More than fleeing from Seoul to do what I like?” the boy asked entering the bathtub. His whole body was aching from the staged fight they had made. “It's not my fault if these soul suckers are chasing me, okay? I try-”

“Try isn’t enough.” Kang Bo-Young, Yugyeom’s mother and businesswoman, complained stopping at the bathroom door, from where she watched her son roll his eyes. “I know you hate to hear me talk about it, but you have a career Yugyeom, you cannot just disappear and show up where you want to be and you cannot go around exhibiting these ridiculous things in your body!”

Although not seeming, due to his free and loose spirit, Kim Yu Gyeom was a renowned actor. The twenty-two-year-old had started his TV career at the age of four after becoming famous in a commercial for a toy company.

For years his parents, who were now divorced, fight about his life and career. His mother, who for a long time was his manager, made him grow up surrounded by cameras and spotlights. Each year, with each new award and with each possibility, she sought more and more for her son, making him an example for teenagers back then.

However, everything changed when Yu Gyeom became legally adult. The boy happened to behave like a rebel, to ignore his commitments, to say what he shouldn’t, and to do things that he couldn’t do, like to do tattoos. Since then his mother had been struggling to put something in his mind since she had been ‘fired’ from her duties as his manager.

Yugyeom took a deep breath, knowing he wouldn’t have the strength to fight with his mother took this conversation to another level, so he simply sank into the tub for a long time and when he emerged, running his hands over his face, he says:

“I'll publish something later.” he said, reaching for his mother to wipe a towel. “We knew that one time or another, someone would find out about them. What I have to do now is make fans know about why I didn’t tell them before, not deny it”.

“Deny is the best choice!” the woman croaked. “We can say it is a fake tattoo. That you were trying out for a possible character”.

“No”.

“Your fans will be disappointed with you!”

“Only those who don’t understand that I have a personal life out of the TV shows.” Yugyeom said sarcastically, wrapping the towel around his body before leaving the bathroom. His mother messed with her hair, unable to understand why the boy was so ‘idiot’ does not see the stupidity of that comment. “Denying isn’t an option here mom. I'm not going to lie just because you don’t want to see some numbers being reduced from my followers on social media” he repeated, this time firmly, listening to the woman say a few more words of insistence. “And to be honest, I don’t care if they all leave me or-”

“Don’t say that!” Bo-Young shouted, taking a long step toward his son, pointing his trembling finger at him. “Don’t say shit like that, you ungrateful kid. How can you think that way? If it weren’t for your fans, you wouldn’t have anything you have today, do you understand me?”

Yugyeom pressed his fingers to the wood of the wardrobe.

“What do I have today?” He asked, turning to face the woman. “What're the fans gave me that was so valuable? Huh?”

“Everything!” his mother shouted, pointing to all the things in his huge room. “This house, the clothes you wear... everything. If it weren’t for their effort, for their love you would have nothing”.

“Or maybe I could have everything that really matter.” he said between his teeth. “If they didn’t exist, if I had failed when you decided that I should become an actor, maybe I had a normal life now. Maybe I could go out without worrying about a photographer or... I don’t know, a fucking kidnapper. Maybe if they all didn’t exist, I could...” Yugyeom swallowed, shaking his head. He could have a normal life. It was what the boy meant, but he knew he couldn’t that to his mother. “I'll find a way”.

“Yeah, you’ll. You're going to say they're fake-”

“I'll say they are true! That this means a lot to me and that I’m sorry for lying, but it's something from my private and personal life.” the repeated what he was saying from the beginning, making Bo-Young prepare to fight again. “I'm going to ask Sehun hyung to confirm my presence at Knowing Bros, is that better for you? I can make a request on the national network”.

Kang Bo-Young wanted only one thing for her son: that he understood how much he should be grateful for all he had gained from his work, and how much his fans were important so that everything they had remained. For this, and having finally won a battle, she smiled visibly excited:

“Are you serious?” she questioned, holding his son's cheeks in his warm hands. Yugyeom rolled his eyes and nodded. Bo-Young shouted excitedly. “Fantastic!” the woman waved her hands gratefully. “I'd like to warn the director of the program myself. He has asked for his participation since your role in Meeting in September and-”

“But before you get too excited” Yugyeom hurried to interrupt his mother. “I want something in return for that”.

“More than letting you live with these ugly things on your skin?” she asked, folding her arms, watching her son make an ugly face. “What?”

"I want you to let me do... ah... six pieces with AGE troupe, without piss me off about this and”

“No chances”.

“So no ratification on the national network then.” Yugyeom turned to the wardrobe again, pulling out a t-shirt. Bo-Young pinched her son, telling him to say what he wanted. “Besides, I want to see dad. It's Yerim's birthday so-”

“Yugyeom…”

“Omma!” the boy whined, making a desperate look. However, his mother knew when he was playing. “Mom!” Yugyeom shouted again, rude this time. “Yu-Jin hyung and Yu-Ri are going to the party. Why cannot I go? She's my sister too. I want to see her and dad!”

“Your siblings aren’t public figures, Yugyeom. They can come and go without worrying about every step they take. I cannot just let you do something crazy like going to that girl's party”.

“That girl is my little sister!”

“Half-sister,” Bo-Young remembers. “And the answer remains no to this.” She said earnestly, leaving no space for her son to complain anymore. But she knew she had to give something in return for the boy to do the right thing, not being arrogant, rude or impatient with the people around him. She sighed. “But you can go to visit them later. We know that photographers love to try to understand what happens to our family, they are probably aware of Yerim's birthday, and you show up there will ruin everything...” the black-haired woman commented with her fake worried look. “You can go see them, but not on her birthday. As for your troupe friends... three pieces?”

“Four”.

“Three, Yugyeom. You have important appointments on your schedule, you cannot leave Seoul all the time, and this week you have to travel to Japan. Three pieces and we don’t talk about that anymore”.

The boy smiled sideways, rolling his eyes as he agreed to his mother's decision just to hear her vibrate with joy. He watched her leave the room, saying she would call the program director, and Yugyeom finished dressing, checking his messages:

 **Old man, 1:56 pm  
** Yerim told me that you  
finally went discovered 555

 _1 min ago **  
**_How did your mother react? ** _  
_**Will you need a place to get away?

The boy laughed and threw himself on the bed, typing:

 **me, 1:58 pm  
** Unfortunately, it was not this time  
that she let me throw everything up

 **me, 1:59 pm  
** but I got three plays with the troupe **  
**all because I said that I would go **  
**program hyung likes

 **Old man, 2:00 pm  
** You hate this kind of program  
And I thought I'd finally go **  
**to have some time with my boy

 _2 min ago  
_ But as for the troupe... I'm glad that _  
_she let you do it, even _  
_you got it for bribery.

 _1 min ago  
_ And talk about bribery... can buy your sister _  
_one of that newest those dolls who sing  
to her when you go to Japan on Friday?

Yugyeom reread the message. He couldn’t tell his father that he wouldn’t attend his younger sister's birthday, because he knew that his parents would probably fight about it. He sighed deeply and opened Google, looking for a Japanese doll how to sing, when he found it, he sent the link to Sehun, his manager, and asked him to buy one for Yerim. That way he could make everything easier when they realized that Yugyeom didn’t would be present at the party.

 **Old man, 2:06 pm**  
Pumpkin?

 **me, 2:06 pm  
** of course I'll buy  
the doll that sings…

 **me, 2:09 pm  
** have to go now, okay?

 _1min ago_  
I talk to you later

The conversation ended with his father, Kim Kwang-Min, sending a heart emoji to the boy, that made him smile happily. Yugyeom missed his father. That was the only reality of his life.

**\- ii –**

A month and a half later, Kim Yugyeom and his troupe had made more than ten shows — mostly against the boy mother's will, his agents, and manage — and nothing could be more rewarding from him than being with his friends in every performance.

They were in the backyard of a former member of the group, Noa, to celebrate their team's selection at the show on Jeju Island that month. AGE troupe had managed to rank sixth place for the show and S.Coups already had plenty of ideas for possible scenarios.

“We can recreate the fight scene from-”

“Okay, okay!” Noa stopped him, placing another glass of drink in his empty hand. “We already understand, you have a lot of ideas for the show and the group will have days of suffering to get sharp before the performance, but for now let's just have fun”.

The others laughed and Yugyeom leaned against the sofa, breathing deeply before taking a sip of his drink. He watched his friends in silence, watching them chat animatedly and share their life with each other.

He smiled. It was fun to see normal people relate as easily as his friends, because the way they talked, looked into each other's eyes... it was real. Something that Yugyeom couldn’t feel when he’s surrounded by all that fuckn’ famous people he knows.

“A gold coin for your thoughts…” Yugyeom heard Noa whisper in his ear, causing the boy to become frightened and almost wet himself with his drink. Noa laughed as he sat next to Yugyeom, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “I scared you?”

“No way…!” The boy, who was now with red-haired, smiled before bringing the glass to his mouth. He bites the material. He looks to his friend again, with a smile. “They're really happy with the selection, aren’t they?”

“Yes”.

Yugyeom smiled discreetly as Noa's fingers brushed against his nape, making a single movement there. Yugyeom and Noa have always had a fun dynamic. Ever since the youngest had come into the troupe, the eldest had helped him. He was a good friend.

“You know it was all thanks to you, don’t you?”

The redhead turned to look at Noa.

He denied it, making him laugh.

“Those producers for the event recognized you in the footage” the Japanese explained, taking Yugyeom’s glass for himself. “S.Coups asked me not to tell anyone because he didn’t want to make the boys uncomfortable with it. Or make you embarrassed”.

But it was too late. Yugyeom was already embarrassed.

It wasn’t all the people who knew about the boy’s extracurricular activities. His mother had _compelled_ his company to take measures to foresee any kind of scandal involving his involvement with amateurs. To be there, Yugyeom had to flee from his fans using devices that only a spy could use. It was tiring, but it was the only way he had to do what he liked.

And not only for him but for his friends. He knew that if the whole country found out, the boys would probably get more negative than positive reviews, because Yugyeom fans didn’t understand some of his choices, which they all called the ‘rebel phase’, of doing the things he likes away from the cameras.

The boy sighed deeply, Noa laughed sympathetically and ruffled his hair, saying that it was okay, that it was a good thing they had gotten that chance, even if it’s only because of Yugyeom.

“You may not believe it, but the world's problems aren’t your fault, Yugyeom. Nothing bad will happen to the boys because someone recognized you, okay?” the Japanese whispered leaving a quick kiss on the red-haired one cheeks, who nodded and felt warm. “Now take off this worried face... I want to have fun. Let’s go out!”

**— ■ —**

“What did you do Yugyeom?” S.Coups screamed as soon as they stop running. The red-haired boy coughed and felt his lungs burn. He didn’t know what to say. “You fuc-”

“I think we'd better get out of here first.” Vernon interrupted his friend, holding him by the shirt when he saw some girls stand on the other side of the street to see what was happening. “Let's get out of here”.

“No chances!” S.Coups shouted, pushing Vernon aside. “Do you know what you just did? How many people saw us in that place wearing our team t-shirt?”

“Hyung…” Dino whined. “He is drunk. All of us are and those guys are mess everything’s up... it wasn’t Yugyeom hyung's fault. He was just trying to help me-”

“Trying to help you doesn’t justify hitting someone, Dino.” Woozi gasped, swallowing his saliva. They had decided to leave Noa's house to go to a nightclub downtown. It was Yugyeom's idea. “There were people there who knew us by the name of the group man. That's going to get messy”.

“I'm so sorry...”

“Feeling sorry will not help me keep our image, will it?”

“Guys!” Vernon shouted, watching the girls react when they recognized Yugyeom. He took the cap off and placed it on the boy quickly, hiding his bruised face. “We have to get out of here. Now!”

**— ■ —**

“... _that's right, Bora. Actor Kim Yugyeom, who won countless awards for his dramas, was spotting Saturday night at a nightclub in Busan. This isn’t the first time the boy is photographed in this kind of place, but this time he showed another side by leading a fight on the spot...”_ Yugyeom's head ached, causing him to squeeze his temples while sitting on the coffee table. “ _Let's see the video_ ”.

“Can you turn the TV off?”

“Dude!” Yugyeom's older brother laughed, pulling out his grade glasses to touch his face. “Mom will kill you”.

“For real hyung?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just saying some facts okay…” Yu-Jin pout, look at Yugyeom’s bruises. “Is that really you in the video bro?” the boy nod unhappy. “Whoa. I knew you had dedicated the fight classes to that role in Lunar, but... Whoa! Look at how you move bro, you look like a boxer!”

Kim Yu Jin, Yugyeom's older brother, was the kind of person who liked to make fun of his younger sister for anything. He never missed a chance to make his younger brother regret being born, so Yu Jin turned up the volume just to mess with him.

“Hyung…” Yugyeom whined, putting his forehead on the icy table before he felt a slap on the back of his neck. He raised his head in alarm, seeing his mother's face. “Before you say anything-”

“You're grounded!” Kang Bo-Young said without expression. “No phone, no internet, no credit card... and oh, you can’t see your father”.

Yu Jin's eyes widened.

“Mom!” he called the woman. “You cannot prohibit him from seeing dad because of it. This is a fuckin’ absurd”.

“Is it absurd?” Bo-Young smiled miserably. “It's absurd to spend all my night say sorry for your brothers' show? Really? You really think this is a ‘fucking absurd’ hearing from the agency that the boy he beat up went to the hospital with a rib fracture and recognized him, so he wants an indemnity for what happened?” she shouted taking the napkins to throw it in them. “It's absurd to say that I'm sorry and that put everything on me because I’m the mother right? So it’s my fault that your brother is acting this way, because... _oh, he was traumatized by the divorce!”_

“It's not even 10 o'clock and you guys already fighting?”

Yugyeom scrambled to his feet when his mother hesitated to hear Yuri, his younger sister. The short-haired girl rolled her eyes and put her backpack on the chair, sitting down to ask what had happened.

Yu-Jin pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed the problem, causing Bo-Young to scream to him erase the damn video and forget about it. Yugyeom laughed, watching his brother get a slap, but fell silent as the woman stared at him again. She pulled him by the arm.

Kim Yugyeom has three siblings. Kim Yu-Jin and Kim Yu-Ri and they had been a fruit of a troubled marriage between Kim Kwang-Min and Kang Bo-Young. It was the family the actor had watched get undone because of his career.

And there was Kim Ye-Rim, their younger sister. Yerim was the fruit of a stable and happy relationship between Kim Kwang-Min and Moon Yu-bi. She had just turned seven... she was a happy girl with her father and mother, who cared more about making her have a good childhood than about cameras and spotlights. She was the one who had everything the others always dreamed of. What Yugyeom always wanted to have.

“Give me your phone.” Bo-Young held out her hand. “I triggered the agency's security clause. They'll make it all go away. And you're going to have two bodyguards until I tell you that your punishment is over”.

“That's unnecessary!” Yugyeom shouted. He hated being chased by his mother's security guards, they never let him live. “And I have a contest in Jeju at the end of the month, you don’t-”

“I can, and I’ll do it. You are grounded Kim Yugyeom. No phone, no internet, no ‘oh let see father then’ and, above all, no show in Jeju!”

Before Yugyeom could say something, Bo-Young left the room, slamming the door and leaving her son behind, who kicked the coffee table he used to use. He hated the life he had.

**— ■ —**

While Kim Yugyeom mourned for his existence, Park Jinyoung stood to applaud the work of his team. They finally, after two months, had closed a perfect cast for Bloodsport’s adaptation. Jackson took a glass for his friend:

“Are you happy now?”

“I'll be even happier when you find me my Song Yohan, but since he's the only one we cannot find yet... I'm happy with our cast.” Jinyoung nodded. The only problem was this. They hadn’t found the ideal actor for Song Yohan’s character. He knew they would have to race against time since they only had two more weeks, but Jackson was confident that among the three actors he had invited, one would come out with the lead role. “Thanks for the hard work, Sseunie”.

“Thank you for trust your work to me”.

They smiled happily with everything they had done so far. Although the lead role had no owner, they had done a good job. The cast was wonderful and Jinyoung was sure they would make a great movie.

That month, Jinyoung and Jackson had found Song Yohan's parents, actor Kim Sang-Joon and actress Im Ye-Jin. Kang Woojin's parents and sister, actor Sung Dong-Il and actresses Lee Ha-na and Seo Ye-Ji. They had also closed with Park So Young for Nam Se-Young, Jisung’s sister, Bambam’s character.

In addition to these, they had fought to win Choi Youngjae, a phenomenal singer and actor, confidence Lee Min-Seo, Woojin's best friend. Jeon Jungkook, who Jinyoung had found through his novel's fans, had been the last to be hired by them, to play Yohan's childhood friend, Yeo Si-Yoon.

Aside from the main and secondary cast, the management team had already decided. Jackson had launched contests and opened up chances for ordinary people to do small roles, like grocery checkouts.

“What are you thinking?” Heejin, Jinyoung's girlfriend, and his fan number one asked as they got in the car. “In Yohan?”

“Jackson assured that we have time... but I'm afraid I don’t like the actors he's invited. I know I said the opposite earlier, just didn’t want to worry him anymore, but I'm not sure if anyone can interpret Yo Han-”

“Besides-”

“Heejin!” Jinyoung complained interrupting his girlfriend, the way she had. He slipped on his seat belt. “That's not what I meant, okay? I just don’t see anything about Yohan in the actors we've seen”.

“You've seen more than 100 people, dear. Someone must have been good, you're just being worry about having a character important to your career to someone you don’t trust at first.” Heejin sighed, placing a hand on the back of his head. “I know I don’t understand anything about this production, I'm a doctor for Christ's sake... but I'm sure the actors Jackson invited are good. One of them will get your attention”.

“You think so?”

“Yeah, dear. I think so”.

Park Jinyoung was lucky.

He was lucky when he decided to start writing. When he discovered the virtual publishing platforms. He was even lucky when his boss at the advertising company fired him. He was lucky to have Jackson and to have Heejin by his side. He was very lucky.

He would be even luckier when he found his Kang Yo-Han.


	4. i was looking for you…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'll be honest with you. Our film is rated for over sixteen. Kissing will be the least of the problems if you feel uncomfortable, the content of the book we are adapting is erotic and will have scenes of nudity, sex between men…”
> 
> “I’m in”.
> 
> “What?” the boy's mother shouted everyone attention in the restaurant, she placed her hand on her chest. “I think I'm having a heart attack... I-oh my god, I cannot see anything!”
> 
> “Mrs. Kang, are you fi-”
> 
> “Ignore her. She always does it when things don’t go according to what she wants.” Yugyeom touched Jackson's hand, preventing him from comforting his mother. He was worshiping that sense of power, of being able to destabilize her. “About the character, I accept to do. Mom got confused when she said I had a new job because I didn’t. I mean... now I have. Right mrs. Wang?”
> 
> “Ah... yes.” Jackson smiled at the boy. “You have”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. How are you all doing today? Are your families okay? friends? The people you love and respect? Amid the chaos, I hope with all my heart that everyone is well, including you who are reading this message. I know these are terrible times and that we are facing situations that we never imagined we would face but I hope you are taking time to breathe, think positive things, do positive things... I hope you can take some time out of all this madness to do things that leave you all well and at peace. Meditate, read, listen to music, paint, and do things that bring a little light into your lives. Know that I am rooting for the world, I hope we will all be very soon. Have a good reading!

**\- i -**

“Are you sure it's okay to go on this trip with us?” Noa, who would be our driver, asked worriedly. “Your face is stamped on half of the country's magazines, people still talk about the fight, Yugyeom.” he insisted, only getting the younger's silence. Noa sighed deeply, holding Yugyeom by the shoulders. They looked at each other but didn’t say anything. “I’m wo-”

“Nothing will happen.” Yugyeom replied. “I'm sorry for what I did that day, I talked to S.Coups and we settled things up okay? You don’t have to worry about anything hyung”.

Noa nodded, even though he couldn’t help but worry.

Yugyeom smiled, touching his friend's shoulders.

“It's okay hyung. I promise with my little finger than I’ll not do anything crazy and I will not bring you any trouble either, okay?” the red-haired boy raised his eyebrows, showing a happy expression. “Everything is okay, now… chill”.

Noa sighed deeply, grinning against his own will as Yugyeom puckered his lips, asking Noa to help him put the rest of the things in the car. They heard Dino scream about his food and Woozi yell to him.

“Everyone’s ready?” S.Coups asked, throwing his backpack into the car. He took off his sunglasses and took a good look at Yugyeom, studying the guy's mood. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah.” Yugyeom knew that the black-haired man was apprehensive about his participation in the show because of the fight. “I'm ready”.

However, S.Coups knew that they had managed to secure the group's selection just by having Kim Yugyeom as a member. He couldn’t simply ignore this fact and forbid him from participating.

“Let's hit the road then...!”

**— ■ —**

“Cut!” Park Jinyoung shouted impatiently. He wasn’t sure why but he was hating everything about that day. Everything they were trying to do was going wrong. Jeon Jungkook and Lim Jaebeom couldn’t rehearse the scenes they had received because they had no one to interpret the pivot of all the problems in that scene. “This isn’t working, Jackson...”

“Why don’t we use one of the doubles from the competition?” Sana, the photography film, suggested as impatiently as Jinyoung. They were trying to get through some loose scenes because the cast had to create training methods that would make them comfortable but it was impossible to make Jungkook and Jaebeom make sense together because their scenes needed the main character to work out. “We're wasting time this way”.

Jinyoung rubbed his temples, cursing between his teeth before asking for 5 minutes stop. He needed to try to talk to the actors again about other ways of making it look fluid.

“...it's hard without someone to do Yohan's lines.” Jaebeom grunted, putting the script under his arm. The man stared at Park Jinyoung's furious face. “Maybe if we do what Sana noona suggested...” he tried again. “We just need someone to read the lines Jinyoung-ssi”.

Jinyoung didn’t want to do that.

“Somebody get me a damn stunt!”

Three hours later, they had made the same mistakes and heard the same criticisms from Jinyoung and Sana, who seemed angrier and angrier. After so many failures, they left, while Joy and Bambam took the center of the room, to show some of the chemistry they had created to play the Nam’s siblings.

It was Jinyoung's only happy moment, watching them act as if they had known each other for years. They had chemistry, they would be good siblings if they were from the same family and Sana whispered in Jinyoung's ear about having sure the fans could love them onscreen.

Sometime later, they heard the door open and Jackson Wang, Bloodsport director, came in with a contagious smile from ear to ear, leading three boys.

Sana recognized one of them, was an actor who had been excluded from an important job after being caught with the film's producer daughter. Kim Seokjin... if her memory didn’t fail. He was in the spotlight now, with his terror and suspense dramas.

“Here are the guests from the studio, as I mentioned before, our producer hopes we can give special attention to these three incredible actors.” Jackson informed everyone, making a buzz of running in the back of the room, between the staff and the camera operators. Jinyoung crossed his legs under the table. The Chinese had not said anything about the producer having a finger on the test of those three boys. “Having said that, why don’t we prepare a different scene for each one? I feel like we're closing the studio with our Yohan today”.

**\- ii -**

Bloodsport's team had watched two scenarios with attention. Some had liked what they had seen, others were in doubt about the boys and expected the third to give them enough to come to a final answer. Jinyoung expected something good.

“Scene 14, beginning on line 34, Song Yohan.” Kim Seokjin smiled at the others, opening the screenplay he had tried to memorize during the 30 minutes they were given to him. “ _I feel like I might sound rude, but don’t you think this should be my choice? I should decide who to stay with_ -”

“ _Your parents will not allow it!_ ” Jeon Jungkook was a good Yeo Si-Yoon, Jinyoung liked the way he created the character. “ _You more than anyone should know that it's not that simple, there's no such thing as ‘this is my life and I decide what I am going to do’ for people like us, Yohanie. So don’t act like it's possible_ ”.

Kim Seokjin's expression almost made Jinyoung slam his forehead on the table. It wasn’t the emotion he imagined for that scene, so he pointed it out and asked the boy to repeat... four times.

Jackson had made an agreement with the producer, that they would only leave that studio when they closed the contract with an actor for the main role of the film. If they couldn’t, he would be writing the contract, which could hurt the whole team, not just Jinyoung.

“Again…” it was Sana's turn to interrupt them, who seemed increasingly frustrated with the repetition. “Is not it. Again!”

“I've done it nine times already!” Seokjin replied.

“So? If she asks you to do it nine-time, you do it nine-time.” Jinyoung returning in the same tone, knowing Sana was right. He wasn’t giving them what they need. “Do it again. Please”.

Kim Seokjin sighed deeply and turned to Jeon Jungkook again, who seemed not to be affected by Park Jinyoung’s harsh tone as if he had become used to this. The boy licked his lips and repeated the scene.

In the end, Jinyoung said no to the three.

“It’s enough!” Jackson shouted at him. “You may be the screenwriter, you may be here as director assistant but I have a contract that gives me enough power to decide this alone. I've done that to Jaebeom and I am beginning to think I'll have to do it again...” he reminded his friend, unable to comprehend Jinyoung's obsession with that damn role. “You chose not to hire a casting director because you wanted to do this, I accepted because I know how special this book is to you but you cannot go blind because of a single character dude!”

“It's not 'a single character’. It's the fucking main character!” the Korean shouted back, taking off his glasses before getting up. He pointed to the first candidate, saying that he would look better in a shot character, not the main role. “The second one has no emotion. I couldn’t even feel the authenticity when he said his own name, for God's sake.” Jinyoung sounded offensive, annoyed with his own work. “Seokjin... we aren’t even going to start talking about his inconsistencies expressions”.

“For real?” the Chinese laughed. “It's all right. Then know that no one else is going to serve because I had a deadline here Nyoung, and you cannot understand it because you're stubborn. Our producer wants to rewrite the contract because you don’t close the damn-”

“What?” Sana interrupted him. “Is he going to rewrite our contract?”

“Yeah!” Jackson snorted. “They want to increase the security clause, we're going to have to pay absurdity if we cannot meet the deadline for the movie, okay?”

Park Jinyoung's dark eyes looked like two balls. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Jackson had said that everything was fine, that the producers understood and had given them more time.

“I cannot believe you had guts to lie to me about it, Jackson.” the man whispered hurtfully, sitting down in the assistant director's chair they'd given him. “When did you think it was time for telling us? Everyone involved will be harmed-”

“It's not my fault.” Jackson said seriously, putting his hands inside the pockets of his pants. “I've tried everything here”.

 _Unbelievable_. That's what Jinyoung thought. That it was unbelievable that Jackson was putting the blame on himself while he had made an agreement with the producers behind his back. He got up ready to yell at his friend but was stopped by Sana, who asked the Chinese to withdraw and take the others.

“With all my pleasure.” Jackson shrugged sarcastically, asking the actors to follow him, but not before turning to Jinyoung and saying. “Your movie will be canceled at any time”.

**\- iii –**

Perhaps it was thanks to Kim Yugyeom’s presence, but AGE troupe had won first place at the Jeju Island show. And not only that, they had received a year of supplies from a supermarket line, plus a 5mil contribution to their studio.

They were so happy, so accomplished, that they didn’t even care about the chance they'd won just because of Yugyeom. It didn’t matter, what mattered was that they had won the first of many official prizes. So he was gathered outside the Seoul museum, where they staged a scene from the drama The Crowned Clown.

Of course, Yugyeom was the crowned clown, with his eyes startled as he staged the scene that Ha-seon, the clown, was placed in front of Yi-heon, the king. Vernon, with his frightened smile and bulging eyes, leaned forward with the lamp toward the other.

They looked at each other for a long moment:

“ _Have respect. It's your majesty, the king_.” Dino said in an ancient accent, strong and serious as he played the head of the guard.

Yugyeom, the clown, fall on his knees, leaning his face to the ground as he inquired in a trembling way:

“ _Your majesty!”_

Vernon set the lamp on the floor, taking the old hat from his head to place it on Yugyeom's head with an even more surprised expression. They were pretending to be the same person.

The American took off his red robe and tossed it to Yugyeom, ordering him to try on. The audience seemed mesmerized by the way they recreated the scene, the girls couldn’t even blink while Yugyeom put that red clothes, facing Vernon as his characters. They gave a startling sound when they heard:

“ _‘This punk’, say it_ ”.

“ _This punk...”_ Yugyeom, Haseon, stammered softly.

“ _This punk!”_ Vernon screamed louder. “ _Are you not going to play properly?”_ Then Yugyeom repeated the same way, with the same intonation and emotion. Vernon laughed just like the king.

As Haseon’s voice came back again, terrified of what was happening to his character, they heard someone shout from the audience, causing all eyes and cameras to turn in that direction.

Yugyeom narrowed his eyes at the attempt to recognize the intruder. They imagined that a police officer, who would ask them to leave that place, was probably approaching them.

“Holy shit” Vernon inquired in English, taking a step back when he saw Mrs. Kang, Yugyeom’s mother, stop a few paces from where they were opposite. “It's your mother Yugyeom.”

If Yugyeom was feigning fear with his character, he was now feeling it in every corner of his body. Not by himself, but because of his friends. He knew that his mother was capable of everything to keep his perfect image and to attack the group would be a step the woman was threatening to take some time.

“I'll give you 2min to leave these... little boys behind and come with me. Unless you want to be here when the cops arrive to arrest the thugs who are making a noise in front of the theater”.

“Cops? You call the cops?” S.Coups asked apprehensively, watching Noa gather things together. He couldn’t believe that Yugyeom's mother had even called the police. “You got to be kidding me!”

Woozi shouted for Vernon to come out of the trance and help him and Dino, while Noa spoke hurriedly with everyone in the audience, so they could leave before it was too late. S.Coups watched the stares war between mrs. Kang and Yugyeom, the rebellious son.

“I hate you”.

“It's all right. As long as you get in the car, you can hate me”.

“No.” Yugyeom tried not to cry. It was annoying that his mother controlled his life that way. He had fired her because the woman was impossible. Still, Bo-Young moved the world to torture him. “I'm never going back to that house, do you understand me? How could you call the police?”

“What did you expect me to do? My son disappeared mysteriously, after saying that he was feeling sick...” she sounded worried, but he knew it was acting. Yugyeom heard Noa scream for the boys to get into the car and he looks at them. “Imagine my surprise when I saw a video of my boy with a bunch of strangers?”

“They are my friends!”

“Your friends?” mrs. Kang laughed. “Please Yugyeom, they aren’t your friends, they’re just interested in what they can get by being close to someone like you. Don’t be dumb, the-”

“Why do you always have to judge people based on what they have, mom? Huh? Did you forget that you came from nowhere and that you married dad just because he had a little more money than you?” Yugyeom laughed, his eyes burning. He hated the life he had. “Or that if it weren’t for my hard work, the nights I had to shoot with fever, pain, wouldn’t you be where you are today?”

This was fast.

The way Kang Bo-Young's hand fell on his son's face was quick and painful. He closed his eyes with the impact, opening his mouth in reflex as his friends stopped everything they were doing. They knew that Yugyeom had a complicated relationship with his mother, but they had never witnessed anything like that.

She took a deep breath and grabbed the boy by the arm.

“Mom-”

“I'll lock you in that room and you will not leave until I say so, Yugyeom. You'll wish you'd never run away from home any-”

“Excuse me?” Yugyeom's eyes widened as he noticed the man next to his mother's car. One of the guards took a long step toward him, ready to immobilize him if necessary, but the man was faster, he laughed as he dodged and took something out of his pocket. “I didn’t mean to scare or intrude myself here. I promise I'm not a crazy fan or journalist…”

Mrs. Kang’s brown eyes went up to the card to visit.

“My name is Jackson Wang, I'm a movie director-”

“The Vision movie director?” the woman questioned in surprise. She knew all the important names in the industry. Jackson was young but Korea loves him for his great films. He nodded. “Oh. I don’t know what it is but I'm sure you can deal with our agent-”

“I am really so sorry ma'am but I don’t have time for all this bureaucracy” the Chinese interrupted her gently, licking his lips. Yugyeom sniffed, trying to find his friends. They were gone. “I was in the audience while you did the staging of The Crowned Clown and... you’re such an amazing actor, mr. Kim”.

“Thanks for the compliment but that wasn’t a professional show, my son was just testing for a new role”.

“Oh. Do you have a new drama?” he asked directly to Yugyeom, which made him look at him in surprise. People generally ignored him and dealt with his career with his mother or agent. “I don’t know what your new role is about but I am sure I have something much better for you”.

“I'm terribly sorry, as I told him-”

“What role?” Yugyeom asked hastily, releasing his arm from his mother's grip. The woman called his name between her teeth but he ignored her. Kim Yugyeom didn’t want to act again anytime soon. He was making a point of saying no to any character that mattered to his mother or agents but this man had been the first to address his words to him about his own career. “I want to know what role you have for me”.

“Are you serious?” Jackson smiled excitedly. Yugyeom nodded, wiping the corner of his eyes before smiling back, watching his mother inflate. “Can we have coffee while we talk?”

**— ■ —**

“... no. It's not where we should go...” Jinyoung said in a hushed voice, scratching out some things he didn’t like about the nuclei that the location staff was creating inside the studio. He analyzed the aesthetics of Min-Seo room again. “I want you to show this palette to Youngjae, I want to know his opinion after all the boy will spend a lot of time inside the room and the colors have to please his taste”.

“And what do you think about that?” Eujin, one of the designers, shows what they had created for the skating rink. “We found a location not so far where we can do the championship scenes, but the locker room and other details have to be created here”.

“Uhm…” Jinyoung muttered, nodding. “I like it. They are good-”

“Jinyoung-ah!” everyone stopped what they were doing as they heard Jackson shout excitedly. Jinyoung took off his glasses, ready to fight about the way that Jackson had left. He paused to see a red-haired boy standing behind Jackson. “I have a big surprise”.

It didn’t take more than two minutes for Park Jinyoung to recognize Kim Yugyeom. He parted his lips, not knowing what to say and hearing Sana scream from where she was, approaching as soon as possible.

Eujin and some staff also stopped to watch the boy, who grinned from ear to ear as he greeted everyone.

“What's this kid is doing here?”

Yugyeom's smile disappeared.

“What?”

“I asked what this irresponsible, uneducated, and humble kid does on the set of my movie... Jackson?”

Jackson Wang knew everything about Park Jinyoung’s tastes, knew also the list of celebrities he hated most and Kim Yugyeom was on top of it. In Jinyoung's opinion, Yugyeom was one of those actors who didn’t know how to thank for what they had, who treated the fans rudely and who always tried to prove themselves different from what they really were.

He was a twenty-two-year-old brat who had to think that he could say on national television that he doesn’t fucking care about the people who bought tickets to watch his movies, who signed expensive accounts to lend credibility to his dramas.

“Well…” Jackson started with a silly grin on his face, making his friend realize that he had done something bad. “I hired him”.

Jinyoung let his glass fall on the floor.

“You what?”

**[2 hours earlier]**

“Let me see if I get it right” Kim Yugyeom smiled, watching her mother choke on her tea. “Are you inviting me to make a gay character in a movie?” he emphasized the last word. “For real?”

“Do I seem to be playing with you?”

“No. I mean, it's just...” the red-haired boy didn’t know how to express himself. He had already received invitations like that before, but his mother never gave him permission, because she found that kind of character doesn’t fit for her son's image. “Have you watched the kinds of movies and dramas that I do? I've never played a homosexual, I wouldn’t even know where to start, how to act... setting up a character for me is more than reading the lines! I need to have something practical and, well sir... do I look like gay to you?”

Jackson nodded with an embarrassed smile at the corner of his mouth. He expected a naive remark like that of a boy whose life was organized by his mother.

Yugyeom had probably never had gay friends before.

“I understand that it's a distant thing of your reality but I know when I find the right person. I cannot say that I saw many of his works, maybe one or two, but what I saw on the street today? That was art for me mr. Kim, the kind of art I want for my movie... even if we have to teach you everything about gay kinds of stuff”.

“No!” Kang Bo-Young shouted still coughing, standing up as he waved to the security guard. “My son doesn’t make that kind of decay, mr. Wang. He is a renowned actor, there is no reason to associate with this kind of desperation-”

“I will need to kiss another man?” Yugyeom interrupted his mother, smiling as she opened his mouth in disbelief. Jackson nodded. “Just kiss?”

“I'll be honest with you. Our film is rated for over sixteen. Kissing will be the least of the problems if you feel uncomfortable, the content of the book we are adapting is erotic and will have scenes of nudity, sex between men…”

Mrs. Kang sat down again, catatonic just imagining.

Her son wouldn’t be a part-

“I’m in”.

“What?” the boy's mother shouted everyone attention in the restaurant, she placed her hand on her chest. “I think I'm having a heart attack... I-oh my god, I cannot see anything!”

“Mrs. Kang, are you fi-”

“Ignore her. She always does it when things don’t go according to what she wants.” Yugyeom touched Jackson's hand, preventing him from comforting his mother. He was worshiping that sense of power, of being able to destabilize her. “About the character, I accept to do. Mom got confused when she said I had a new job because I didn’t. I mean... now I have. Right mrs. Wang?”

“Ah... yes.” Jackson smiled at the boy. “You have”.

**[now, DORYA studio]**

“You can only be kidding me!” Jinyoung yelled at his friend, unable to understand how he had seen a good point in that ridiculous assumption. “You're not serious, are you? You couldn’t hire him-”

“I signed the papers before we came here.” Kim Yugyeom interrupted Park Jinyoung, smiling sarcastically. “Then, of course, he's serious about it, sir... but can someone tell me something? Who is he?”

Park Jinyoung opened his mouth in disbelief.

He laughed irritably, listening to Sana asking for patience and calling someone to bring some water. Jackson approached his friend, taking him to a corner where they fought a war of shouting and swearing.

Jinyoung wouldn’t accept that. He had let Jackson take a stand about Jaebeom, he had had a ridiculous fight with Taemin because of that, but he wouldn’t let the Chinese ruin his whole movie by doing that stupidity. Kim Yugyeom wouldn’t even come close to his main character.

“Let me see if I get it right” the red-haired boy asked thoughtfully, disconnecting another call from his mother before facing the woman who had introduced herself as Sana. “The one with glasses is the writer of the book that as being adapted for film? Besides that, he's the screenwriter and director assistant?” the wrinkle between his eyebrows showed doubt about the truth of that. How could anyone have so many roles in just one movie? “Is that possible?”

“When you’re Park Jinyoung? Yes”.

Park Jinyoung? Yugyeom had no idea who is he.

Sana left him alone sometime later to join the fight that hadn’t come to a conclusion, and Yugyeom searched the writer's name on Google. He twisted his lip in a grimacing face and opened the Wikipedia page:

Park Jin-Young (hangul: 박진영; hanja: 朴 珍 榮; born September 22, 1994), most often credited only as Jinyoung (hangul: 진영), is a South Korean writer. He is related to Sakura Publish Company and has been in number one ever since. Jinyoung made his debut as a writer on the amateur site Wattpad by _Yohanie's_ pseudonym, with his book Come back soon to Seoul, which was purchased and published by Sakura years later.

“So you're a famous erotic novelist...” Yugyeom whispered to himself, staring at the photo attached to the Wikipedia page. He hung up the device in his hand, looking at the boy next to Jackson Wang. An involuntary smile was born in the corner of his mouth. Her mother would die when she knew. “This is going to be fun”.

**\- c –**

“I'm sorry for earlier” Jackson to say again, parking the car in front of the Kim family mansion. “Jinyoung didn’t mean to offend you by saying those things. He was just surprised, after all, I hired you without communicating it, and this movie is about his book”.

“It's all right mr. Wang.” Yugyeom repeated smiling. “I understand, it must have been a shock for him not to have taken part in my hiring. No need to worry, I wasn’t offended...” it’s was a lie. He wanted to punch the writer for calling him a spoiled child. He wanted to kick his balls for said that Yugyeom hadn’t talent. But he wasn’t going to let it show, he needed the paper to give his mother what she deserves. “By the way, what will happen now? He didn’t seem willing to give up about his thoughts”.

“Don’t worry about it. I'll fix it up”.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks for the confidence and the ride, mr. Wang”.

“Yugyeom-ssi...” Jackson smiled shaking his head. He was too young to be called ‘mr’. “I know it's too soon, we just met but can I ask you a favor? It's important for me”.

“Of course sir”.

“ _That_. The ‘sir’ thing. I'm only twenty-five. Mr. Wang is my father, not me. Why don’t you call me Jackson-ssi until you feel comfortable to call me hyung like everyone else?”

Yugyeom parted his lips.

The directors whom the work generally didn’t like to be called hyung.

“I know I am asking a lot but I don’t feel comfortable being called sir every time. So do me this favor, call me Jackson-ssi” the Chinese smiled excitedly. “I'm sure it will be more comfortable for both of us, and it's going to be the initial step for you to call me 'hyung' eventually”.

Kim Yugyeom nodded, taking his backpack.

“Jackson-ssi?” the boy asked before actually leaving. “If I’m don’t ask too much too, can you get me a copy of the book we're filming? I like to read the manuscripts when the films are adapted from physical books. It would be incredible to get a copy”.

“Uhm…” Jackson thought for a moment. “I have a copy on my desk in the studio. Remind me tomorrow when you meet the rest of the cast and I can give it to you”.

Yugyeom thanked him with a naive smile — which Jackson didn’t yet know but that was fake as anything that came out of the red-haired boy's mouth — before finally leaving. He laughed to himself.

The first thing Yugyeom heard on the way home was his mother's screams asking where he had gone — the young man had managed to escape with Jackson while his mother called the company, informing them of the madness he wanted to do.

“I went to see the studio where we're going to shoot”.

“So it's really true?” Yuri asked, turning on the sofa. “Are you really going to act in Bloodsport's adaptation? For real?” he nodded, tossing his backpack into the chair, before sitting on the other couch and receiving a furious glare from his mother. “Oh my God!”

“Are you against it too?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Yuri asked, jumping beside her brother on the couch. “Have you ever read the book? The story is incredible. It's about this boy, Yohan, who was a famous ice skater and who suddenly ran away from his life to hide from the cameras and live a quieter life after being focused on one-”

“Can you shut up Yurie?” Kang Bo Young yelled at her daughter, pulling the phone out of her pocket. “We don’t want to know about this shit. Your brother will not act in this production trash-”

“I already signed the contract”.

“You what?” the woman stopped. “You did what?”

“I signed the contract.” he replays with a smile. “Jackson-ssi took me to meet the producer and I can assure you he was pleased with my hiring mom. I made it clear that I’m an adult and I answer for my choices... they will inform the company tomorrow”.

Mrs. Kang screamed, kicking, and cursing all the bad words she knew. Yugyeom watched with a smile on his face. He loved to see her freak out like that, watching her face turn red and she had no way out.

It was fun for him.

“Yurie...” the boy called his sister, getting up. “Do you want to go with me to meet the rest of the cast tomorrow?”

“What? Really?” Yugyeom nodded, hearing his mother scream when she said neither would leave the house. “Oh my God, wait until I tell the school I met the writer Park fucking Jinyoung!”

Yugyeom laughed with his younger sister's excitement, knowing that it would be even more fun to make his mother suffer for not controlling two of her children, no just one. He turned to Kang Bo-Young:

“ _Omma_ , can you call to Yuri’s school and say that she’s not coming to her class tomorrow?”

Mrs. Kang let out a breath of air, annoyed at her son's attitude. She knew what all that was about, it was a power play for Yugyeom, and Bo-Young would do anything to make sure the boy didn’t get anything from it. She would show him who was in charge:

“I'll contest the contract. You cannot sign anything before you talk to your agents” the woman said in a calm tone, running her hands through her hair to straighten them out. “Do what you want, take your younger sister with you. I don’t care. Enjoy your two minutes of freedom, because when I leave the company tomorrow, I'm going to go in with that damn contract ripped into a thousand pieces”.


	5. you’re brilliant…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyung…”
> 
> “I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life, Yugyeom-ah.” Jaebeom whispered, leaning over the table as if to reach Yugyeom. If the youngest's heart wasn’t already beating super faster before, now it was. “I hope you know how much I admire your work and how pleased I am to be able to make this movie with you...” Lim Jaebeom was known as the ice prince. Someone with few friends, a few words, with a cold look and who didn’t smile. With Yugyeom, he was too warm, too attentive... too kind and gentle. It was nothing like ice, he’s was like fire near Kim Yugyeom. “You're brilliant and I hope I can make you see that”.

**\- i –**

Mrs. Kang had been able to convince the agency's CEO to cancel the DORYA studio contract for Bloodsport. Meanwhile, Kim Yugyeom was committed enough to go against everyone. He refused to allow his mother to win that battle, so he had made it clear that if he were banned from participating in the film, he would find another agency to take care of his career.

The boy even threatened to seek a contract with the rival agency, saying that he had already received offers and that he could accept them if they didn’t let him do that movie. As expected, the pressure had an effect, since his contract was one of the most valuable for the company in question.

“... hyung?” Yugyeom called from where he was, causing Lim Jaebeom to lift his head in his direction. “You asked for what taste?”

“Banana.” Jaebeom shouted back, closing the book. He sat down, bending his knees, and put a pillow over his legs. They were in Jaebeom's character, Woojin, bedroom set. “What did you got?”

“Chocolate.” Yugyeom said, handing over the cereal bar the elder had asked for. The younger one sat facing him. “You know I always get chocolate. The day I get another one, you can be sure that something very bad will happen to the universe”.

“Dramatic!” Jaebeom rolled his eyes, taking a big bite of the cereal bar before pulling Yugyeom by the ankles, making him put his legs over him. “Let's rehearse scene 85, line 13”.

Jackson had come up with the 'rule' that actors who formed romantic pairs should create routines that would make them intimate, comfortable with each other. Jaebeom and Yugyeom would not leave for nearly two weeks — it had been strange at first. Being hugged to another man, receiving kisses on the cheek or neck, maintaining eye contact, and always changing touches. It had been embarrassing, but Yugyeom was professional. He managed to overcome the strangeness and was willing to learn with Lim Jaebeom.

So they had created familiarity with each other, though Jinyoung didn’t see it like that — Jackson had managed to get Park Jinyoung to let Yugyeom continue as Yohan. The younger suspected that it had something to do with the movie producer, that Jinyoung was leaving him there against his own will, but he didn’t care.

Even if Jinyoung hated him, ignored him, made him repeat the same thing over and over again, he didn’t care. He was in that movie to prove that he could answer for his choices and because he wanted to show his mother that she could no longer control him.

“I want to kiss you...” Jaebeom/Woojin whispered, tilting his body toward Yugyeom/Yohan, who came to him and quickly entered the paper as he denied. Woojin imitated the expression that Jinyoung insisted on saying he wasn’t doing right. “Why not? Just a kiss”.

“Min-Seo hyung can show up at any moment.” Yugyeom says back, biting his lips, feeling Jaebeom run his hands down his legs. He closed his eyes and smiled. “What are you doing?”

“I'm trying to get a kiss” Jaebeom replied, rubbing his lips over Yugyeom's soft cheek. “What do you think of my persuasive tactic?” He questioned outgoing, making the other laugh. “Are you already impelled to give me a kiss?”

Yugyeom ran a hand over the back of Jaebeom's neck, watching the boy respond to his touch and raise his lips to his face, close to his mouth:

“I don’t know…” Yohan whispered, licking his lips as he felt Woojin's hot breath against them. “Maybe if you-”

Kissing was something Yugyeom didn’t find strange when he was in a character. But kissing another guy was particularly confusing. He was still trying to improve his thoughts about that, was studying and striving to make the situation fluid, but it was still difficult to maintain the character's authenticity in those situations.

“What do you guys think you’re doing?” they were startled to hear Park Jinyoung questioning outside the set. Yugyeom pressed the back of his hand over his lips, watching Jaebeom get up and explain that they were rehearsing. “You call it what I just saw rehearsal?” the writer laughed annoying. “It was the worst kiss I ever saw in my life”.

Yugyeom was sure the writer hated him. He showed it in the way he spoke, the way he looked at him. It was clear from the beginning that Jinyoung was against his participation, and since the boy had begun to attend the studio and rehearse, he found ways to remember that his presence was unwanted.

“Go back to the main room now. We're going to do the fucking real rehearsal” Jinyoung grumbled without looking at Yugyeom. “With the real cast”.

Before the boys could say anything, the dark-haired man stepped out of the set, leaving Yugyeom with an ugly face behind. He had tried to ignore the way Jinyoung treated him, had told himself that it didn’t matter, but he was starting to get angry.

“Don’t take it seriously. Jinyoung is just concerned about the shooting delay, you know…” Jaebeom caught his eye. “Come on. Let's go to rehearsal before he comes to fight with us again. Get your things”.

**— ■ —**

“No.” Jinyoung said impassively, reverting to Yugyeom to do that scene again. Everyone in the cast was sitting in the conference room, where they usually read the script and rehearsed. Bambam, who was always well praised by the writer, pointed a line to Yugyeom, who repeated it again and again. “No. That's not it...” the red-haired boy licked his lips, looking at Jungkook and Yugyeom. He squeezed the paper in his fingers. “No”.

“Then tell me how can I do it!” Yugyeom finally exploded, making everyone look scared. He had punched the table. “You only know how to say no instead of telling me my mistakes. You're the damn writer here, so why don’t you help m-”

“Again.” Jinyoung looked away, turning the page. He was not even following the Yugyeom scene, he was reading Youngjae and Joy’s scenes. The boy squawked. “I told you to do it again”.

“No. I’ll not-”

“Yugyeom, please.” Jeon Jungkook, whom Yugyeom knew by Twitter, pleaded docilely, smiling at the boy. “Just do it”.

Yugyeom rolled his eyes before opening the script again, in the scene that Jinyoung had obliged him to do countless times. He took a deep breath and looked at Jungkook, repeating the lines.

“No. That's not it!” Jinyoung shouted. “Get up and do something different. Show me a different way, because this isn’t working boy, you're not hitting the tone, the emotion... nothing. Do it again!”

Yugyeom looked at him with angry eyes, his cheeks red. He stood up pushing the chair, leaving everyone alarmed at his reaction... and surprised when they saw him kneel in front of Jungkook, his eyes red as he said Yohan’s line:

“Hyung, you can have my heart if you want. You can step on it, stick a knife in it... do whatever you want. But, hyung, can you stay for me? Ca-”

“No!” Jinyoung shouted banging the table, making Yugyeom startle against the sound. Jackson touched his friend's shoulder, who ignored him and stood up, grabbing Kim Yugyeom by the nape of his neck as he stood up. It was all so chaotic, rude. The table even moved as Jinyoung pressed Yugyeom's body against it, looking directly into his eyes, his hand still on the back of his head. “Hyung... you can have my heart if you want. You... can step on it, stick a knife in it!” the man says desperately, his eyes watering. Yugyeom held his breath. Jinyoung moves his other hand, touch Yugyeom’s cheeks. “Do whatever you want. But, hyung...” they could hear the sobbing echoing from Park Jinyoung's throat as a work of art. The dark-haired man shook his head, containing his fake emotion by showing who Song Yo Han was. “Can you stay with me?”

When Jinyoung let Yugyeom out, the younger felt every part of his body tingle, his legs hurt by the way the older had held him against his height, and his stomach was twisted. He took a quick look at each face in that room, aware that they were as surprised as he was because of what the writer had done.

“That's how I want you to do it” Jinyoung says between his teeth, returning to his chair. “I want you to convince me that you are desperate for Si-Yoon, that you need him more than you need your own heart to live.” Jinyoung looks into Yugyeom’s eyes. “Make me believe you love him!”

Yugyeom sallow, unable to say anything. He was so stunned that he hadn’t even realized how breathless he was. The boy understood that he should sit down again and forget about it when Sana asked Youngjae and Joy to do one of their scenes with the actors who would play the boy’s parents.

He’s feeling like a mess.

Not that Yugyeom cared that Jinyoung was always treating him badly, he doesn’t care about this fact, but the way Jinyoung had insured him, as he had said that Yugyeom should convince him, made the younger questioned himself about his job.

Wasn’t he a good actor enough to show what the screenwriter wanted on the first try? Had he spent too much time believing in what his mother and agents, who were only interested in money, told?

Why everyone saw something in him and Jinyoung didn’t?

That bothered the boy.

Everyone always praised him. Even if Yugyeom is a stubborn person, everyone loves him. So why didn’t Jinyoung recognize his talent like everyone in that fucking world? What was missing in his interpretation?

— ■ —

“Are you thinking about what Jinyoung said?”

“Shit!” Yugyeom grunted as he dropped his phone, which fell on his foot. He looked at Jaebeom with an ugly face. “You scared me”.

“Oh really?” the older man groaned, approaching to pick up the phone from the floor for the tall one, who pressed his lips to the receiver with a smile. “Don’t think too much about the things he says and you will survive until the last filming day”.

“It's easy to say, he adores you.” Yugyeom complained. “Everyone is privileged by him... Youngjae is the genius who always gives everything that Jinyoung asks for. Bambam’s funny. Joy tears hearts from that guy's eyes... and I doubted he had a heart before seeing him all melted for her dude.” the boy made Jaebeom laugh. “And in the midst of you guys, there is me, who he hates for real”.

“He doesn’t hate you.” it was a lie. Everyone knew Park Jinyoung's opinion about Kim Yugyeom. He hated the boy. Yugyeom raised one of his eyebrows, challenging Jaebeom to continue that lie. The older man shrugged his shoulders. “He may not like you that much” he admitted with a sigh. “But _hate_ is a strong word to use”.

“He hates me.” Yugyeom repeated firmly, looking at Jaebeom's eyes this time. “But I don’t really care about that, I've worked with a lot of directors who didn’t like me... but none of them made me doubt my talent like that guy did a few hours ago hyung. This is pissing me off!”

“Yugyeom, it's not like that”.

“Of course it's hyung, did you see how he took over the scene and made everyone look at me when he said he wanted me to convince him that I was in love with Jungkook? It was humiliating!”

Lim Jaebeom was known to always have a serious expression. Some people called him an ice prince. However, people should see him near Yugyeom or Bambam. They would be sure that the ice prince's reputation doesn’t fit well with him.

“Listen to me” Jaebeom said, kneeling in front of the younger man, placing his hands on his knees. “Don’t listen to what Jinyoung says, stop doubting yourself because of his stubbornness, okay? When it comes to a book, the writers are always intense about it, and Jinyoung is no different, besides being here to help Jackson, he's the writer of the book we're filming, of course, it's a sensitive job for him”.

“You love to defend him, don’t you?”

“I'm not defending anyone, I'm just being realistic here. He's just like any other writer involved in a filmography, he wants everything to be perfect, and the main character can ruin everything if he's not well-worked. something that goes wrong, it's not your name that will get tainted. It's him, because you'll always be actor Kim Yugyeom with great performances and criticism about your work, but he'll become the renowned writer who has spoiled his own adaptation”.

It made sense.

Yugyeom wasn’t stupid enough to not know it made sense, but it still bothered him the way Jinyoung doubted his talent just by hating him for having an active voice in that fucking industry.

He hated to know that he had to work with someone who despised him for so little, someone who didn’t know his motives to go against his mother, his agency, and the public.

“Do you think I should give up from this?”

“Of course not!” Jaebeom almost screamed, grabbing Yugyeom's hands in his. “Don’t think about doing nonsense. You're part of Bloodsport’s family, you cannot even think about abandoning this boat, do you understand me?”

Yugyeom laughed. Jaebeom spoke exactly like his father.

“Yeah. I-”

“Yugyeom?” they looked at the door, where Oh Se-Hun, Kim Yugyeom’s manage, was. The boy smiled happily. It had been some time since they had seen each other. The agency had sent Sehun to take vocation after the man had had a fatigue crisis. “I'm sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys”.

“Hyung!” Yugyeom laughed releasing Jaebeom's hands to go to Sehun, who smiled back and hugged the boy. “Oh my God, my whole universe is going to make sense again now.” he says happy. “Hyung, why did it take you so long to come back?”

“I am really sorry about that Gyeomie”.

“Are you sorry? Huh. Then I know that you have a lot of work and I don’t accept another medical certificate. I’ll not allow them to send you away again!” the boy complained. “My life turned to hell with the temporary manager they given to me. My mother made me-”

“ _Rehearsal in 2 minutes on the ice skating set_.” the red hair was interrupted by Sana's voice in the megaphone. “ _Rehearsal in 2 minutes on the skating set…”_

Sehun smiled at Yugyeom's ugly face.

“Come on” manage said. “You have rehearsal and I need to update myself on your agenda.” Sehun sighed, showing the computer in his hands. “From what I could see, your new schedules are crazy dude”.

Kim Yugyeom loved So Se-Hun. He was older, he has Yugyeom’s older brother age but he has a young soul, like Yugyeom. They always had fun together and it had been annoying to stay all that time without him. For that, even though everything was in chaos, Yugyeom was happy to have Sehun back at such a critical time in his life.

“Are you going to take me to eat later?”

“Only if you do well at rehearsal”.

“Jaebeom hyung!” Yugyeom shouted. “Let’s go for God’s sake, I'm going to eat meat and drink until I fall later”.

**\- c –**

Eujin talks with the movie extras about how they should move, what places they would need them, and which ones would appear in focus on the screen sometime during the film test while one of the makeup artists finished Yugyeom makeup. Sehun, who had come up with all the stuff the kid liked to take before rehearsing a scene, talk about the appointments that should be reviewed by the marketing team because some dates clashed with important events in the movie.

And the boy didn't know why, but he felt as if everyone had been staring at him since Sehun's arrival as if he were organizing Yugyeom's life was some stupid thing. And he understands this.

Sometimes the redhead thought that Sehun was a substitute for his mother, but the elder didn't control him and didn't say what Yugyeom should speak when he went somewhere. He just helped him stay in order, not missing any important commitments. The rest was with Yugyeom, it was up to him so he decided what to say, what to wear, whether to attend, or not in an event.

“Are you ready for your clothes?” Eujin asked him, waving to staff to bring the first piece, which would be used in Yohan's first figure skating scene recording. “We just need to see how your body will be able to move with it”.

Yugyeom nodded. He understood all the movies test, it wasn't the first time he did that, but he was trying to follow Sehun's advice, to not do a show about everything and behave like an asshole.

When Yugyeom left the dressing room, Joy shouted for Bambam to look at him:

“Fuck dude! You look like a cartoon vampire in live action.” the Thai said really sincere, showing his thumbs to Yugyeom. “I was going to sleep a bit, but now I want to see the screen rehearsal for real!"

Kim Yugyeom was dressed in an all-black suit, with sleeves glued to his arms, white stones that ran from his left shoulder to the hos hips bone. The shingles in red made the top piece looks like a blazer, with a collar and a white collar with pebbles inside. It was like seeing a vampire wearing a stylish cloak.

his red hair was tidy in an elegant hairstyle, the makeup with red and purple tones left his eyes deep and mysterious as if they had a warning of 'danger' to everyone.

Joy swallowed, knowing she'd just resumed her crush for Kim Yugyeom thanks to that fucking look.

“ _Figure skating cast, please go to your seats_ …” Sana shouted into the megaphone, drawing everyone's concentration. A staff handed 4-wheel skates to the boy. She stops in front of him. “What now Yugyeom?”

“Wouldn't it be cooler to give me a blade skate? We're going to film in an ice ring... for an ice figure skating competition”.

Sana smiled.

“The instructor thinks it's more appropriate for you to start with the 4-wheel skates, so we'll try those with a blade later. We just need to see how everything is on the camera, what the instructor can teach you, and how your stunt will reproduce your body's movements”.

Yugyeom prepared to reply, but Jackson Wang came out of nowhere:

“No fights, just do what she's asking, please.” Yugyeom knew it wasn't a scolding, the Chinese were just trying to protect the youngest from Jinyoung, who passed by without even giving a 'hi'. The dark haired one rolled his eyes. “He is the one who should have the reputation of ice prince, not Jaebeom right?”

Yugyeom laugh, aware that he could hear a sermon for instigating such behavior and Jackson walked away, leaving the boy behind with the staff and the skates.

He looked at Sehun, who dared to look away as if he was saying something like 'it's not my problem at all'. The boy took the skates and sat in the chair next to the movie extras, and Jeon Jungkook, who already wore his four-wheel skates.

The camera director and the others did some quick tackling of the ring, taking some angles that Jackson thought necessary.

When Sana gave the completion okay, the Chinese used the microphone to ask everyone to go to the ring.

“What are you doing?” Sana screamed as Yugyeom stopped in the middle of the ring, holding on in Jungkook's arm. The woman turned to the directors impatiently. “This kid doesn't obey! I told him to put the four-wheel skates like the other actors, but he doesn't listen to me... Jackson do something!”

Kim Yugyeom bites his lower lip, watching Jackson and Jinyoung approach with ugly expressions. They were ready to lecture the boy, Jinyoung would probably get him out of the movie right now. Even the instructor had an irritated expression on his face.

"... you know that the first rule of a contract is to maintain the safety of the actors. I cannot allow you to use this!” he said to Yugyeom. “The skates have a sharp blade.” Jackson sounded peaceful, gesticulating dramatically as if that would change the fact that the boy was using a professional figure skating roller skate, not the plastic wheels like Jungkook. “I don't want to have to fight with you one more time, so just go back and get it out”.

“And do it faster!” Jinyoung growled. “You're, as usual, delaying the whole process-”

Kim Yugyeom rolled his eyes, releasing a strong breath of air as he pushed his body backward, taking distance from everyone, who began to scream so that he would stop being stubborn.

The boy ignored them, tilting his chin as he adjusted his posture on the skates before taking elegant strides over the ice. He moved his feet, making circular lines and serpentine shapes, preparing to make a three-turn.

The emotion that ran through everyone's bodies as he moved his arms, making his whole body move like a work of art was indescribable. The instructor's jaw dropped.

He was showing basic steps, but it was a surprise to the professional one that an actor involved in war and drama shooting was so elegant and stable on top of a blade.

“He will not doing a...” before the instructor could finish his sentence, Kim Yugyeom made a spinning counterclockwise, placing his left foot which made an outer curve into the air and landing with the right foot, with his back to everyone. “Oh my God!”

“Record this...” Jackson Wang whispered hypnotized, watching the boy move on the ice, his body curving as he started a spin that started from his ankle and rose to his head. Yugyeom grabbed the blade in his hand as he made the knee straight again, lifting his body and making a faster spin. “Record this!”

“He's showing figures category for real.” the instructor whispered next to Jinyoung, who seemed confused by all the action on the ring. He had never even imagined that Kim Yugyeom, known with his art moves in action dramas, could be so light and graceful. “This kid is really good, Jinyoung-ssi. I didn't know he could do that”.

“No one knew.” Jackson smiled in surprise, feeling his heart and blood run. He couldn't take his eyes off the boy's movements. “Put the number 5, please! I want a perfect focus on his face as soon as possible!”

The song number five, Masquerade by ToshI, echoed through the skating rink just as Yugyeom passed them, skidding backward with speed.

“I want to see if he can work with someone else…” Park Jinyoung nudged the instructor. “You can go there?”

“Yeah-but-ah... I can but that can get ruin the kid's moves if he-”

“Just go in there and do something good kinds of stuff for the camera with him.” Jinyoung said impatiently, swallowing his saliva. He took the phone out of his pocket. “I need to make a call. Jackson...?”

“Okay, okay. I understand.” the Chinese answered without taking his eyes off the track. Without taking his eyes off Yugyeom.

Jackson wasn't the only one hypnotized by the boy, Jaebeom couldn't even close his mouth. Bambam had taken some pictures to show the boy when he back to his normal, by then, Bambam, Youngjae, and Joy were lost on the screens in front of the camera director.

Jackson rushed to his seat, indicating where they should focus, where they should move the cameras, and the instructor stepped into the ring, causing everyone to hold their breath, and Sehun squeeze the computer on his chest when they saw Yugyeom make a wrong move because of his sudden presence.

“Damn!” Jaebeom shouted, almost moving in anticipation of a fall, but Jungkook held him in place as Yugyeom moved faster, past him again, raising the air and making a move they didn't know to involve the instructor in his small movements. Lim Jaebeom smiled, "This boy..."

They didn't know how, but Kim Yugyeom threw his legs into the instructor’s body, who held him tightly and rolled them all up to get a better look, making Sana regret screaming at the boy for disobeying her. They were picking up, which should be hard to do with another man since Yugyeom was twice as heavy as a girl was and speed could bring them both down.

At the end, when Yugyeom stepped away from the instructor to finish with a flip, where he used the serratus of his right foot during the inner spin of his left foot and landing with the outside of his right leg, everyone applauded.

With a pretty laugh, Kim Yugyeom slowed his movements by taking his body to the edge, where Jungkook and Jaebeom received him with applause. He returned his friend's embrace, hearing him say how proud he was that he had seen him show his talent instead of doubting himself.

When they broke apart, Yugyeom braced himself for a scold when he saw Park Jinyoung staring at him.

“You could have hurt yourself.” Jinyoung grunted. “The studio could be in trouble if you had hurt yourself, Yugyeom-ssi. Do you have a notion of your irresponsibility?”

Yugyeom laughed sarcastically.

He wanted to be able to turn to Jaebeom and say 'and you still try to tell me that hate is a strong word to be used to refer to the way he treats me', but he didn't have much time.

He was too agitated with all the work in the ring, his heart racing in his chest and he couldn't limit his vocabulary to sarcasm:

“Why don't you fuck yourself?” Kim Yugyeom asked irritably, putting the handkerchief that staff had given him on his sweaty forehead, gasping for a glass of water. “You're a jerk, you know that? I just saved you, and all you have to say is that the studio could-”

“I want you to gray your hair.” Park Jinyoung interrupted Kim Yugyeom with a calm expression on his face. The boy narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Yohan starts the book with almost gray hair, so I need you to change your hair. Can you set an appointment for him, Sehun-ssi?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay. But take a look at my schedule before you do it, I want to go to make sure they get the right tone”.

Jackson and the others widened their eyes.

“So you finally agreed with me? You will stop looking for a substitute actor and accept that he’s perfecto to play Yohan’s character?”

_A fucking substitute actor?_

Yugyeom's brown eyes widened, even Joy, who was oblivious to everything because of the repetitions of the ring recordings, choked on her coffee.

Was Park Jinyoung looking for a substitute all that time?

So that why he lived trying to show everyone that Yugyeom had flaws? That way he would have motives and proofs when he substitutes the boy for another actor. Yugyeom wanted to curse him.

“First we'll see how far mr. Kim can go now that he has raised his level to me...” Park Jinyoung was an asshole. The smile on his face made Yugyeom's stomach ache. “Until then, you can say I'll stop looking for someone else. But he needs to respect the rules. Never go into that ring again with a blade skate without someone say so.” he said seriously, rude, cold. Yugyeom hates him too. “Do you understand me, mr. Kim?”

Yugyeom closed his fingers tightly, wishing he could feel the nails in his palms, but the gloves were too soft... which only made him madder.

He felt Jaebeom touch his back, making a discreet circle there, which made the younger one breathe and put an embarrassed smile on his face:

“I'm sorry for my irresponsibility, Jinyoung-ssi.” Yugyeom was dying inside, but wouldn't let Jinyoung win that war. He was no worse than the boy's mother, so the younger could easily deal with the eldest easily with a fake smile on his face. “It will not happen again”.

“Great!” Park Jinyoung says, turning his back on everyone, including his friend, who rushed to him to discuss the possibilities with Yugyeom now that the writer had seen what the Chinese saw. “And set an hour in the salon, I want to see this red as far from your head as possible”.

**\- ii -**

“You're probably overreacting.” Kim Yugyeom's father, Kwang-min, say again, putting the cups on his skin. “Why would he hate you if you did not know each other before that movie? It doesn’t make sense”.

“The fact that he's a complete asshole makes everything make sense to me…” Yugyeom snorted out of the chair, following his father into the living room. He was, against his mother’s will, visiting his father after a long time. He missed the man and his younger sister. “Jackson, the movie director, says it's personal, that he's like this to everyone, I don’t get it”.

“Why not?”

“Because he’s nice to everyone besides me!”

“Don’t believe in that. How can he hate you? I thing this Jackson guy is probably right. I don’t know many people either and I don’t like them”.

“Because you're like your mother in that, you just like those who have the same hobbies as you. Remember that Yu-jin hyung friend who was a complete stalker and you thought him super cool just because he liked the same bands like you?”

“Different cases!” mr. Kim complained with a pretty smile. “He was good at fooling us”.

“Just you dad.” Yugyeom mocks. “Jinyoung just doesn’t like me, and I really don’t mind about that, but it bothers me that he uses it to say I have no talent”.

Yugyeom's father understood. Although the boy was going through a difficult time in his life — where he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his career — he had devoted a lot to build his name. It was hard to see someone suggesting that everything had been in vain, that he had no talent after having suffered so much to be a good actor.

Kim Kwang-min could remember how sad things had been in the past. How he felt like a lousy father for not being able to stop them from making Yugyeom suffer so much. Like, one time when Yugyeom was only twelve, the boy had a 40º fever. The doctor says that he kid need to rest for a few days, but his mother had done her seduction game, lying about the people who wanted to see him, saying that he needed to be a pro or the fans would abandon him.

Mr. Kim felt like a complete idiot for not being able to prevent his, until then wife, to take the boy to that silly event, where he fainted and remained unconscious for two hours.

“You shouldn’t care about this, okay? Yeah, maybe he does it to weaken you, but you're the most skilled and talented actor I know.” Kwan-min had spent the rest of Yugyeom's life trying to redeem himself for his mistakes, so he didn’t would let his child doubt himself. “I cannot tell you about the other actors, but my son is amazing and I say this not as a proud dad, but as a person who sees the impact you have on people's lives”.

“Dad...”

“I am serious!” He insisted. “Did you know that a 1st-grade girl in economics was going through a difficult time with depression? So another girl took a CD with that comedy drama you did with that actor from What's wrong with Secretary Kim, and since then I've always heard them talking through the corner, talking about how much happier she’s just to watch your dramas and the shows you do.” the old man sighed contentedly at his son. It was good to know that Yugyeom could bring something good to people, even with his strong temper. “So, I don’t admit that you criticize yourself because a person said you’re not good because you're more than good, _pumpkin_ ”.

Kim Yugyeom loved his father. The way he was always present in his life, how he had done everything to make his childhood less troublesome, how he always encouraged him, and above all, how he loved the way the man called him a _pumpkin,_ like old times.

Despite all the family problems, Kwang-min was a wonderful father.

“Thanks, dad.” Yugyeom said putting his head on the man's lap, who smiled and ruffled his red hair. His mother could be a demon in his existence, but at least his father was a protective angel. “Can you do me a favor?” Kwang-min nodded. “Can you give something to your student from me? The one you mentioned”.

Kwang-min smiled. He had failed with many things, but he knew that he had helped raise a good boy. He has good kids. He nodded.

“I'm very proud of who you are becoming, Yugyeom”.

**\- iii -**

He was concentrating on his game when Yugyeom’s heard Sehun talking to Park Jinyoung, who had just appeared in the salon. And even though Sehun had announced the man, the boy didn’t waste his time looking at him, he was more interested in going through that phase of the game than getting an ugly look from the writer.

“Yugyeom?” Somin, who usually took care of Yugyeom’s hair, calls some time later, asking him to follow her to her bench. The boy sat down in the chair. “What color do you want? How about we go back to that yellow shade you used after filming A paradise called you?”

Yugyeom opened his mouth to speak, but Jinyoung went faster:

“I want you to make his hair gray, but a stylized color, maybe a gray that looks almost blonde and brown at the same time...” the writer explained, taking his phone out of his pocket to show Somin something he wants. “Just a lighter tone”.

Somin looked at Yugyeom. She knew the boy long enough to know that no one was guessing at the color of hair he wore, delivering Sehun went a step further by explaining that the change was for his new movie.

The woman nodded, taking a good look at the photo before mentioning how they could come in that tone, it was a time-consuming process because the red needed to be completely removed.

“We're going to let white hair platinum, it's a process that can make his head sensitive at some point...”

“Seriously?” Jinyoung had never changed the color of her hair. Unless letting the brown the more closed color be considered a drastic change, he had never undergone transformations. “How much time will it take-”

“No need.” Yugyeom said without taking his eyes off the game. Sehun puck him. “I've already made worse processes, you can do it all at once, I don’t want to waste time coming here again” he said finally looking at the others through the mirror. Jinyoung rolled his eyes, calling the boy an exhibitionist. “Saving time isn’t an exhibiting thing, it's just saving time for everyone. If I've done worse processes before, why not do it now?” He questioned angry. “Just do it soon. I have a commitment tonight”.

“You're not going to go out for a night and come face to face in the papers the next day, are you?”

“What's wrong with it?” the boy asked, hearing Somin chuckle as he asked him to sit down in the washer.

“Everything! You’re related to my movie now, you cannot go out to drink and end up beating something like you did-”

“Let's make a deal, okay?” the one with red hair interrupted him, raising his hand so that he would really shut up. “You take care of your private life in your way, and I take care of mine in my way”.

“Yugyeom…”

“What?” the boy grunted at Sehun. “My private life has nothing to do with his movie, so I don’t know why he tries to put a finger here”.

“Yeah. I really understand, but you have to see this right, the actors' image is everything for a movie and-”

“So the movie already has a bad image, don’t you think?” the boy smiled ear to ear, laying on the scrubber for Somin to do the process of decolonization. “At least until Jinyoung-ssi gets a replacement actor…”

Jinyoung stared at him in disbelief.

He was so immature in his eyes that it was even humiliating to try to put a little bit of judgment in his head.

“Yugyeo-”

“I found you!” someone Yugyeom couldn’t recognize from the corner of his eye said with a heavy sigh. “Jesus, this salon is huge, it looks like a movie thing and-oh. Hi.”

“Heejin.” Jinyoung sighed his girlfriend's name as if he is ashamed. He took a step away from the boy and walked over her, holding her gently by her arms. “What are you doing here? And by the way, how did you find me here?”

“You forgot that I can get everything I want out of Jackson?” the woman smiled. “He slips it in two minutes...” she explained, glancing over Jinyoung’s shoulder. “It's him?”

“Huh”.

“Oh my God!” the woman put her hands in her mouth, excited by the situation. To Jinyoung's unhappiness, Do Heejin was Kim Yugyeom's work fan. “I cannot believe I'm finally meeting him in person!”

“For God's sake!” Jinyoung rubbed his temples, wiping his sunglasses. “Don’t make a fanatic scene here, please. I don’t need it”.

Somin finished applying the product on Yugyeom’s hair and moved away to get something, was when he took the opportunity to see who it was. He didn’t know that woman.

“He's looking at me!” Heejin wanted to scream, but Jinyoung held her in place, ashamed. He couldn’t bear the fact that his girlfriend had such a bad taste for celebrities. “Oh God…”

“Hello.” Kim Yugyeom said with a gentle smile on his face. It was a fake smile, but it was the best he could give to his fans at that moment of his life. Heejin made a strange sound as if he were dying, but in a lively way. Yugyeom looked at Sehun. “Are you a fan?”

“She is my girlfriend”.

“Yes I am!”

Jinyoung and Heejin spoke at the same time and then looked at each other. The woman pinched him, mad by the interruption.

“Don’t listen to him… I mean, yes I am a fan. And I'm also this nosy but gorgeous guy girlfriend.” she smiled as she patted Jinyoung's chest. Yugyeom's brown eyes fell on the man. He had read about a longtime girlfriend, but he had never bothered to look for her. She was beautiful. The woman had round red cheeks, a bright smile, and brown hair. “I love your works so much! I saw all your dramas and films and your talent shows and everything-”

“We already get it!” Jinyoung stopped her, making Yugyeom like the annoying expression on his face. “It’s enough, you're messing up-”

“She isn’t messing anything up. Don’t say that to her.” Yugyeom anticipated the writer's words. Rising to greet Heejin. The woman's eyes widened as he bent over and looked back at her with a smile. “Nice to meet you...?”

“Do Heejin!” she screamed excitedly, grabbing Yugyeom's hand even if he hadn’t extended it. The boy took a good look at the angry expression on Jinyoung's face. He was hating everything. “I'm a fan, I swear I always see everything that you do, I even have a group in the kakao where we talk about you, of course I'm the oldest of them all, but who cares?”

She was lively.

A woman too excited to be with someone as cold as Park Jinyoung.

“Thank you. I guess…” Yugyeom whispers his lasts words. “I'm very happy to know that I have such a dedicated fan”.

“Too bad you aren’t dedicated enough to them right...”

“Jinyoung!” Heejin cut her boyfriend's words off, who stared at her in astonishment. “Don’t listen to him. This is all because you don’t-”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll stop. Shut up now.” Jinyoung shouted with a forced smile, separating Heejin from Yugyeom before everything blow in his face because of her. “Look, babe, why you don’t wait from me outside? Now we need to finish-”

“Oh she can stay.” Somin smiled at Heejin. Jinyoung rolls his brown eyes, but the woman just ignores him. “How are you feeling? Something burning in that pretty hear?” Yugyeom thinks for a minute. _No. It wasn’t burning_. He said. “Great. There are only five minutes to go now”.

**\- c -**

That afternoon Kim Yugyeom’s discreetly complaining with Somin about his scalp, Park Jinyoung hating all the attention his girlfriend, Heejin was giving to the actor, and they finalizing the boy's hair.

There was a time when Jinyoung needed to change his voice with Somin, because she almost cut Yugyeom's hair, saying that was what he usually does when they dye his hair. Yugyeom liked big hair, but most of his characters had shorter and straight hair. She always cut this.

At the end of the night, when they have done everything, Yugyeom sent a message to his date saying he was free for real, that he just needed to go home. Sehun mentioned something about going to the company and Heejin asked for a photo with Yugyeom before Jinyoung fought with her. Yugyeom had some fun from that.

“Don’t you dare leave without a hat.” the writer reminded the boy, who opened his eyes wide. He had dinner at a fancy restaurant. “People cannot see your hair yet”.

“Then why did you insist on me dyeing this?”

“Because I need to see the contract to make sure of some things about you?” the writer asked back impatiently. “Why do you always have to question my motives? Just do as I say, don’t leave without a fucking hat”.

“I have a damn date!”

“This is your problem!"

Park Jinyoung left after that, leaving Yugyeom furious behind.

**— ■ —**

“I'm sorry for that” Yugyeom said again, referring to the hat. He was wearing too expensive clothes, in a restaurant too expensive to wear a hat. “He insisted that I wear it. Sehun said he would kill me if I disobeyed that fucking asshole”.

“It's okay, I don’t care. You're still beautiful even with the hat on”.

Yugyeom's brown eyes widened at that comment.

It wasn’t unusual to hear a man's compliment him so sincerely, and for a brief moment, the boy wanted to make a joke to try to hide the fact that he was too surprised by the man's attitude.

Kim Yugyeom could never have dinner with anyone of his choice.

It was always the boy’s mother who arranged his dinners, and they were all about business. He had never gone out to eat with a friend, or with his siblings, he was always too busy to get a chance to call someone and he knew his mother would make things difficult.

So that was his first dinner… a dinner that had nothing to do with business. It was just a date with a friend.

“You really are weird, Jaebeom hyung.” the boy laughed, taking another sip of his wine, watching the older man smile back as if he didn’t understand. “It's just that you always say these things to me”.

“Does that bother you?”

Did it bother him? Yugyeom didn’t know.

It might have made him a little confused because no other man had praised him unless his father and brother, but it didn’t bother him. It was Jaebeom after all. Nothing he did could upset Yugyeom.

“No. It's just weird.” Yugyeom admitted, cutting a piece of meat. He lifted the fork to his mouth, feeling his cheeks burn with Jaebeom's stare on his face. “Do you usually say this to every person you call on a date or am I special?”

“You are special”.

That made Yugyeom cough.

Vernon used to say that Yugyeom was special but never like that. Maybe no one would ever say that in such a serious way to Yugyeom. Only Jaebeom. The boy felt his hands sweat.

“You're very silly, hyung. If anyone hears it will be too weird for both of us...” he said trying to sound calm. “Would you like that?”

“Why not?” Jaebeom asked back. “What's the problem if someone shows up now and film me up doing this...” he asked putting his hand over Yugyeom's on the table. They looked at each other. The youngest had never felt so confused in his whole life. He tried to think about what all this might mean. Maybe Jaebeom was using Jackson's tactics, which they had in the studio to make them feel more comfortable with each other. “Huh?”

“Hyung…”

“I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life, Yugyeom-ah.” Jaebeom whispered, leaning over the table as if to reach Yugyeom. If the youngest's heart wasn’t already beating super faster before, now it was. “I hope you know how much I admire your work and how pleased I am to be able to make this movie with you...” Lim Jaebeom was known as the ice prince. Someone with few friends, a few words, with a cold look and who didn’t smile. With Yugyeom, he was too warm, too attentive... too kind and gentle. It was nothing like ice, he’s was like fire near Kim Yugyeom. “You're brilliant and I hope I can make you see that”.


	6. get out of my head...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “However” Park Jinyoung cut the boy off, stopping at another red light. “I have a notion that your figure staking ability is the key to making Yo-Han even more consistent. Working with an actor who can perform the character profession so well is important...” Yugyeom was waiting for the 'but'. He knows Jinyoung has some of them. “And I know it's going to be hard to find another actor who can do the same for Yo-Han in figure skating, and create bonds with the rest of the cast less than two months into the official filming”.
> 
> “But?”
> 
> “It’s not a ‘but’, it just that I cannot pretend to like you. I can’t ignore what has written on that medical record, and most of all, I can’t put my team at risk for you.” Yugyeom nodded, turning to the front. Of course, talking to Dino wouldn’t solve things, Jinyoung didn’t like him, he didn’t want him in his film and everyone knew that. “So I think we have to make a deal here”.
> 
> Kim Yugyeom turned to Park Jinyoung with wide eyes.
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “A deal".

**\- i -**

A good feeling swept over Kim Yugyeom's body as soft lips traced kisses over his belly. The boy arched his back with the warm touch on his skin, biting his lower lip in the process.

His toes curled.

When he looked down, watching the cat's eyes look back, the boy knew that all his sanity had faded before he actually sucks him.

Jaebeom bites the corner of his mouth, smiling discreetly before approaching Yugyeom's face...

“Wake up!” Bambam yelled, tapping a pillow on the boy's head. Yugyeom, who was asleep on the couch in the training room, sat up in awe. His body was warm, skin ached and the worst part wasn’t the boy’s dry throat but the erection inside his jean. He grabbed the pillow from Bambam's hands and pressed it into his lap.

What the fuck had just happened?

“You were having an erotic dream, Yugyeom-ah?”

“What?” Yugyeom yell, catching Joy's attention, which was across the room. “Of course not...” he whispered sheepishly, licking his lips. Bambam tried to pull the pillow. “Hyung. Hyung, stop it!”

“So tell me the truth!” the Thai smirked mischievously. “Were you having an erotic dream or not? I heard you moan in your sleep”.

“What? I moan in my sleep?”

“So it was an erotic dream!” Bambam yelled, this time catching Jinyoung and Jackson's attention. Yugyeom grabbed the Thai by the arm, pulling him to the couch in despair. “With who? Any hottest actress that I know? A little bird said you had a date yesterday…”

He swallowed.

What should he say? That he had an erotic dream with Jaebeom? With a fucking guy? He couldn’t say that! Never. He will not say that.

Yugyeom thought of a lie but was interrupted by the door. Sana gets in the room with Jaebeom, laughs super happy.

“Ya, Kim Yugyeom!” the woman shouted excitedly. “So you took Jaebeom to dinner and didn’t invite us?”

Yugyeom's jaw dropped.

Bambam's eyes widened when Yugyeom grip his arm.

It didn’t take more than 3min for the Thai to understand.

“Fucking no. You-”

"Shut up!” Yugyeom whispered through clenched his teeth, his heart pounding. The boy smile at Sana. “It's not what you are thinking noona”.

“For real?” Sana asked getting closer and closer. Yugyeom swallowed again and looked at everyone in the rehearsal room, stopping at Jinyoung, who had a curious expression on his face. He knew the writer didn’t want him to make mistakes in public, and after remembering Jaebeom putting his hand over his in the restaurant... after the dream he had, he was afraid Jinyoung might be suspicious of some future problem with him. “How can you take only Jaebeom to eat?”

“I'm sorry noona.” Yugyeom smiled sheepishly, hugging the pillow again. “It was a last-minute thing...”

Jaebeom frowned.

It hadn’t been a last-minute thing.

“And it was just dinner, we were using Jackson hyung tactics out there, you know?” Yugyeom lied again, making Jaebeom grit his teeth. _What he’s doing?_ Jaebeom thought. “It was all for our characters”.

“Really?” Sana asked playfully. “Jaebeom said it was a date and he had a lot of fun with you last night…”

“A date?” they heard Jinyoung ask. Yugyeom looked away as the writer stood up. “Yugyeom-ssi? Can you come to my room for a moment?”

“Why…?”

“We need to talk”.

Yugyeom felt threatened.

Jinyoung already had problems with him, already wanted to replace the boy... he was just looking for a reason that could be plausible, and even if Yugyeom knew how to skate, the writer wouldn’t mind using something like a scandal to get rid of him.

Bambam nudge Yugyeom to wake him from his thoughts.

Kim Yugyeom sighed deeply and laid the pillow on the couch before passing by Lim Jaebeom with his head down. He had no idea what was really happening.

When he closed the door, Jinyoung made a confused sound with his mouth, making Yugyeom prepare for the worst. He would punch the man if necessary:

“Are you, by any chance, gay Yugyeom-ssi?"

“What?” Kim Yugyeom shouted. “Are you crazy? Of course not!”

“Just lower your guard...” Jinyoung grunted. “I'm not criticizing you here. Your sexual orientation isn’t a problem since I write and I'm directing a homosexual movie.” Yugyeom bites his tongue. “I'm asking this because I need to know since you and Jaebeom seem really close”.

“Jackson asked us to be like this... he's like my friend, a hyung I can count on in the studio okay. We don’t have anything more than this”.

“Are you sure?” Yugyeom didn’t know where Jinyoung wanted to go with that. “Going out for a date is more than being a studio friend, Yugyeom-ssi, that means you two are creating real bonds, so I need to know the status of your relationship”.

“Why?”

“You're in this world longer than I am” Jinyoung sighed as he approached the boy. “You’re an actor since you have four…” the man hated being so soft-spoken but he didn’t want to scare someone so young and unexpected. “You know how things can be if someone creates a story about you both. I need to know things to be able to defend my cast's career... don’t you think?”

He understood.

If someone had filmed Jaebeom put his hand over Yugyeom's, the movie could be demonized by lies. Jinyoung needed to know facts to be able to destroy any hypothesis.

Kim Yugyeom sighed.

“I’m not gay.” he said firmly. He really wasn’t. Not that the boy knew. He had never dated anyone seriously... Yugyeom had some famous girlfriends away from the cameras. He had a good sex life. But nothing indicated that he liked boys too. “Jaebeom hyung and I are just good friends, so you don’t have to worry about the film image because of us”.

Park Jinyoung studied Kim Yugyeom's expression, behind some hint that he might be lying. But he didn’t seem to be... actually, the kid was not lying that time.

Nothing was happening between him and Jaebeom. Unless one hand over the other and an erotic dream can be reads like a loving relationship, nothing was happening and nothing would happen.

Yugyeom liked girls. He was totally sure about that.

**— ■ —**

“Did you know the boy made ballet for nine years?” Park Jinyoung asked in surprise, placing the glass of wine on the table while watching Heejin button her shirt. “Why isn’t this public to his fans?”

“I still cannot believe you asked Mark to investigate the boy”.

“Well, I didn’t ask Mark to do this himself, I asked him to ask his friend to do it.” Jinyoung tried to mess with Heejin’s angry again. The woman look at him with zero patience. “I needed to know about him!”

“Why?”

“Because this boy is an enigma?” Jinyoung asked back, making space for the girl to sit on his leg. Heejin took the folder from her boyfriend's hands and read Yugyeom’s file. “He came out in the ring all of a sudden, knowing how to skate like a pro. Then Sana discovered that he and Jaebeom are going out on their own... I asked, he didn’t answer me”.

Heejin looked at him:

“He doesn’t answer doesn’t give you the right to investigate the boy’s life, Jinyoung”.

“He lies about everything!” the man complained, pointing to the file in her hands. “Half of these things aren’t public, he's an actor full of hidden tricks. I don’t want to take the risk that one of those tricks could fuck me up”.

Heejin rolled her eyes. She always tries to be on his side, but Jinyoung is overthought about Yugyeom. Heejin knows that it was hard not to be curious about an enclosed book. On the other hand, she didn’t understand him because she believed that certain things in a person's life, however public they might be, should be kept secret.

So maybe Yugyeom didn’t want people to know everything about his life.

“It makes sense that he is good at skates. He has been part of a team for ten years” Heejin said impressed. “Ballet probably came as a way to improve his moves for the figure staking thing”.

Kim Yugyeom was really a surprising box.

Jinyoung had discovered some things about the boy that no network know about. He didn’t know how the boy had managed to hide years of skating and ballet, or how he could be so disguised in his foreign interviews since he spoke four languages, for example.

It was as if the boy had more faces than an actor really should have, as if each line that Jinyoung read, he discovered a new Yugyeom.

He was afraid that some of the boy's secrets might harm him in some way.

Jinyoung bite his lip and typed the user he'd gotten with the man Mark had pointed out. He faced a private Instagram account, with only 500 followers and 304 photos. The man took some wine, changing his account to the fake profile he had created, before returning to the profile:

_Do you want to follow **_dandelion?**_

He rubbed Heejin's back, ignoring what the woman was saying to him... when he realized he had already pressed the follow button.

“Fuck. Did you hear what I said?” Heejin asked turning to Jinyoung, who turned off the screen of his phone. He nods no. “He has some anger problems”.

“What? Are you sure?”

“It's what it says on his medical record” Heejin explained, showing the file to her boyfriend. “He had some problems when he was in Namyangju-si, Yugyeom was sixteen.” the woman blew air through her nostrils. “He broke a boy's nose at school, ripped off two teeth from another boy's at a party... fuck, he even hit some guy knee with a baseball bat in front of a store, Jinyoung” Do Heejin, the new doctor resident from Seoul Memorial say apparently worried. “He's a ticking time bomb!”

**\- ii -**

Yugyeom licked his ice cream, running his finger over the screen of the phone while reading some messages from the boy’s fans. Some people were moving a hashtag, asking JTBC or TVN to give Yugyeom a role for one of their new dramas, because according to them, the man has time enough for everyone to miss him.

The boy smiled because in some situations he felt comfortable with his fans to love and attention. For example, it was good to know that some people cared enough about his job to miss him. So Yugyeom made publishing a new/old photo with a suggestive caption:

 **@RealKimYugyeom** : Feeling good enough to act on any type of paper. Just give it to me!

He nibbled at the corner of his mouth, savoring some more of his chocolate ice cream before leaving Twitter when. The boy checked the status of the most important contacts on his Instagram, and then he typed the official Bloodsport movie account — that he had been obliged not to follow until they made a publish an official comment about his paper in the movie — to see the new posts.

They had updated the fans with a photo of Jaebeom, Bambam, and Youngjae, where the three of them looked really excited and happy. Yugyeom read the caption:

 **@thisisbloodsport:** the fantastic quarter must be complete soon. _#lookingforaSongYoHan_ TT~~!

He sighed, wishing he could tell everyone he was also part of that movie. It might irritate Jinyoung and his mother, but Yugyeom couldn’t help himself for wishing to tell everyone.

Before he felt more frustrated, the boy accessed his secondary profile, where he published random shots of places, people on the street... his street theater team. He would publish the kind of photo he liked to take, the kind that didn’t have to have his face, and didn’t have much attention.

The boy laughed at some comments from friends of AGE team and liked some photos before receiving a request to follow. He looks at the user for a long moment, **@thissoul_die**.

_You have a direct message.  
Do you want to **accept** or **decline**?_

The boy didn’t mind accepting strangers in that profile. As long as his mother didn’t find that, Yugyeom was comfortable with anyone following him, since he didn’t post pictures of himself.

He accepted the request and then checked his DM:

 **@thissoul_die**  
hello…

Yugyeom frowned.

He clicked on the space to write:

me _  
ah, hello._

“Hey!” Kim Yugyeom lifted his head the instant Noa approached his table, waving a beautiful smile on his pretty face. The younger one smiled happily, getting up to greet his friend with a hug. “It looks like it's been forever since I've seen you!”

“Yeah… I think about a month and a half? Something like that”.

“Whoa! A month and a half?” Noa nodded thoughtfully. He wanted to tell Yugyeom that he missed the boy, that the group missed him but he wasn’t sure if he should say that. In his opinion, the boy seemed too happy for his feelings to get in the way, so Noa just smiled. “So why don’t we sit and get the conversation up? I've got so much shit to tell you!”

Kim Yugyeom could be many things in his life. He could be rebellious, problematic, uneducated, a lousy son... but he wasn’t a bad friend. Despite all the trouble he'd arranged for his friends for the simple fact of being who he was, even though his mother was always in the way, he was a good friend. He knew how to listen when needed, knew how to help, and was always willing to make someone laugh if they were having a bad day.

Yugyeom was simply the best friend that Noa could have asked to do in his years in Korea.

“And…” Noa started sneaking. “Are you dating anyone? Is that why you're gone for so long, or is it just your mother?”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes.

“No, I'm not going out with anyone.” less than dinner with Jaebeom was to go out with anyone to Noa, Yugyeom was still single. “And I said it to you already, it's just a new project”.

“That you cannot tell anything because it's a secret?” the youngest confirmed with a smile. “Is that why you're wearing a hat?”

“I had to change my hair for this project.” Yugyeom explained, touching the hat with both hands. He hated using that thing everywhere he went. “The person in charge of the idea doesn’t want people to see it yet, not until he's sure he can announce me as part of it.” The boy sighed with a grimace. “I have to wear this hat all the time”.

Noa laughed, saying that Yugyeom looked good with that hat, that he didn’t have to worry about the photos the photographers would take because his fans would probably love the boy anyway, and Yugyeom rolled his eyes, kicking the Japanese under the table before asking for the bill. He needed to get back to Seoul.

“Cannot you even come by in the studio?” Noa questioned unhappily, accompanying Yugyeom to his car. “Vernon and Woozy don’t stop asking about you... cannot you go and see them for a few minutes?”

Yugyeom wanted to, but he couldn’t.

He sighed.

“I need to have lunch with my mother before I go to... that project, you know? She wants to talk to me, so I really don’t have time today. Sorry hyung”.

Noa nodded, pressing his lips together. He just wanted to spend some more time with Yugyeom. The Japanese watched the youngest get into the car, and waved as he honked away from him.

“Fuck Yugyeom” Noa muttered to herself, shoving his hands in his pockets. “When are you going to start making it easy for me?”

**\- c –**

It wasn’t surprising that Kang Bo-Young had not given up yet on the idea of making her son left that project, which in the woman's head was against society's rules just because it was a gay story. However, Yugyeom couldn’t have suspected that his mother would take a stranger to their house to dine with all her children after insisting for years that the house was a safe and private space for them.

Yuri, who had been forced to give up sleeping at her best friend's house to be there, had spent half the night blaming Yugyeom for the presence of the producer because according to the girl, her brother was too stupid to believe that their mother would just sit idly just because the company had been afraid of its threats.

And Yu-Jin didn’t seem interested in getting irritated or attending dinner. He just ate in silence and listened to everything without saying anything, without even being present at the table for real. He did the same when his mother forced everyone to go to her office.

“That's exactly what I tell him!” Bo-Young laughed dramatically, completing her older son's glass. “Yugyeom has some much talent to go beyond Korea, he has numerous movies and series proposals in the United States, but he never listens to me... I'm sure he would be wonderful interpreting in other languages. He knows four different languages”.

“Seriously?” the producer asked in English. Yugyeom's mother nodded, glad for all the effort she had made her children learn other languages. “How interesting. Can I hear him speak a little in English?”

“Of course you can!” Bo-Young turned smiling but visibly authoritative to her son, who smirked and gritted his teeth. “Yugyeom, dear, why don’t you join in the conversation?”

“Why should I?”

Bo-Young smirked, approaching the boy. The woman pinched his arm, and the tried not to show how uncomfortable that simple skin tightening had made him feel.

Yu-Jin, who was whispering something to Ye-rim, called his mother in a harsh tone:

“Stop this. Please...”

“What?” Bo-Young smiled as if everything was fine. She turned to the producer and said something quickly, looking back at her son, who still smoothed the spot on his arm. “I just want your brother to show the result of years of study... huh? Please?”

“Omma!” Yu-Jin scream-whisper as the woman gave another pinch on Yugyeom's arm. The boy got up alarmed, swallowing his saliva as she smiled. “Why don’t we leave it for another time? Huh? Yugyeom has rehearsal today... right Yugs?”

The boy nodded, returning his glass to the table.

“I need to-”

“You're only going to leave when you talk to our guest!” Mrs. Kang croaked in Korean. The way her eyes stared at her son, as even the presence of Yu-Jin, whom she always listened to, don’t stop her for scaring the hell on everyone. Ye-rim bites her bottom lip. “Come on, don’t embarrass me. Talk to him. Now”.

Kim Yugyeom looked at his siblings, who nodded apprehensively. They knew their mother could make a scene, call a security guard, and make Yugyeom hostage until her anger goes away. He doesn’t want that.

So Yugyeom just turned to his mother's guest, as if he really wanted to start a conversation with the man, with a cold expression on his face.

“I want to apologize for not having participated in the whole conversation over dinner” the boy whispered in English, making his mother turn to the producer with a lively smile. “My mother takes care of this kind of conversation, even though she's no longer my manager and agent... she plays that fucking part.” He smiled sarcastically, listening to his mother clear her throat. “But I have to thank you for your presence today and deny your possible invitation. Maybe she didn’t inform you about this...” Yugyeom felt the way her mother's body moved, as her expression threatened him. He placed his hand on top of the spot she had pinched before. “I'm already cast for a movie, so I'm sorry but I cannot offer myself for a role outside of Korea, I have no interest in anything than this movie”.

**— ■ —**

“Are you ignoring me?” Lim Jaebeom was the kind of person who liked to clarify everything. He couldn’t bear being made like an idiot, because he always got hurt when people acted as if nothing were different. Yugyeom was doing exactly what Jaebeom didn’t like, he was being cold with the man, but he was acting like nothing was wrong. “What did I do to you?”

“What?” Yugyeom grunted and tied the lace of his skates. “I don’t know what you're talking about hyung, I'm not ignoring you… why would I do that to you?”

“Maybe because I hit on you?” Jaebeom went straight. This was another attribute of him, he hated being surrounded and creating random conversations, he liked to be direct about what he wanted. “And because I tell Sana noona that you took me on a date?”

Yugyeom tried to dismiss his annoyance with a laugh:

“Of course not!” he raised his head, facing Jaebeom and his worried expression. “Look, hyung-”

“Just tell me the truth.” Jaebeom cut him off. “Did I get it wrong? Did you get upset all the time and say you don’t care because you were being polite to me? Is that what happened?”

Yugyeom swallowed.

What could he say? That Sana had scary him with that ‘date’ conversation? That Jinyoung had questioned his sexuality for this, and that his suspicion made the boy upset? Or that he'd had an erotic dream with Jaebeom after their date?

He didn’t know what to say.

Yugyeom sighed deeply and prepared to make a good excuse, one that made Jaebeom understand how much their friendship was important in the raw time they knew each other, but how their relationship would be no more than this.

“Hyung, I-”

“Kim Yugyeom!” Park Jinyoung shouted at the door. The boy turned to face him, confused by the shouting. “In my room. Now”.

He wanted to ask what it was that time, but Jinyoung just left again, slamming the door.

Jaebeom sighed.

“It’s okay, he'll probably fight over some costume that you screwed up again.” he tried to sound funny as if he wasn’t upset about being interrupted. Yugyeom forced a gruff grin and stood on the blades, knowing that Sana would kill him if she saw him walking with those skates on the normal floor. “I'll see you at rehearsal later?”

“Oh. About that… Jackson hyung changed my sequence.” the younger shrugged, but he knew the reason for the change. He had requested that the Chinese exchange his scenes of that day. “I'll rehearsal the scenes with Jungkook and Youngjae hyung today”.

“Oh really?” Jaebeom looked away. “I see. Okay”.

Yugyeom didn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say, and didn’t want to try to say anything either. He just nodded and left, walking carefully over the blades to the room Jinyoung shared with his main team.

“What is it now?" the boy asked closing the door. “Are you going to make up anything else about me? Like I'm sleeping with your girlfriend too?”

“You fuck someone’s knees?”

Park Jinyoung could never read Kim Yugyeom's face as well as at that very moment. The boy had responded just as his eyes widened and his cheeks paled. The headmaster closed his fists and eyes, incredulous.

“You fuck did it, right? Fuck!” Jinyoung whispered to himself, rubbing his thumbs at his temples. “How could I let Jackson hired you when I already imagined the kind of person you were?”

“It's not that bad!” Yugyeom yelled back, taking a step toward Jinyoung, who just raised his hand as if to tell the boy 'spare me from your lies'. The younger one bites his lip. “Can you please hear me one time?”

“I want you out of my movie”.

“What?” Yugyeom shouted. “No! You cannot do that just because-”

“I already did it!” Jinyoung laughed sarcastically. “I called the producer, I have a meeting with him tonight and when he finds out about it, I am not going to have anyone against my decision. You're out”.

Perhaps no one could understand how that film had become important to Kim Yugyeom. Not only for his career, because no one had the idea that he was in the cast yet — Jackson had suggested making it a secret to everyone. So no one knows about that movie.

But he needed to do something without having his mother controlling him, without everyone saying what was right or wrong for his career. Yugyeom was in hiatus for a year now. Before Jackson showed up, nothing had brought him as much enthusiasm as that damn movie.

Yugyeom needed to do film Jinyoung and Jackson’s movie, he needed to show his mother and himself that he could do that. That his whole life hadn’t been a fairy tale created by his own mother, that he was really good at what he did and that, above all, he loved acting.

He needs Jinyoung to see that.

“I was sixteen back then and I was always angry!” he would do anything to continue in that film. He could stand Jinyoung and his constant doubts about his talent. He could handle with Jaebeom. He could go over his agents and even his mother to do that specific movie. “I was surrounded by cameras all the time! I've never stopped working since I was four years old and... it was just suffocating, okay!” Yugyeom admitted more to himself than to Jinyoung. His psychologist always questioned him about that time and he could never speak more than two words about everything. “I know it doesn’t justify anything, there are people who suffer more than I do but I had no other way to let all the anger out. At that time, I managed to get the company to let me spend my weekends in my hometown with my maternal grandfathers, and I spent so many years just ignoring everything I felt that I just exploded suddenly-”

“Fucking someone's knee with a baseball bat is not blowing up suddenly, at least not from my point of view. The kid needed three surgeries to repair the damage you caused, Yugyeom-ssi! The doctor says-”

“Wait a moment!” Yugyeom made a sarcastic sound, stealing. He was desperate because he didn’t want to have to go back to his mother's control, he had not even realized. How did Jinyoung know about that story? “Did you have someone check me out?”

“I needed to know where I was getting into with you”.

Kim Yugyeom's jaw dropped.

“You investigated me?” he screamed as he sat down, felt a tingle forming on his legs as if he would fall from so much anger if he did not lean on something. “I cannot believe you investigated my private life. What you've done is a crime-”

“You spank a man two months before Jackson found you, Yugyeom-ssi. That's a crime too.” Park Jinyoung says, his voice sounding bleak to the boy. “You got three teeth from a boy, hit a person with a fucking baseball bat, so yeah I investigated your life.” He had investigated Yugyeom because he didn’t trust the boy, his intention wasn’t to humiliate or make the boy uncomfortable, he just wanted to check who he was working with. However, Jinyoung couldn’t admit anyone with a medical history of aggression and anger in his cast. “I don’t want to sound rude, but I have to say… you have problems, we know that. Just look at the things you have said these days, in your actions... in the way you are always willing to start a fight and punch my face for a comment-”

“This has nothing to do with what happened in the past!” Yugyeom screamed angrily, making Jinyoung clench his fists. Heejin had asked her boyfriend to be alert with the boy because according to the little she understood, people with problems with anger couldn’t always control themselves. He'd probably lose if Yugyeom started a fight, his video spanking a guy in the bar was proof of that.

“I want you out of my movie. I'm not going to put my team, the cast, and my name at risk because of you”.

Yugyeom licked his lips, laughing.

“You think you can kick me like that?” the youngest asked, running his hands through his gray hair. He shook his head, biting his upper lip before looking at Jinyoung with his brown eyes. “You cannot. Your producer loves me!” Kim Yugyeom smirked. “Did you know he sends me gifts all the time? It's only been a month and a half since Jackson hired me, but your producer loves me Jinyoung-ssi”.

“He may change his mind when he learns that the tabloids are right about you, that the outbreak you had a year ago had nothing to do with exhaustion…”

Yugyeom licked his lips, feeling anxious.

“What is your problem with me?”

“Don’t you know? Everything!” Jinyoung cried out unable to control his temper. He laughed, running a hand through his hair, showing his sarcastic side as he stuck his cheek against his tongue. “I cannot stand the way you treat people like you treat and talk to your fans. I cannot stand the way you act like you fucking own the world... like you have control of everything, when you don’t you have control of your own life, boy. You are toxic-”

“I think you'd better stop there.” Yugyeom gritted his teeth, his breathing was louder, his veins altered. He raised an eyebrow, watching Jinyoung's lips curl up as if he is disgusted. “You don’t know me... you don’t know what you're talking about. I know what it says in the medical report, but you do not understand, okay? What happened in the past was a mistake and-”

“And the guy who sued you for assault before we met?”

Yugyeom hated exposing his friends, his private life. It was the only thing that did not matter, that the mother covered the existence of her not famous friends because that way they were safer.

However, Yugyeom hated even more than people who did not know him say shit about what they believed knowing about him.

“I have this one friend…” he whispered, pressing the thumbnail over the palm of his hand. “I'm not that much older than him, just a few years, but he's like a very young brother that I really have this real instinct to protect, you know?” the boy asked, moving his knee. He kept his eyes on the ground. “And I swear it had nothing to do with what's in that damn medical record, I was just trying to help a friend and things got wrong”.

“Trying to help a friend? Spanking a person in public? Appearing on the national network as a complete lunatic because of that?”

“No! Helping a kid not to be probably raped by that fucking asshole okay!” Yugyeom screamed furiously, feeling Jinyoung's apprehensive look on him. He sighed deeply, biting his lip hard and clenching his fingernail in his hand. “I tried not to make it aggressive, I got between them and tried to be discreet when I realized that he had put something in my friend’s drink... but that asshole just pushed me and tried to pull the kid with him. I reacted”.

Park Jinyoung wasn’t the kind of person who believed in everyone easy. He had had his limit of disappointments to make him distrust everyone... however, Jinyoung believed in doubt benefit. Of course, he couldn’t simply believe ins Yugyeom’s words so easily, the boy might seem sincere for the first time in a whole month, but the writer needed more than simple words.

“Your medical recorder talks about the intermittent explosive disorder, Yugyeom-ssi. I cannot just ignore this because you're telling me a story that may not be true.” the writer sighed, unable to contain his frankness. He could take a punch, but he wouldn’t lie. “I do not trust you, in what you're saying. I don’t believe in anything that I cannot see or hear-”

“I'll take you to talk to him then.” mixing his worlds was a rule Yugyeom couldn’t bear to break. He hated when his brother tried to meet his AGE friends, or when Noa talked about his dramas, however, Yugyeom was willing to break that rule if need be. The boy got up quickly, feeling his knee wobble with his balance on the blades. “You trusted me in that fucking paper more than in me? Okay. Do you want evidence? Come with me to Busan... talk to him yourself, and then you decide”.

“It's not how things work-”

“Please?” Yugyeom asked. “I'm not the kind of person who apologizes or asks please, but I'm asking you... please, can you go there and talk to him before deciding to tell the producer about my medical record?”

Park Jinyoung didn’t understand.

He’s afraid of his fans knowing about that?

Because Kim Yugyeom didn’t need the pay for that movie, he was successful enough to keep on hiatus for years. Or he could just accept one of the probably millions of proposals he had kept. So Jinyoung didn’t understand.

“Why is it so important to you?” the man asks. “I'm here saying that I don’t trust you, that you're a danger to my team... and you keep insisting on staying in the movie?”

Kim Yugyeom looked away from Park Jinyoung's face.

No one needed to understand.

The boy didn’t need to explain why proving himself to everyone in that movie was so important to him, why he was putting his temper aside to be able to show Jinyoung that he could give up anything but not from that chance.

It was something that concerned only himself. No one else.

“Just... talk to him before you make any decisions”.

**\- iii -**

**@defsoul_jb** Can you dine with me tonight?

 **@k_yum** I'm sorry hyung, I cannot...

 **@defsoul_jb** how long will you keep ignoring me?

 **@k_yum** I'm not ignoring you!

 **@k_yum** hyung ~~~ I swear I'm not ignoring you

 **@defsoul_jb** then have dinner with me, please?

 **@defsoul_jb** we need to talk

 **@defsoul_jb** is important, yugs

 **@defsoul_jb** please?

Yugyeom sighed deeply, looking out through the window. He lifted his thumbnail to his mouth and bite the tip, listening to the soft noise the contact made inside the silent car. The boy felt the phone rings again.

 **@defsoul_jb** I miss my gyeom-ah

It was a picture of him and Jaebeom on the set of Yohan's room, the two of them lying on the bed, Yugyeom's head was in Jaebeom's belly as the older man looked at him, who read the script carefully. Something stirred in Yugyeom, his stomach giving an odd twist.

“Your girlfriend or your mother?” Yugyeom lifted his head, confused by the question. Jinyoung shook his head, pointing at the device in the boy's hand. “The messages that are pissing you off. Mother or girlfriend?”

 _Jaebeom_. Yugyeom thought to bite his thumbnail before turning his head to the window again. It was better not to respond, he wouldn’t know how to explain something if Jinyoung decided to ask more than he should. The man already had motives against the boy enough.

He felt the phone ring again.

 **@defsoul_jb** do you miss me?

It was a picture of Jaebeom with his cat Nora, pouting for the camera in the cutest and funny way possible. Yugyeom laughed unintentionally before sitting upright. Discreetly, he took a picture of the landscape through the window:

 **@k_yum** going to Busan ~~~!

 **@defsoul_jb** Busan?

 **@defsoul_jb** why are you going to Busan hidden?

 **@k_yum** how can you be so sure it's hidden?

 **@defsoul_jb** I didn’t see any news on your fan base, so it should be hidden...

Yugyeom laughed.

 **@k_yum** so you're spying on me through fan bases?

 **@defsoul_jb** will you say you never searched about me?

Not really. He had never researched Lim Jaebeom on the internet. He had done a quick search on Jinyoung... but not on Jaebeom.

Yugyeom bites his cheek.

 **@k_yum** I'm sorry to disappoint you...

“What's that on your arm?” Yugyeom's fingers were interrupted by Park Jinyoung's voice. They were standing at a red light. Yugyeom followed the older man's gaze to the purple bruise on his too-white skin. He dropped the phone on his lap with a half message in the text box, only to take his coat off his backpack. Jinyoung raised his eyebrows.

“It was nothing.” the younger one replied earnestly, closing the zipper to the end. “I hit the studio. It was nothing”.

“It's purple...” Jinyoung whispered. “And it doesn’t look like a hitting spot. It looks like a bruise-"

“The signal turned green.” Yugyeom interrupted him, taking his phone back. He ignored the sense of being watched and laughed at Jaebeom's glaring messages about the delay in his response. The boy sighed deeply before whispering to himself, however, letting Jinyoung listen: “He's so fucking dramatic...”

**— ■ —**

“You always say you don’t like to mix things up!” Noa says, ignoring S.Coups. “But you suddenly appear here with this guy? Who’s he?”

“He's a writer…”

“Park Jinyoung!” Woozi whispered in the middle of the group, which had gathered the moment Yugyeom entered the studio with the stranger. Vernon nodded. “I read all this guy's books. I cannot believe I'm see-”

“Shut the fuck up Woozi!” Noa almost screamed. Yugyeom punched his friend's shoulder. “Why did you bring him here?”

“Because he needs to talk to Dino”.

“With me?” Dino opened his eyes like two soccer balls. “Why?”

“Did you happen to show our videos and he became interested in Dino? I knew he was helping to produce the adaptation of his new book, Blood-something...” Vernon says curiously, making Dino open his mouth at the thought. “It is?”

“Not really.” Yugyeom smiled sheepishly. He never showed his friends' video to famous people. It was against his rule of not mixing his worlds. “Do you remember that fight at the nightclub? That everyone knows because some fucker recorded me?” they nodded. “Jinyoung-ssi needs to talk to Dino about it... because he wants to get me out of the movie”.

“Why?” they all screamed. “Because you hit someone?”

“It's a little worse than that, but I can guarantee there's nothing that could harm you, Dino.” he assured him, smiling at the boy. Dino had painted his pink hair. He looked like a cupcake. So cute. “You just have to answer what he asks”.

“And why should Dino do this?”

“Noa...!” S.Coups replied impatiently. “What's your problem today dude? Did not you realize that it's important? Yugyeom wouldn’t have brought him here if it had not been... right Yugyeom?”

“Of course not!” the boy sighed deeply. “I know it's uncomfortable to have someone stranger in your house, but it was the only way to make that jerk try to give me another chance... a third chance, to be more exact”.

Everyone stares at him in confusion.

“I cannot explain... yet. It's a project-”

“Holy shit!” Woozi laughed, shrugging Yugyeom's shoulders, who rolled his eyes. “You're going to be in the movie, are not you?”

“Woozi...”

“Is that why you're wearing that hood and hat? They changed the color of your hair, didn’t they?” Woozi asked excitedly, trying to make Yugyeom take off his hood. “Let me see... please! I swear I will not tell anyone about this, just let me see a little!”

“I cannot,” Yugyeom said cautiously, looking to see if Jinyoung had noticed anything. “They don’t let me tell anything yet, okay? And I have my ass on the line here, so please... can you stop and wait until the studio makes the official announcement?”

Woozi grimaced and sighed, crossing his arms.

Vernon and S.Coups rolled their eyes, wondering why Yugyeom hadn’t said anything... but as usual, the boy just disengaged and asked Dino to come to Jinyoung with him.

“Jinyoung-ssi” Kim Yugyeom called patiently, pausing with his friend in front of the writer. “This is the friend I told you about, his name is Lee Chan”.

“But known as Dino” Chan completed with a smile from ear to ear before reaching his hand out to the writer. “It's a pleasure to meet someone from Yugyeom hyung’s celebrity life”.

Park Jinyoung smiled discreetly, squeezing the boy's hand, but his eyes were fixed on Yugyeom, who understood the message and walked away from them.

Despite being with his friends, Yugyeom felt anxious. He was so anxious he could not pay attention to the way Noa stared at him, as if to say something important.

It took a long time for Park Jinyoung to say goodbye to Dino, and Yugyeom pulling his bag in haste, following the man outside even though his friends were calling his name.

He got into the car, was too anxious.

Jinyoung did everything calmly. He slipped on his seatbelt, rearranged his rear-view mirror, set the car down the road. He was too calm. Too quiet.

“So...?”

“He told me what happened that night.” Jinyoung nodded without taking his eyes off the road. It was night and they needed to go back to Seoul as soon as possible, they had a rehearsal the next morning. Yugyeom gestured to get more from the man. “But I still don’t trust you. The things you did in the past…” of course, Jinyoung would not change his mind about Yugyeom. “And not just that, I cannot pretend that I like you”.

“I'm not asking you to like me” Yugyeom says impatiently. “I'm asking you to be smart, Jinyoung-ssi. You need an actor who can do the best for your character, I'm that person and you know it”.

“No. I'm sure you're not that person”.

“How can you say something like that? I've been giving-”

“However” Park Jinyoung cut the boy off, stopping at another red light. “I have a notion that your figure staking ability is the key to making Yo-Han even more consistent. Working with an actor who can perform the character profession so well is important...” Yugyeom was waiting for the 'but'. He knows Jinyoung has some of them. “And I know it's going to be hard to find another actor who can do the same for Yo-Han in figure skating, and create bonds with the rest of the cast less than two months into the official filming”.

“But?”

“It’s not a ‘but’, it just that I cannot pretend to like you. I can’t ignore what has written on that medical record, and most of all, I can’t put my team at risk for you.” Yugyeom nodded, turning to the front. Of course, talking to Dino wouldn’t solve things, Jinyoung didn’t like him, he didn’t want him in his film and everyone knew that. “So I think we have to make a deal here”.

Kim Yugyeom turned to Park Jinyoung with wide eyes.

“What?”

“A deal”.

Yugyeom jaw drop.

“Are you for real?”

Jinyoung sigh.

“I don’t know. Really. But let’s try something” the man says, ignoring Yugyeom’s smiley face. “So you can’t, in any case, make your explosive behavior public again, Yugyeom-ssi.” Park Jinyoung, a renowned writer and director assistant of the adaptation of his own book, Bloodsport, sighed visibly unable to hide the fact that he didn’t could forgive himself for that decision. “If you get involved in any scandal, I'll get you out of my movie by bringing that record to the public. If you think about fighting or hurting someone on my team, I'll get you out of my movie” the man explains very seriously and cold. Yugyeom felt his stomach rumble, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. “If you dream of laying your finger on someone…”

“I promise it’ll not happen!” Song Yo-Han was a character that Kim Yugyeom could never do if he were the same person from a few years back. If his mother were still his agent, he wouldn’t even have talked to Jackson Wang, because Song Yo-Han was the kind of character that mrs. Kang hated the most. “I promise to you”.

Park Jinyoung wasn’t the kind of person who liked to judge others, he liked to know the facts. He believed more in what he could see with his own eyes than anything else, so when Dino explained what had happened, he realized that he had acted too fast.

He understood what Heejin had said about Yugyeom situation, but hearing Dino had made him question whether that behavior had been overcome. So Jinyoung could not simply use something that could harm both of them without have proofs.

 _Yeah_. He needs more than an old document.


	7. let's not talk about the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hated his own life. He knew that before he even became the ‘Korea bad boy’, when he was still too young and his mother had beaten him up so badly just because he had dirty his tie in the middle of an important event for her. It was a damn cake dirty in his tie, but mrs. Kang had left a mark significant enough that Yugyeom would come to understand that the life he had was miserable and did not want it.
> 
> “Yugyeom-ssi?”
> 
> “Let's stop talking about the past…” Yugyeom whispered, coughing to hide the fact that his throat was sensitive by the force he was doing to not to cry in front of Park Jinyoung. He didn’t want to think about those things anymore. The boy moved his body out of the shadow again, smiling with his red eyes. He wanted to forget, that he had lost his father and had been left with a crazy woman. That his siblings were tied in his existence because their mother would never allow them to have a life other than the life of the ‘actor Kim Yugyeom’s siblings’. He wanted to forget all that now. “Let's not talk about the past anymore Jinyoung-ssi”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in my other book, I will publish more four chapters because I will not have time to shows up for a few days due to university, I am taking exams online and my academic life is crazy messing right now... ahahaha.
> 
> I know times are tough, but I hope everyone is taking the time to occupy their minds with something that does you good. I hope that your family and you are all well, and that together you can get through it all.
> 
> Stay at home, take care of each other, take care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health if possible. Do not be shaken, do not feel bad and be safe.

**\- i -**

“Could you, please, try focus?” Jinyoung yelled amidst Jackson’s protests. “We don’t have much time to you keep made the same mistakes”.

“I am sorry!” Yugyeom replied with a long sigh. “I'm exhausted. We're rehearsing one scene after another for so long... cannot you just let me rest for two minutes?” he asked visibly tired. “Jackson hyung said he has not yet replayed the-”

“I want you to pass the lines, the others are in harmony with their characters, you aren’t.” Jinyoung grunted earnestly, not taking his eyes off his script while making some change. The truth is he had been catching Kim Yugyeom's foot since he'd made the deal with the boy. Maybe because he wanted to push the boy to his limits to check his behavior. Perhaps because he was still bothered by his own decision after Heejin had lectured him about it. “You will repeat and change line 12...”

“Jinyoung, do you really think it's necessary? He's gone from one rehearsal to the next in a short time.” Jackson says to his friend. “A break would not be bad. I have to review some scenes, you have to see the rehearsal of the other actors... let the kid rest”.

“He can rest later.” Jinyoung repeated raising his head, staring at Yugyeom. “Come on, do the scene...”

Kim Yugyeom had his suspicions about the deal that Jinyoung had offered to him. There were only two weeks, but the writer seemed oddly interested in leaving the actor exhausted in rehearsals. Yugyeom had his schedule changed by Jinyoung's assistants — which hadn’t pleased Sehun at all — and now the boy spent more time than any other actor in the studio.

“Action!” Sana screamed, causing everyone to shut up.

Yugyeom let out a long sigh, entering the character as he turned to Jaebeom again, with a lost and exhausted look.

“... _you love me?_ ” Yugyeom smiled, upset, just like his character in that scene. Yohan had just seen Woojin kissing someone else, and the eldest had run after the 'boyfriend' to explain himself, saying that he loved him and that the kiss had been a mistake. Then the two boys exalted themselves for innumerable reasons implied in the previous scenes that led up to that moment, until the moment when Woojin kissed Yohan's, pushing him against the wall. “ _What do you think you're doing?_ ” he asked him. “ _I don’t need you! I don’t need your fucking love, so get out!”_

“ _No!_ ” Jaebeom screamed, holding Yugyeom up against the wall, his arms around the younger one tightly. “ _I-ah... I..._ ” Woojin wasn’t a good character with words. He hadn’t been taught to speak but to act. So Jaebeom approached Yugyeom's face, his lips moving. As the two actors' mouths touched, the younger of the two felt his face turn red and he opened his eyes involuntarily because Lim Jaebeom had actually kissed him that time.

He’s kissing him for real.

Yugyeom coughed, placing his hand over his mouth as Jinyoung yelled 'cut' and came up beside them. He moved his head to the side to hide some vestige of that kiss that was supposed to be fake as he heard Jinyoung complain about the harmony between them.

“I made it clear before!” Jinyoung complained to Jaebeom. “Although it's an aggressive kiss, you can’t just attack his mouth like that. Woojin’s not the guy who forces a kiss...” the writer took a deep breath. “You have to create a good line between the thoughtless actions and the fact that he waits for Yohan's confirmation for this kiss to happen, Jaebeom”.

“Sorry, I am not thinking straight.” Jaebeom repeated Yugyeom’s words because they were all really exhausted and Jinyoung didn’t seem to worry about it. “I'll do it right next time. I sure”.

Park Jinyoung nodded.

He liked Jaebeom. Although the boy had taken Taemin’s role in that movie, he really liked Jaebeom. He like the way the man acted, how he related to everyone. They had created a good relationship during the time they knew each other, so Jinyoung decided to let him go home.

“You stay.” the writer says to Yugyeom, tapping his arm with the script. “I want to talk to you after Youngjae's and Joy's rehearsal. Until then, wait for me in my office”.

Kim Yugyeom sighed, avoiding looking at Jaebeom as he said good-bye to everyone and walking headfirst down to Jiynoung's officer - where he was likely to be scolded for his sloppy job.

When he locked the door, he felt not only the exhaustion but also the tension in his body for what Jaebeom had done. Yugyeom licked his lip, could still taste Jaebeom's minty lipstick on his mouth.

“What the fuck was that?” the boy asked himself, closing his eyes as he felt frustration hit his body. “Damn hyung”.

**\- c –**

Two hours later, Park Jinyoung said goodbye to everyone, talked to Jackson about the Chinese's decisions for filming, checked some locations scaled, and helped Sana and Eujin to solve some problems with the costumes and the secondary cast.

He also gave some advice to Jungkook, who had just passed his scenes with Bambam. When he completing his assignments, the writer laughed at a bad joke the Chinese made before he left, answered Heejin's text, and headed upstairs to his office.

He let a death sentence die in his throat when he saw Kim Yugyeom on the sofa in his office, sleeping with his hands between his knees... the boy looked like a two-year-old kid.

Jinyoung turned off the phone screen and approached the boy, pulling the chair in front of the sofa. He sat there... for a long time.

He had never stopped to pay attention to Yugyeom. He recognized that he was handsome and fit into Yohan's looks, but he had never stopped to analyze Kim Yugyeom's face as he was doing now with such patience.

The boy had many birthmarks on his face, his eyelashes were so long that it made a shadow over his salient, marked cheeks. Jinyoung could understand why Heejin had a photo of Yugyeom as wallpaper.

The boy whispered something in his dream about a kiss.

“Yugyeom-ssi?” Park Jinyoung calls him cautiously, touching the boy's arm. The way Yugyeom cringed and moaned at the touch, as his face turned into a grimace of pain almost made Jinyoung doubt the strength he had used to touch him. However, the actor didn’t wake up, he just whimpered before returning to his sleep expression. “You must be really tired...”

However, Jinyoung couldn’t simply lock the studio with someone inside. It was against the rules, and even if Yugyeom was too tired, he had to wake the boy up.

“Come on, Yugyeom-ssi” the writer called again, nudging the boy's arm. It was the same as before. Yugyeom reached for the spot and made a sour sound between his lips. Jinyoung looked at him confused. He hadn’t used that much force, it had been just a slight push. Thus, Jinyoung dared to take Yugyeom's hand from the place he was holding, because if the boy had injured himself in any way, it was the studio's responsibility to take care of him. “What the fuck is this... Yugyeom-ssi?” Park Jinyoung raised his voice, shaking him by the waist. “Yugyeom, wake up!”

“Jinyoung-ssi?” Kim Yugyeom had a hoarse voice when he woke up. He licked his dry lips and moaned with a strange sensation on his arm, sit up. “Why are you being so informal? Don’t call me by the name like that, we're not-”

“How did you get hurt like that?” Jinyoung stopped the boy, pulling his sleeve up. Yugyeom's weary eyes stared at Jinyoung as if he wanted to run. “You fell and we didn’t see it? What the fuck, why didn’t you tell the medical team? Look at the size of that bruise-and why do you look so scared Yugyeom-ssi?” the older man changed his words suddenly, looking very suspicious about something. “How did you get hurt?”

“I fell”.

“Where?”

Yugyeom parted his lips thoughtfully.

“Practicing a movement in a skating rink near my house”.

Park Jinyoung had survived enough years with his mother to know when someone was lying. He was accustomed to the expression people made when they lied, so even though Yugyeom was a good actor, he knew it wasn’t true.

He folded his arms.

“I didn’t let you stay in my movie to you treated me like a complete idiot Yugyeom-ssi. So you'd better start talking the truth...”

Yugyeom smirked, licking his lips as he averted his gaze:

“It's what happens between siblings when they have a fight, Jinyoung-ssi.” the boy explained impatiently. He hated talking about his private life. “We’re having a silly fight over a movie... a healthy fight between siblings before you think I freaked out again... and he accidentally hurt me. I didn’t see my sister's skateboard, I stepped on it and ended up falling in my mother’s table ornament, the fucking thins material was made of iron, so the bruise turned ugly”.

Jinyoung watches Yugyeom's expression behind a lie.

“Are we really going through it again?” the younger one laughed, but impatiently. “Do you want me to take you to my house so you can talk to my hyung? You never believe in me”.

Jinyoung could feel the tension growing between them as Yugyeom stood up, taking the backpack from the corner of the sofa. The writer couldn’t believe in everything he said, but he chose to ignore it and accept it for now, because it didn’t seem like an impossible thing to happen.

Even though he was an only child, he had enough cousins to know how things could get serious between men when there was an intense fight... and he was close friends with Mark, Jackson's boyfriend, he knew how someone could do things impulsively when they are upset.

“I'll believe you… for now.” Jinyoung replay. “Anyway. I have something for you”.

“Uhm?”

“Jackson has mentioned how much trouble you have with some thoughts exposed in the physical book.” the writer explains himself, opening the drawer. “I know it's complicated when to fits a book, because maybe the actor may not understand the real meaning behind a simple act, so I've separated something for you...” Jinyoung held out a black cover book for Yugyeom. The actor stared at him blankly, but picked up the book, then open it. “It's the original manuscript, without the editorship of my publisher”.

Jinyoung has giving Yugyeom the original manuscript of his book?

“It's a bit confusing because I hand wrote it and it has several notes around” the writer says, rubbing his eyebrow. “But maybe it can help you better understand what's going on in some scenes. You might as well ask me if I cannot connect with something, I don’t think it should be easy to understand fictional person minds... much being a straight guy”.

Kim Yugyeom looked up quickly. He did not know why, but he felt his stomach twist in because of that comment. Maybe because he had received a real kiss from another man a few hours ago and he was afraid someone would find out. Not because of that stupid mistake, but because Jaebeom could tell anyone if someone finds out and ask.

"Be careful with this, please".

“Oh. Yeah.” the boy nodded, closing the book before putting it in his backpack. “I'll be careful of it”.

“I hope so” Jinyoung sighed deeply. He was doing it just because Jackson had insisted that he needed to help Yugyeom for the sake of the movie. “Because this is worth a lot of money, and I do not want to lose money because of you, Yugyeom-ssi”.

Yugyeom parted his lips to make a smart joke but decided to avoid a fight when he heard Jinyoung complain about the hour. They closed the studio and went together, silently, to the garage. Sehun usually waited for Yugyeom until late.

“Do not read the manuscript today” Jinyoung says before getting into his car. “Tomorrow we have to rehearse some scenes from the skating rink, I need you to rest. And also, we have to rehearse the bed scene with Jaebeom... you've got a lot of things wrong with it”.

Yugyeom clenched his jaw.

 _Fuck. Bed scene._ He thought. It was the scene where Yohan and Woojin tried to sleep together for the first time. In other words, they would rehearse the sexual initiation of the two characters... after Jaebeom had actually kissed Yugyeom. _Fucking great_.

“What are you waiting for? Get in that car!”

“ _Ne_ …” Yugyeom nodded politely, wrapped up in his thoughts enough to ignore his own actions. He waves at Jinyoung, patting his backpack. “Thank you for the manuscript, director Park-nim. I'm going to try hard to understand your character”.

Park Jinyoung raised his eyebrows, surprised and confused by Kim Yugyeom's sudden outbreak of upbringing. He watched the boy get into the car and then disappear from the garage as if he had never been there.

Jinyoung put on his seatbelt and laughed to himself, unable to shake off the way Yugyeom had waved.

“A fucking angry two-year-old child...”

**\- ii -**

Park Jinyoung loved being with his friends.

He had grown up alone in a huge house in Jinhae-gu. In his childhood, he remembered that when his father was alive, things were even more difficult, but his mother didn’t let him have friends who weren’t part of his family. The men cousins were the only ones who could visit him at home, at school Jinyoung couldn’t interact well with others, because he always had the thought of that his mother would fight with him if she knew that her son had a friend who didn’t meet life expectations that she had.

Because of this, Jinyoung had learned to thank the few friends he had managed to do throughout his life after leaving his mother's house and living alone in another country.

He was happy to have good friends.

The man rolled his eyes, laughing at Jackson's jokes as they finished breakfast. They had started this routine for a few years when the Chinese stay with him and Heejin in New York, after Jinyoung’s first book, and at some point, they always took time to have breakfast together.

“... of course I remember that! Jinyoung blew water from his nose as the woman began to scream non-stopping.” their respective lovers also participated in the coffee among friends, because it was impossible not to make that a family moment when it came to Jackson. Jinyoung liked the comfort it caused. Mark, the Chinese boyfriend’s and a great model, laughed with all his teeth, unable to stop the tears in the corner of his eye as he remembered what Heejin was talking about. “It was hilarious!”

“Jeez, time passes, does not it?” Jackson laughed breathlessly, leaning back in his chair. “Looks like it was yesterday”.

“Yeah.” Heejin nodded, smiling with closed lips. She leaned toward Jinyoung's shoulder. “We had really quiet and fun times in the past”.

“Do you guys miss it?” Mark asked, finishing his juice. “I mean, the fact that we can get out on the street, go in public places without being bothered?”

“Oh, I can only talk about us” Jinyoung replays, pointing at him and Heejin. “I was just the mysterious writer of Sakura Publishing Company back then, so it was quiet for us, but I remember that you two always had attention wherever we go, it was unbearable”.

“It was unbearable because you were always jealous of their fame, dear.” Heejin laughed at his boyfriend, making the other two laugh together. “But okay, now you're as successful as both”.

“As successful as both?” Jinyoung projected his low lip. “I'm much more successful!”

“Already!” Mark Tuan shouted throwing the napkin at Jinyoung. They laughed again. “But it's serious... I miss being able to go out with you guys, to go to public places. Even if people knew us both, it was not something as strong as it is now, with Jinyoung being chased by thousands of fans...” the writer rolled his eyes, showing an amused expression to the American. “I wish I could have an afternoon in peace at a coffee shop with you three”.

“We can do this, love.” Jackson whispered to his boyfriend, putting his arm around the man's shoulders. “Just give us some time to end the film, you know we can always go to Jinhae-gu... right Jinyoung? It's always calmer for us there”.

Jinhae-gu. Despite the bad memories of his childhood, Jinyoung's homeland was quiet enough for them, since the men's mother was reserved enough to have a home away from the completely busy center. They had gone there a few times because Heejin's insistence — she didn’t really understand why Jinyoung was always mad when it came to his mother.

The writer sighed deeply but nodded.

“Yeah. We can always go to Jinhae-gu”.

**— ■ —**

He wakes up with a moan, breathed expressly when he realized what had just happened and patting his chest to calm his freaking heart.

Kim Yugyeom had just had another erotic dream with Lim Jaebeom. This time they were in the boy’s bed, curled up in the duvet, naked, and exchanging touches as they smiled at something Yugyeom could not understand now that he was awake.

However, they are in bed. Naked.

He wants to throw up.

The door opened, making the boy startle. His older brother was surprised because he thought the boy had overslept. Yujin entered the room without saying more than good morning to his brother and threw himself beside him.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked, lying on his stomach, Yugyeom swallowed his saliva and licked his dry lips, not knowing how to use his voice. “Oh. I heard you're going to get a new tattoo soon”.

“Dad cannot keep secrets from you, can he?” he asked quickly, panting. Yujin raised his head and frowned, asking what the problem was with his brother. “Nothing’s wrong.” Yugyeom coughed, clearing his throat. He grabbed the blanket to get up, but as he moved when he noticed something that made his heartache and his stomach twist even more. He had a fucking erection. “Shit”.

“Huh?” Yujin asked. “What's it?”

Yugyeom glanced quickly at his brother, who was for a second apart to put his arm around his waist and make the boy lie down, as when they were children and Yujin made Yugyeom as his pillow.

The younger one scrambled to his feet, ignoring his brother as he headed straight for the bathroom and locked the door. Yugyeom leaned against the wall, closing his eyes.

“It's a fucking morning boner...” he said to himself like a strong mantra. “It's just a morning erection, it has nothing to do with that dream Jaebeom hyung... it has nothing, just a morning erection. Yeah. Just that”.

A moment later, when he was calmer and had been able to bathe without feeling embarrassed by his body involuntary actions, Yugyeom left the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Yujin was still lying on his bed.

Yugyeom bites the corner of his mouth, remembering all the times his brother insisted that he could trust his secrets without worrying about her mother finding out through one of his siblings. He tossed the towel that was brushing his hair over the armchair:

“Hyung?”

“Yeah?” Yujin asked biting his lip, concentrating on his game.

Yugyeom sighed deeply.

What should he ask Yujin? If it was wrong to have erotic dreams with another man who he had just meet after twenty-two years having erotic dreams with women? He knew it was wrong. There was no need to ask the obvious.

“Do you think it's weird that I'm doing a gay-themed movie?”

“Why would I think that weird?”

“I don’t know.” Yugyeom felt his skin warm. “There are times I think it's weird... like when I have to make physical contact or say sweet things to Jaebeom hyung or to Jungkook. It makes me uncomfortable”.

Yujin hung up his phone and sat down.

“Why?” he asked. “You're an actor, right? Why does it make you uncomfortable doing something you've been doing all your life?”

“Because is he a guy?”

“Does your co-star's genre change the status of your profession now? How?”

Yugyeom had never thought of that form. How could making a gay film change the professionalism that he gained over the years in front of a camera? The boy had already been in movies worse than that.

“It's a love story from what I read.” Yujin had been convinced by Yuri to read the book and had finished it a few weeks. Now he would not stop tormenting about the set movie. “It's not like it's a bad thing to do, is it? Talking about love is always important, and I think you were very similar to do with the main character... I mean, with his story, you know?”

“Ah... what part?” Yugyeom asked sneering. “The fact that he’s-”

“His family. His family reminds me of ours.” Yujin replied earnestly, examining his brother's relief expression. He was a good older brother. The kind who beat up bullies at school to protect Yugyeom, or who threatened to punch someone’s face if they trying to date Yuri for a heartbreak. “The difference is that both Yohan's parents make his life hell, for you, it's just mama”.

“She's worth for ten”.

“Yeah!” Yujin laughed, shaking his head. “Anyway, I don’t think it's strange that you're in that movie... at first I didn’t get it, why would you associate with that kind of image all of a sudden to annoy mom?” the older man ask making Yugyeom nod, but he laughed. “You really did associate yourself with this movie because you were convinced by the similarity between your life and the book… do you think I didn’t see you talking to Yuri about how Yohan reminded you of your childhood? Mom makes you work your ass out to give that life to us”.

“Hyung...” Yugyeom knew how much his brother felt for the life the boy had taken. Maybe Yuri didn’t remember as much as Yujin, but Yugyeom hadn’t had a good childhood like the documentaries and videos about him showed. “You do not think it's your fault anymore, do you?”

“Sometimes. Yeah.” it was impossible to lie about that. “But I think it's normal, it's like an older brother's duty to feel guilty that you've had to work so hard to keep our lives. I know it wasn’t our choice back then, but mom decided for us and I could never say anything about it because she is our mother and always knew better...” Yujin sighed, showing a sad smile to Yugyeom. “But I'm proud now that you've made the decision to have ended her contract”.

“Yuri thinks I'm crazy for doing it, fire mom”.

“Yuri was too young to understand everything that led you to this decision. Push mom away from your career was right, even if she continues to try to influence your life in other ways, now you're an adult and you can make your own decisions and I think the only mistake you made was to have stayed in hiatus for a year...” he remembers. “That makes people understood this as a rebellious act and you know it wasn’t good for your image, but the important thing is that now you decided to come back and you’re doing different things with your professional life”.

Yugyeom tried to hide the smile from the corner of his mouth because he hated making Yujin inflate his ego even more by knowing that he was the best brother anyone could ever dream.

He nodded, pleased that his brother trusted him enough to make his own choices.

“So you're not going to be embarrassed when people started talking about your brother kissing another guy, are you?”

“Of course not!” Kim Yujin laughed. “I'll tell them how much my brother is a professional and can do well in any kind of job”.

Yugyeom laughed, rolling his eyes.

When the two of them stopped laughing, Yujin looked at the hour and told Yugyeom to get dressed because the boy would be late.

“Hyung...” the boy called. “Ah... sometimes you already... uh... at some point in your life, have you ever wondered if…”

“Huh? Wondered what?”

“Ah. Oh...” Yugyeom bites his lip. “Ah, did you ever wonder if... if it wasn’t for mama…”

“What if it wasn’t for mama?”

Yugyeom couldn’t ask that.

He couldn’t just ask if his brother had ever thought about his sexuality. He couldn’t. He doesn’t want too.

“Nothing.” the boy smiled as he ran his a hand through his gray hair. “Never mind. I need to dressed. I’m late”.

**\- iii -**

“Why are you still here?” Kim Yugyeom heard someone ask behind him. He turned his head over the shoulder, watching Park Jinyoung a few away from where he was. “It's past two o'clock in the morning”.

The youngest didn’t realize that he had stayed so long in the ring after the conclusion of that rehearsal day.

“I'm going now”.

Jinyoung nodded, stuffing his things into his backpack.

When he raised his head again, he found Kim Yugyeom changing his t-shirt in front of him. He squeezes his lips.

“I didn’t know that this scar was real.” Yugyeom finished dressing, turned to the older man, who gestured at his back. The boy touched the place, his lips parted. Yugyeom always forgets about that scar. “I thought it was a fake effect… for your role in Gumiho?”

“You watch this?”

“Heejin made me watch”.

Yugyeom nodded again, turning around to grab his backpack.

He put on a hood.

“I hurt myself when I was younger” he finally replied, knowing Jinyoung was probably waiting to hear some funny story about one of his sets. “And thank Heejin noona for being so good to me. She seems to have seen all my dramas”.

“Yeah, she saw...” Park Jinyoung said indifferently, folding his arms. He wanted to have talked to Yugyeom earlier about the incident in the last scene they had gone through. The older man had shown how he wanted Jungkook to do his scene with Yugyeom, and had pushed the boy too hard. “Yugyeom-ssi, about earlier I-”

Yugyeom's phone rang in his pocket, making Jinyoung take a deep breath as he ignored his attempt at redemption, watching the boy answered the call with an annoyed expression on his face. He stood still, listening to Yugyeom whisper his responses in a rude and cold, yet visibly annoying way.

When the boy ended the call, he seemed very upset about what he had just heard. Jinyoung watched him put on his shoes.

“Are you all right?”

“And since when do you care?”

Jinyoung nodded with a smile at the corner of his mouth. He really did not care about Yugyeom, but he was feeling guilty for having pushed the boy that way after seeing him bang his back on the chair.

“Okay, I'm sorry for asking”.

“Whatever.” Yugyeom grunted, walking past the door, leaving Jinyoung behind. He had dismissed Sehun for the rest of the night because he had no plans to return home after the madness his mother had decided to do publicly. He stopped by the security booth, a quiet smile on his face. “Hi, sir. Can you call a cab for me?”

“Yes. Of course”.

“Oh. Thank you. I’ll wait for it the parking. Have a good night…”

He stretched the sleeves of his jacket up to his elbows and leaned against the wall, picking up his phone to check what people were saying about what his mother had posted that night about him.

 **@koreaboo** actor Kim Yugyeom mother tells everyone that her son his dating Management AND actress Kim Da-mi!

 **@yugluver** WHAT THE FUCKING? DAMI? SHE IS NOT KIND OF THREE FUCKING YEARS OLDER THAN HIM?

 **@wtfgyeom** can anyone deny this? I doubt his mother actually made that statement! This is so stupid, delete it _@koreaboo_

 **@istan1king** Kim Yugyeom? Dating? You can only be playing with me _@koreaboo_ that's not possible! He doesn’t even have time to show up at events, how would he have time to date someone?

 _Fuck_. The boy whisper to himself.

 **@yourfIeur_gyeom** did you see this _@brazillovesyug?_ I told you he looked strange these last times, I knew it had to do with a girl!

 **@brazillovesyug** sweet _@yourfleur_gyeom_ this is stupidity... just because he was on hiatus it means he is dating? Don’t be silly, his mother profile could be hacked girl

 **@hannloveskyg** exactly _@brazillovesyou_ , he being away from his dramas activities isn’t proof of anything, and his mother may actually have really had her profile invaded by someone _@yourfleur_gyeom_ , let's wait for the company before making speculations, pls!

Yugyeom took a deep breath, rolling his message screen. The fans were freaking out. When that madness began, he had not understood why he was getting so many messages, he was in the middle of a rehearsal when his friends, Sehun, and some company staff began to question him about the truth of that message.

For some inexplicable reason, mrs. Kang had gone to her Instagram profile, where she used to post personal photos, to tell everyone that Yugyeom was dating Kim Dami.

Kim Dami and Yugyeom met in a drama. They aren’t close and they didn’t do anything together, but Bo-Young uses her to say that Yugyeom was dating someone.

He bites the corner of his mouth and opened his mother's chat, sending another message about it to her:

 **me at 3:45 am  
** Are you really going to let this madness continue?

I'm getting a message from everyone  
asking me if it's true mama!

 **at 3:46 am**  
and even if I say no, they do not believe because it was you who published that shit...  
can you please deny that madness?

 **mama at 3:53 am  
** Not until you decide to leave  
this disgusting movie!

 **at 3:54 am  
** I did it to protect you Yugyeom!

 **at 3:55 am**  
think a little sweet...  
if someone sees you next to one of those  
people involved in that devil's movie,  
you might be asked about various things...

 **mama at 3:59**  
I cannot let that happen, you having a  
girlfriend is the best trick to bust  
any kind of nasty comment

 **at 4:01 am  
** but of course you have the option  
of leaving the movie...

 **at 4:02 am**  
so I can refute what I said  
about you dating Da-mi

He kicked the air, impatient with his mother's nonsense.

Yugyeom was typing an angry message when a car pulled up in front of him. The actor, who was already angry enough, cursed the driver before he saw the glass sinking slowly:

“Why didn’t you go home yet?”

“I'm waiting for a cab…” Yugyeom says to Jinyoung, approaching the men's car. “Is there a problem with that too? Are you going to be bossy and say that I cannot stay in your studio?”

“The studio is not mine.” Jinyoung replied impatiently. He turned around and Yugyeom did the same, stop only for hear him. “Are you going home from here?” the question sounded confused, almost as if he were chastising himself between words for committing some kind of blasphemy. Yugyeom frowned. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Something to drink?” Yugyeom asked, confused. “What? Drinking with you?” Jinyoung licked his lips, nodded against his own will. “Why?”

“My girlfriend is on a 24-hour shift today, I have no one to keep me company because Jackson is probably sleeping with his boyfriend at this time... and drinking alone on a Friday seems depressing to me”.

Kim Yugyeom analyzed the older man's words for a minute. Jinyoung and he didn’t have a good relationship. The writer, for a reason the actor didn’t know, didn’t like the boy and treated him like shit.

There were no plausible reasons to why he was inviting Yugyeom to have a drink. As the boy prepared to reply, they go blind by the cab’s headlights. The boy swallowed and looked at Jinyoung, then at the car that had been called to him. He sighed deeply.

Anything was better than wandering alone through Seoul.

“I'm sorry, sir” Yugyeom said taking some notes from his wallet to the driver. “I will not need a cab anymore, but here is the payment for the inconvenience. I'm sorry I made you come here”.

When he got into Park Jinyoung's car with an ugly grimace, he wondered if that was even a good choice.

“Where do you want to go?”

He would probably regret doing that.

“How about we go to a bar out of the city?” Yugyeom asked, closing his seatbelt around him. “I think it will make your Friday less depressing”.

**— ■ —**

Jinyoung hid his smile with his hand, shifting his shoulders up and down with the sense of laughter echoing in his throat, catching some people's attention in the establishment.

“I’m serious here!” Yugyeom says again, breathlessly, wiping the corners of his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. “He literally fell and broke his tooth”.

“How did he do it?” Jinyoung asks, laughing hard, imagining the scene. “And what happened next?”

“Dude, no one could understand. I swear the blow wasn’t that strong, but his tooth broke in the middle!” the boy laughed, referring to the fact that his older brother had lost half of his tooth in a fall that had never really been cleared. “It was very funny, and the worst of it was that mom left him with a broken tooth for six months”.

“What?” Jinyoung shouted. “Why she did it?”

“I do not know!” Kim Yugyeom shrugged, laughing before asking for another glass of beer. He and Park Jinyoung were in the fourth round of drinks, both were already talking informally to each other. Yugyeom had even begun to talk about his brother and his childhood filled with humiliating moments. “I just know it was really funny, everyone at school started to bullying him and not me, it was the best six months of my life”.

“I bet it was.” Jinyoung chuckled, holding his breath as he leaned back against the couch and swallowed. He still had a half-smile on his face, because it was impossible not to be amused by all that as he looked at Yugyeom. “And what about you, what the funny stories that surround you?”

“I do not have anything”.

“No?”

Yugyeom blinked in disbelief, denying it.

“I doubt it…”

He had even had some good times, but they were few compared to the bad times he had faced throughout his life.

The urge to laugh died quickly.

“My siblings' lives were more fun than mine” he whispered more to himself than to Jinyoung. The boy was drunk. “I mean... how could I have experienced something when I was too busy rehearsing for a new drama?” Yugyeom questioned with an annoying smile on his face. Few people knew about the existence of that sad and lonely side of him, about the fact that he just uses masks throughout his life. He had never lived from his own, the boy was always a new character every year. “My mother never let me have a normal life, so I've never had these things”.

“Why that?”

“Why do you think?” he asked with a sad laugh. “I needed to earn fame, be recognized, and to do well what I was asked to do. When you have to work hard, there is no space to be a kid, so I just lived through my big brother... then my sister was born and I could no longer live through him because he was always with her”.

Park Jinyoung was one of the people who had never been introduced to that side of Kim Yugyeom. This was the first time he'd seen him with such pious eyes. The boy in front of him seemed a less arrogant, more humane, this is a sad version of him.

“I understand”.

“No. You don’t”.

“Yeah, I do.” Jinyoung says again, making Yugyeom look at him for real. The two of them kept eye contact all the time as if they needed to check whether they were even being sincere despite all the alcohol in their systems. “I should be a lawyer like my dad. They have a firm in Jinhae-gu and I should take over after UNI... but why should I do something I didn’t want to do after all the years I was forced to follow just their goals?”

Yugyeom gave a small laugh as if he had remembered something he had asked himself in the past. Why should he continue acting just because his mother said he should?

Jinyoung turned the glass of beer, making a grotesque sound and grimace before say, drunk:

“When I said I wouldn’t do it, mom tried to persuade me with my family inheritance. They took everything from me.” Jinyoung grinned sheepishly, rubbing his hand over his nose. “My mother started to tell all her friends that her son had died... and my father stopped talking to me because I decided that I wanted to be a writer. 'Studying literature is a thing of poor people, weak people' was what he told me... that I was a weak person.” Park Jinyoung sighed deeply, licking his lips. “Sometimes later, he dies. Why do parents have to be like this Yugyeom-ah? Huh? Why?”

Why? Why had Yugyeom's father divorced and left his kids with that crazy woman? Why had Yugyeom had a depressing life while his sister Yerim could live one dream after another?

Why had he been told that it was impossible to be happy, that he needed to make more and more money to support his family?

Why was he feeling like crying?

Kim Yugyeom moved his face to the side, hiding in the shallow shadow that covered a corner of the table where they were... he was so exhausted that he couldn’t stop a tear before it rolled down his cheek.

He hated his own life. He knew that before he even became the ‘Korea bad boy’, when he was still too young and his mother had beaten him up so badly just because he had dirty his tie in the middle of an important event for her. It was a damn cake dirty in his tie, but mrs. Kang had left a mark significant enough that Yugyeom would come to understand that the life he had was miserable and did not want it.

“Yugyeom-ssi?”

“Let's stop talking about the past…” Yugyeom whispered, coughing to hide the fact that his throat was sensitive by the force he was doing to not to cry in front of Park Jinyoung. He didn’t want to think about those things anymore. The boy moved his body out of the shadow again, smiling with his red eyes. He wanted to forget, that he had lost his father and had been left with a crazy woman. That his siblings were tied in his existence because their mother would never allow them to have a life other than the life of the ‘actor Kim Yugyeom’s siblings’. He wanted to forget all that now. “Let's not talk about the past anymore Jinyoung-ssi”.


	8. i suppose it does…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, I'll think of some way to give you a chance to talk to him alone” Jackson said last, stubborn. He would give up only when he heard from Yugyeom's mouth that it was all his imagination. “Until then, try to look and see if something unusual is happening”.
> 
> “Something unusual?” Jinyoung frowned. “Like what?”
> 
> Jackson glanced over Jinyoung's shoulder, toward Yugyeom. The boy was sitting on the floor next to Jaebeom, Jungkook, and Joy, he was laughing as if that was the best moment of his entire existence.
> 
> “Like him stop smiling…” Jackson said looking back directly at Jinyoung, into his eyes. “If he stops smiling, something is not right”.

**\- i -**

Jackson Wang had become famous after directing an American film that gained three trophies in an important prize in Los Angeles. He then became known as the younger Chinese director of the generation to win a title and enter the list of best directors of Korea before 30 years.

He had a long career and always sought projects that would make him even better known so that whenever the opportunity arose to create a new world different from what everyone was accustomed to seeing, he was interested in it. It was like that when one of his longtime friends, Park Jinyoung, called if he had heard the news, that his book was being adapted for the movies and that they wanted him as a director.

Jackson loved Jinyoung's books, but that was not why he decided to accept his friend's invitation, but because he knew, the film had known that his name would be mentioned for a long time because it was the type of content that made people bubble with angry or cheer everyone forever as revolutionaries.

The Chinese wanted to be in both situations, wanted to be seen with anger by those who didn’t understand, and wanted to be called a revolutionary, so he accepted without thinking twice.

“He's really good...” Mark says again, pausing Yugyeom’s video that Jackson had shown of him skating. “How is this ability not something public by now? I bet he would have made a lot of money on several skating movies”.

“More money than he already has?” Jackson frowned, tossing the wet towel over the bed. “He doesn’t need any more money, maybe that's why he didn’t say anything in public about this”.

“Or maybe the rumors are real”.

“What rumors?”

“You do not know?” Mark stared at his boyfriend, surprised that he was the one who had more friends and who always knew about the rumors that were circulating among the celebrities don’t know about one of his actors. “Some people say that his mother abuses him... psychologically”.

“Who said that?”

“Everyone.” Mark answered, obviously sitting on the bed and crossing his legs. “I have this friend, Chanyeol, he's from another company and did some roles in some dramas with Yugyeom-ssi, and from what he told me to have seen that the boy’s mother always hit him. He always shows up with purple spots in his skins”.

Jackson thought for a moment. Jinyoung had mentioned a purple spot on the boy's arm, but he had said that Yugyeom had fallen after a fight with his older brother.

“Anyway... I don’t know if it's true.” Mark shrugged. “You know how people are, they love to make things up and Chanyeol may have seen it wrong” the American say, turning back to the notebook screen. “After all, his mother was always kind”.

Kind wasn’t the word in Jackson's mind as he remembered his brief moment with mrs. Kang. The woman had been really rude to him when she discovered that Jackson was directing a homosexual movie.

However, he could not simply listen to that rumor just because a friend of his boyfriend said he saw something strange about Yugyeom and his mother. He shook his thoughts away from his head and sat on the bed, passing lotion over his arms.

“Can you put the ice skating scene for me again?” Jackson asks her boyfriend without actually looking at him. He was trying not to think about what to do because he would get in the wrong place. “I want to distract my mind”.

**\- c -**

Jackson and Jinyoung had just left a business meeting with the producer of the film, who wanted them to start doing the photo essays with the main actors, so they could start building some outdoor, banners and advertising photos for the annunciation of the final cast.

As the rehearsal was already in the last week and the locations were set, they would start filming over the weekend and the directors had two weeks from there to sit down with the marketing and publicity team. In other words, Jackson and Jinyoung needed to come to the best agreement to see how the audience would come out with the news that Kim Yugyeom was the main character in his film alongside Lim Jaebeom.

“Knowing Yugyeom has a legion of fans, who are in the 16-28 age group, what do you guys think is the best way to come with the news that he is related to a gay movie?”

“Okay. Having this face in mind, we thought we can do it on some TV show.” Jackson looks at Gook Yoseob, the marketing team leader while Jinyoung opened the folder that Bang Jungah from the JK Company publicity team gave to him. “We think that because it's a young adult movie, so we can make things lighter by taking the main cast to a fun show...”

“Like Men on a Mission”.

“Yeah. Like Men on a Mission.” Gook Yoseob nods to Jackson, who looks at Jinyoung because he says that they can send the cast for that program and the writer does not like the idea. “Some TV shows are the best for young people, the show as a good platform to show the movie main cast… we had thought about Men on a Mission”.

Jackson gave Jinyoung a sarcastic expression because the younger one couldn’t believe in that idea too much. How would they get the cast into a variety show without having recorded anything about the movie to show?

“The fact that you don’t have nothing recorded is not a problem, for now, you know” Yoseob answered Jinyoung's question. “We can think of strategies to make their presence worthwhile. It's a program that everyone watches no matter how old they are, and a lot of people have been more open when some themes are covered in these variety programs.” the man explained. “We can ask them to brought mrs. Kim at some point in the show so we can make everything more mysterious”.

Jackson likes the idea.

That was a good idea.

Sana had come up with the possibility of only issuing a note through Yugyeom company, but making something public in that different way as interesting since the film was new time from some actors.

“I find it interesting” Jackson Wang nodded, happy. “When do you want to start with the promotions?”

“The idea is that we start shooting the pictures two weeks after the movie star shooting, so we need to see the movie schedule, and then we can go to the shows and do everything”.

After talking for a little long, Jackson and Jinyoung organized the entire JY Art Company fan-meeting event for Bloodsport. Then they went to check out some clothing stores because Sana had said that they were going to need to replace some broken pieces, and Jinyoung simply loved getting involved in everything that concerned his film.

“Don’t you think this is like something that Yohan could like to use, Sseunie?” Jinyoung asked, showing a white-handed shirt to the Chinese, who nodded and kept looking for something on the shelves. “Why do you look distant today hyung?”

“What?”

“Distant.” Jinyoung says again without looking at his friend, taking a bracelet that for him looks like Nam Se-Young could use in the middle of the book when she began to like Lee Min-Seo. “Did something happen?”

“I always look like that when I am about to start shooting a new movie. Don’t worry.” Jackson sighed, but that was not everything. He was still thinking about what Mark had said. “Can I ask you something?”

“Huh. Go ahead”.

“You remember that you told me that Yugyeom had a purple bruise on his arm some time ago?” Jinyoung nodded, putting the bracelet in his basket. “Did you see anything else?”

Jinyoung thought for a moment.

“Ah… he has a scar on his back?” the Korean say as if it were a question. “Did you watch the drama in which he was a nine-fox?” the Chinese nodded. “The scar on my back is true, I saw it.” Jinyoung said going to the other side of the hall. “Why? Is there a problem with him?”

“Not about the movie, but Mark told me something.” Jackson gritted his teeth impatiently. He had said he would not get into the younger's life because he doesn’t care if it doesn’t mess with his movie, but he just can’t stop thinking about him. “That his mother abuses him psychologically”.

“I would not be surprised.” Jinyoung laughed. “That kid has serious mommy issues... she's bossy and he's stubborn, they probably should fight all the time”.

“Not in that sense, Jinyoung-ah!” Jackson grunted. “Mark says that the woman actually abused him psychologically and that once a friend of him even saw Yugyeom being beaten”.

“So?”

“She hits him!”

Jinyoung turned to Jackson.

“She is his mom, Jackson. This is not that serious. Maybe they fight, he says something to her and she hit him. Just that”.

“For real?” Jackson sniff. “I don’t think so…”

“Sseunie, why you care?”

“I don’t care…” Jackson looks away. “It’s just… I don’t know! This doesn’t the same right. Why she hit him? And why Mark’s friend says that the woman abuses him? He made it look so serious to me”.

Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

“Sseunie, he's twenty-two...” the man had a confused expression on his face. “He can deal with his life. Did she hurt him? Maybe yes, but he can deal with her. Stop thinking about this for God’s sake”.

“Jinyoung-ah, are you really talk about this in that way?”

“Hyung…”

“Your mother beat the hell on you until another day!” Jackson remembers him, referring to the time when Jinyoung still lived with his mother. “If you hadn’t run away to New York, I'm sure she'd still give you a couple of slaps”.

“Just because my mother is crazy.” Jinyoung whispered, turning to the shelves, behind some more accessories. “I don’t know Yugyeom-ssi's mother, but I doubt she gets close to the madness that mom does to me, so it's different situations”.

“Not really.” Jackson had met mrs. Kang. “That woman is a snake, dude. When we met she was excited, treated me well and smiled... when she earing me saying that I was directing a gay movie, she showed her claws to me. I'm sure Mark's hyung friend might be right about him being spanked by her”.

Park Jinyoung kept his eyes on a ring that was catching his attention. He didn’t know what Jackson meant by telling it to him, it was not as if Jinyoung could do anything about it. He could give an opinion and try to resolve when the matter was about the film, whatever the other kind of problem, he could not do anything about it.

So he did not understand what his friend intended with that silly conversation. If Yugyeom's mother wasn’t a problem for the film, he did not care about what she did inside her house.

“Let's finish shopping hyung, Eujin is probably mad with Sana at this point...”

“Jinyoung-ah” Jackson sighed. “I want you to talk to him”.

Jinyoung looks at him.

“Why should I do this?”

“You're the writer and main interest in the success of this film, so I need you to talk to him about this”.

“I still do not see the connections.” Jinyoung snapped. “You're close to him, you tell him, I don’t even like the boy, so do you something and leave me out of it”.

Jackson watched him walk to the cash register to pay for the things he had picked up. He knew before even saying that Jinyoung would refuse to talk to Yugyeom, he tired because his friend was something more docile when it came to advice and the Chinese didn’t want to end up spoiling the whole situation with the younger.

“I want you to talk to him”.

“Sseun-ah, I'm not going to talk to him. I'm a writer not a fucking psychologist for God’s sake. Stop talking about this!”

Jackson held Jinyoung by the arm.

“Jinyoung-ah, I am being serious with you for the first time in years for friendship.” Jackson Wang didn’t usually treat Park Jinyoung rudely or authoritatively, but he would do if necessary. “You know why I'm asking you this, it's not just about being the book writer in that situation, it's about having a bigger connection with that subject.” Jackson Wang knew Park Jinyoung a few years ago when Jinyoung was just a kid going through problems and Jackson was confused in life. “You know how situations like this can affect a person and it may seem like he does not need help, but you did not look either and see what you need to do to get rid of your mother in the past”.

Jinyoung opened his mouth to fight back, he didn’t want to talk to someone he did not like, but he could understand why Jackson had asked him to do it.

The boy snapped his tongue and took his friend's hand from his arm, turning away with a long sigh as he set the cashier on the clerk.

“I'll talk to him but...” Jinyoung turned to Jackson. “If he says that nothing is happening, I will not insist”.

Jackson nodded.

“As long as you at least try.” he said more reluctantly. “I really need to know if he's really safe”.

**\- ii -**

“Can we redo that angle?” Jackson asked mad. “I don’t like how it looks now, if it stays that way when it comes to shooting the final footage we're going to have problems.” the man says to Doyun. “Can you do something? I do not want that angle, _ahjusshi_ ”.

“I'll go see that the boys could do to make it work”.

“Thank you.” the Chinese sighed, giving a few minutes for rest to the supporting actors. Then he made some notes in his script and headed toward the rehearsal room where the main cast was passing some lines between them. He glanced around the room, finding Jinyoung in a corner, near the mirrors. “Jinyoung-ah? Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Jinyoung nodded, asking them to continue what they were doing and went to his friend.

“What hyung?”

“Did you talk with him?”

Jinyoung snorted.

“It's been three days!” Jackson complained to his friend. “Why did not you talk to him?”

“How will I talk if I only see him in rehearsals days?” Jinyoung asked impatiently, rubbing his eyebrows. “When he isn’t rehearsing, he is with Jaebeom”.

“Jaebeom?” Jackson grimaced. He turned to Jinyoung, his eyebrows hanging. “Are they still acting like they have something?”

Jinyoung thought for a moment. He nodded firmly.

“It's hard to get them away from each other now.” he explained, folding his arms. “And if what Mark said is true, I doubt that Yugyeom-ssi will like if I approach him near Jaebeom, it's not something that you let a crush find out that way”.

Jackson sighed deeply, rubbing the back of his neck.

He was really impatient. He had talked to Mark the night before about what his friend Chanyeol had seen happen to Yugyeom, and the more his boyfriend spoke, the more Jackson felt that something was happening to the boy.

“Maybe we should talk to Jaebeom first?” Jackson suggested to Jinyoung. “If they're having something, maybe he’s close enough to get something from him”.

“Or maybe we'll ruin everything to them.” Jinyoung says back, sarcastically. “We're not sure if it's something romantic. They can just be good friends... and I repeat myself, it's not something Yugyeom-ssi would want to let Jaebeom find out that way”.

Jackson bites his cheeks.

Maybe he should just listen to Jinyoung and forget about everything. Maybe it really wasn’t happening at all and he was projecting everything that had happened to Jinyoung in the past in Yugyeom.

“Okay, I'll think of some way to give you a chance to talk to him alone” Jackson said last, stubborn. He would give up only when he heard from Yugyeom's mouth that it was all his imagination. “Until then, try to look and see if something unusual is happening”.

“Something unusual?” Jinyoung frowned. “Like what?”

Jackson glanced over Jinyoung's shoulder, toward Yugyeom. The boy was sitting on the floor next to Jaebeom, Jungkook, and Joy, he was laughing as if that was the best moment of his entire existence.

“Like him stop smiling…” Jackson said looking back directly at Jinyoung, into his eyes. “If he stops smiling, something is not right”.


	9. i can teach you everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You think you like him?” Yujin said the obvious, causing his brother to throw himself on the bed and put the pillow over his face, where he screamed angrily. He couldn’t even be liking a guy after twenty-two years like only girls, could he? “I cannot tell you whether or not you like it, because it's something that only you can find out but I can say, as someone who knows you very well, that you are visibly shaken by everything that happened...”
> 
> “Huh”.

**\- i -**

Kim Yugyeom used to be recognized by his iconic characters, such as kings and professional assassins or as romantic boys. It was like that for many years while his mother handled his career because the woman was good enough in that branch to make only proposals that showed her son as the actor of the century lay on the boy's lap.

Things changed only when Yugyeom became a grown man and decided to file a petition to remove the woman from the company that was promoting his career.

It had been something public. Everyone knew that Yugyeom almost left his company because the CEO did not think it prudent to remove the woman who helped them in the boy's career. But everyone knew that the market was going through a crisis and the company was being hampered by some bureaucratic problems, so Yugyeom managed to convince everyone. Sehun, to whom the boy had entrusted his life, had been relocated from another company only to take care of Yugyeom's career in place of his mother, Bo-Young, and things had been different ever since.

Now Yugyeom doesn’t have a perfect and good boy reputation, he had gone to the public, in an event that his mother loved, to say that he was withdrawing from his career for an indeterminate time and when someone asked him why and how it would affect his fans, the boy laughed and said that his private life was nobody's business... and that the fans could go to hell if they didn’t understand that.

Park Jinyoung knew that story like everyone, yet after having spent whole dawn laughing with the actor he hated so much, he was curious to understand what had brought the boy to make all that change.

“I just find it intriguing...” he replays to Heejin, who had to say how Jinyoung seemed to be ignoring the fact that they had discovered that Yugyeom had a medical record attesting to him as having an intermittent explosive disorder. “Jackson thinks there's something we don’t know about him… about his mother and know I can’t stop thinking about that damn night. You didn’t see how that boy looked melancholic talking about his childhood, Heejin-ah.” Jinyoung explained to his girlfriend. “He thinks I didn’t realize it, but he cried, baby”.

“He's an actor, Jinyoung.” Heejin adored Yugyeom, but she was too rational to not to use the part of her brain that was a medicine studied. She didn’t trust sick people. “What he most knows is how to cry, so stop being so naïve for God’s sake”.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

He wasn’t being naive, he knew that Yugyeom was a good actor and could fake how many tears he wanted, but he also knew there was no reason for the boy to do that in front of Jinyoung and Mark’s friend as sure that his mother messes with his mind.

“Just stop searching about him…” Heejin says catching her boyfriend's attention, taking the key from her car. “I'm starting to get jealous”.

**— ■ —**

“Do we really have to rehearse this scene?” Yugyeom asked approaching the set of Woojin's bedroom, where they were to do his first intimate scene with Jaebeom in a few weeks. “Doyun _ahjusshi_ said that he needed to change the camera angles in the 52º skating rink scene and we haven’t gone through it yet”.

“What's your problem with this scene?” Jackson asked, walking quickly through the studio, being followed by Yugyeom. “Are you getting annoyed with something about the movie?” the Chinese suddenly asked, stopping walking. He turned to Yugyeom. “I know it's not the kind of movie you usually do, the subject matter is far from your reality... but you said you could deal with anything. Are you changing your mind?”

Yugyeom denied, rolling his eyes.

He wasn’t changing his mind about making the film, he would not be an idiot to the point of making that mistake after insisting so much. But he could not just say that he was afraid to act next to Jaebeom after the kiss scene... that was not just a scene. He shrugged.

“There's no reason to be intimidated, Jinyoung and I will be there to guide you, Sana can also help...” Jackson says with a deep sigh. “You do not have to worry Yugyeom”.

He knew he didn’t need to worry about anything. Jackson played a very important role when it came to helping him with some doubts... because that world belonged to Chinese more than Yugyeom, so whenever he had a question about an action or a specific comment of the gay community, he recalls the director who was always willing to help him understand.

That wasn’t the problem.

The problem was Jaebeom.

They hadn’t talked to each other since the day the elder had questioned whether Yugyeom was ignoring him since then the youngest did everything in order not to create circumstances that could lead their conversation in that direction.

Now, however, he would have to pass on a really strong scene with Jaebeom without having talked and clarified things, without Yugyeom having apologized for acting like a child, and without Jaebeom explaining why he had kissed the boy or worse because he had found it right to flirt with him.

“Are everyone ready?” Yugyeom sighed as he heard Jinyoung ask before sitting next to Jackson. The rest of the cast was sitting on the floor, facing the set. The Bloodsport cast had really become like a big family, they always took care of each other, exchanged messages, and talked as if they knew each other for years. Even the older actors participated in the wheels of conversation they had before they started the day or when they stopped to eat. A big and funny family. “Let's start”.

Bambam pushed Yugyeom as he rose from the couch, making the boy go to the bedroom set while he sat next to Youngjae and Jungkook.

“Does not he look nervous today to you?” Joy asked the boys, watching Jungkook nod. “Has something happened, Bam?”

“How could I know?”

“Do not you live saying you're his best friends?” Youngjae said raising his eyebrows. “You should know”.

But Bambam didn’t know.

He didn’t know because Yugyeom had stopped telling him things after the Thai had caught the Korean having an erotic dream with some face he did not know. He just doesn’t know about anything anymore.

“I have no idea.” Bambam admitted, opening the candy bag before Jackson gave the signal for everyone to remain silent. Joy looked doubtful, but leave it after Bambam had repeated more firmly that he had no idea about what happened. “But whatever it is, it's good for him to start being professional because even I can smell his fear here and Jinyoung will freak out if he messes up this scene...”

It was as Bambam said, Jinyoung freak out because Jackson had to repeat the scene more than five times with them. The writer took off his glasses, as he did whenever he was angry:

“What's the problem?”

“I don’t know.” Jaebeom whispered, sitting on his knees. He looked at Yugyeom as he wants to say something about the boy, but he just shrugged. “I think all those eyes are messing up the scene”.

It wasn’t a good excuse. They always rehearsed with everyone looking and they had never frozen on like that. Jackson laughed:

“You got to be kidding me.” the director said impatiently, getting up. He put the script under his arm. “We always go through the scenes with everyone on set, and now you're going to tell me that it's a problem for both of you? What's really going on?”

“Nothing is going on hyung.” Yugyeom repeated Jaebeom’s words with a sigh. “And we know there's always an audience, but today is a little different for us...” the boy said putting on his t-shirt. “Cannot we rehearse that other day?”

“No!” it was Jinyoung who screamed, making all the other actors squeeze their lips or look away because he would probably give Yugyeom a scold. “We're going to rehearse that. You've been making excuses for days, we don’t have time, these things should be all done now.” the older man sighed irritably, rubbing his eyes. “Jackson, ask for a 5 minutes pause for water. I'll talk to Yugyeom alone”.

Kim Yugyeom parted his lips ready to reply, but Jaebeom nudged him saying that it was best if he only followed the writer's orders, for the good of all. The younger boy got out of bed, walking slowly to where Jinyoung was sitting, away from the other actors.

Bambam turned to watch them from far away, Joy and Youngjae did the same and Jungkook got up to speak to Jaebeom.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry for mess with the scene”.

Jinyoung looks at him. He could ask about Jackson want to know, about Yugyeom’s mother and the way the woman probably treats him, but he doesn’t think the boy’s mod had to do with mrs. Kang, it’s was more like something between him and Jaebeom.

“Something happening between you two?”

“What?”

“Jaebeom and you”.

Yugyeom sighed.

What was the boy going to say to him?

'Ah, first I had an erotic dream about him because he flirted with me at our dinner, and then, when we were going through a scene, he actually kissed me.' It didn’t seem like something good to be said to someone who was against his stay in the movie.

“We had a disagreement because nonsense,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Jaebeom wants to do all the scenes the way he act, but I have my own way of acting and it annoys me... it was just a disagreement”.

Jinyoung studied his face.

“Are you sure?” he asks the boy again. “I think I've made it clear that here we don’t have any problem with our actors' personal life choices, but you need to know how to separate things...” he tried again, receiving a firm denial of the younger. “Yugye-”

“There's nothing happening, I sure.” Yugyeom interrupted the writer, who sighed deeply and nodded. Maybe he should have asked about things at home instead of asking about Jaebeom. “It was just a silly fight between friends”.

“Okay. I believe in you, but we cannot delay these scenes because they are important to building the movie dynamics.” the writer says what he was saying to Yugyeom and Jaebeom when it came to their chemistry in the scene. “You can’t give me more when you're with Jungkook and give me so little when you're with Jaebeom!” he snorted off. “It makes it seem like the relationship in focus is Yohan's with Siyoon, and it's not what I want. People need to see the difference between Yohan's love for Woojin and what he had for Siyoon at the beginning of the book.” Jinyoung held the boy's shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “Do you understand that? I need you to love Jaebeom with all your heart, not Jungkook”.

“I’m doing this…”

“No. You don’t. And I thought you wanted to be in this movie, but...”

“Of course I want to be in this movie!”

“Then make me see that!” Jinyoung let go of him. He hated working with relaxed people, he hated having to repeat his words every time and he hated giving Yugyeom so many chances. If he continued with that behavior, the writer would surely find a way to find some actor who could do what he did on a bland skate. “Make me believe you're in love with your co-star, go there, and give me what you've given in the rehearsals with Jungkook for God’s sake”.

“If no…?” Yugyeom smirked, knowing he had an ‘if not’ in that overbearing sentence. “Otherwise you're going to do what?”

Jinyoung smile to him, really mad this time:

“I'm going to kick your ass out of this studio”.

**\- c -**

“Scene 76, Kang Woojin and Song Yo-han the first time...” Sana asked, slamming the clapper. Jackson shouted 'action' and Jaebeom smiled as he connected his lips to Yugyeom's, this time kissing him as it should be, the professional way.

The song, which had been chosen by Jaebeom to make things calmer, echo in the set making Yugyeom focus his thoughts on the lyrics. He never thought he could get as fixed on a cover of Britney Spears as he was the moment his hands touched Jaebeom's belly, inside his t-shirt.

Jackson asked Doyun, the camera general manager, to take a close-up on them, checking if he wanted to focus on that scene.

“Try to focus on the details first no?” Jinyoung whispered to the Chinese, who repeated to Doyun and nodded, liking it more from that angle. “I like Jaebeom's hands in Yugyeom’s hair, zoom in... yeah, yeah like this. Perfect.” he nodded without taking his eyes off the screen while Jackson kept his attention on the board. He asked them to change one of the cameras to take their profile when Jaebeom took Yugyeom to the bed and laid him on it. “Do you like that angle? Don’t you think that a scene from above is very sensational?”

“We're making a sensational movie” Jackson smirked sarcastically to his friend. “If we’re receiving heavy criticism about this, that we receive by merit and not by nonsense...”

Jinyoung nodded, looking back at the screen in front of him.

Everyone was in deep silence, watching the scene as if they were watching it in the movies. Joy felt her cheeks burn as Yugyeom groaned as Jaebeom's lips snaked around his neck and Jungkook tried not to laugh, hiding his face on Youngjae's shoulder, who pinched him.

“Stop it...!” Bambam whispered to his friends, embarrassed by their childishness behavior. “You're going to ruin everything and Jinyoung will fight with everyone”.

“It's Jungkook!” Youngjae scream-whispered. “I'm quiet here”.

Bambam rolled his eyes but turned his attention back to the scene again. He rolled the candy in his tongue, craning his neck to get a better look when Jaebeom came down with his face down Yugyeom's abs... they would probably spend a lot of base covering the younger's tattoo, but if Jinyoung chose to use the drawing as an adaptation for his character, the Thai was sure that the fans would freak out because Yugyeom's body would just look perfect with that design on his skin.

“So fucking hot...” Joy whispered, nodding in agreement as Bambam commented on his thoughts with them. “How can he be so handsome just lying down? Christ!”

“You have a huge crush on him.” Jungkook teased again, watching the woman roll her eyes. “Stopping drool on him. Ewc!”

_Here's my invitation, baby  
Hope it sets us free to know each other better  
put your love all over me_

For a brief moment, Kim Yugyeom forgot what to do next, where he put his hand or what sound to emit, because the sensation of Lim Jaebeom's warm lips on his skin was stifling and left the boy’s whole mind confused. By that time, he had already stopped paying attention to the song and had already forgotten the existence of the other actors involved in the movie on set.

The boy put his hands on his face, hearing something move over him. When he opened his eyes between his half-opened fingers, he noticed the camera standing on the bed where he stood with Jaebeom on his body. His lips parted and one of his hands flew to Jaebeom's hair as the man bitten on Yugyeom's bone hip too hard.

_I know it might seem crazy  
but I'ma put you in this blindfold,  
I just need you to trust me  
oh, that you see more with your eyes closed_

It was when Jinyoung set his eyes on the individual screen in Sana’s hands, who was commanding the camera footage above the bed.

“Can I see?” he asked, holding out his hand to the woman who glanced at Jackson for confirmation. Jinyoung frowned and insisted. Jackson nodded to Sana, who handed Jinyoung the mobile screen and watched him approach the set. “Can you zoom in now?” the man asks the camera operator, who nodded and did as he was told. “Yes, stop there”.

Park Jinyoung rolled his eyes across the scene through the screen, analyzing the details that were not in his script. The way Yugyeom's lips were open and swollen, his red cheeks, the way the boy's skin seemed to be more prickly than necessary.

Jinyoung lifted his head, looking toward the bed.

Jaebeom had his hands wrapped around one of Yugyeom's thighs after getting rid of the boy's pants, he was kneeling on the floor and his head was between his thighs. The camera could capture the way he moved his head toward the inside of the boy's thigh where he'd laid a kiss.

Jinyoung turned to Jackson:

“Cut!” he yelled as he moved away from the bed, handing the screen to Sana. “Cut now. We’re finished here”.

“What?” Jackson was looking scary because of his friend's scream. “What happened? The scene was perfect...” the Chinese sighed uneasily because he was really mesmerized by the scene. He would remember that song when he got home and had some time alone with Mark. Jinyoung scratched his forehead. Something is wrong. He could see it in the men's face now. He looks at Sana. “Let's close for today”.

The director turned to the bed, watching them all look confused at them as Jaebeom and Yugyeom continued the scene.

Jackson looked at Jinyoung, confused:

“What they are…” the Chinese cleared his throat, picking up the megaphone. “Cut!” he said cautiously. Yugyeom was the first to wake up from the trance, rising abruptly and shoving Jaebeom's head away from his legs. The younger one looked forward with wide eyes, his gray hair was a mess and his cheeks and tip of his nose are really red. Jackson Wang moves his head. “We're done for today. You can all go home now”.

**\- ii -**

Jinyoung watched them follow the weeks.

His eyes gliding over the two sitting across everyone as everything was normal. Jaebeom smiled at Yugyeom, wiping the corner of the boy's mouth discreetly, while Bambam chattered without noticing the way his friends were sitting so close to each other.

He didn’t like to put his fingers on other people's lives — no more than he was doing when he looks for Yugyeom past and meeting his non-famous friends — but it was his responsibility to make his first film work. And he doesn’t care only because of what had happened with Jaebeom in the scene, but also because Jackson keeping ask him to talk with Yugyeom about the boy’s mother. So he really needs to do something… anything.

“Stop staring at them!” Jinyoung presses his hands in his chest, feeling his body react to Jackson's voices. The Chinese one handed him an apple and sigh. “You cannot figure it out just by looking at them, jeez”.

“And what should I do hyung?” the writer asked. “You ask me to talk with Yugyeom-ssi about his mother, then you ask me to talk with him about Jaebeom… what should I do it? I don’t know how to talk to him”.

Jackson bites his cheeks.

“I know.” he sighs again, deep. “I made a joke about his mother and he didn’t react. He just replied and laughed” Jackson told Jinyoung, taking a bite of his apple. “And I also tried to talk about the scene with Jaebeom... that fucking scene!” Jackson whispered as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear. He had understood why Jinyoung was anxious to finish the day when he noticed everyone's expression. They both made the scene too real. “It was pure sexual tension. I almost burst out of it”.

“Hyung!”

“What?” the Chinese laughed. “Do you think I was the one to think that? Sana said she had never seen anything like that and I can assure you she's seen a lot of crazy stuff in her life”.

Jinyoung chuckled, shaking his head. He had also been surprised, when he talked to Yugyeom he thought he made the boy understand how much was in risk, but he didn’t expect the actor to give that much.

Jackson nudged Jinyoung as he watched Heejin walk through the front door, catching everyone's attention.

“What are you doing here at this hour?” Jinyoung asked feeling the kiss his girlfriend left on his left cheek. “I thought you’re working today?”

“They set me free…” the woman replay, taking the boyfriend's apple, taking a bite of the fruit as she greeted Jackson and asked about Mark. “Hey. Did I know that one of your actors is his friend?”

“What?” Jackson frowned. “No one is Mark’s friend”.

“Ah. Yeah, someone is.” Heejin nodded, pulling her phone out of her jacket pocket. She searched for the tweet she had read while waiting for a taxi. “See? It says, ah, him!” she said, pointing to Bambam. “He's one of JYPE models. He's your boyfriend's friend... did not you know that?”

Jinyoung glared at his girlfriend as Jackson excused himself and walked away, calling Bambam in a corner of the studio. Heejin shrugged her shoulders.

“What do I say wrong?” she questioned innocently. “I just thought he knew and had not mentioned that. I didn’t want to create a fight”.

“You never want, but you always create one”.

Jinyoung took a deep breath and shouted for Sana so that the woman would start storing things. They would start filming the movie over the weekend because they had to follow the rain forecast to get the opening scene.

While checking the equipment lists and confirming the sets, Heejin sent herself on the couch next to Yugyeom and Jaebeom, with whom he talked without stopping until he noticed her boyfriend standing at a safe distance from where everyone was, looking over his glasses towards where she was seated.

Heejin pouts her lip, making a cute expression but Jinyoung didn’t seem to notice, because his eyes weren’t really on Do Heejin. The woman wrinkled her nose and tried to find the direction her boyfriend was looking at... straight at Kim Yugyeom.

Yugyeom was standing in the corner of the room, was talking to Kim Sang-Joon, the actor who is his father in the film adaptation. Jinyoung had his eyes fixed on the boy, not in Heejin.

“Should I worry about all the attention you're giving him?” Heejin whispered in Jinyoung's ear. She had gone for a walk on her boyfriend, who hadn’t even noticed her until that very moment. Jinyoung sighed deeply and touched the woman's hand, which was hugging him from behind. Heejin left a kiss on the back of his neck. “What did he do now?”

Jinyoung shook his head, saying he needed to get things straightened out if he wanted to get everything to the location in time. However, Heejin knew there was something wrong with her boyfriend because he wasn’t the kind of person that doesn’t answer her.

She watched in silence as Jinyoung worked alongside Jackson, who was less annoyed now that he had discovered that Mark had asked Bambam to keep it a secret just to not harm his boyfriend's work — the American didn’t want people to think that Jackson was favoring Bambam only for being Mark's longtime friend.

At some point, after everyone had gone over the whole script one last time, Eujin put all of them together and asked Heejin to take a picture so that everyone could remember when the shoot had finally been started. They had taken one on the first day the cast had met — Yugyeom was the only one that wasn’t in the picture because he had arrived a while later.

“I'll see you early tomorrow in Busan... please don’t be late this time, okay? I don’t want to miss this opportunity, the forecast storm for tomorrow is the key to starting these shots with the right foot!”

“Okay, okay!” Jinyoung rolled his eyes at Jackson because he really was a late person. They both laughed at something Heejin said and looked at each other quickly. “Ah. Baby?”

“Yeah”.

“I'm going to have to go to the company to talk to our producer, now” Jinyoung says with a wary smile on his lips, knowing that his girlfriend had decided to go to the studio to probably spend her free time with him. “Can you go home with Jackson? I promise it will not take more than an hour”.

“But I thought we could go out and see a movie...”

“Yeah! We can do it when I'm done with him.” he smiled, rubbing the woman's arms. “Huh? I promise”.

“You can’t go?”

“I have to change some scenes and review some important notes for tomorrow” Jackson replied with a shrug. “He has to go this time, noona. I'm sorry”.

“Got it.” Heejin nodded. “Swear it'll only be an hour?”

“An hour and nothing more!”

\- c –

“Yugyeom-ssi!”

“Jinyoung-ssi?” Yugyeom frowned, hiding a few strands of his gray hair inside the hood he was wearing. He looked back, confused by why the man was still there when his girlfriend had already left the studio for some time ago. “Ah… hi. Do you want something?”

Park Jinyoung had no meeting with the producer of the film, he and Jackson needed to talk to Kim Yugyeom about his possibilities involvement with Lim Jaebeom, but Jackson was busy with a major engagement with Mark, so Jinyoung had been in charge of doing the subject come before it was too late for everyone.

“I was thinking…” Jinyoung swallowed. “Do you want to go to that bar with me? The one we went to the last time-”

“ _Gyeom-ah!”_ Jinyoung turned his head at Jaebeom's laughter just behind Yugyeom. The boy came out of nowhere a little later, lost his smile when he saw Jinyoung standing in front of the younger. “Oh! Jinyoung-ah, hi”.

“Oh. Hi.” Jinyoung says. He wasn’t surprised to see them together, it had been two weeks since that behavior was happening, but he didn’t expect to see them together just then. “Are you two going out together?”

“Yeah.” Jaebeom nodded with a wide smile. “I'm taking Yugyeomie to see a nice place that I know”.

Jinyoung nodded patiently, looking straight at Yugyeom.

He needed to talk to Yugyeom about it because Jaebeom already had a career built on his sexuality. Everyone knew that the actor like men and women, but no one had any idea what was going on in Kim Yugyeom's mind — Jackson and Jinyoung were afraid of that friendship because Jaebeom had already been linked to a number of sexual scandalous about his film’s co-stars. They couldn’t let that happen to Bloodsport.

“I see.” It was all he could say because he didn’t want to get Jaebeom mad by questioning what kind of relationship they were having and could leave everything under the wipes until the movie was over. “Have a good night then”.

“Thank you”.

Yugyeom parted his lips to ask what Jinyoung wanted, but the older one just turned and left. He turned to Jaebeom and laughed.

“He's so fucking weird!”

“You're a pain in the ass!” Jaebeom laughed, pushing Yugyeom shoulders. “He's cool. You just need to be less annoying and give him some space to talk to you. You'll see, just let him get close and we'll be able to have peace on set for God’s sake”.

Yugyeom smiled, shaking his head, following Jaebeom to his car.

He didn’t believe that he could have a good relationship with Jinyoung, even if God said that personally. Park Jinyoung and Kim Yugyeom hadn’t been made to work together.

**\- iii -**

The place that Jaebeom had taken Yugyeom was beautiful. It was a kind of suspended restaurant, the place was covered in bright lights and they could see the city from above. It was an incredible place.

Perhaps it was because of the ambiance or the familiarity of being with Jaebeom that Yugyeom asked the man about what had happened between them in the kiss scene... about how much Jaebeom seemed dedicated to touching his body while recording the bed scene.

And perhaps because of Jaebeom's calm mood or tone, Yugyeom didn’t feel his stomach hurt to hear the man say he liked him:

“Because I like you Yugyeomie. I really like you and I know you've realized that it’s not just like a friend”.

Maybe that's why Yugyeom had a smile because Jaebeom was a familiar friend and that place was quiet enough to make him less worried about who could see them. They were too far from Seoul to worry about photographers and fans.

Or maybe it was because of the conversation that Yugyeom had with his older brother a few days ago.

**[Six days ago]**

“... but you have to promise not to tell mama anything” Yugyeom said again, biting his cheeks. Yujin rolled his eyes. “It's serious hyung, you have to swear by the little finger, for papas life!” he said, holding out his little finger. “What did you say?”

“Is it that big?”

“Hyung...” the boy used to act like a two-year-old when he was with his older brother. He pouted with his lips, Yujin sighed and connected his little finger to his. “Great!”

The two were silent, Yujin waiting for Yugyeom to say something, and Yugyeom waiting for Yujin to ask something.

“If you don’t open your mouth, I will not be able to help you!”

Yugyeom nodded, gritting his teeth.

“Have you ever wondered who it would be if mom hadn’t influenced our lives for so long?”

“Like…?”

“Like… Yugyeom thought for a moment. “Would you have proposed Yong-sun noona if mama had not arranged your first date?”

Yujin frowned.

He didn’t expect Yugyeom to do all that show just to ask about his engagement to Yong-sun.

“I do not know.” Yujin put his chin in his hands. “But if we were thinking about how our lives would be if mama hadn’t put a finger on everything, we would have to think that you wouldn’t be famous, so I would never have known Yong-sun because we would not have similar worlds”.

“I bet mama would have had more kids because I remember dad saying she wanted to have at least six kids before you were born!”

“Yeah. Ewc”.

“Dad would probably have taken over grandpa's firm as everyone expected, and mama would have been an ordinary housewife who takes care of her six children”.

“I probably would have been an amateur soccer player”.

“Dancer for me, but I doubt if we would have followed those careers, the family always ends up taking care of grandpas business”.

“Yeah.” Yujin laughed. “So then I would not have known Yong-sun, so I probably would have dated someone from high school”.

Yugyeom nodded. It wouldn’t be a bad reality, take over their grandmother's upholstery company, and marry an ordinary girl.

“Ah... did you see that American study that one in three brothers is probably gay?” Yujin made a face. “Yeah, I read somewhere. If mama had had like six kids... how do you think would have been the gay sibling?”

“You!”

Yugyeom lost the urge to laugh.

He stared at his brother with an ugly face. Of course, he wanted to talk about what had happened between him and Jaebeom, but he did not expect his brother to talk to him that way. What had made him think that Yugyeom would be the gay brother?

“Why?”

“I do not know. You were always ahead of your time and always liked things that were not from our culture.” Yujin shrugged. “Not that it's justified, it's just a thought I have. I think you would have been the gay brother... or Yuri” the man laughed. “Yuri would certainly have been a lesbian if this theory were true”.

“Yuri? Why?”

“Don you see how she looks at her friend… Nancy? I think it's her name. She's a year old in school than Yuri, but our little sister follows her like a trained dog…” Yujin laughed, rolling on the bed, turning his belly up. “It's so fucking sad to watch”.

Yugyeom studied his brother's expression. He didn’t seem to be bothered with the subject, much less seemed to disapprove of the idea.

“If I were gay...” Yugyeom swallowed. “Or if Yuri was a lesbian, would you be against it?”

“Why should I?” Yujin asked looking at Yugyeom. The boy nodded, biting his lips. “Gyeom-ah... why are we talking about it?”

“Ah… curiosity”.

“Curiosity about?” Yujin closed his eyes and puckered his lips. He could always find out when his brother was hiding something because Yugyeom used to make an anxious gesture. Like at that very moment. Yujin sat up abruptly. “By chance you... ah, you know. Are we talking about all this because of you?”

Yugyeom's heart squeezed.

He wanted to throw up.

“Yugyeom-ah!” Yujin shouted watching his brother rise from the bed. He held the boy by the arm. “Do you like boys?”

“Shut up!” Yugyeom screamed as he turned quickly, putting his free hand in his brother's mouth. His eyes were wide. “Are you crazy your fucker? Keep it down for God’s sake, do you want mother to listen to you?”

Yujin's jaw dropped. He pushes his brother's hand from his mouth.

“Is that so? Do you like boys?”

“I-ah…” Yugyeom scratched his back, where the scar used to pinch whenever he got too anxious. “It's not like that, okay? I like girls, I dated a lot of girls, pretty girls!” he emphasized the 'girls' word, making Yujin roll his eyes. Yugyeom paced back and forth. “It's just... I do not know”.

“What you do not know?” Yujin raised his eyebrows. “If you like boys and girls… how do you not know that?”

“I don’t know hyung, maybe because I've never even gotten close to a gay person in twenty-two years of existence?”

“AH, yeah... this makes sense. Sorry.” Yujin smile, making Yugyeom sit beside him on the bed. “I don’t know what to tell you. Mom doesn’t know about that, but I kinda already... hm, I kissed a guy.” the youngest's chin fell. “It was a challenge college game. You know how I am about challenges, I cannot sleep if I don’t win”.

Yugyeom shook his head in denial, not believing it. Yujin had been a quiet teenager, he never got into trouble and never gave trouble to his parents. It was hard to imagine him kissing another guy, even if it was because of a challenge.

“Does noona know?”

“Of course she knows, she as the one how challenged me!” Yujin rolled his eyes, referring to his fiancé. They had met each other through mrs. Kang and Yujin had been forced to change college to be closer to the girl, who eventually became his fiancé and soon wife. “But have you ever kissed a guy?”

“Someone kissed me...” Yugyeom shrugged. “On the set”.

“What?” Yujin made a face. "Jaebeom-ssi or Jungkook-ssi?”

“Jaebeom.” Yugyeom sighed deeply. “He really kissed me while we rehearsed a scene and then, a couple of days ago, we had a moment in the set, a really ah... intense moment”.

“Jaebeom-ssi…” Yujin did not seem to like it very much. “You know this guy has a lot of scandals involving his love life, don’t you? He always messes with his co-stars, Gyeom.” he saw his younger brother nodded. He didn’t want to be the kind of person who says things like 'you could go after another person' when his brother didn’t even understand what was happening, but suddenly he felt worried. He didn’t want his brother's image to be even more damaged. “Are you in doubt because of him?”

“Yeah.” Yugyeom nodded. “I always liked girls and only girls. I still like them, I checked it out...” Yujin made a disdain expression. “I went to see Daisy”.

“Oh my fucking God. Why?” Yujin scoffed. “She called you oppaya too? _Hmmm Yugyeomie oppa_ …”

“ _Aish!”_ Yugyeom shouted giving a punch on Yujin’s shoulder, who laughed even more. “Anyway... I'm sure I still like girls, that didn’t change but every time he's around me, my stomach hurts and when he kisses me, even if it's a fake kiss… I want to stick my hands in his fucking fluffy hair and make the kiss real. I think... huh... ah...”

“You think you like him?” Yujin said the obvious, causing his brother to throw himself on the bed and put the pillow over his face, where he screamed angrily. He couldn’t even be liking a guy after twenty-two years like only girls, could he? “I cannot tell you whether or not you like it, because it's something that only you can find out but I can say, as someone who knows you very well, that you are visibly shaken by everything that happened...”

“Huh”.

“So even though I find this guy an asshole to end up exposing his relationship with other celebrities, all I have to say is try to find out if you really like him or you're just confused”.

“But why should I be confused?”

“Because it's a new theme for you, Gyeomie.” Yujin nuzzled his brother's forehead. “Until the other day you had never even mentioned the word 'gay' word in a sentence and now you've even felt a man tongue in your mouth. That may have confused you a bit...” Kim Yujin always knew what advice to give. Perhaps because he is older, perhaps because he was forced to mature early take care of Yuri while his mother took care of Yugyeom, but he always knew what to say to make his siblings feel better or think of another way to sort things out. “But you'll only know if you try to do something about it. Now that you're an adult, maybe it's time to try to see if mama really deprived you of understanding what kind of relationship you wanted to have, or if it's all a mess for something relatively new to you”.

**[NOW]**

“What are you thinking about?” Lim Jaebeom questioned in a calm voice, making Kim Yugyeom smile as he returned to himself. “Huh?”

Maybe it's the farthest place in Seoul, the soul music, and the beautiful view. Maybe it's because the way Yujin's words still fresh in his mind or the fact that Jaebeom is always so nice to Yugyeom as to have him put his elbow on the table, to lay his face in his hand and smile at the older man:

“I'm just thinking about how to say I do not know where to start this thing here,” he said about them. “But that I'm really interested”.

Jaebeom parted his lips in surprise.

He intended to make a full speech to show Yugyeom how this could work. How much they could work together.

“It's okay…” Lim Jaebeom smiled contentedly, put his hand on the table. Yugyeom looked at his rosy fingers for a long moment until he actually laid his hand over the older man's, who closed his fingers in his with a beautiful smile. “I'll teach you everything you need to know”.


	10. can you not mess with my mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bo-Young's jaw quivered.
> 
> “What?” she screamed. “What did you say?”
> 
> “That I'm dating someone else” Yugyeom says again, knowing that his mother would go crazy. She hated when her son decided to get involved with someone she hadn’t chosen because, according to Bo-Young, no one was good enough for her boy. Yugyeom smiled. “I'm dating mama... and I can assure you'll love meeting this person” he nodded with a big smile in his face. Yugyeom never feels so alive. “Just wait for this”.

**\- i –**

Jackson and Jinyoung hadn’t found an opportunity to talk to Yugyeom, instead, they just let things go in the best way and tried to focus their minds on the work they had to do. Thus, Jinyoung's movie Bloodsport recordings had to be started without any problems.

They had gone through the first two weeks of recording without too many mistakes, the shots were being matched with the rehearsals and many new things were being inset for the director and the actors, who seemed increasingly intent on making that work grateful.

“If we keep up like this” Jinyoung said, smiling. It was late at night and they had just finished another day of filming, Eujin was arranging the things that would be inside the mobile studio while Jackson was seeing with the others what they would do the next day. “We’ll finish recording before the deadline”.

The Chinese nodded, patting the camera director's back as he said goodbye. He walked with Jinyoung to the direction trailer, where they discussed some decisions they could make during the following week of recording.

“I like to think we're going to finish before the time” Jackson nodded. “But I also want to make sure we do not rush anything because I want it to be perfect”.

“Huh.” Jinyoung nodded, fidgeting in your glasses. “I agree, but for now things are going well and-”

“Jackson-ah?” they heard Joy's voice, which to Jackson sounded like a corner of angels, call outside. The man asked her to open the door and get inside. “Oh sorry to interrupt, but can I talk to you guys?”

Jackson nodded, making space for the girl to sit down. Joy chatted about some thoughts she had about her character, Nam Se-Young, sister of Nam Ji-sung and Bambam’s and character, about the girl relationship with Min-Seo, Choi Youngjae’s paper.

The actress had brought important thoughts about Se-Young's relationship with Lee Min-Seo, making Jinyoung prefer to follow her thoughts to his own. As they were almost done, they heard another knock on the door. It was Youngjae.

“Noona?” the actor wondered in surprise, making an expression that always made Jackson smile. “I thought you were gone by now... Am I disturbing you guys?”

“ _Any_.” Joy smiled as she stood up, gathering her script. She would study speech modifications for the next day. “I was just about to leave, I just wanted to get some replays about Se-Young...”

“Oh, it's about her involvement with Min-Seo?” Youngjae wanted to know, running his hand through his now blond hair. Joy nodded. “I've been thinking about what you said... about how Min-Seo falls in love with Se-Young. I mean, it really seems too difficult the way they end up together... I don’t think it should be so difficult”.

Jinyoung looked at Joy, then looked at Youngjae and smiled.

“You two must share the same brain.” the writer laughed, finding it funny because Joy had just shown her opinions as to why the story of their character shouldn’t be so complicated since Yohan and Woojin’s already had every angst they needed for the film. “We just agreed to change something about you two... it's not something that affects the rest of the cast or the movie, so we can do that now”.

“Seriously?” Choi Youngjae smiled relieved. “Whoa, I was afraid when Joy noona came to talk to me about it, but I see it would be different if we became their meeting lighter”.

“Yes. We think that too.” Jackson nodded. “It would be the perfect bittersweet for the movie”.

Youngjae laughed happy, chattering along with Joy about several opportunities that slight change might bring to the other ones. In the end, they agreed to everyone's opinions and Jackson sent audio in the cast's kakao group, sending some photos of the lines and actions that could be modified to give a lightness in Lee Min-Seo and Nam Se-Young segment.

A little later, Joy and Youngjae said goodbye to them, they left the studio together, talking about the hour they could arrive the next day to rehearse together on what Jinyoung had rewritten in their lines.

Jackson was waiting for Jinyoung in his car when he received a message from his boyfriend. When his friend came in, he twisted his mouth and took a deep breath:

“Ah... Jinyoung-ah” the Chinese called slowly, scratching his eyebrows before turning to his friend. “Are you and noona all right?”

“Ah. Yes?” Jinyoung laughed. “Of course we are. Why?” he slipped his seat belt and leaned his head against the seat. Jackson was still staring at his phone. “Sseun-ah?”

Jackson puffed up his cheeks and handed the device to his friend, who with a confused expression checked what he was looking at.

Jinyoung frowned.

“They may just be friends” the Chinese whispered cautiously to Jinyoung. “Dispatch loves to create scandalously and do fake news material about people's lives...”

Park Jinyoung turned off the screen, placing the device inside the cup holder before turning to the front and taking out the tablet that he uses to make his notes. Jackson kept his eyes on his friend's profile:

“Jinyoun-”

“It's her ex-boyfriend,” Jinyoung says without taking his eyes off the screen, accessing the file of his book and script as soon as the tablet finally light on. He licked his lips. “Are you going to stay here forever Jackson hyung? I need to get home and make some calls”.

“When you say... ex-boyfriend...”

“Huh.” Jinyoung nodded, his eyes glued to the screen. “I'm referring to the ex-boyfriend she's cheated on me more than twice.” the man says impatiently, turning to his friend, who opened his mouth ready to say something. “It’s okay, don’t care anymore...” Jinyoung anticipated what his friend was going to say, but he is lying. “We had a lot of fights about it, Heejin was going through the worst years of her life because of me and I know that.” he shook his head, turning to the screen again. “But things are different now, that's just a hug between friends, I'm sure”.

**\- c –**

As soon as the door opened, his longtime boyfriend, Park Jinyoung, surprised Do Heejin. The woman undid the smile that was on her lips and put her phone back in the bag:

“Did you know there's a picture of you hugging him in every corner of the internet?” he asked without giving the woman an opportunity to say something. She sighed deeply and bite her lip, tossing the keys into the pot. “My fans are going crazy because they think that my girl... isn’t my girlfriend anymore. Or worse, that she's cheating on me with an unknown guy!”

“It was just dinner.” Heejin says, rolling her eyes before she passed through Jinyoung, who followed her into the bedroom. “What's the problem with dinner between friends?”

“Oh, have dinner with a friend isn’t a problem. But we know he's not just a simple friend, right?” Jinyoung replay sarcastically, watching the woman walk around the couple's suite as if they were talking about a football game or a book. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going out with him?”

“How would I say it?” Heejin laugh. “You can never answer my calls or replay my messages because your movie is too important for you to pay attention in me.” she poured over him, taking off the sweater she was wearing. “I did not think you'd mind since you do not have time to care about us anymore”.

Jinyoung frowned.

“Are you being serious?” he asked in surprise. He knew that Heejin had problems with his dinner delays, that she kept complaining to Mark that he and Jackson were no longer human beings who cared about their partners and that she had been upset about some things, but he could not believe that Heejin was blaming him for work hard to keep the life they had. “It's my job!”

“I know. a job that is more important than your own girlfriend, who stood by your side at the worst times, who loved you and supported you despite everything-”

“Despite everything?” Jinyoung stopped her before it was too late, with a smile on the corner of the mouth. “You supported me despite everything... what everything noona?”

“Don’t call me that”.

“Why not?” Jinyoung laughed, crossing his arms. He knew that Heejin hated when the man treated her as a simple older woman, as when they were just friends and he always says to everyone that Do Heejin was 'just a noona from school'. She hated it when Jinyoung called her that and he knows that. “Fuck it. That's not what we're talking about... we’re talking about you going out to dinner with that guy without telling me anything!”

“I already told you that you do not care!” Heejin shouted impatiently, taking off her pants and throwing it on the floor. “I tell you things Jinyoung and you just ignore or forget it, so why should I have told you that I was going out with a friend because you like to have control of everything and want to be always one step ahead if some journalist asks about it?”

It was partly true. Jinyoung liked to have control over the facts and enjoyed always anticipating the possible questions of a journalist, but it was more than that because Heejin hadn’t been simply photographed in the arms of a friend... that was her ex-boyfriend, who she already had cheated Jinyoung more than once.

“You cheated on me, Heejin.” he whispered rubbing his temples, listening to the woman makes a noise of disdain. “Do not do it”.

“Do what Jinyoung?” Heejin folded her arms. “Have dinner with someone who wants to go out with me?” she asked visibly urged to hurt her boyfriend. “Why should I give a damn about your jealousy when you do not even have time for me?”

“I told you, it's my job!”

“You’re the fucking writer!” she screamed angrily. “They've given you the option of hiring a good screenwriter... it was your choice to do that, Jiny. You always have to put up a pretext to be busy. It’s been like this for years since Sung-woong ahjusshi found you!”

“I know I've been working a lot... but I do it for both of us, Heejin-ah. You know you were not born to have a bitter life, it's my job that makes your life easier-”

“Oh, is that how you think?” the woman laughed. “Do you think my life is easy because you make a few million a year?” she shrugged her shoulders, which made Jinyoung feel his skin burn. “I preferred it when we had bills to pay and we were fucked up in New York... back then you paid attention to me”.

He licked his lips, unable to contain his laughter as well.

Anyone who had known them in the past could say that these were fake words. Do Heejin never, in any hypothesis in her existence, would prefer the years of misery that she had lived with Jinyoung. She'd made a point of making him understand that years ago.

“It hurts me when you lie.” he whispered with a sigh. “I'm not saying I've been the most present boyfriend, but it hurts to hear you lie like that to me. We know you weren’t happy... neither was happy at that time”.

Heejin swallowed and shook her hair.

“I'm not sure anymore if I think about the past like that Jinyoung-ah, because I really feel more miserable now than when we didn’t have a penny in our bank account”.

“For real? The same way you feel when you started cheating on me?”

Heejin's eyes widened. Jinyoung had sworn never to touch in that subject again. It was a mistake that Heejin wasn’t proud of.

She parted her lips, ready to fight:

“And don’t say it was a mistake. If it had been a mistake, you would not have repeated it... would you Heejin?” Park Jinyoung might not be the most present boyfriend at all, but he had never hurt Heejin the way she had in the past. As she was doing at that very moment, acting as if all his effort came out of nowhere as if he hadn’t enough fears to keep him trying whenever an obstacle appeared in front of him. The man sighed deeply, he went to the bed and picked up his pillow. “I'm going to sleep in the living room today. You can use tonight to feel more alone than you claim to be…”

“That's not right Jinyoung-ah”.

“And what are you doing... that’s right?” he asked without really looking at his girlfriend, who seemed to be a step away from collapsing into tears. They were exhausted. It was too many years together, too many times when they were absent from each other's lives for many reasons that it makes everything more painful. “I'm sure you'll realize that things that happened in the past should be in the past”.

“Jinyoung-”

“Can you don’t mess with my mind?” he asked quickly, clenching his jaw. Heejin bit her lips with a sad look in her face. “That's all I ask of you. Don’t make the same mistake again noona”.

**\- ii –**

Lim Jaebeom as known for having a popular name among younger fans. A company called MIRROR Entertainment, almost 10 years ago, had discovered him and since then he was always active with his works. The man didn’t even remember the last time he hadn’t been working... maybe when he needed to serve in the army or when he broke his foot and had to stay at home for three months, but he had never been out television screens for other reasons, such as vacations.

However, now that he had met Kim Yugyeom, he was really looking forward to filming, promotion, and everything else that involved the film get over, that way he could be able to go on vacation with the boy.

“Would not it be great if we went to a distant country? Where no one knows us?” he asked again, showing some photos of South Africa that he had saved from Google. Yugyeom swallowed and nodded calmly, taking a quick look at the photos. “It's going to be really good when we get free from the movie, you're still in hiatus... right?”

“Ah…” Yugyeom couldn’t say he was since he was part of the movie with Jaebeom. But he also couldn’t say he was not because he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do after that movie. He had insisted that he wanted to prove he could do different things, but he didn’t know if other directors would call him to do someone interesting than Song Yohan. “I'm not sure”.

“When will you have sure?”

Yugyeom pursed his lips, shrugging before he opened the script that was always with him. He felt Jaebeom's gaze on him.

There were only six weeks and Yugyeom still didn’t know how to act close to Jaebeom. He knew it had been his choice to try to understand what was happening to his head about the older man, but he was really annoyed about Jaebeom’s attention.

It wasn’t something common for him, to have the attention of anyone other than his producers, businessmen... or his father.

It was something really new to be the center of someone’s who didn’t belong to his family or wanted anything from his career attention.

“I'm rushing things over again, right?”

“ _Any!”_ Yugyeom shouted, catching Jungkook and Youngjae’s, who was in the restroom with them, attention. The boy bit his lip. “That's not it, it's just that it's new to me.” he traced his lips in an ugly grimace. “None of my girlfriends gave me as much attention as you. It's different”.

Jaebeom smiled, containing the urge to touch Yugyeom's cheeks.

“I'm sorry if I cannot stay away from your cute little face”.

“Hyung!” Yugyeom's eyes widened, laughing. Jaebeom was always so cheesy with him. “Can you be less cheesy? I'm not a girl”.

“What does it have to do with being a girl?” he asked. “I cannot say sweet things to you because you're a guy?”

Yugyeom thought for a moment.

“Ah... it just makes me sound like I'm a girl”.

“Who told you that bullshit?” the younger one shrugged. Yujin had a mess with Yugyeom the other night, had said that he already imagined his brother becoming all mellow and sensitive about Jaebeom. Yujin even used the term 'boyfriend' to refer to the older boy in his bother's life. The boy let a sick sound escape between his lips. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

“No. You don’t.” he smiled uncomfortably. Yugyeom as knowing as an impatient, rude, and cold person. However, he had never managed to be that way with Jaebeom, near the eldest the boy always acted like a silly, smiling boy. Maybe because Jaebeom made him feel safe as if he didn’t need to worry about any surprise attacks. It was the way he was with his father and siblings. “It's just that it's confusing for me...” he explained the previous situation. “I do not know how I should interpret the things you tell me”.

“Don’t think too much about it.” Jaebeom smiled gently, touching Yugyeom's leg discreetly. The boy looked down, seeing the pillow over the older man's hand. “Just let things flow naturally and enjoy every moment without worrying about this idea of who is masculine or feminine in a homoaffective relationship. Thinking like that is just make the stereotypes real... no one needs to be effeminate to hear from their partners how much pretty they are”.

 _Boyfriend_. Yugyeom felt his heart skip a beat.

That was something he was not used too... having a _boyfriend_. He had spent twenty-two years of his life thinking he liked 'normal' things like 'normal' people. He never thought that he could end up in a gay movie with a boyfriend... a boyfriend... a man.

He sighed desperately, feeling a throb make his cheeks burn. He almost screamed 'thank you' when Sana entered the room calling Jungkook and him for rehearsal.

“Wait Yugyeom-ah!” Jaebeom called him hurriedly, holding the boy by the hand. “Can I take you to dinner later?”

Yugyeom thought for a moment.

“I do not think I can today, hyung.” he licked his lips, looking to see if Youngjae was still in the room with them. Everyone had left. “But I can call you... to give you a good night”.

“You really can’t today?”

Maybe he could. But he did not want to go out with Jaebeom.

Yugyeom had a lot on his mind, couldn’t think of going out with anyone for dinner. He still had some problems to solve, so he'd rather go straight home.

“I'll call you to say good night”.

**\- c –**

“Are we not going to talk about this anymore?”

Bo-Young’s hands stopped on the last button of her blouse, her gaze fixed on her son's reflection in the mirror. The woman sighed deeply and then finish unbuttoned as she was doing before her son burst through the door as if he had not received a quality education.

Yugyeom folded his arms.

“It's been a month and you have not denied your comment about me and Da-mi noona.” the boy complained. “Sehun hyung said that her company called, that they need a position on this situation because noona does not want to say anything”.

“She is smart”.

“What did you promise to her?”

“Nothing.” mrs. Kang laughed. “I just called and asked what she would think if I published a note telling everyone about a relationship between the two of you...” the woman turned over her shoulder, looking at her son with a winning smile. “Apparently I'm not the only one who sees the benefit of this situation. Maybe that's why she did not deny it”.

Kang Bo-Young had grown up in a poor family in Namyangju-si. She had been lucky enough to receive a scholarship at a college for rich children... where she met Kim Kwang-min, whom she had dated for years and eventually married.

Yugyeom’s grandmother said that Bo-Young was an ambitious young woman who had been married because Kwang-min’s family had enough money to give her a nice life. The woman became pregnant with her first child in her first year of marriage, according to the old woman Yujin had been born only because her daughter needed to keep her husband's lineage to please her fathers-in-law.

However, Kwang-min always insisted on saying that Bo-Young was a lovely woman when she was young. That people were mistaken, that he had insisted on dating her and that he had followed her for years until she finally agreed to get married to him. Mr. Kim used to say that marrying mrs. Kang had been the best choice... that back then they were happy and had created Yujin with love and care.

It was difficult for Yugyeom to believe in his father's version, because as long as he remembered his mother was bitter. His grandmother's story seemed more real than the enchanted fairy Kwang-min seemed to have been in love with in his youth.

“I wanted to understand what happened to you, mama.” Yugyeom whispered. “What happened to you to become that person who takes pleasure in tormenting your own son?”

Kang Bo-Young paused again, staring at her son's reflection.

“You. You happen.” she said. “It was what happened to me, Yugyeom. You born and our family began to have problems...”

“So it's my fault?”

“ _Any_.” Bo-Young smiled falsely kindly. “It's my fault. I think I'm tired of saying it, it's my fault that my life as ruined with a second and third child...” she sighed. “I should have had only one child as everyone suggested, but no. _Min_ wanted another child, then another. I wonder how many children would I just have to make him happy?”

That was something that confused Yugyeom too. His father said that Bo-Young was the one who wanted children. Six children. But she always said no, that she had had more children because her husband wanted to.

That Yugyeom and Yuri had been the biggest mistake of her life.

“I'm sorry we have ruined your life...” he whispered unable to keep the anger hidden in his words. Yugyeom knew he would probably respond to his thoughts, but he couldn’t help but hate his mother. “But I think you've already fucked my life up enough. Everything you've done and still does to me is enough for Yuri life too, you don’t have to fuck other people's lives just because-”

“I'm not going to go back with my statement unless you give up on this crazy movie.” mrs. Kang stopped him, putting her robe. “The company may have felt threatened by your madness, but I did not. We know that I can manage your career better than Sehun... so, all you have to do is give up this movie and get back to me my dear”.

Yugyeom croaked.

He could not believe she was coming back on that subject.

“The fact that you don’t understand that I am an adult now, that I can make my own choices only proves that you are becoming more and more insane, _omma_.” Yugyeom shook his head. “You may have manipulated hyung to get married, you can make Yuri believe in that shit love you have to offer... but not me. You’ll not put your hands in my life anymore, I will not give up on the movie”.

“That way I'm going to continue investing in what you call crazy, I'll tell everyone that you and Da-mi have been together for years… even before you become an adult”.

“That would end her career!”

“It would be your fault!” Bo-Young smiled. “I mean, I gave you every chance to change that... did not I? It was you who chose that result, I just played my role as a worried mother”.

Kim Yugyeom could hear how many stories about her mother his father have to say to him, about her childhood... but nothing could make him forget the person he knew.

It was impossible to see that woman as less than the demon herself.

Bo-Young smiled victoriously and passed Yugyeom ready to take a bubble bath. He took her by the arm:

“What do you think they're going to say when I go to the public and explain what got me away from my career?” Bo-Young's cheerful eyes widened. Yugyeom pursed his lips in a menacing smile. “I still have the medical report...”

“You what?”

“I bet father will finally give up all the respect he has for the love he felt for you, and he'll confirm everything I dare say in public about you, mother...” Kim Yugyeom wasn’t the kind of person who dared to touch the past he had faced while with his mother. However, he would not let the woman end someone’s career. He took a deep breath. “I can take any kind of look to take that ridiculous smile out of your face, so... omma, I beg you to stop this madness. Leave Da-mi noona out of our fight and let us both survive the way we always live, huh? Let's just continue to fuck each other life and let the others out of it”.

Kang Bo-Young knew her children. She had spent so many years of her miserable life beside them, haunting Yugyeom especially since she had realized the boy's talent for money. She knew when they could do something just to stop her.

Kim Yugyeom had never spoken so seriously in his entire life.

“Okay.” she finally said, pulling her arm. “I will say that I had my profile invaded and that I didn’t want to make a statement before because we were... I do not know, being threatened in any way.” she folded her arms. “But you have to give up the movie”.

Yugyeom laughed.

“No”.

“Yugye-”

“I said no.” he said seriously, ready to leave. “Just do what you have to do, call one of your journalist friends and tell them it's a lie, that I'm not dating Da-mi noona… I'm dating someone else”.

Bo-Young's jaw quivered.

“What?” she screamed. “What did you say?”

“That I'm dating someone else” Yugyeom says again, knowing that his mother would go crazy. She hated when her son decided to get involved with someone she hadn’t chosen because, according to Bo-Young, no one was good enough for her boy. Yugyeom smiled. “I'm dating mama... and I can assure you'll love meeting this person” he nodded with a big smile in his face. Yugyeom never feels so alive. “Just wait for this”.


	11. just don’t think too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your beloved actors?” Jinyoung said into Jackson's ear. “They are having an affair, Sseun-ah”.
> 
> Kim Yugyeom could have sworn to stand together that nothing was happening, but Park Jinyoung had lived long enough to realize the details when it came to the hidden secrets from people. He could see on Yugyeom's face that the friend he is talking about was himself.
> 
> Jinyoung smile, lick his wet lips:
> 
> “And that boy over there” he points to Noa. “Are going to end up fucking with everything”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a month I am finally back! I would like to thank you for all the comments, for all the affection and for you not leaving me on Twitter, let alone here hahaha that means the whole universe, but ... HOW ARE YOU? Is everything okay with everyone? And with their families? I really hope the best for everyone and that you are taking good care of yourself.
> 
> I promise we will have more and more updates soon, by the way... this is a double update because I really missed it!

****

**\- i –**

“Are you sure about this?” Yugyeom asked again, licking his lips as Eujin asked the program staff to improve the blur effect on the boy's left eye. He was in Men on a Mission’s dressing room, in JTBC’s studio while the others had already been shooting the episode for almost half an hour. “I don’t think it's a good idea... a lot of people watched this show”.

“That's why it's a great idea!” Jackson rolled his eyes from where he was, watching the recording next to Jinyoung. “Why are you so nervous, Yugyeom? It's not like you do not know the show cast”.

It was true. He had gone that program so many times that his name had already been written on the blackboard, on the list of idols that were always called to return to the program. Yet Yugyeom was trembling from head to toe.

He bites his lip, taking off the layer of the lip tint.

“I don’t know. What if they hate the fact that I'm in the movie hyung?” Yugyeom asked the Chinese, unable to stop his trembling legs. Jackson looks at him. “I have a lot of haters, there are people who are my fans and they still talk bad things about me, is not it bad publicity if they start attacking the movie before we even finished filming?”

“The idea was to start the promotions in two weeks. Not to mention we've been keeping it secret for almost seven months, the books fans deserve to know who's the face behind Yohan's character!” Jackson reminded the boy. “And if we have hater… don’t care”.

“But-”

“No ‘buts’!” the Chinese breathed deeply, getting up as soon as he heard one of the production staff call them. “Just take a deep breath and do what you do best, Yugyeom. It'll be all right”.

Yugyeom's eyes widened, he bit the corner of his mouth until he tasted blood on his tongue. Heavy hands startled him on his shoulders. It was Park Jinyoung. The boy prepared to hear the first sermon of the day:

“I know, I will not ruin-”

“Stop thinking so much.” was what Jinyoung said. The writer's brown eyes seemed genuinely confident as if they knew that Yugyeom was incapable of spoiling his project. “I know how hard you tried to be here, that it's something different and that you're afraid of it but I also know that even bad things can be good if you face them head-on. So stop thinking so much, you're not just some guy... you’re Kim Yugyeom”.

“Jinyoung-ssi...”

“Huh.” Jinyoung smiled. “I'm sweet when I want to be.” he arranged some threads that were too messy in Yugyeom's gray hair. “Take off that surprise expression, get up from that chair, go over there, and give a show worthy of your reputation, for God’s sake!”

**\- c –**

Yugyeom could hear everyone’s laughter inside the room as he waited for his cue. His mind was full a few minutes ago, but now he felt a little calmer knowing that Jinyoung had put a little faith in the work he was doing, so the boy spared no reaction when he slammed the door open, alarming everyone.

The CEO producer had been informed about Yugyeom's participation in the show, DORYA studio and JY Art Company had combined with him who would keep the actor's identity secret from the program members until the very last moment, where Yugyeom would appear to join the promotion of the movie.

Kim Heechul, with whom Yugyeom had already divided a few stages, was the first to scream. The man rose from his chair, putting his hand on his mouth when he said it was impossible while the others seemed even more surprised by Yugyeom’s presence.

Everyone was standing, the cast of the movie laughed non-stop, as well as the directors and Yugyeom hadn’t even entered the set yet. The boy held back his laughter when he saw Kang Ho-dong pretending to be fainting as he used to when the boy looked on the show.

“Ya!” Ho-dong yelled as he stood up. “What does that mean? Are you crazy? Who called you on that show?”

“Ya” Min Kyung-hoon says, running his hands in his arms. “I have goosebumps…”

“Ya... oh no... is that real?” Heechul laughed, hugging himself. The presenter looked at the production behind a joke, but it seemed to be true. “Are you really in this movie?”

“Ya. Ya!” Kim Young-chul hit Heechul's arm, coming closer to Yugyeom, who had now entered the room. “They have not yet introduced the main character of the film...”

“That's true?” Lee Soo-geun laughed making his eyes disappear. Jinyoung put his hand in front of his mouth, laughing in surprise at everyone's reaction. “Ya... for real?” the man asked as he sat down again when the staff asked everyone to stop. He shook his head, confused as Yugyeom joined the others in the cast. “Can this really be true? Yugyeom-ah... why are you here?”

“ _Annyeonghaseyo_ , I am Kim Yugyeom and in Bloodsport move I'll do the main character, Song Yo-Han. I hope to play a good job to you guys and fans support us. Thank you for having us here today!”

Everyone started yelling excitedly, applauding Yugyeom and the rest of the cast without believing that this was really happening.

Everyone knew Kim Yugyeom.

The boy had already attended the show on other occasions to promote films, events, and dramas that he was involved with. However, Yugyeom was off TV for a year now and no one could suspect he was involved with a gay movie.

It was a big surprise for everyone on the show... even more to the audience, who started desperately calling the show.

“I have a question!” Sang-min stood up. “How did this happen Yugyeom-ah? Because we know you were in hiatus... so how did you end up in that movie?”

Yugyeom projected his lips, giving the turn to Jackson:

“Ah... we were having a hard time to finding the right person for this character, but I ended up getting a chance to see Yugyeom perform a theatrical adaptation of the drama The Crowned Clown.” the Chinese said cautiously, because Sehun, Yugyeom’s mange, had made it clear that no one could know about the boy's extracurricular activities. “I had seen some of his dramas but seeing him perform in that adaptation was surreal”.

“Jackson knew at the time that Yugyeom was the perfect person for Song Yohan.” Jinyoung completed, although not fully agree with the friend needed to sell the film. “Since then Yugyeom-ssi has done a good job”.

“Yugyeom-ssi...” Heechul laughed, scratching his head. He shook his hands and changed the subject, asking questions about what it was like for the fans. “Seriously? Are we the first program to know about your participation in this movie? Whoa!”

“Yeah.” Yugyeom nodded biting his cheeks. On the director's program screen, he looked like a baby. The legend in his recording said 'Yugyeom is getting prettier and prettier every day, like a baby' as he replied: “We found it interesting to leave my participation a secret, so none of my fans knew... until now”.

“Because you love our program so much huh?” Young-chul grinned from ear to ear.

“ _Any!”_ Yugyeom denied it quickly, making an ugly face and everyone laughing at his roughness. Heechul made some joke about the older man's attempts to conquer Yugyeom’s heart with bad jokes all the time, but everyone knew it was just a joke, that the actor liked every one of the show. “Can I say one thing?”

“Yeah!”

“Jackson hyung is Jang-hoon hyung fan. He just loves you so much!”

Jackson put his hands behind him, embarrassed by the unexpected attention he had gained thanks to Yugyeom. Seo Jang-hoon stood up holding out his hand to Jackson Wang, who almost had a heart attack.

Yugyeom laughed:

“Jackson hyung was an athlete when he was younger. He won the Asian Junior and Cadet Fencing Championship in first place in 2011”.

From that moment on, the program kept light and funny. Everyone took part in the conversation, Jungkook showed off some of his talents and Youngjae proved the vocals that made him won the survival program. Bambam was applauded all the time for his beauty, as well as Joy and the others who were on the show. They recorded the episode in the blink of an eye and at the end of the day when everyone took some photos and changed autographs, they said goodbye to the cast of the show and were led outside.

It was a surprise to see JTBC studio full of people with signs about the film, several with Yugyeom’s name. The fans had known right the moment the show aired, those who had managed to get there in time were in front of the studio shouting their name and saying positive things.

Kim Yugyeom left the studio with a lighter heart as if he had just completed an important phase of his entire career. He was really surprised to have received so much support from the members of the show, even more, surprised to see so many fans shouting positive things to him as he left.

In the car, everyone was talking to each other. Jaebeom, who was on Youngjae's side in the front seats, smiled as he caught Yugyeom’s look.

The boy hissed at his phone.

 **to: hyung**  
If you keep smiling like that, your chin will fall!

Jaebeom laughed louder, making Jackson look at him and then at Yugyeom, who lowered his eyes and pretended to be concentrating on his phone. He received a message:

 **from: hyung**  
It's hard to stop smiling when my beautiful boyfriend looks so radiant...

Yugyeom rolled his eyes, leaving Jaebeom's chat to check the other messages. It was to be hoped that a large part of the people accompanying his career would be bothered by his participation in a film like that, after all, it was a different subject in the boy's career, but no negative comment was enough to take away that sense of the greatness of the boy's shoulders.

He didn’t care how many people he would have to fight, or how many ugly expressions he would have to see, he was content with his own choice. He felt the phone ring, it was a message from his mother:

 **from: Kang boo-young**  
I hope you're happy Yugyeom. People don’t stop calling me, they wonder if my son turned gay because of the scandalous movie he's making!

There were other messages, but he preferred to open his father's.

 **from: old man**  
I am proud of you! Yerim and I watched the episode that just came out. I loved the color of your hair! You looked so handsome on TV, kiddo. Papa and Yerim are really proud of you _pumpkin_.

“Who would have thought you could smile like that.” he heard Park Jinyoung, who had sneaked up beside him.

“Ah…” Yugyeom hung up the phone. “Thank you for what you said earlier, Jinyoung-ssi. That helped me a lot”.

Jinyoung shook his head. He knew it had nothing to do with his words, he could hate Yugyeom because of the things he does, but he knew the boy was a competent professional. His performance had nothing to do with words, but about him being a star.

“We're going out later.” Jackson had instructed Jinyoung to invite Yugyeom to the celebration with them. “To a private nightclub far from the city. Courtesy of our beloved director's famous boyfriend.” he said pointing to his friend, who was talking to the rest of the cast. Jinyoung looks at Yugyeom. “You are invited”.

He thought for a moment.

He had promised Jaebeom that they would have dinner in a quiet place by the end of that day, but celebrating with the rest of the cast seemed more fun. Or rather, it seemed the right thing to do.

He took his phone.

 **to: hyung**  
Jackson-ah invited you to the party?  
We're going to a nightclub hyung!

“Yugyeom-ssi?”

“Oh yeah!” Yugyeom smiled rubbing his eyebrow. He was texting his 'boyfriend' while another person tried to have a conversation with him. Fuck. He is like a teenager again. “That sounds cool, I'll get the address with Jackson hyung later”.

“Don’t bother him, I'll send it to you”.

Yugyeom frowned but nodded.

Before he could complain, he felt the phone ring and looked directly at Jaebeom. The older man didn’t look pleased.

 **from: hyung**  
We barely started and you're already switching me for a nightclub?

**\- ii -**

Although Lim Jaebeom seemed mad, the rest of the cast and Kim Yugyeom was very happy. He had the opportunity to talk to some of them at other times before Bloodsport had become a movie proposition and ended up in the same cast. Like, Im Ye-Jin, who had play Yugyeom’s mother on the movie screens, had already done a drama with him when the boy was younger, but he had never been as close as her now.

She was simply the best person Yugyeom could know. The woman was always giving advice to the younger actors, not just about a career, but about private life, about romance and adventure. She is great.

Already Jungkook, whom Yugyeom had known quickly through Twitter, had become a good friend. Bambam, Jungkook and Yugyeom had even created a group in kakao, because they were the same age and always had some joke to trade with each other.

Youngjae and Joy were really close to each other, Yugyeom even enjoyed playing around saying they were projecting their characters in real life, but he knew they were just real friends. That they had things in common. Everyone in the cast had something in common... even Jinyoung had some things in common with Yugyeom, whom he hated so much.

“Gyeom-ah!” the boy heard Joy shout. “There's someone in the doorway asking about you... it's a guy”.

He stopped dancing with Bambam, turning to check. Noa, his non-famous friend with whom he had exchanged some messages a few hours before, was standing in front of the security guard with an ugly expression. _Fuck_.

“You know him?”

“Yeah. He's my friend.” he said to Bambam, who pushed him toward where Noa was. “It's okay, he's my friend, you can let him in.” the boy told the security guard. The man glanced at Noa, who rolled his eyes and smile at Yugyeom. “What are you doing here hyung?”

“I was close and I decided to come and see you.” Noa shouted next to Yugyeom's ear, his hand on the back of the boy's neck. “You stop looking for us... I missed you”.

Yugyeom nodded, even if he didn’t believe it. He always sent messages to others. He knew it was not the same as before, but he did not have time to travel to Busan whenever he wanted now that there were so many things going on.

However, he decided to ignore it because he knew that Noa was too sensitive, that he would end up creating a fight if he said something about his sudden appearance in that place. He licked his lips:

“Do you want to meet the cast?” Noa nodded. “Huh. Okay, come with me then.” he shouted taking his friend's hand, leading him to the table where the rest of the cast was. “Oh, I want to introduce my friend to you, his name is Noa Matsumoto, Noa, this is Jackson hyung, Yejin _ahjumma_ , Sangjoong _ahjusshi_... those who are dancing there are Bambam hyung, Joy noona, Jungkook and... ah... where's Jaebeom and Jinyoung-ssi?”

“In the bar.” Jackson smiled waving at Noa. “I think I saw you... that day when I met Yugyeom-ah?”

“Ah!” Noa nodded. “It's a pleasure to meet all of you”.

“It's our pleasure.” mrs. Im said smiling, polite. Yugyeom loved her with all his heart. “Just sit with us. Let’s talk a little”.

Sometime later, after introducing Noa to Bambam and the others who were off the table, Yugyeom could not contain his laughter as friends chattered about random things. Joy, who suddenly became interested in what she always thought was nonsense, was visibly interested in Noa.

The Chinese whispered something about going to the bathroom with Yugyeom, his hand was on the waist of the boy who offered to accompany him. The actor did just the favor to warn Bambam that he would go to the bathroom, then grabbed Noa by the arm and came down through the crowd - some of them seemed curious to see him as if they recognized him, but without knowing from where.

“Fuck that place!” Noa gasped. “Look at the size of this fucking bathroom, it's the size of my apartment!”

Yugyeom laughed and leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes as he waited for his friend. He felt the phone vibrate inside his pocket:

 **from: hyung**  
I'm in the VIP room, next to the bathroom... can you come here?

“Ah...” Yugyeom licked his lips. “Hyung?”

“Yes?”

“Can you get back to the table by yourself?” he wanted to know. He knew that Noa would not find it strange to him to be involved with Jaebeom, but he was not ready to tell anyone about it. “My agent just called, I need to call back and I'm going into a cabin that just... ah, they only let one person get in... can you come back alone?”

“Huh.” Noa murmured from the bathroom. “I'll see you up there”.

Without another word, Yugyeom left the bathroom and searched the VIP room. He almost regretted it when he entered and realized that the room was actually _a room_. The boy scratched the back of his neck, closing the door behind him. The place was dark.

“Holy shit!” Yugyeom kicked Jaebeom because the eldest had pulled his ankle in the dark, making him scared. “What the fuck is wrong with you fucker?”

“Fuck!” Jaebeom shouted, getting up, massaging the spot Yugyeom's foot had hit him. “Why did you kick me?”

“You fucking surprised me out of nowhere, damn it”.

Jaebeom rolled his eyes, walking toward the sofa in the corner of the room. Yugyeom looked at him from afar, scanning the whole place. There were mirrors everywhere, the lights were low and there were neon lights by tall tales. Fucking laid room.

“Why are we here?”

“I wanted to be alone with my boyfriend.” the elder replied as if it were obvious. Yugyeom's jaw clenched. He did not want to be alone with Jaebeom. At least not yet. The most they had done, after the disastrous kiss on the scene, had been to hold hands. “Why do not you come and sit here by my side?”

“Hyung…” Yugyeom sighed, folding his arms. He was not a fucking little boy, but he did not want to rush things. “What do you want to do?”

“What question is that?” Jaebeom laughed. “I only want to 2min with my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask?” Yugyeom analyzed the situation. He did not know how much Jaebeom wanted to go with him, he was too young in that entire relationship thing between men and he was sure he would ruin everything, so he did not want to rush things. “Yugyeomie!”

Yugyeom sighed, unable to annoy Jaebeom even more. He walked over to the couch and threw himself beside the older man, who smiled and threw his arms around the shoulders of the taller one, who cringed.

It was weird. To be embraced that way when he knew Jaebeom had intentions beyond friendship, but Yugyeom was trying to get used to it.

He bit the corner of his mouth as he felt Jaebeom's hands smoothing over his back, over the scar that had been there for a few years.

He did not even have the chance to thinking when Jaebeom turned his face toward his neck, where he left a wet kiss. Yugyeom held the eldest by the arm as he felt his lips press harder on his neck, which burned around the pressure he was making.

“Jaebeom!” Yugyeom shouted impatiently, shoving the older man who bite his lips and laughed, watching the younger boy wipe the saliva trail he'd left on his neck. He took the phone to check the color of his skin. Purple. “Holy shit hyung!”

Jaebeom laughed, pulling the youngest by the neck, making them both lie down on the couch.

“You need to relax sweet.” Jaebeom whispered into Yugyeom's ear, feeling the boy breathe deeply with the approach. “I said I'd teach you everything you need to know, did not I?”

“Oh, yeah, but... hyung...”

“It's alright Yugyeomie.” Jaebeom grinned at his lower lip. He was so eager to kiss the boy, to hear him call his name and leave his skin full of marks. It was almost painful to be near Yugyeom and could not even hold his hand without the youngest acting strangely. “I'll teach you only what you want to know…”

Yugyeom looked at Jaebeom's lips. Too close.

He felt his stomach twisted and his heart racing.

He looked directly into Jaebeom's eyes as the older man began to close his face, making his lips touch lightly the sensation caused a spasm in Yugyeom's body.

“Hyung!” the boy whispered before he felt his lips on his, warm and tender. For a brief moment, Yugyeom likened the feel of marshmallow to his mouth. Jaebeom's lips were soft, warm, and smelled like sweet strawberry. “Hyung…”

Jaebeom placed one hand on the back of Yugyeom's neck and another in his hair ready to deepen the kiss. When he dared to create a passage between the younger lips, he felt his body being pushed.

For some reason, Yugyeom seemed to be in shock.

“Yugyeomie-”

“Why did you do that?” Kim Yugyeom yelled, wiping his mouth. He could taste blood. Maybe Jaebeom had bitten him unintentionally as he brushed them brutally away from the kiss. The older man's eyes widened at the expression of pain on the boy’s face. “I said I wasn’t ready to rush things! Why cannot you just listen to me and keep everything as it is for a while?”

“Yugyeom...” Jaebeom whispered sheepishly. “I thought you'd like to try it now. Sorry”.

“Why would I want to try to kiss you?” the younger one yell-whisper without realizing what he was really saying. “What the fuck, I don’t want your fucking tongue in my mouth, dude!”

“Ah-”

“Fuck. What made you think such shit?”

Lim Jaebeom knew of the beginning that it would not be easy, that he would probably get hurt because Kim Yugyeom was _experimenting_ while he was already sure about what he wanted for his life.

But hearing that was cruel.

“The fact that you agreed to date me... that made me think that maybe you would want to try… ah”.

Yugyeom looked away.

He had completely forgotten that he had agreed to date Jaebeom.

It was something so unusual in his life, so surreal that he had completely forgotten.

“But I thought you could understand…” Yugyeom shrugged with a deep sigh. “You cannot expect me to feel comfortable about you kissing me that way hyung. It’s too soon!”

Jaebeom laughed.

“Too soon? Why?” he wanted to know. “I mean, we can cuddle when you're tired... I can hold your hand under the table when you want, can do the things you ask me to do, but cannot I kiss you when I feel like it?”

Yugyeom could not believe it.

He knew it wasn’t fair on several levels, but he had been sincere in telling Jaebeom that he wasn’t comfortable with many things that involved a relationship because being with a man wasn’t common to him. So it was not fair that the old one was throwing all that stuff in his face.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Jaebeom shouted angrily. “I'm with you from this fucking six-and-a-half weeks Yugyeom. This is almost two months and you act as if I asked you to date me yesterday?”

Yugyeom licked his lips and rolled his eyes. Jaebeom stood in his direction, trying to hold the boy by the fists as he walked away irritated with that entire situation.

“If you touch me again...” Yugyeom threatened, running his hands through his sweaty gray hair. Jaebeom looked at his feet and bite his lip, not knowing what the boy wanted anymore. “I cannot... you cannot have a little more patience with me? I mean… this is how women feel when men ignore when they say no to them?” he asked to himself, making Jaebeom want to giggle. He could be angry, but he understood him. “I agreed to date you because you are the person who understands me the most these last times... do not make me think I was wrong”.

Jaebeom knows this. He knows that Yugyeom likes him in some way, but that everything is very new to him. He sigh.

“I just need a little more time hyung”.

**\- c -**

After a few more sweets talks, Lim Jaebeom and Kim Yugyeom made up. The younger even laid a kiss on the older man's cheek before they both left the VIP room, each with a different exit.

In the middle of the dance floor, Yugyeom came face to face with Noa, who was visibly drunk. He approached his friend.

“Fuck you hyung. Are you drunk for real?”

“ _Ne!”_

“Geez. I'll take you home-”

Yugyeom had no time to think.

Noa turned to him, his arms wrapped around the younger man's neck and his lips quickly attacked Yugyeom’s mouth. It was the third tongue kiss he received. If the kiss Jaebeom had tried to give him a few hours earlier counted as a real kiss... then that was the fucking third homosexual tongue kiss that Kim Yugyeom had received from someone.

Yugyeom shoved Noa, he was within a stone's throw of punching his friend when he spotted Park Jinyoung right behind the Japanese. He didn’t know why, but he opened his mouth ready to argue about that scene when Noa tried to kiss him again.

It was Jinyoung who held the Japanese, shouting to one of the security guards with a waiter who passed them to take his guest back to the table where they were sitting.

“Jinyoung-ssi…”

“Tell a man named Jackson Wang that I asked him to take this boy home. The address will arrive on his phone in a few minutes.” Jinyoung ignored Yugyeom, watching the man help the woman guide Noa to the table. When they were alone, Jinyoung grabbed Kim Yugyeom's fist and pulled him between people.

Jinyoung let go of Yugyeom only when they were already out of everyone's reach, in a hall where he, Jackson, Mark, and Heejin used to sit when they don’t want to jump and listen to loud music anymore.

“Before you say anything, you have nothing to do with my fucking private life!” Yugyeom was saying, unable to respect whatever Jinyoung's authority he thinks we have against the boy. “You don’t know what you've seen, so be careful what you say to me now”.

“I don’t care about who you exchange your saliva.” Jinyoung laughed angrily, folding his arms. “But you need to understand that there are moments… You cannot announce your participation in my film and on the same day shows up on a TV show for kissing another guy!” He complained. “Some of your fans are already afraid of being influenced and if someone had taken a pic of you with that guy? They were going to crucify Jackson and me because of that”.

Yugyeom scratched the back of his neck.

“Yeah… I know!” he says without lowering his guard. He was as surprised as Jinyoung. “I don’t know what got into him... but I can assure you it was not on purpose. He's just really drunk”.

Jinyoung sighed.

“I'll be honest with you…” he says to Yugyeom, unable to wait for the right moment. “Jackson and I are worried. Things seem confusing between you and Jaebeom, now this dude... can you please explain to me what's really going on with your life?”

Yugyeom opened and closed his mouth a few times.

He wasn’t going to say that he was with Jaebeom, but he didn’t know how to lie either. He knew that the older man had changed with him in front of the others, Bambam had said something about it and Jungkook too. So he won't really know what to say to Jinyoung now.

“Jaebeom likes a friend of mine.” Yugyeom shrugged. “That's why we're so close theses days. It's a famous person, I can’t say the name but I'm trying hard to make both works... even though this friend isn’t sure if he really likes men”.

Jinyoung frowned.

He doesn’t believe in him. Jaebeom had a steady career and a great history in relation to his relationships. He didn’t believe the man would need Yugyeom to measure a possible romantic interest.

“Let me get this straight…” but the decision to see how far the boy would go to maintain that performance. “Your friend is confused about his sexual orientation and instead of helping him understand his feelings you are trying to get him a boyfriend?”

Yugyeom hadn’t thought that way.

Yujin had said that the best way to get rid of the doubt was to give it a chance but Yugyeom hadn’t even had time to understand how he felt about being a responsible adult for his own choices... when would he have time to understand his own feelings if he had a relationship with Jaebeom?

The boy scratched his head.

“I'm not criticizing you or criticizing Jaebeom here. You both are adults and know what decisions to make, but thinking about how it was for Jackson when he met Mark in high school... I think the best thing to do for a friend at those times isn’t getting a boyfriend”.

“I know”.

“Did you?” Jinyoung asks, look into Yugyeom’s eyes. “I don’t think so, for me it looks like you're trying to make your friend use Jaebeom as an experiment”.

“What?” Yugyeom shook his head. “That's not it! I'm not trying to make Jaebeom hyung an experiment, I just...” he stopped when realizing that he was almost admitting that there was no friend, that he was the one who was trying to understand what he felt. Yugyeom rolled his eyes impatiently. “They're just getting to know each other”.

Jinyoung nodded patiently.

More than ever, he was sure that something was wrong. Maybe Mark was just wrong to say that the problem was with mrs. Kang, because it seemed to be a bit deeper than a simple problem between mother and son. It’s something more.

“Anyway…” the man sigh. “I hope you three know what you're doing, Yugyeom-ssi.” Jinyoung said. “And about your friend Noa, please, don’t let this shit happen in public again for our own good”.

“Jinyoung-ssi…” Kim Yugyeom studied the older man's expression with an anxious look in his face. “You know I'm not gay right? That kiss that Noa give to me? This isn’t something normal with us”.

The older man nodded, sending Yugyeom smile again.

Jinyoung watches Yugyeom look after Jackson, do ask about his drunkest dear friend. He sniffs. The old man sat down next to Jackson Wang, who was concentrating on his conversation with Jungkook.

Jinyoung's brown eyes met Jaebeom and Yugyeom, they are having a fervent conversation and the young man kept pointing to Noa, who was lying on one of the couches.

“Why you don’t send him home?”

“Huh?” Jackson looks to Jinyoung, then to Noa. “Ah. He says that he wants to wait for Yugyeom… don’t really know. He just lies there. Why?”

Jinyoung giggles to his friend.

“Your beloved actors?” Jinyoung said into Jackson's ear. “They are having an affair, Sseun-ah”.

Kim Yugyeom could have sworn to stand together that nothing was happening, but Park Jinyoung had lived long enough to realize the details when it came to the hidden secrets from people. He could see on Yugyeom's face that the friend he is talking about was himself.

Jinyoung smile, lick his wet lips:

“And that boy over there” he points to Noa. “Are going to end up fucking with everything”.


	12. cannot you love me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have this feeling that you believe it's your fault, so you deserve what happened in the past and what's happening now, but...” Kim Yugyeom could be a few years younger than Jinyoung, he could never have been betrayed in his love life but he understood the meaning of having conflicts with the person you love most. He had watched his parents' marriage closely enough to understand that nothing was enough to validate a betrayal. “But it's not your fault. You guys having financial problems isn’t an excuse for her cheating on you. Whatever's happening right now isn’t a motive either. What I mean is... maybe you should just let her go to instead keeping waiting”.
> 
> “No. I'm not waiting-”
> 
> “You're waiting and I don’t blame you for that.” Yugyeom sighed taking a last sip of the wine, getting up to leave. “It must be hard to forget someone who has been on your side for so long... but maybe you should”.

**\- i -**

Kim Yugyeom leaned against the doorframe when he arrived at his friend's studio in Busan. He kept his eyes fixed on the movements they made while rehearsing a new play, how they laughed at one another for some stupid mistake and he wondered if he didn’t really miss doing that with them… he misses them or not?

When he was young, Yugyeom always felt suffocated by all the attention he received, by the things he had to endure and do for the sake of his public career. Of course, things improved a bit when the company accepted his terms to continue the contract, when Sehun began to organize his life and career things have improved a bit... but it was still not enough. He couldn’t breathe in front of so many cameras.

The most relief in Kim Yugyeom’s life was to meet Noa in some Busan's suburb. The boy was running away from his appointments, his phone was ringing non-stop and Noa had to be bothered by this because they were in public transport and Yugyeom was bothering everyone.

They fought because Kim Yugyeom was rude enough to not care about other people problems, he just wanted to relieve the stress away from the cameras... he ended up getting off the subway with a friend.

It was when things started to get lighter, it was still not easy to breathe, but it was lighter. All he had to do was get on a train and leave Seoul to calm his mind. All she had to do was enter AGE studio to forget all the problems of his poor life.

“Oh. Yugyeomie?” he just needed to see Dino's smile or Woozi's ugly faces to feel better. The actor walked away from the door, pulling his hands from his pockets to wave to the younger, who ran to him with a huge smile. “Ya hyung, you promised to come to visit last month and did not come!”

“My bad”.

“Huh, just because you're back famous, you forgot your poor friends, did not you?” Dino teased his lips with a pout just because he knew he always got a friendlier smile from Yugyeom when he acted like a cute child. “You should be ashamed to appear after so long hyung”.

“Ya!” S.Coups yell to the younger, pulling him by the neck. “Why do not you stop dramatizing and say you missed him? We know you cry because you miss your hyung so bad, just admit it”.

“Hyung!” Dino shout, getting rid of S.Coups tightness, who laughed and rolled his eyes to Yugyeom. “I don’t miss liars”.

“He wrote you like fifteen anonymous comments on your fan page telling how much he missed you.” Woozi whispered, sticking his tongue out as he heard Dino shout at him. “What? I'm just talking about what I saw”.

Yugyeom put a hand on Dino's blond hair:

“So you're the one who keeps writing about missing me?” he had not actually read the recent comments, but Sehun had said that someone let some comments as if he knew Yugyeom for real. “I'm sorry I didn’t come to see you before, hyung is really busy but I missed you too”.

Woozi rolls his eyes, saying that Dino would probably no longer shut up because he had received a comment from Yugyeom. Everyone knew that the boy was an authentic fan of Kim Yugyeom's career, he had seen everything the older man had done and even had cried when Noa brought him for the first time.

“Did you miss him only?”

Yugyeom nodded toward the sound, pressing his lips together as he met Noa's smirk. He stopped what he was doing in Dino’s hair:

“I know that I don’t show up for some time, I promise that things will improve and I will show up from the next shows…” the actor says knowing that S.Coups would understand the message, that he needed to talk alone with Noa. “But today I came just to talk to Noa hyung”.

“Why? Why he's more special than-”

“We'll be here when you have time and come back!” S.Coups interrupted Woozi, holding the boy by the fist. “I'm going to tell Vernon that you've been here today. He'll be happy”.

“What!” Dino complained about being pulled by S.Coups. “But... ah, but I wanted to talk to Yugyeom hyung!”

Noa laughed as the younger ones were dragged away, but he grew serious because his friend didn’t seem genuinely happy to see him.

Yugyeom pointed to the door and waited for Noa to walk past it.

They got into the actor's luxurious car, which was too hidden behind the building where the studio was.

“You are ignoring me”.

“No, I'm not.” Noa answered calmly as if he really could lie. Yugyeom smiled without humor. “I just didn’t have time to answer your messages”.

“Why?” he wanted to know. “Too much to think about after kissing me out of nowhere?”

Noa nudged the inside of his cheek with the tip of his tongue. The silence was really suffocating, like when Yugyeom was younger and everything seemed to be squeezing his lungs, biting him to breathe right.

He had repeated to himself repeatedly that Noa was too drunk, that the kiss had been a sudden madness... but the more Noa ignored him, more he was certain that something was out of place.

“You've been my best friend for a year, hyung.” he whispered without actually looking at Noa. “We’re never more than good friends, so what the hell was that for?”

“I do not know.” it was a lie. Yugyeom didn’t know that, but Noa was lying. He had begun to lie awhile when he began to question his feelings for the younger. “I was too drunk, I don’t know why I did it”.

Yugyeom looked at him.

“So why didn’t you answer my calls? There is already a week, you ignored my messages and calls, we could just have talked and solved the situation”.

Noa laughed.

It was frustrating.

When younger he always said that his sister was stupid to suffer for someone who could not return her feelings, that she should just forget and move on. However, the first thing he did when he met Kim Yugyeom was to make the same mistake as his sister.

“Cannot you love me?”

Yugyeom opened and closed his mouth.

He did not know why, but he had always had the feeling that Noa had something to tell him whenever they were alone. It was something about his eyes and about how he faced Yugyeom... as if he wanted to confess something when no one was watching. So it hadn’t been a surprise to him, it had just been uncomfortable.

“Hyung-”

“Why not?” Noa asked seriously, turning to Yugyeom. “I know you've known for some time now...” he whispered the last part, swallowing his saliva. “You knew I liked you, right?”

“Would it change anything?”

“Of course it would!” Noa shout, knocking on the dashboard. He looked out the window for a long moment. “It would have been easier just to forget if you had told me it would never happen, but no, instead you kept holding me close and-”

“I didn’t have to say the fucking obvious, Noa!” Yugyeom interrupted him, using his angry tone to prove his point. “When I gave you to understand that your feelings could be reciprocal? Because if I remember well, we never talked about it and even if we did, it's very public that I like women”.

It might not be entirely true since Yugyeom was 'dating' Lim Jaebeom… who was a man. However, he couldn’t assume that his feelings could be different now because he wasn’t entirely sure what he felt for real. Was he fond of any man or was he just curious about Jaebeom for being in a gay movie with him?

He didn’t know, so he couldn’t say that Noa was right to have hope.

“I think it was wrong of me to assume things were different now that I was in that movie.” Noa shrugged. The worst part was that Yugyeom's head was different but confused. He was with Jaebeom but he wasn’t sure if he wanted it for real. “I'm so sorry”.

Yugyeom sighed deeply.

He liked to talk to Noa and his friends, but he had never been able to have a deep conversation about life and feelings. This was the first moment in a year that they had such depth and seriousness conversation. So he didn’t know what position to take... should he tall Noa to not feel bad for having feelings for him? Should he say that Noa was crazy about wanting to kiss him when he was confused about Jaebeom?

What should Yugyeom do?

“Let's just forget this…” forgetting was the only thing besides acting that Kim Yugyeom was good. He had forgotten countless things that hurt him and confused him. All he had to do was convince Noa to forget it too for their own good. It was simple. “Please hyung, let’s forget”.

It wasn’t what the Japanese wanted, but losing Yugyeom friendship is sadder than have his love for now. He nodded.

“Okay Yugyeom-ah” Noa whispered as he turned to his friend. He wanted to be able to tear his own heart out of making the mistake of falling in love with Kim Yugyeom. “Let's just forget about it”.

**— ■ —**

“Yugyeomie oppa!” Yerim screamed as she threw herself into his brother's arms. He looked startled at his father, who laughed at his son's surprised expression. “ _Annyeong_ oppa”.

“Oh!” Yugyeom projected his chin like a child, squeezing Yerim into his arms. He bowed his head as his father motioned for him to approach, letting the man kiss his gray hair. “What are you doing here?”

“Yerim kept filling me saying he wanted to see her big brother today, so…” Kwang-min sighed, putting his arms behind his back, watching the girl shows her tongue. “I had to bring her or the house would get burned by this little brat”.

“ _Appa!”_ Yerim complained, making the ugliest expression she knew. One of the things Yugyeom had taught his sister. Mr. Kim rolled his eyes and looked over his son's shoulder, watching some people he knew from TV. “He keeps telling me that he came because of me, but he never stopped talking about that woman... ah, what's her name? That beautiful _ahjumma_ you made a drama with oppa”.

“Ahjumma? What ahjumma?” Yugyeom looked at his father. “Ye-Jin ahjumma?” he raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “For real dad? I think your platonic love for her was over when _eomeonim*_ threatened to burn all your autographed photos”.

Yugyeom's father put his hands in his pockets and pretended not to listen, yet he could hear his children laughing.

“Your _mother_ doesn’t need to know I came here for this.” the man said to them with a shrug. “By the way, when mrs. Im arrives?”

Yugyeom looked at his sister, his eyes twisted, whispering that his father had no shame for saying that when he knew Bora would probably hit him.

“When you get home...” Yugyeom whispered in Yerim's ear. “Do me a favor? Tell _eomeonim_ that dad was here just to see Yejin ahjumma and that he said she would never know, so that was okay”.

“Yugyeom!” Mr. Kim shouted. “Don’t say these things to your sister for God’s sake, you know she does everything you say.” the man complained, taking the girl from her brother's arms. “Don’t listen to him”.

“I was going to talk omma anyway, dad”.

The man looked at the girl with a tired expression, as if he wanted to beat them because they always mess whit him. He rolled his eyes and followed Yugyeom, who introduced them to everyone and made them comfortable next to Jackson and Jinyoung because he had to record the first scenes of the day with Bambam and Joy.

As Yugyeom got ready, Yerim laughed at a joke Jinyoung said in her ear about his brother and exchanged some docile words with Jackson, who gave him a strawberry jam.

“He's very good, is not he?” Yerim asked Jinyoung softly because the man had said they couldn’t make too much noise or their voices would come out on the tape and they would have to repeat the scene one more time. “My brother is the best”.

Jackson stroked the girl's hair:

“Huh, I agree, he's the best at what he does”.

Yerim nodded with a smile, turning to Jinyoung:

“You agree _sam-chon_?” Yerim pressed her lips.

“Sam-chon?” Jinyoung looks at the girl. “Why I am sam-chon and Jackson is oppa, Yerim-ah? I’m not that old to be an uncle”.

“Because Gyeomie oppa don’t like you, but it just because you don't like him too. I don’t understand why, I find weird because my brother is very cool and funny…” the nine-year-old girl blabbered out, making her dad smile embarrassed as he tried to make her shut up. “I'm just saying what he says”.

Mr. Kim pursed his lips after apologizing for his daughter's intrusion. Yugyeom had said horrible things about Jinyoung in front of Yerim knowing that the girl had a tongue bigger than her mouth, of course she would end up telling someone... and that someone was Jinyoung himself:

“He also said you're sour.” she laughed softly. “And you don’t like him because you’re probably jealous- _ouch_! Appa... it hurt!”

“Sorry. I am really sorry about that...” mr. Kim smiled sheepishly, pulling her daughter into his lap as he placed a hand on her mouth. “Just pretend it never happened, mr. Park. Your movie is wonderful!”

**\- c -**

“So you think I’m sour?”

Yugyeom looked up at Park Jinyoung's voice. He took the lollipop out of his mouth and thought briefly about the comment.

When had he said that?

“Your sister eventually let slip that her older brother thinks I'm jealous of his career…” Jinyoung asked, flexing his cheeks at the end, looking at some pictures hanging on the wall of the set where Yugyeom was at that moment. He looked directly at the boy. “That I am sour”.

Yugyeom gritted his teeth.

“I'm going to kill that little brat myself…” he whispered, but Jinyoung could hear clearly, which made him laugh. The younger sighed deeply, knowing he had to make the good boy for Jinyoung, because any slip could harm him in the film, but sometimes it was impossible to contain his personality. “Yes, I did say that”.

“Ah, you admit it?”

“Of course.” Yugyeom nodded, getting the lollipop back into his mouth. He pushed the candy away with his tongue, placing it inside his cheek. “I think you're jealous of my career and you're a sour person Jinyoung-ssi”.

Jinyoung couldn’t believe what the younger one was talking with him in that way. How could he be so brave to be so rude to him?

The older man laughed, putting his hand over his mouth.

“You're more childish than I could think...” he whispered with a giggle, wiping the corner of his eyes. Yugyeom didn’t know why but he wanted to laugh too. Maybe because the way Jinyoung laughed was funny, maybe because it was new to hear him laugh at something the younger had said. “Do you have any appointments today?”

Kim Yugyeom had promised Lim Jaebeom that they would dine together at the elder's house.

“Don’t think so”.

“Great.” Jinyoung put his hands in his pockets. “I'll take you out to dinner tonight”.

“What?”

“We were invited to an event.” the elder explains, relieved the idea of 'dining together' from the youngest's heart. “Unfortunately we're going to be just Jackson and his boyfriend, Jungkook and Youngjae... you and me for this.” Park Jinyoung fixed his eyes on Yugyeom. “The rest of the cast has other events scheduled for tonight in relation to the film and ah, Jaebeom is busy with a personal commitment, so you're going to be my date tonight Yugyeom-ssi”.

He wanted to withdraw what he had said because he realized that Lim Jaebeom's personal commitment was the dinner they had arranged for the night, but Park Jinyoung was always straight and then he leaves.

The boy was left alone before he could even formulate an excuse.

“Shit!”

**\- ii –**

“... what else can you say about the movie?”

“We’re having a lot of fun.” Jackson Wang was certainly a TV star. Because of him, they had not even left the red carpet because everyone wanted to talk to Bloodsport’s director. “I think what has been most gratifying is working with this wonderful cast…” he said pointing to Jungkook, Youngjae, and Yugyeom, who were giving interviews to other channels. “Not to mention that having the writer with us is fantastic!”

“I paid him to say that.” Jinyoung laughed without looking at the camera because the lights always bothered his eyes. “But it's true, it's been an incredible work with everyone. We recorded 40% of the film and we plan to end it all soon... I think fans will love it”.

“I'm sure of it, the popularity sites…” some men pushed the woman the instant Kim Yugyeom approached them. “Hello, mrs. Kim. Can you give us a word too?”

“Yeah. Of course.” the actor said with a smile, standing between Jackson and Jinyoung. “Thank you for coming to see us, I can say in the name of our cast that this event is a great opportunity to promote this movie”.

Everyone laughed. Yugyeom was a peacock when it came to giving a show to the cameras. His mother had trained him well.

“It's a pleasure to be covering this event, but...” she licked her lips, amazed. “Do you have anything to say about the news that came out this afternoon about your involvement with an unknown man?”

Yugyeom's mind went blank for a nanosecond.

He did not know what the woman was talking about.

“That's you, right?” she asked when her assistant showed the tablet screen to Yugyeom, where a picture of him hugging Noa made him smile quietly. “The rumors about you being in this movie to come out to the public about your sexuality are true?”

“I don’t know why people are forced to explain their sexuality to everyone…” Yugyeom laughed, feeling a pinch on his arm. He ignored Jinyoung's serious look. “But I consider the work we are doing with this film as beyond transcending the sexuality status. I think people know me long enough to understand that I would never use a work in my own favor like that.” Park Jinyoung swallowed. He had almost said a cardiac arrest when he thought that Yugyeom would use brutality to respond to the woman. “About the photo... yes, it's me. This one next to me is a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, I cannot say the name because he's not a public person but I can guarantee to my fans and viewers that I have fantastic friends who help me in the worst and best moments of my life”.

The next question was about the comments surrounding the possibility of influence that the film could have on the younger and inexperienced actors, as well as on Yugyeom, who answer in a funny way and had Jungkook's help. When they decided they were tired of being pinned and placed against the wall, they said good-bye to their fans, saying that everyone should wait anxiously for the film and went to their respective places.

“You're cold.” Jackson whispered to Yugyeom, asking Mark to give him a napkin. “Who was that with you?”

“Noa hyung.” Yugyeom swallowed his saliva, pressing the back of his hand on his hot cheek. His hands were cold, but his face was on fire. He had been careful to visit Noa, to hug Noa. How had that picture been taken without him noticing? “I'm sorry about this Jinyoung-ssi, I know what you think about us mess with your movie, but we’re just-”

“You just said you don’t understand why people need to explain themselves…” Jinyoung stopped him. “Why are you doing this if you have clarified everything? He is your friend. It is normal to hug our friends”.

“Exactly.” Mark, whom Yugyeom had loved to meet, said with a welcoming smile. “Don’t listen to people. Some of them are too ignorant to understand that the world is different and that men cry, laugh, and hug other men”.

“Without the need to be gay.” Youngjae say.

“Yes. Without being gay.” Mark laughed at the younger. “Just enjoy your evening and improve that ugly expression. They're going to film the event... you don’t want to get ugly in the shoots, do you?”

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I've never been ugly in anything”.

**\- c -**

“Yugyeom-ssi?” Jinyoung called as he watched the boy prepare to get out of his car with Jungkook. “Can you go somewhere with me?”

“Now? Why?” the youngest asked, looking at the watch on his phone, then at Jungkook. He had plans to play with him. “It's important?”

“Huh.” the older man nodded, feeling Jackson's confused look on his side. “I'll leave these two at home” he said referring to his friends. “And after that, I want to show you something...” he dared to look at Jackson, the Chinese looked confused. “It’s for your character. Is important”.

“What are you talking about?” Jackson whispered even though Yugyeom could hear him. “What is important?”

“You can come?” Jinyoung ignored his friend and Mark, who had become interested in the conversation. “I'll leave you at home later”.

Yugyeom looked at Jungkook with a sad expression and apologized, putting his seat belt back on.

Park Jinyoung looked at the boy’s reflection in the rearview mirror. Yugyeom looked back at the phone that kept notifying messages and calls from Jaebeom. He sighed deeply.

After leaving Jackson and Mark - against the Chinese will - Jinyoung asked Yugyeom to sit in the front seat with him. They stopped about 40 minutes later, in front of a condominium.

“Who lives here?” Yugyeom asked as they entered the huge apartment. “Wow, it seems like an expensive place”.

“You can say that this is my third most expensive property until now…” Jinyoung laughed, throwing the key in the corner. Yugyeom looked at him. “I live here”.

“Ah... okay?” the younger one frowned. “And why we’re here? Are you going to give me a moral lesson about how I answer the reporters earlier? Or will you talk about being irresponsible to the point of being photographed with the guy who kissed me?”

Jinyoung didn’t answer.

He just went to his kitchen and drank a glass of water, leaving Yugyeom alone in the living room. The eldest took so long that the young man simply let himself be overcome by curiosity and began to look at all the photos that were scattered around the room.

“You fucking asshole!” Yugyeom screamed as he stumbled across Jinyoung as he turned to see another photo. He glared at the older man in front of him. “What do you want with me, Jinyoung-ssi?”

“Sit down with me” Jinyoung said, showing a book to the youngest. Yugyeom bites his tongue. “I want to show you something”.

He sighed deeply and followed the writer, sitting down on the couch in front of him. Jinyoung rolled his eyes and went to Yugyeom:

“Do you remember the manuscript I lent you?” the younger one nodded. “I realized there were pages missing, details that might be important for you to understand some of Yohan’s thoughts.” he explained opening the book, taking some pages out of it. “It's information, loose situations, and complementary scenes... things like that”.

Yugyeom raised an eyebrow.

“That's it?” he asked. “That’s the important thing? Couldn’t you wait until tomorrow to give it to me? Did you have to do this at 4:50 am?”

“What… is it so late already?”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes as he threw himself on Jinyoung's couch.

“God please kill me!”

Jinyoung scratched the back of his neck because he hadn’t really realized that it was so late when he asked Yugyeom to come with him to his apartment. The older man sighed and apologized.

“It’s okay. I just need an uber”.

“No. I can drive you home”.

“No need. Noona must leave her job at any moment, right? I heard that she is a resident at the central hospital, so you should probably wait for her-”

“You call her _noona_?” Jinyoung looks at Yugyeom. “Really?”

“She asks me to call her that way…”

Park Jinyoung snort, biting his cheeks.

“She's not coming back. Heejin isn’t coming home today… or should I say she was maybe never come back?”

Yugyeom sat up straight, looking directly at Jinyoung.

They weren’t close. Jinyoung probably knew almost what Yugyeom’s fans knew about him from the news that always coming out, and he was happy about it. That way he had felt impelled to ask something about Jinyoung’s life.

“Why not?” he spoke before his brain contained his sneaky thoughts about the men life. “I'm sorry. I should not have-”

“She's cheating on me.” Jinyoung answer before he could finish as if it were the most normal thing to say. He leafed through the pages slowly, reading some notes in Do Heejin's handwriting. She was at his side when he made that manuscript. “Life is funny, don’t you think? I write novels that always end with a couple in a beautiful life, but the truth is that I cannot even maintain my own relationship”.

“That’s bullshit”.

“Huh?” Jinyoung looked at the younger boy. “What did you say?”

“I say… that’s bullshit.” Yugyeom says again, taking the pages of the elder hands. “You don’t need to be loved to write about love”.

“I was loved”.

“It's a past verb...” the younger one whisper without taking his eyes off the calligraphy he already knew well. “She loved you in the past because if it was in the present she would not have cheated on you”.

“She cheating on me before”.

Yugyeom laughed.

“Fuck dude…” he giggles, looking directly into Jinyoung's eyes. The older man didn’t look offended. Maybe angry at the boy's informality, but not offended. “Are not you good in bed?”

Jinyoung took back what he had thought. He was offended.

“It's hard to say, I've never slept with myself...” he replied rudely, with an angry expression. “Do you want to try and see it for me?”

Kim Yugyeom was trying to get used to Lim Jaebeom’s sweet words, however, he had never heard words as hard and direct as those.

He felt his face heat up in an instant, his heart racing and his fists clenching to pound Jinyoung in the face because of his dirty tongue.

But the older man laughed.

“You look like someone with fragile masculinity.” Jinyoung sighed, getting up. “I don’t understand how you can give such good answers in your interview and act so ugly around me”.

“Maybe because you're an idiot?”

“Oh…” Jinyoung glanced at him. “Do you think is that why Heejin left me again?”

Yugyeom swallowed.

He hated when people cheating on their partner.

Every time he heard that word, he remembered what his mother had done to his father. What she had done to get the man to ask for a divorce, even after he had endured years of madness.

“Maybe she’s just a broken person…” he whispered more to himself than to Jinyoung. “Or maybe you're really stupid. You said she'd cheated on you before… why do you still with her after this?”

“Do you want a glass of wine?” Jinyoung asked heading toward the place where he and Heejin used to store their imported drinks. Yugyeom nodded and looked back at the papers. He didn’t know why, but he felt he would have a long conversation with Jinyoung... so wine was good. When the older man came back, handing the glass to him, he sighed before replying: “I must be an idiot for believing too much in love”.

“Is that so?”

“Huh”.

“Don’t know. But why did she cheating on you before?”

“We had a lot of bills back then” Jinyoung sighed. Yugyeom had read that at the beginning of the men's career, he had financial problems and was depressed. “I couldn’t feel happy and ended mess with her mind and let her unhappy. Heejin had to work for two even with my work…”

Yugyeom swallowed the wine.

“That's not a motive”.

“No?”

“No”.

They looked at each other.

Jinyoung didn’t know why, but he wanted to smile. Maybe because he didn’t expect to hear Yugyeom speak as if he were on his side, maybe because he was sad enough to laugh until he began to really cry because he was feeling miserable by someone who always ended up stepping on his heart.

But he wanted to smile.

“I have this feeling that you believe it's your fault, so you deserve what happened in the past and what's happening now, but...” Kim Yugyeom could be a few years younger than Jinyoung, he could never have been betrayed in his love life but he understood the meaning of having conflicts with the person you love most. He had watched his parents' marriage closely enough to understand that nothing was enough to validate a betrayal. “But it's not your fault. You guys having financial problems isn’t an excuse for her cheating on you. Whatever's happening right now isn’t a motive either. What I mean is... maybe you should just let her go to instead keeping waiting”.

“No. I'm not waiting-”

“You're waiting and I don’t blame you for that.” Yugyeom sighed taking a last sip of the wine, getting up to leave. “It must be hard to forget someone who has been on your side for so long... but maybe you should”.

_*Eomeonim: is similar to ‘mother’. It is a loving way of calling someone else's mother, or your stepmother._

_*Sam-chon: means uncle. In this case, I chose to use this honorific because Jinyoung isn’t too old, but because her brother said he didn’t like Jinyoung, Yerim decided to call him a bit formal._


	13. let’s just be friends… okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am sorry... hyung.” the word sounded low, sad as if it were a promise being broken. “But can we only be good friends, please? I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought that would be the right thing for both of us. Maybe I didn’t think straight, but now I am sure... I cannot lose the best friend I've had in years. Please? Let's just go back to being like we were at the beginning of everything. I cannot-”
> 
> “It's okay Yugyeomie.” Jaebeom finally whispered, hugging the boy back. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he had been too insistent, that he might risk heartbreak for Yugyeom, that he was an experiment while the younger one was a concrete certainty to him. He knew he was the biggest guilty for everything. Despite being upset that he wanted to keep trying, he knew he had taken Kim Yugyeom to his limits. He sighed deeply and smoothed the boy's back. “Let's just be friends”.

**\- i -**

“ _Eomeonim_ , can I ask you something?” Yugyeom asked, rolling over in his stepmother's bed. The woman nodded, folding another piece of clothing. “Would you cheating on father?”

Kim Kwang-min, Yugyeom's father, had divorced from the boy's mother a few years ago. The decision wasn’t a shock to anyone, Kwang-min’s children and his parents are really happy about it. So a while later, mr. Kim started dating a woman named Moon Yu-bi It didn’t take them more than six months to get married.

Yerim was born after that.

“No. I don’t think I could betray your father like that.” Yubi smiled, taking a dress to bend. “I don’t know if you know about this, but I've always been in love with that silly man when we're in high school... of course I could never say that because your mother was the only woman in his life at that time, but I've always been waiting for him.” the woman smiled happily. Yugyeom knew this story, his father had told that Yubi had always been present in his life. Yugyeom always thought his father's biggest mistake was choosing the wrong person to love when he was young. “So, I would never cheat on him. He is the love of my life”.

If Yugyeom could figure out what it was like to love someone who hadn’t be forced into his life by his mother, he wanted to love that person the way Moon Yu-bi loved his father. He could see in her eyes how happy she was only to exist in the man's life before she had actually won his heart.

“It must have been hard to bear all those years” the boy whispered, lying on his belly, putting his chin on the pillow as he dared to watch his stepmother's cute smile. “But I'm really glad you guys got together”.

“Well,” Yubi laughed. “That wouldn’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for your mother you know”.

“Of course, if she hadn’t cheated on father maybe you'd never-”

“Not about that, dear.” mrs. Moon wave, saying that he didn’t need to think like that. “When... well, when that happened I was in LA. Your mother knew that Kwang-min would need a close friend to recover from the shock of the divorce. If she hadn’t called me, maybe I would never have known about them, I would never have been able to help your father get through it, your mother was the one that put us together”.

Yugyeom raised his head.

It was not possible. He’s stepmother couldn’t be serious, because of mrs. Kang wasn’t the kind of person who did self-acts for someone. She never showed any kind of good feeling for her husband while they were married, had never shown friendship or anything like that... so it wasn’t possible that she had been the cause of Kwang-min's happiness.

“Omma?” the boy asked confused, sitting up and crossing his long legs. “That cannot be possible... right? Did she call you?”

“Huh.” Yubi nodded. “Your mother called me, she said that I should know that Kwang-min needed his best friend now that he was divorced. I came back to Korea a month later because she kept insisting that he was miserable and needed someone who reminded him of the good times.” the woman sighed deeply as if remembering the past was crazy. Yugyeom opened and closed his mouth several times. He was totally confused. He never could see his mother as someone who could think of someone besides herself. “I know it's hard to believe, but that's what happened. Your mother joined me with your father... if it were not for her we wouldn’t have a family now”.

“How is it possible? She cheated on him with his best friend!”

“I don’t know. I mean, loving someone is... complicated for some people. I never doubted from her love, but... things were complicated back then. She suffered for many years and... I think that, at some point, she doesn’t understand anymore how to show love to someone. But I'm sure that your mother still loves your father somehow Yugyeom, or she would not have called me”.

**\- c -**

Yubi's words continued to echo in Kim Yugyeom's mind for a long time. Every time he saw his mother, he thought about what his stepmother had told him. The boy always decided to choose not to believe in everything because Yubi used to try to soften things for her husband's children as if it were her duty to make their existence less complicated. However, there were times when Yugyeom found himself wondering if his stepmother might even be telling the truth.

He wondered why his mother had made everyone's life so difficult if she could love someone as brilliant as Kwang-min. The boy also wondered if it was possible she still love him after all the years of madness.

He even wanted to have a mature conversation with mrs. Kang, but he lost all hope when the woman screams about him needing to see a psychologist because of the movie he was making.

But against his will, Yugyeom’s thoughts intensified as he saw Jinyoung in that week, after the event that had led them to a friendly and personal conversation for the first time in months.

The recordings of that day seem more simple, the atmosphere seemed more cheerful and light for some reason that no one could understand. The weeks went on like this, with the cast playing with each other between the recordings, with Bambam and Youngjae sleeping at Yugyeom's house so they could get ready for the trio scenes. With Joy and Jungkook fighting over a silly reason but making up after all. With Jackson proud for his work and Jinyoung... and Jinyoung happy.

He looked happy for Yugyeom.

The only thing that seemed wrong during that week was how much Yugyeom was missing Jaebeom, who was recording in another location that week with Sana because they had to mount the flashbacks about Woojin's past life whit is family.

 **to: hyung**  
I don’t know why but I miss you.

 **from: hyung**  
It would be strange if you didn’t miss your boyfriend!

Yugyeom looked at the message for a while before being summoned to complete his next scene with Jeon Jungkook, with whom he laughed and spoiled the first few shots before Jackson fought and asked them to focus. By the end of the day, Kim Yugyeom was exhausted and all he wanted was to take a hot shower and listen to some music.

After taking a shower in the locker room and put some comfortable outfit, he sat down to wait for Sehun and took the time to check his messages. Jaebeom had sent him three more messages, one of them is a picture of him making a sad face with the caption 'I miss my boyfriend too’.

The boy rolled his eyes and went through the direct chat, not bothering to respond to him. He checked some messages from fans in the inbox, which he wasn’t allowed to answer without Sehun's supervision, and his mother, who asked him to check the email that a foreign director had sent to the boy.

 **@_dandelion** you have a message from _@thissoul_die_.

Yugyeom licked his lips and opened the inbox of his virtual friend in his fake account. That user, who had asked to be called Saya, was talking with Yugyeom for about three months now. They exchanged many messages. Many messages.

The boy, Yugyeom believed to be a boy since he had asked to be called Saya, referring to the anime Blood+ character Saya Otonashi, had sent a photo of the sunset with the caption 'you should go out a bit and see the sun'. Yugyeom smiled, but the message had been four hours ago. He couldn’t see the sun anymore. However, the boy just picked up his backpack and went up to the terrace, where he could have a clear view of the sky at that time of night.

He focused on the moon with the lens of the phone, a white dot in the middle of the starless darkness, and hit a photo.

_@thissoul_die is typing...._

Yugyeom squeezed his lower lip between his fingers, watching the bars continue as if the boy took too long to send his reply.

 **|23:56 pm:** Whoa! I wish I could see the moon from a place as beautiful as this...

 **|23:57 pm:** the sky is so dark that the world even seems more silent from this image.

It had been some time since Yugyeom and Saya had started talking. The boy sounded like a younger man, but he seemed to be full of philosophy and lovely things in his mind. It was quiet talking to him when he had time, it was fun to read his moody jokes and take pictures from him. Yugyeom used to distract his mind in various ways and Saya had become one of those ways for him to escape his noisy world.

He looked up at the sky.

Saya was like a dark, silent place for Yugyeom, where he could calm his mind without worry about how he is in this noisy world.

**\- ii –**

“You are stealing!” Jaebeom laughed, putting a quick kiss on Yugyeom's shoulder, which rolled his eyes and continued to steal in the game they are playing. They were in Lim Jaebeom's living room apartment. It was Saturday and Jackson had given the weekend so that the cast could rest a little. So this time Yugyeom didn’t have a good excuse to escape another date with his _boyfriend_. However, the youngest managed to convince Jaebeom to play something until they felt like doing something else. “How about seeing a movie on Netflix?”

Yugyeom tried to contain the urge to breathe deeply. He always did it when he was bored or starting to get annoyed with something. However, he did not want to upset Jaebeom after he had left the man alone for many other things.

Sometimes Yugyeom found himself thinking about what Jinyoung had said to him, about him being using Jaebeom forth for ego, because he was been ‘dating’ the man for months and they date hadn’t gone beyond _friends dates_. They would talk about some movie or some banal subject, play games or laugh at something. Jaebeom gives little touches over Yugyeom's skin, gave him kisses on the cheek, the shoulder or neck but it was just that.

They had never done anything more than this, kisses, and erotic things aren’t allowed after what had happened in the nightclub, perhaps because Jaebeom was afraid to rush things even more or maybe because Yugyeom didn’t give the old man chance to try anything.

He squeezed his eyes tightly as Jaebeom laid his head in his lap, popcorn on his belly while his eyes fixed on the flat TV. It took a few moments for the younger to decide, but he put his hand on Jaebeom's hair for the first time.

His fingers rubbed slowly over the boy's soft black hair strands, making him startle with affection. It was usually Jaebeom who tried to play and do tender things, not Yugyeom. He would always run or fight or end up beating the hell in the man, so it was a surprise to Lim Jaebeom that his boyfriend had taken the initiative to touch him.

He tried not to smile as he watched, and Yugyeom tried not to find it odd how much he liked to do the boy's affection.

“That is good?” he dared to ask. Jaebeom nodded without saying anything, afraid he would ruin everything if he opened his mouth. Yugyeom pursed his lips, pleased. He wasn’t selfish. "Your hair is soft”.

“I have something even softer”.

“Hyung…” Yugyeom pulled a strand of hair from the man, who shouted that he was talking about his teddy bear. “Oh really? Teddy bears my dick, hyung. You're a jerk!”

“You call your dick teddy bear?” Jaebeom teased again, causing Yugyeom to stop and push the man head out of his lap. “Okay, okay!” he laughed, getting to his knees. “I was just kidding, do not be so rude to me for God’s sake…” the man laughed, holding Yugyeom by the wrists. He had stopped treating Yugyeom so gently after the young man insisted he wasn’t a girl, the problem was that Yugyeom was too pale and always ended up with purple spots. Eujin always fights over him to get 'hurt' easily and make her work hard. “Can I kiss you?”

Yugyeom stopped playing.

Maybe he is was a little selfish, as Jinyoung had suggested because just imagining Jaebeom sticking his tongue into his mouth again made him feel sick. But he would never understand his feelings if he continued in that whole indecision.

“You can”.

“What?” Jaebeom's eyes widened. “I can?”

“You want me to take what I said or you-”

Kim Yugyeom didn’t know if Lim Jaebeom was even referring to a real teddy bear when he said he had something softer to show, but he was sure his lips would always remind him of marshmallow texture because they were too sweet and too soft over Yugyeom’s lips.

Their breaths got out of control as Jaebeom bite into Yugyeom's lower lip when he suddenly sat on his lap, wrapping his arms around the young man's neck who choked on his own saliva. He tried to push the kiss away, but Jaebeom was thirsty, had spent too long wishing those lips to contain so quickly.

Yugyeom's hands closed on the carpet of Jaebeom’s room when the man made a sudden movement with his hips toward the boy's lap, which automatically shoved him with a shocked expression.

Yugyeom's brown eyes were fixed on Jaebeom's swollen, red lips, there was still a thread of saliva on them as the older man breathed harshly from the brutality that had pushed. Yugyeom stood up.

“Yugyeomie...”

“Don’t touch me!” he screamed, unable to really look at Jaebeom in the eyes now. He didn’t know what to do. The boy felt like he was panicking. That feeling had never happened before. Maybe when he was younger, but it was hard to remember. Yugyeom felt as if he were about to faint from breathlessness, and he couldn’t believe how Jaebeom's rub over his lap was fresh in his mind. “I don’t think you understand me”.

“Yugyeomie!” Jaebeom swallowed, rising. “I understand. I've been in your place and I know it's scary-”

“When was that?” Yugyeom asked, wiping his mouth quickly. “When you were fifteen and had a normal life? Because as far as I remember, you started your career with everyone knowing about what you liked in your fucking bed!” he said. “You were always sure because you had a normal life, with normal friends for fifteen years hyung. Nobody told you what to do, what to eat, who to walk with, how to dress, what to talk...” Yugyeom gasped, passing his hands in his hair. “You've lived a carefree life for fifteen years. I’ve been living in the spotlight since I was four years old, Jaebeom hyung, I couldn’t figure out life as you-”

“That's not an excuse.” Jaebeom says back. “If you like me no matter how you've lived your life so far, what matters is the opportunities you create to get to where you want to be in your future... with me or not knowing who you are?”

Kim Yugyeom laughed.

People didn’t seem to understand. As much as they shared the same world with him, they didn’t understand. They didn’t know what it was like to grow up being Kang Bo-Young’s son, they didn’t know what it was like to have a personal identity ready to be assumed because your mother didn’t want to have flaws in your personality, in the way you live. No one but Yugyeom could know what it was like to be him, what it was like to be in conflict with the things that had been taught him, that he had practiced for twenty-two years and what he now knew.

Not even his siblings could understand what it was like to be living in that conflict, because no one had lived his life in his place, he had faced everything and it was he who was striving every moment to be able to discover what was real without his mother shadow.

“I think we should be just friends.” Yugyeom whispered, rubbing the back of his neck. He wanted to be able to go back in time, he wanted to haven’t listened to his brother and to have lived only in confusion as he had always lived. He wanted to have continued out of that universe because his robotic life seemed less complicated and his brain was less comfortable with it. “I do not think that-”

Jaebeom's lips touched Yugyeom's again, hard and deep. The older man's tongue crawled between the younger soft lips because of the surprise and his hands wrapped around Yugyeom's as if he needed to prove something to the boy.

Maybe he was trying to prove that he just had to stop being afraid and throw himself at what he wanted to do.

Yugyeom's mind raced through in so many places. He thought about his mother and all the bad things she had told him, his father and stepmother, who always supported him in all his choices. Yujin and Yuri, who loved Yugyeom unconditionally and even Yerim who were too young but always said he was proud of her older brother.

His mind rushed to what Yu-bi said about love is tricky for some people, about how some of them went blind and made mistakes even loving the person with all their hearts. His mind raced when he found that his parents got divorced because his mother had betrayed her husband. His mind thought about Jinyoung's words... he was too selfish because he didn’t want to fall head over in it because it was too confusing.

Jaebeom squeezed Yugyeom's dick over the jean, making the boy loosen up loudly with a scream in his mouth before punching him in the face.

They were friends. Yugyeom loved Jaebeom with all his heart and didn’t want to lose what they had built during that time they were together but he couldn’t pretend that he wants to be with Jaebeom in another way, he couldn’t do it anymore because now that his mind was screaming so much he was sure Jaebeom was just a good friend.

He knew that Yujin was right... he was just projecting things the way he used to do with his characters.

They looked at each other without knowing what to do or say, while Yugyeom took the next step. He wrapped his arms around Jaebeom's neck and whispered:

“I am sorry... hyung.” the word sounded low, sad as if it were a promise being broken. “But can we only be good friends, please? I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought that would be the right thing for both of us. Maybe I didn’t think straight, but now I am sure... I don't want to be more than friends. Please? Let's just go back to being like we were at the beginning of everything. I cannot-”

“It's okay Yugyeomie.” Jaebeom finally whispered, hugging the boy. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he had been too insistent, that he might risk everything for Yugyeom, that he was an experiment while the younger one was a concrete certainty to him. He knew he was the biggest guilty for everything. Despite being upset that he wanted to keep trying, he knew he had taken Kim Yugyeom to his limits. He sighed deeply and smoothed the boy's back. “Let's just be friends”.


	14. you're not that bad...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And you can call me if you want to talk. You know, my fucked life with my mother gave me the experience to handle everything”.
> 
> Jinyoung smiled, shaking his head.
> 
> “Go back to the studio, you have a recording now”.
> 
> Kim Yugyeom and Park Jinyoung could never suspect that at some point they would end up having a pleasant chat without one offending the other. Or rather, they could never suspect that they would end up becoming 'friends'.
> 
> “You can handle it... hyung.” Some of his fans could know Yugyeom for being rude and cold, but he could have a warm heart when he wanted to. He could act differently from what his mother expected. “Fighting!”

**\- i -**

Yugyeom’s mother always said that the boy had the power to ruin everything. She used to say that the boy had ruined her youth, even though he was only her second child. That his dreams had been shattered because Yugyeom wanted to continue acting, that her marriage to Kwang-min had gone wrong because the boy was an unlucky person.

He would never admit it, but sometimes he believed in his mother, who had stopped all her life to working for the boy. That she'd had a lot of fights with her ex-husband because of the boy’s business trips that never left time for the rest of the family. Sometimes, when he ended up destroying some friendship, Yugyeom believed in his mother.

He realized that his bad luck had spoiled everything when Monday's recordings had to be brought forward after he accidentally cut Jaebeom with the blade of his skates. They were having a silly fight about a silly mistake that Yugyeom had committed, Jaebeom seemed furious for something so simple and it happens.

Jaebeom tried to hold Yugyeom by the wrist and when he took Jaebeom's hand away, he ended up pushing the man arm straight into the sharp blade that Sana had insisted countless times to him don’t leave it unprotected near the rest of the cast.

He didn’t want to hurt his friend... he had just removed his hand by a simple reflection, but now Jinyoung was sending out numerous messages, saying that they needed to talk. Jaebeom was ignoring Yugyeom's calls, Jackson was furious and the rest of the cast looked really worried.

“You should give him some time.” Yugyeom heard his brother say. Yujin was leaning against the doorframe, his arms folded, his expression serious as he was tired of hearing his mother's complaints. Mrs. Kang had started a fight with the company to have her son removed from the film now that an accident had occurred. “Calling will annoy him even more”.

“I just want to know if he's okay...”

“Yes, he is.” Yujin answer, get in his brother's room, who looked at him confused. “Sehun called. Mum almost did not let me talk to him, but from what I could hear... Jaebeom-ssi is fine”.

“But the cut…”

“They'll add an extra scene.” Yujin scratched his eyebrow. “You know how it works, your director will probably call you or send you a message, or an email... I do not know but Sehun said they'll add a scene to explain the bandage”.

Yugyeom bites his cheeks, aware of how badly it could make a bad impact on the film. Jinyoung had plans to follow the book faithlessly without much change and now needed to create an extra scene.

“Jinyoung-ssi will kill me tomorrow.” the younger sighed deeply, rubbing his face. “I didn’t do it on purpose, you know? I just reacted by reflex... I did not mean to hurt him and cause all those problems”.

Yujin laughed.

“Why are you explaining yourself?” he asked his younger brother, touching his shoulder. “Of course I know you didn’t do it on purpose for God’s sake. You're not that kind of person and I know this”.

Yugyeom wanted Jinyoung to think the same, but he doubted it. He knew the older man would be even more alert with the boy’s moves. If he didn’t have enough problems, now he would have more.

“I broke up with him”.

Yujin raised his eyebrows.

“With Jaebeom-ssi?” Yugyeom nodded biting his mouth. “Fuck no dude! Why? I thought things were going fine? What happen?”

At some point in his life, Kim Yugyeom truly believed he was unlucky because he had just finished his 'relationship' with Lim Jaebeom, and as if that were not enough, he had hurt the man.

“I thought we were doing fine but...” he gritted his teeth, scraping his nail over the bruise on his finger. “Apparently, I rushed a lot!” the boy shrugged, sighing deeply. “It's not that I do not like him, it's just that he's so...” Yugyeom stared at the brother with a grimace. “Hasty”.

“Hasty?” Yujin wrinkled his nose. “Like what?”

“Like... touches, kisses...” Yugyeom clenched his nail in the bruise, not taking his eyes off it. “ _Rubbing_ ”.

“Rubbing? What?” Yujin wanted to laugh. He stared at his brother's profile. “He rubs himself on you?”

Yugyeom swallowed, shaking his head to his old brother, who began to laugh mercilessly at all the frustration and concern of his younger brother.

“Are you serious?” Yujin asked holding Yugyeom as he tried to stand up. “He fuck himself on you? When? Where? How?”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes.

“Why do you need so much information?” he cried out impatiently, scratching the back of his neck, but his brother did not give up. Yujin threw Yugyeom back on the bed and arrested the youngest in his arms, laughing at the situation, wondering what it had been like. “You're an asshole hyung!”

“Please!” Yujin pleaded with a silly laugh. “How did it happen? You have an obligation to tell me as a younger brother-”

“He just rubbed his ass on me okay?” Yugyeom cried out again, trying to get rid of his brother's grip, which screamed in his ear. “Hyung, for God's sake, you're going to blow my ear!”

“Ya Kim Yugyeom, I cannot believe you got your first gay scrub, my little bro!” Yugyeom rolled his eyes, saying that his brother was an idiot for real. “Ya, ya, I'm joking... you do not have to kick me that way”.

The younger pushed his brother away, sitting up in bed impatiently. He knew he had Yujin as a safe place, that he could tell him anything but he was not sure how to start talking about it because everything seemed too chaotic.

“Is that why you broke up with him?” Yujin wanted to know. “Not a good reason Yugyeomie... did you ever stop to think that you were just scared?”

“God. Don’t act as I've never done anything like this before Yujin, please. Kissing, touching, hugging... doing these things? It's not different because of the partner's genre”.

“Well... in the sense of the word? Yes. It’s not different. But in the feeling and how does it affect your emotional and psychological life?” Kim Yujin had studied all his life to be a good psychologist. His mother didn’t believe in that kind of career, so Yujin needed to do two different UNI: medicine as his mother wanted and psychology, as he dreamed. He was really good in both areas. “Your brain is accustomed to associating pleasure sensations with female gender because you have been in sexual contact with it for many years, so of course it's different”.

Yugyeom cast a desperate look at his brother because he did not want to have any more doubts and Yujin said that only made him more anxious about everything that had happened and was happening.

“Cannot you talk like that?” he asked. “Cannot you be my brother and not my fucking doctor now? I don’t want to talk about the chemical reactions of my brain about this but the real facts that I'm not sure of anything!”

“Okay, okay!” Yujin shrugged, holding Yugyeom. He stared at his younger brother. “You said he was in hasty…”

“Yeah.” Yugyeom snorted. “We started _dating_ a little less than two months, I didn’t care about the skinship or the fact that he wanted to kiss me, but... it bothered me that he wanted to do it in a way so passionate”.

“Why?”

“I don’t know! It is not a common thing for me... to have a fucking tongue kiss with another guy. To have a guy's ass pressing my dick! It's not something I've done before, so why the fuck did he have to rush all this form?”

Yujin chuckled softly.

“Yugyeom-ah... that's called giving a try. Isn’t that why you gave him a chance? To try to figure out if you like men or you’re just projecting your character in real life?”

Yugyeom wrinkled his nose. He hadn’t thought of it that way. Whenever Jaebeom kissed him more deeply and hotly, he felt only annoyed and forgot what all this should mean.

“Do you remember when you lost your virginity?” the older one asked, seeing his brother nodded. “Was it in your first try?”

“No. It took about six months for us to get-oh!” Yugyeom stopped when he realized where his brother wanted to go. “We tried until we were sure that we were comfortable…”

“Exactly!” Yujin smirked sarcastically. “How could you and Jaebeom-ssi know anything without trying, how would he know about the things you liked to do when it came to kissing or something like that?”

Kim Yugyeom was really an unlucky person like his mother used to say. He didn’t use his brain like his older brother to understand human behaviors, didn’t have a good heart like Yuri to follow people around without wanting something in return. Yugyeom couldn’t be a brilliant and graceful as Yerim or have his father's, genuine heart.

He was just Yugyeom... an unlucky person that doesn’t use his brain.

“Shit”.

“Yeah, you’re an idiot little bro.” Yujin put his hand on his brother's shoulder, laughing at his sad expression. “You hasty a broke up that had no reason to happen because you were, as usual, listening to the wrong things. I'll bet you talked to somebody, got crazy ideas in your head, and projected all that on Jaebeom-ssi”.

“Kind off…” he sighed. “Eomeonim and I talked about love, about dad and mom, and how people fall apart. I kept what she said in head and the time that he... well, you know... the time I felt he, I just freaked out”.

“Eomeonim talk about omma?” Yujin asks, but Yugyeom just rolled his eyes, because that was a topic for another time. “Anyway... listening to what people say is good only when you know how to make your choices based on what you truly believe will work for your own life. It is no use listening to people's advice if you don’t know what is good to yourself”.

“I do not think it's him”.

Yujin raised one eyebrow.

He did not want to ruin his brother's chances of trying to change his life now that he was so bashful and had begun to make choices by himself, but he knew when Yugyeom was sure of something. It kind of expression with his forehead.

Without hesitation, he always concluded something in a hard and cold way. Sometimes Yujin was afraid of it.

“Are you sure?”

Yugyeom didn’t think for long, because the corner of his mouth quirked up in an embarrassed smile as if he knew he'd hurried things too.

“I'm here blaming him for hurrying everything, but...” he looked at his brother. “I also did it when I decided to give him a chance just to try to figure out what I wanted. I don’t know what I was thinking, but it was selfishness.” Yujin could be right about not listening to everyone’s opinions but Park Jinyoung was right. Yugyeom had been selfish and did not understand how he hadn’t seen it before. “How can I be in a relationship without first discovering my own feelings about the whole situation? It was crazy of me to believe that trying was right”.

Yujin didn’t need to ask again, he knew that Yugyeom was right about his decision and thoughts. Now the boy knows that he really didn’t want to be with Jaebeom in a romantic way.

“He's not a piece of clothing to be tried on and out. I should have known earlier, things could work that way just because I want too”.

“And what do you do now?” Yujin asked. “Sehun said he's not in the hospital anymore, he probably should be home, so you're going to apologize in person or will you keep trying to call him?”

Yugyeom's mother might think he was an unlucky person. Yugyeom himself could trust the woman's words when his mind confused him, but the rest of the percentage that existed and made him sure that his mother's cursed words were not real, made him trust his brother even more, so the boy was always ready to show a better version of himself.

“Can you call Sehun hyung for me?” Yugyeom asked standing up, look at his older brother. “I need to take a shower and go apologize to a really important friend”.

**\- ii –**

“Bo!”

“Son of a bitch!” Youngjae shouted, laying his body on the table, putting his face in the cold stone to soothe his warm skin. He stood up just to look straight into Yugyeom and Bambam’s eyes, who was laughing like two idiots after having put another prank on the oldest. “One day I’ll kill you both”.

“Ya!” Bambam shouted falsely frightened, pointing at the camera in Jungkook's hand, which was on Youngjae’s other side. “How can you say such a thing to us hyung? What will your fans think about this?”

“You are recording?” Youngjae asked, hiding his face. “Jungkook-ah... stop it!” he grunted with his jaw tight, pushing Jungkook. “Stop!”

“It's for vlive hyung” Jungkook explained, trying to take Youngjae's hand out of the way to get a better close-up of the older man's face, which was red with embarrassment. Yugyeom and Bambam laughed, hugging each other. “ _Hyungie_ , why don’t you send a message to your movie fans?”

“I don’t want to. Stop this!”

“Hyung...” Yugyeom sang. “Don’t you want to show everyone how much you love us? If not, they will actually believe that you want to kill us for real”.

“Yugyeom!” Youngjae growled. “Shut up”

“Did you hear that everyone?” Bambam asked as Jungkook pointed the camera at him and laughed. “This hyung...”

Choi Youngjae laughed, rolling his eyes, but was stopped for Jaebeom, who appeared out of nowhere shouting at them all:

“I also want to appear in the vlive!”

“Jaebeom hyung likes to watch our channel.” Yugyeom sneered as the older man hugged him by the waist. He laughed, getting a pinch in his hand. “And he also likes to make-”

“Shut up!” Jaebeom complained, placing his hand on Yugyeom's mouth, making Bambam and Youngjae laugh. “Jungkook-ah, you can record your best hyung... I have a message for fans of our movie”.

Things were calmer now.

Kim Yugyeom might not be so lucky, he could ruin many things in his life, but he knew how to apologize for his acts. He was proud of some people, but not with Lim Jaebeom. With the older, Yugyeom was a good person, caring, warm... worried. Thankful.

He was truly grateful that Jaebeom understood his words, for he understood why Yugyeom had to put an end to what had begun so soon. He was thankful that Jaebeom got back to normal with him and he was also grateful that Jackson convinced Jinyoung not to scream at the actor in front of the rest of the cast.

Not that Jinyoung hadn’t screamed. He screamed... only after everyone had gone, while Yugyeom nodded in silence and held himself to not punch the writer's face.

However, things were calmer now. They had done the extra scene so that everything would fit Jaebeom's arm scar, the atmosphere between them was strange at some times, for example, when they needed to make warmer scenes... but everything turned out well in the end. Not that they sat down to talk. Each went to his side and waited for things to cool down, and then back to normal.

They had been doing this for a month and a half.

“Until next week...!” Sana said goodbye before she yawned, scratching her eye. Yugyeom pushed his thoughts away and smiled at the woman in front of him. “Do not sleep late today, please”.

“Ne omma!” Bambam shouted from where he was. The cast had become close, even as the Thai called Sana 'omma' and Jackson 'appa' without feeling embarrassment. “Until next week your horns!” he said to Joy, Youngjae, Jungkook, and Yugyeom. “Hey, Jinyoung hyung?”

“Yes?”

“See you next week.” the Thai smiled excitedly, receiving a nod from the man. “Jackson _appa_... are you going downtown? Can you give me a ride home?” he asked biting his lips in a gentle, naive smile that made everyone roll their eyes. The Chinese nodded, ruffling the boy's fluffy and brown hair. “Yeah!”

“I'll see you guys Monday.” the Chinese waved to the rest who were finishing packing their things. “Let's go Bambam”.

After watching everyone leave one by one, Kim Yugyeom waited patiently in his seat. He heard the door open again only 25 minutes later when the studio was already silent.

“I thought you had given up on waiting...” the man said, running his hand down the back of his neck, putting the other in his pocket. Yugyeom nods no. “Okay then. Are you ready to warm up?”

“I've done this already.” the boy let out the air between his half-opened lips, making them dance. “Can we just do it? I really wanted to hang out with my friends today”.

“Are you going to Busan?” Park Jinyoung asked worriedly. He didn’t like it when Yugyeom decided to leave town because the youngest always ended up having a weekend sprinkled with alcohol and parties. On Monday Eujin always had trouble with his makeup. “How many times do we have to talk about it?”

“As many times as it takes for you to understand that you are not my father and don’t have a saying in my private life!” Yugyeom grunted back, rising over the blades. “Now let me do it in peace”.

Jinyoung was forcing him to stay at least half an hour every day after filming so that they would take a few steps that the instructor was questioning in some choreographies.

“Let's go over Masquerade choreography” Jinyoung sighed, leaving his backpack in a corner, going to the sound and audio station to turn on the speakers. “It's already 2 am, so we're going to have to make one with the low music... does that bother you?”

Yugyeom denied where he was, moving his feet on the ice. The set production was close to the ring they were shooting the scenes of Yohan's competitions in that part of the film because it was more comfortable than spending money to build some skating rink near the studio.

“It's in this step...” Jinyoung yelled as he approached the ice, watching the footage the instructor had passed on and pointed out the mistakes to him earlier. His eyes flew to Yugyeom's feet. “You made the same mistake again!” he yelled. The boy sighed deeply, his fingers were cold and he repeated the step again, making the same mistake and making the older man scream. Again. “Again… no! I say no. Do it again!”

“I hate this!” Yugyeom gasped, rubbing his hands together, approaching where Jinyoung was. “Let me see where did he say the mistake was? Here? On my foot?” he asked, pointing to the screen. “What if we change the pitch?”

“ _Any_.” Jinyoung took the tablet from the younger hand. “We’ll not change just because you are lazy!” the younger snapped his tongue impatiently. “Come on, just try a little. We know you have the potential to hit every step, just try one more time?”

Yugyeom took a deep breath, holding the air in his lungs for a while before turning to the middle of the ice and closing his eyes for a long moment. He messes up as soon as the music played.

“Let's make a bet.” Park Jinyoung folded his arms, catching Yugyeom's attention. “If you hit that first choreography quartet without making a mistake, shaking or falling... I do whatever you want”.

Kim Yugyeom closed his eyes.

He couldn’t believe in everything Jinyoung said, because the writer had the habit of trying to fool the younger one whenever possible.

“I swear to my little finger...”

“Anything?” Jinyoung nodded firmly. “Okay, I'll make the most effort to get it right then!”

“Only if you hit the first quartet from it!”

Kim Yugyeom has never been a competitive child in childhood. He liked to let his siblings win in the games. Yuri was the one who cried most when she lost because she was competitive like her mother and Yujin was a half-term... sometimes he was competitive, sometimes not. However, at that very moment, Yugyeom felt like a junction of Yuri and Yujin, because he did not always like accepting Jinyoung's bets, but he didn’t always like to lose to him.

He entered the first stretch with the right foot, not missing the step and without shaking as he was doing and his smile grew in the corner of his mouth as he passed the eldest in his blades.

When the song came to an end, he was sure that the best taste of life was the one of victory and would make a point of telling Yuri that she was right, winning was truly wonderful.

“Okay!” Jinyoung shrugged, turning off the music. “Apparently you were just in need of an incentive…” he said impatiently, knowing the youngest would likely to mocking him. “What do you want me to do?”

Yugyeom smiled excitedly because his dream was to have something against Jinyoung in the same way that the elder had against him.

“Uh…” he thought for a long moment. “I was watching Aladdin with my little sister yesterday…” Jinyoung closed his eyes. “And you know I like the idea of three wishes?”

“What? What that supposed to mean?”

He smiled, folding his arms.

“Mrs. Park, as payment for having entered with my right foot, for not having missed anything and not fallen down... I want you to give me three wishes”.

Jinyoung opened and closed his mouth, not knowing what to say.

“Three wishes?” he asked confused, rubbing the back of his neck. Yugyeom nod. “Why do you want that? Just ask me to do something to you now”.

“No fun!” the younger raising an eyebrow. “I want three wishes, which I can use whenever I want and you will not be able to say no”.

Jinyoung frowned.

He didn’t understand why Yugyeom wanted three wishes from him.

Jinyoung didn’t understand how Yugyeom's head worked, he always thought the younger man was a confused person to understand, but he had made a bet and used to fulfill his word.

“Fuck it. Okay!” he shrugged. “I command you three wishes”.

Yugyeom smiled biting his lips.

“Okay. I want to make my first wish now...” he said, startling Jinyoung, who gritted his teeth and made a bored expression. “Oh, do not be like this Jinyoung-ssi, you promised!”

Park Jinyoung sighed.

“Okay, go ahead _sir_ ” he said seriously. “What's your first wish?”

Yugyeom looked at the boy from top to bottom.

“For my first request...” he whispered approaching Jinyoung slowly, realizing how the older man was uncomfortable with his presence. Yugyeom laughed at that. “I wish you'd put on a blade and come here”.

“Here?” Jinyoung ask. “In the ring?”

The writer snorted.

“You cannot say no!” Yugyeom was quick to stop him. “You're like the genie of the lamp and genius must obey their master,” he said crossing his arms. “Well, I'm your master today”.

The older man opened his mouth but said nothing. He did not want to cause an unnecessary fight, so he just put the damn skates on.

Jinyoung fell on the first attempt to stand on the ice, making Yugyeom laugh desperately and pick up the phone to record the scene, to show his fans. He even thought of how strange it would be to publish a video of his screenwriter on his Instagram status, just did and put it a 'Mr. Park-nim always falls on his butt in the cold ice’ with an emoji.

“You're so clumsy...!” Yugyeom laughed as he approached Jinyoung and help him. “Here, give me your hands. I'll teach you the basics”.

“I cannot just get off the ice? That's not for me”.

“You have to do this! That's my wish, remember?” the boy complained, waving his hand to Jinyoung, who held it and stood up with difficulty. “I'm going to put a song…”

“Nothing something fast, please!”

“Yeah”. the younger one rolled his eyes. “Damn, you are so fucking bossy...” he whispered, moving the audio director's computer, connecting the mobile network of his phone to look for a nice song. Yugyeom smiled at the melody of Billie Eilish and Khalid, Lovely echoing through the speakers. “Do you see how kind I am? I put on a slow song”.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and held Yugyeom’s hand again. The younger laughed because the writer looked like a child learning to walk.

He stood facing Jinyoung and held him by the hands.

“Just watch the way I move my feet...” the boy said, pointing down with his head. “It's like walking, you just have to make more closed movements” he explained with a smile. “Yeah! Just like that, just keep doing it, Jinyoung-ssi…”

Yugyeom's laughter made Jinyoung want to laugh every time, and the music was so slow that the older man was really liking that shit.

“You're good at this.” Yugyeom smiled excitedly at Jinyoung, who was following in his slow but promising steps.

Jinyoung looked up, straight into the younger face.

“How did you learn to skate?”

“I told you...” Yugyeom looked away, staring back at their feet. He had said it, but with vague words. Jinyoung stopped suddenly, making the younger one balk and stare at him in confusion. The younger one knew that the older man was expecting a better answer. “My mother thought it was elegant” he says quietly, jerking the older man's arm so he could move again. “I think I was about six when I started... I hated it”.

“You do not seem to hate it”.

“Well, I hated it at first.” Yugyeom shrugged, humming a portion of the song before sighing and continuing against his own will: “I was six years old and I was practicing about three or five hours a day while my brother and sister have fun. It was not something a six-year-old could like to do, you know? So I really hated it at first”.

Jinyoung nodded thoughtfully.

“I play piano.” he says with his eyes fixed on his feet, as he followed Yugyeom into a tight circle. “I started at age four or five... I don’t remember exactly, but I hated it too. My parents thought it was elegant too because some of my parent's friends' son played, so they thought I should play it too”.

Yugyeom let out a breath of air. He did not know that Jinyoung played piano or that he had a problem with his parents. He thought he was the only one fucked up in Bloodsport family cast.

“How did you start to like it?”

“I met Heejin.” the writer wanted to laugh at his fate. “Can you believe it? The person who hurt me the most was also the person who made me happy and showed me wonderful things in the world”.

Yugyeom couldn’t say, he had never suffered for love, had just watched his parents suffer. He chewed his cheeks.

“And you?”

The boy swallowed.

He couldn’t remember. He remembered not liking sports, not wanting to keep training while his brothers played... then he remembered being nine or ten years old and insisting that his mother put him on the ballet to perfect his movements on the skates.

But he doesn’t remember why.

“I just started liking it”.

Jinyoung didn’t know why, but the way Yugyeom's words sounded it seemed that the boy was desperate to give a better answer than that as if he were hungry to understand how he could have begun to like something.

Jinyoung wanted to ask why he sounded that way, but Yugyeom's face made him shut up because the younger one seemed really frustrated... even sad.

He pushed his body in the wrong way, causing his feet to fumble and his weight eventually knocking over Yugyeom, rolled himself on the ice, and almost tapped his back against the wall of the ring.

They lay on the ice for a moment until they began to laugh desperately as if they didn’t believe what had happened. Yugyeom, who is pouring cold air through his mouth while laughing, licked his lips and turned to Jinyoung, who was at his side.

“You're not that bad”.

Park Jinyoung laughed one last time, his lips tightening as he nodded slowly and closed his eyes for a long moment.

“Huh...” he murmured in a whisper. “You're not that bad either”.

**\- iii -**

**Saya:** don’t you miss talking to me?

 **Dandelion:** why would I? You’re annoying...

The boy bit the piece of cake he had won from Bambam and smiled at the answer, a meme of a person crying on the floor with broken hearts.

He couldn’t remember exactly how he'd started talking with Saya, maybe when the boy started enjoying all his posts and Yugyeom's status on his fake account, but it was good. He liked having a friend who did not question him about confusing things like romance and sexuality.

 **Dandelion:** so dramatic hyung...!

 **Saya:** I could be an actor in the future... what do you think?

It would be fun if it could happen. If Saya emerged from anonymity and became an actor, maybe he and Yugyeom could be great friends… he would like that, to have someone as simple and easy to understand like Saya.

“It would be good to meet you in person...” Yugyeom whispered what he wanted to write a long time ago, but he was afraid. Once he made a friend over the internet, who when he found out that he was Kim Yugyeom and put their conversation to everyone, and the actor's mother ended up putting him in the bargain for three months. “I really wanted to meet you in person hyung”.

“Speaking alone?”

“Holy shit!” Yugyeom slapped Jaebeom's shoulder. “Don’t ever come out of nowhere, hyung. You almost killed me from the heart!”

Jaebeom smiled, in that timid and gentle way that Yugyeom loved so much. Which he was so afraid of never seeing again.

They were on _good_ terms now. Jaebeom made a point of always talking to Yugyeom when things were difficult between them... of course, there was still some tension in recording some scenes, but they were trying to improve that too.

“I'm sorry.” Jaebeom laughed. “But who were you talking to?”

“A friend”.

Jaebeom met his eyes.

“Did a friend make you smile like that?”

“What?” Yugyeom's eyes widened. “I was not smiling”.

“Yes... ah, you were.” the older man nodded when Yugyeom asked again if he was really smiling. “It must be a very good friend for you to smile without realizing”.

“Yeah. He is.” the actor whispered rubbing the back of his neck and bite his cheeks. “He's been useful to me”.

“About what?”

Yugyeom's brown eyes might look frightened, but he knew where Jaebeom wanted to go. He was trying to see if Yugyeom had broken with him because he had someone else.

The younger one rolled his eyes roughly:

“How could that be any of your business hyung?” he asked impatiently, turning off the screen of his phone. “Don’t ever ask me that ever again. Okay? He’s just a friend”.

“Yugyeomie, I did not mean-”

“Yes, you did.” the boy whispered. “What happened to us sucked and I'm trying to show you that I'm sorry for that, but you have nothing to do with my personal life or my friends, so do not ask me a question like that with that tone again”.

With that being said, he got up and picked up a strawberry lollipop because he would have a kissing scene with Jungkook and knew that the boy liked the taste. Before actually leaving the dressing room, he turned to Jaebeom and said:

“If you want to know... I don’t think I'll ever have a special friend like you again. So you do not have to worry about it”.

**\- c -**

**Saya:** did you see what they posted about the writer of that movie?

 **Dandelion:** what movie?

 **Saya:** Bloodsport movie dude

 **Dandelion:** No, I just got off work

 **Saya:** dude... they're saying that his girlfriend, I think she was his fiancé, I don’t know very well, but they're saying she's pregnant!

Yugyeom stopped, feeling Joy hit his back.

“Why did you stop suddenly?” the girl asked mad, rubbing her forehead and shoving Yugyeom into the dressing room along with Jungkook. “Earth calling Kim Yugyeom?”

“He is fine?” Sana asked. “What happens?”

“I do not know. He was looking at his phone and suddenly stopped...” Bambam answer as he sat down in the first chair he found, exhausted from filming and running. “It must have been some fake news”.

“Huh.” the woman shrugged. “Yugyeom go and change your clothes for God’s sake sweet…”

 **Saya:** is not it crazy? She just got in a cheating scandal and now appears pregnant? Wow, must be crazy this famous life!

 **Yugyeom:** Are you sure that the news came out? I did not receive anything

 **Saya:** huh, I'll send you the link

 **Saya:** [link]

 **Saya:** what do you think about it?

Yugyeom left the dressing room and headed toward the studio where they were recording, but Jinyoung and Jackson were not there. He sighed deeply and called the Chinese because he did not have the other man number contact.

“ _Ah... why do you want to know?”_ Jackson asked as Yugyeom questioned his whereabouts. The younger gave an excuse that he needed to ask something to Jinyoung. “ _Ask me. He cannot answer now_ ”.

“Hyung!” Yugyeom grunted slyly. “It's really, really important that I ask this directly to him. Please!”

The boy heard a murmured on the call.

“On Nam’s family set house”.

He didn’t even say goodbye, just hung up, and headed toward the set where Bambam used to spend most of his time. The boy spotted Jackson first, who left because Jinyoung asked to be left alone.

“Do not upset him today, please”.

Yugyeom smiled sarcastically at Jackson and get in the set, watching Jinyoung sitting with his hand on his forehead as he looked at his own phone. Was it true? Heejin was pregnant?

“Ah, Jinyoung-ssi...?”

Jinyoung lifted his head.

“Can you believe that?” the writer asked showing the screen of his phone to the youngest. “She went to the public to say she was pregnant after she betrayed me. Unbelievable!”

“I thought it was a lie.” Yugyeom replied quickly. “A friend sent me the link and then I came to talk to you, because of everything you said to me that day...” The boy frowned. He didn’t really care for gossip, but he felt as if he knew Jinyoung and Heejin’s story like the palm of his hand after the older man had had a melancholy moment with him in his apartment, so he was curious. “It's yours?”

Jinyoung sighed deeply.

“Perhaps”.

“But she did not walk away like... a month ago?”

Park Jinyoung rubbed his temples.

“She came to visit me a few times and we...”

“Oh. Did you have sex with the woman you said you hated for always cheating on you?” Yugyeom sneered, folding his arms. “You really are a lost cause Jinyoung-ssi. How can you be so stupid?”

“Look who's talking!” the man shouted angrily. “You have seen how many scandals you have been involved in since you took up your own career and turned your mother away? Your life is a red sea of shame Yugyeom-ssi, you cannot give me a moral lesson now so fuck off”.

The two men stared at each other for a moment and then laughed.

Strange to say, but Yugyeom felt more and more comfortable around Jinyoung. Maybe because they spent a lot of time together after everyone was gone, maybe because they drank together and talked about banalities when they were too drunk... but it was comfortable to be around after so long. Not that he did not hate Jinyoung any more, there was still a frame of hatred in some long moments, but he was more bearable now.

“What will you do?”

“I have no idea.” Jinyoung admitted. “My agent doesn’t stop calling me, I even received an email from friends who haven’t talked to me for years saying I should be ashamed to leave a pregnant woman... as if it had been my choice!” he whispered the last part because he really didn’t want to leave Heejin despite how much he had hurt him. “Maybe I'll call her”.

“I think it's the best you can do.” Yugyeom nodded. “But don’t try to kill her like the last time... huh? She might try to say that you tried to kill her for being pregnant”.

“I should kill her for having cheated on me!”

Yugyeom laughed, knowing Jinyoung's dark humor was terrible.

“Whatever dude, just be careful not to create more wrinkles on your ugly face...” the younger grinned. “And you can call me if you want to talk. You know, my fucked life with my mother gave me the experience to handle everything”.

Jinyoung smiled, shaking his head.

“Go back to the studio, you have a recording now”.

Kim Yugyeom and Park Jinyoung could never suspect that at some point they would end up having a pleasant chat without one offending the other. Or rather, they could never suspect that they would end up becoming 'friends'.

“You can handle it... _hyung_.” Some of his fans could know Yugyeom for being rude and cold, but he could have a warm heart when he wanted to. He could act differently from what his mother expected. “Fighting!”


	15. when it happens… it’s happens!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wild.
> 
> It was how Yugyeom described the feel of Jinyoung's hands on his body. Wild, savage as an animal that has no pity for its prey, who wants to devour every bit of its reward no matter how much it will hurt.
> 
> Yugyeom's ears and skin were numb, sensitive, but it was his heart that seemed to ache more because breathing properly was a difficult task at that moment. Something crosses his mind… something that Yujin and his stepmother had told him. When it happens… it’s happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally managed to fix the mistake I made by changing the chapters of the fanfics. I would like to thank the generous soul that warned me about my mistake, I couldn't get your @ because I was sleepy and going crazy with my mistake (I'm sorry for that), but I want to thank you with all my heart. If you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have figured it out anytime soon.

**\- i -**

“I have a question!” a reporter, Jinyoung thought he knew her face from somewhere, asked, waving her hand. “Here, I have a question”.

“Yeah. Go ahead...” Jackson Wang laughed again, pointing to the woman. They were at a DORYA studio and JY Arts Company for a press conference about the film and release dates. “What is your question?”

“In the last two weeks, your legion of fans was surprised by the news that your girlfriend was pregnant...” Jinyoung's smile face drop for a brief moment before he remembered about the cameras. “But some sources claim that mr. Park was no longer with miss Do, and that this baby cannot be yours. You confirm or deny this news mr. Park?”

Jinyoung had been instructed by his agent and his book publisher not to talk about Heejin's pregnancy in public, because it was still a sensitive subject. The woman had created the biggest scene when the writer tried to talk to her about the DNA test. Heejin says to everyone that it was impossible to accept a treatment like that when Jinyoung knew they had slept together even though they weren’t really together.

It was impossible to keep her mouth shut and the story ended up in some reports hands, which began to investigate and bring a bad image to the writer and his film.

“Not that I think it's right to say... but you remember you're at a conference about a movie, right?” Kim Yugyeom asked in his microphone, laughing. “Why is the writer's private life important when we were almost in the final stretch of our film?”

Jackson turned to his lead actor, startled by his evil tongue. He expected Bambam or Jinyoung himself to say something like that, not Yugyeom, and that was a big surprise.

“What Yugyeom is trying to say is that this isn’t a subject for the moment” Jaebeom says, running his hand through his dark hair. “Our writer, like our director, has been a wonderful person during those nine months we've been working and I'm sure the public will love the movie”.

“But don’t you think it's a subject that affects the distribution of the film?” another reporter asked, standing up. “Some people are saying that you refuse to assume the baby paternity mr. Park because you and miss Do have money reasons problems…”

“Why don’t you give a statement about it mr. Park?”

Yugyeom gritted his teeth. He hated it when reporters were too intrusive. He had lived this way all his life and had never endured about the exposure they always do in celebrities' lives... it was disgusting.

“Everyone will know about this when both come to the public.” Park Jinyoung replied cautiously, drawing a beautiful smile on his face. “Until then I ask that you have patience and, above all, pay attention to this film that is being done with a lot of love for all of us”.

After a few murmurs and more offensive questions about Heejin's pregnancy, who had returned to live with Jinyoung after their nationwide scandal, they talked about the film and some details that everyone was curious to know before leaving the panel and climbing up to give the last closed interview, to TVN channel.

“Everyone knew that you two...” the woman laughed, pointing at Jinyoung and Yugyeom. “Didn’t have a good relationship at the beginning, right? How was that?”

“Ah! I know you ask us about this.” Jinyoung laughed sheepishly because he still didn’t believe he had a wonderful relationship with Yugyeom. “You must know him longer than I do...” the older man said in an unusual way, making the women laugh and the boy rolling his eyes.

“Has he always been cocky that way?” Jaebeom got into the conversation, making everyone laugh even more. “Because that's what he's like to us”.

“Yeah, he's always been like that!” one of the women let out as if it were a joke, making Yugyeom put his hands on his face, pretending to be ashamed. “But joking aside, how could you two have become such friends like that? I guys seemed so close”.

“After spending nine months together” Joy laughed. “It was impossible not to be like this, right guys? It was simply inevitable”.

“Some more than the others. Of course!” Youngjae pinned Yugyeom and Jinyoung, who laughed impatiently and complained. “They're a lot better now, I think we can all say that”.

“It is true.” Bambam nodded. “If you want to know, at first they could barely sit next to each other, now they even touch their knees!” he pointed out, making everyone laugh even more. “This is lovely guys”.

“A movie can change a man's life you know.” Yugyeom played with one of Bambam’s lines, who showed his tongue in a national network and made Jackson die in embarrassment. “But they're right. At first, it was really hard” the actor sighed shrugging, looking directly to him. “We still have our fights moments but we can sort things out more easily now, right? I believe that Jinyoung hyung is a person with an incredible mind and that's why he has so many fans. I feel proud to work with him on this film”.

“Uhu.” Bambam nodded. “We've all had great experiences. It's my first movie and I couldn’t be here if it weren’t for Jinyoung and Jackson hyung, they've created opportunities for all of us and they're the ones who believe the most in this”.

“Yeah, really. They are amazing.” Joy whispered.

“It's really fantastic...” the other hostess smiled. “We are very grateful to receive you guys, to hear these words that I'm sure will make many fans happy!”

At the end of her sentence, she called the interval and stood up to thank everyone for the presence. Yugyeom smiled saying that one of them was his noona and that they used to drink together when they had time because they had met in a roommates program and had been in contact ever since.

He even commented that Jinyoung was a fan of the show and that Bambam had not slept knowing that both were interviewing them.

Jaebeom and Jackson looked at everything from a distance, patiently. The Chinese are happy to have really won the heart of many people thanks to their fantastic cast and Jinyoung's work. The Korean man was mad and intrigued by Yugyeom’s joy while he talks to Jinyoung alongside the two hostesses... to him, it was confused that the two men, who hated each other more than anything, were doing so well together.

**\- ii –**

Yugyeom laughed hoarsely, emitting all the emotions of his character while working with Vernon. They were in ACE troupe studio that, some people who followed them had been invited to watch some improvisations that afternoon.

Perhaps most of the guests didn’t know that behind the Chinese fox mask, the actor Kim Yugyeom was laughing so much while playing his character, who now had with Vernon’s body, the good fox, in his hands when he said he would eat the boy’s heart.

Yugyeom liked that part of his life, the tranquility he felt when he could act alongside his friends. He liked even more how people seemed to like them just because they were good actors, not because they had famous names, just because they were good at what they did as a team.

The applause echoed throughout the studio bringing a sense of peace to the boy's heart, who bowed with the rest of the cast and accepted all the cheering from the audience.

“Okay, okay... we want to thank all of you guys for tonight. I know some were wondering where our main actor was” S.Coups said referring to Yugyeom. “Why he is missing some pieces, but we wanted to make a more intimate presentation to say that soon he will have more time to be with us and that we will...” the boy paused dramatically, looking directly at some phone cameras pointed for them. “Attend the Seoul National Theater Competition at the end of this year!”

Yugyeom was surprised. He knew that S.Coups and Noa were trying to get a place in the national theater competition at the end of the year, but had no idea that they had actually gotten a place since it was difficult to get into the competition being from such a small studio.

“Is that really serious?” Yugyeom whispered from behind his mask, receiving a nod from Woozi. “Fuck!”

After a few more screams, words of thanks and photos, everyone dissipating and the actors were sitting on the floor of the studio. As soon as they were alone Yugyeom took off his mask.

"Are _you guys_ going to the national contest?"

Noa, who was arranging the glasses on the table, turned to his friend in the center of the studio:

“What do you mean by ‘you guys’?” He asked. “ _We_ will”.

Yugyeom opened and closed his mouth. He couldn’t participate in the Seoul national contest. Most of the pieces accepted were recent adaptations, which didn’t use masks or makeup that could hide their face from the public. He couldn’t simply participate in a contest like that being linked to a contract with DORYA studio and Bloodsport movie.

He couldn’t even be with the troupe at that moment, his contract wouldn’t allow him.

“I know you are upset, but...” the actor swallowed. “I cannot do it, my contract ends in December, the contest is in October”.

“You're joking, right?” Dino turned to the older man. “You know we need you... if your manage talks to the producers, you can be released”.

“It's not just the movie.” Yugyeom sighed. “My contract doesn’t allow me to do it. It's enough what happened in Jeju, that gave me the biggest problem in the company and-”

“We understand.” Noa said seriously, approaching his friends. “You cannot be tied to an amateur team, your face is too important to play a part that doesn’t allow you to wear a mask right?” he said rudely as if he wanted to piss Yugyeom off. “Sorry that we aren’t famous”.

“It’s not because of it”.

“Is what it seems.” S.Coups agreed with Noa. “We always help you with what you need, we're always ready to make you comfortable on stage but now that we can participate in something great you cannot help?”

He couldn’t.

It wasn’t just because he couldn’t relate to amateur actors, being in the troupe wasn’t a problem for his image in Yugyeom's head. But he couldn’t break the clauses of his contract, because his mother or Jinyoung could use it against him, and perhaps that meant losing the control he had in his own life now. He wasn’t willing himself to lose it.

“I'm sorry, but I cannot do this”.

Woozi opened his mouth to say something but gave up as he saw S.Coups get up and walk out the door of the studio without saying anything. He knew how much those changes meant for him and Yugyeom not being present for so long ended up damaging the dynamics of most of the plays they do.

“We've been taken out of three events because we cannot find anyone to put them in their place.” Vernon whispered. “Noa hyung cannot get your papers because he has two jobs to handle. We're trying to make other adaptations, but the vast majority of our fans keep asking us to do the parts that need you...” the American looked directly at the actor, hoping he would understand how much they needed him. “We need you”.

Yugyeom looked at Noa, who was in deep silence as if thinking of something to tell the younger boy to change his mind about it. Noa had left the troupe because he needed to work on a second job because of his bills, so he didn’t have time to be with his friends forever.

“We're going to have to find a new actor” was what the Japanese said to them. “Right Yugyeom-ah?”

He didn’t want to leave the troupe, he loved what he did with his friends and was always willing to go over anything to be with them but not this time. This time Kim Yugyeom couldn’t simply give up with everything because now he could finally say what he thought, act as he wanted, wear what he liked.

He could make a movie without his mother having to control every step he does. He didn’t want to give it up.

“I am so sorry guys”.

**\- c –**

The first thing the boy heard when he entered the house was his brothers' laughter, then his mother's voice and a man he didn’t recognize. Yugyeom dropped his jacket and walked toward the voices, stopping a few paces from where they were.

“Oh dear!” mrs. Kang smiled at the boy. “I'm glad you're here. We were waiting for dinner”.

“I ate on the street.” Yugyeom said looking at the man next to his mother. “Are not you going to introduce me to your guest?”

“Ah!” the woman laughed. “This is mr. Oh. Sehun’s father”.

Yugyeom's face changed. He was being with Oh Sehun a few months since his mother was removed from that job, but Yugyeom hadn’t met the boy's parents.

“Oh!” he whispers confused, approaching to greet the man, who smiled happily to him. “I didn’t know you were waiting for you. I am sorry for letting you waiting so much.” the actor said with embarrassment. “Is Sehun hyung here too?”

“ _Any_.” Yujin answer. “Mama wanted to thank Sehun for being so good to you these last days, so she invited him to come, but the company had sent him to make some new contracts for you, so mr. Oh, come in his son's place”.

The smile that had been born on Yugyeom's face slowly faded. Why did his mother want to thank Sehun if she hated him more than anything for taking her place?

“Ah, I see.” Yugyeom nodded, looking directly at the woman who smiled excitedly in front of him. “Omma, can we talk for a minute? I want to tell you something about the movie…” he looked at Sehun's father with a smirk. “It's a spoiler!”

“Oh, my granddaughters are excited to see you in this movie mrs. Kim.” mr. Oh laughed. “But I'm not going to ask you to tell me, I want to wait until I can see it in the movies. It's going to be fun”.

Yugyeom nodded with a fake smile, following his mother upstairs, where he locked himself in her room.

“Why are you giving a thanks dinner to Sehun hyung?”

“Because he has done a great job with you? I mean, your name is on the charts of the moment, everyone has been talking about your work with this movie...” mrs. Kang smiled naively, smoothing her son's pretty cheek. “Is not that enough to thank him?”

Kim Yugyeom could be many things, but he wasn’t stupid enough to believe in his mother. He knew something didn’t make sense because the woman hated the idea of her son making a gay movie, and she hated Sehun for taking her job so it was impossible for her to be happy.

“Really?” but he didn’t want to miss the chance to catch his mother unprepared, to find out what she was up to. So he just ignored the tingling in the back of his neck to laugh at that madness and acted like the actor he was. “It makes sense. I'm glad you finally see how good this movie is and that Sehun hyung work has been fundamental to my career”.

“Yeah sweet, I can see that now”.

Yugyeom nodded, staring at the woman.

She is lying about something. He could feel it in his bones.

“Too bad hyung couldn’t come tonight, but I bet he is glad to be recognized that way for you, mama”.

Mrs. Kang nodded smiling, smoothing her son's hand gently.

“I know that we have our problems and that I have controlled you for many years, but I want you to know that I am willing to change our relationship dear...” surely, something was wrong. Mrs. Kang was fake it and Yugyeom knew it only by the way his voice sounded. “I hope this action shows you how willing I am to support you in your decisions”.

Yugyeom wants to laugh, loud enough to wake the whole block from where they lived. It was ridiculous that she was even acting with him after so many years of madness.

“Mama…” the boy tightened his fingers around her hand, hard, like a scared little boy. “You don’t know how long I've waited to hear this from you. I'm really happy to know you've finally realized that I can make things work, you just have to trust me”.

However, she did not trust him. And he did not trust her.

Bo-Young smiled sideways, coming up to give the boy a hug, who laid his face on her neck and hugged her back.

“I feel like things are going to get much better between us now”.

“Huh. I think the same.” Yugyeom murmured, moving his face enough to smell his mother's perfume. He closed his eyes for a moment, before saying to her: “Ah, omma… I left the ACE troupe”.

**\- iii -**

“Again!” Jackson screamed again, squeezing his temples hard. They were repeating that same scene to almost an hour. By that time, even the actors who were on stage were tired of it. “I said do it again!”

Yugyeom sighed heavily, feeling his back burn from the way Jaebeom shoved him against the wall one time after others in that scene.

“I need to retouch his makeup...” Eujin whispered to Sana because she was afraid to speak with Jackson or Jinyoung now. “His neck is starting to get too red... talk to Jackson”.

“Hey, Jackson?” Sana called to the Chinese, folding her arms impatiently. “Eujin wants to touch up Yugyeom’s makeup, his neck is starting to get red spots. Can we stop a little?”

Jackson Wang was exhausted as the rest of his cast. He knew they were paying too much attention to that scene, but Jinyoung had made him promise not to leave it until both Yugyeom and Jaebeom were giving their all. Maybe because he realizing how strange they were in the hottest scenes, perhaps he wants to test his theory that Jaebeom and Yugyeom were together, but he wanted to get something carnal out of them... they weren’t even close to that.

“5 minutes to touch up makeup guys!”

Yugyeom whispered 'thank you' like a prayer and ran off the set, grabbing a bottle of water and drinking it all at once.

He was tired, hungry, thirsty, and feeling dirty by the way Jaebeom's hands had caught him every time as if the sweat from the elder hands was beginning to make his skin sticky. He just wanted to get it all over and go home to sleep.

Eujin had a staff touch up the boy's make-up.

“You look tired.” she said to the actor with a sigh. “Cannot you do the scene the way he wants to end it and you two can rest?”

“I would if I knew how he wanted...” Jaebeom sighed, knowing everyone was impatient after so long. “I have no idea where we're going wrong or what else they want to see”.

“Maybe if you ask…”

“I will not-”

“I can ask.” they heard Yugyeom. Jaebeom had tried to speak to Jackson and had received an ugly look from his question, so he didn’t want to piss the director off again. However, Yugyeom didn’t care for ugly faces, he could deal with everything. “I’ll talk to him”.

“Are you sure?” Sana asked. “They look really angry today. I don’t know if it's a good idea for you to talk to them Gyeom...”

“I don’t care. I’ll talk to him.” Yugyeom smiled, putting a lemon candy on the tip of his tongue before taking it into the inside of his mouth and sucking the sugar. Without waiting for an answer, he turned away and headed toward the two biggest filmmakers. “Hyung?”

“Huh?” both turned. “Ah. Hi Yugyeomie” the Chinese didn’t look any warmth, just anxiety. “What do you want?”

“Ah... it's about this scene, we repeat it more than 20 times and we still have not hit it” the younger one says with a relaxed posture. He really was not afraid of anyone. “Cannot you just say what you want?”

“But we don’t say it a thousand times already?” Jinyoung laughed, folding the manuscript in his hands. “He's giving tips for hours and both of you aren’t listening to him”.

Yugyeom frowned.

“I'm sorry to say it, but if there is a clue... you're giving them in a very hidden way because neither Jaebeom nor I have any notion-”

“Just go there and repeat the scene until I say it's fine.” Jackson Wang interrupted the actor, turning around again to speak to the camera director. “Just do it, please”.

Yugyeom cast an inquiring glance at Jinyoung who shrugged. He sights and walks to his place again, with Jaebeom and Sana.

“So? What did they say?”

“They want to kill us from exhaustion.” Yugyeom sighed impatiently, tiredly. He just wanted to take a shower! He heard Jackson calling everyone back to the set. “I just wanted to go home... is it too much to asking for?”

**\- c -**

“Again!” an hour later Jackson had released some scenes for the editing and photographing team, Yugyeom’s instructor had been dismissed and the rest of the cast, those who had footage on that set, were busy. Bambam and Youngjae, who were spending more and more time with Yugyeom, was lying on a bed, watching their friends' intense recording that scene again. “How many times do we have to repeat this shit for God's sake!”

Yugyeom licked his lips, red and sore from how many times Jaebeom had kissed him. The younger's back was sensitive, the skin was probably irritated after being thrown on the wall.

He rubbed at his scalp, feeling more and more impatient. Sana ran to the middle of the set and gave a glass of water to them, who was panting. She screamed for staff to do their makeup again and wipe their sweating. Jackson went to Jaebeom, saying something intense to the older man as if he couldn’t take any more of the mistakes they were making.

Yugyeom took a deep breath and went to the station of objects, taking his phone for a brief moment.

 **to:** saya  
Can I give up my career and start working as a salesperson???

The answer came instantly as if Saya was waiting for the messages from the younger boy, who laughed as he felt someone dry his neck.

 **from:** saya  
if you do, who will give me beautiful pictures and will bring me travel business souvenirs?

Yugyeom hadn’t said what he really doing for a living. He didn’t want to ruin the friendship he had built with Saya just because he was Kim Yugyeom and he liked to make up stories, to tell about the objects he encountered on his travels... but he preferred to pretend he is only a curator, not an actor.

 **from:** saya  
you know what, you’re probably right

 **| 23:45 pm:** just take a deep breath, clear your mind, and do your best... I am sure you'll be able to find what you're looking for.

Yugyeom smiled with closed lips, aware that in his life few people treated him in such a common way. He dropped his phone because Jinyoung's voice asks everyone to return to their places.

“Teach me!” Yugyeom asked firmly, holding the writer's arm. Jinyoung turned to him with a confused look. “What are we doing wrong today, _hyung_? Show me and I do what you want”.

The look on Park Jinyoung's face might not be something common for Kim Yugyeom, but the writer was finally beginning to feel comfortable with the idea of the boy being his main character. It was good that he had changed his attitude, Jinyoung liked that.

“Recording!” he shouted, startling everyone and Yugyeom, who widened his eyes as he was pulled into the middle of the set, where he and Jaebeom were supposed to be finishing the scene that had been given to them as the most important task that day. Jinyoung pushed Yugyeom against the wall, breathing like a wild animal. “ _Yohanie_...”

If Yugyeom could describe the look on Jinyoung's face, that would be the truest sentence: the expression of a savage animal, who pushed him hard against the wall, holding his shoulders tightly before his lips pressed against his neck.

Yugyeom closed his eyes, impressed with the temperature of Jinyoung's lips on his skin, his hands tightening his body, the noises the older man made just turn his mind in a mess, but he didn’t kiss him.

While Jinyoung surprised everyone, Jackson showed Jaebeom their expressions across the screen, as Yugyeom's chest seemed wild as it moved because of his surprised, utterly real breathing, with his bottom lips trembling so much.

Jaebeom clenched his jaw.

Jinyoung licked his lips and turned Yugyeom’s body, holding the boy's head against the wall hard, listening to a hoarse, gasping groan. When his hand went down to his pants, making noise with his belt when Jackson moved his fingers for Sana to scream 'cut'. And just as surprised that Jinyoung approached, he left, leaving Yugyeom gasping.

The boy shook his head, pressing his forehead against the cold wall to calm his temperature. Bambam and Youngjae, from where they were lying down, shouted Jinyoung's name and applauded, because the scene, even a demonstration, had been flawless.

“I could see the lust in the whole scene!” Bambam said running to them with a big smile. “When Jinyoung hyung turned Yugyeom’s body, my God, I almost died from heart, it was so... so wild!”

Wild.

It was how Yugyeom described the feel of Jinyoung's hands on his body. Wild, savage as an animal that has no pity for its prey, who wants to devour every bit of its reward no matter how much it will hurt.

Yugyeom's ears and skin were numb, sensitive, but it was his heart that seemed to ache more because breathing properly was a difficult task at that moment. Something crosses his mind… something that Yujin and his stepmother had told him. _When it happens… it’s happens._

“Did you see that?” he was startled to hear the writer's voice. His eyes widened and he pulled away from the wall, closing the waistband of his pants. Jinyoung laughed. “That's what we want, that you look primitive, surprised, desperate for Jaebeom’s touch”.

Yugyeom pursed his lips.

“Exhaustion is a tactic for a more savage scene... but if you don’t use that to please us? We're never going to leave this studio.” the man explains patient, touch his hair. “Do you understand what I mean?”

Yugyeom nodded, drinking some water.

Jinyoung analyzed something. He wasn’t sure if the boy had really understood, but maybe Jaebeom did after watching them with Jackson. He breathed in harshly and moved his hand in the air, giving the signal that they were ready to filming again.

“Let's try to do this in one shoot” Jackson says calmly, waving his hands so they would all go to their places. “I want to see the wilder side of you, look as if you really haven’t touched each other for weeks, as if being together now is too carnal for you to limit such encounters to ties as human affection”.

“But without forgetting that you love each other despite this, for God’s sake!” Jinyoung beat his friend, who laughed. “Okay. We're releasing the recording in a surprising way... I hope you do not-”

“Action!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to talk with me... about anything, you can text me in Twitter @jinyoungsmeat :)))  
> Thank you for your love!


	16. can i ask you something?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yugyeom?”
> 
> Yugyeom threw his arms around the man's neck, feeling his feet ache from so much that he had run to that apartment in the center of Seoul, almost an hour away from where his father lived with his younger sister and stepmother.
> 
> “Hey, hey calm down...” he asked frightened, pulling the younger so he could look down at his face. “What happen to you?”
> 
> “Can I ask you something?”

**\- i -**

Yugyeom was trying not to think.

Whenever he had his mind unoccupied, he tried in every way to think of nothing, because whenever he did that he would regret it. Not just because he thought he was going crazy, but because he refused to trust in his evil thoughts.

So he was trying not to think of anything at all.

However, not thinking about anything was extremely difficult, because the people around and the situations of his life seemed to put Yugyeom is a constant ordeal of strength.

For example, it was impossible not to try to think of something obscene when his brother forced him to watch a +18 movie with him because they had nothing better to do on the weekend.

And even worse than seeing a movie with his brother, he went to the studio on Monday and came across Jaebeom shirtless, which suddenly caught his attention more than usual and Yugyeom was unable to take his eyes off the old man... even after he had said with all his heart that he saw him no differently than a friend.

“It's everything all right?” Jinyoung asked suddenly, placing a hand on the back of Yugyeom's neck. The younger one felt his skin twitch with the touch, but he did not draw any emotion. “Why are you so quiet?”

“I am?” he asked in surprise, taking his eyes off Jaebeom's body to focus on his lines. “I am just memorizing a few things before we start filming today”.

“Are you sure?” Jinyoung and Jackson were still suspicious of Yugyeom and Jaebeom, although things had cooled between them, there were still a few glances that drew the attention. “Is it nothing to do with Jaebeom?”

“What?” he laughed, trying to get away from the writer's touch, who laughed and gripped his neck again, harder. “Are you going to strangle me?”

“No, why would I do that?” Jinyoung asked sympathetically, rubbing his fingers against the younger man's skin. “It's just a fondness touch”.

“Fondness touch? In me?” he laughed mockingly. “Speak up what you want from me hyung, I know you well enough to know that you cannot be affectionate to me... you hate me”.

“Yeah, you are right.” Jinyoung nodded smiling, pulling his hand away from Yugyeom’s neck. They laugh together. “But seriously, is something wrong? You do not take your eyes off him”.

Yugyeom shrugged, not taking his eyes off the script anymore.

“It's no big deal, I was curious about his tattoo.” Park Jinyoung turned in his chair, trying to look. He had never seen Jaebeom without makeup too, the boy's tattoo was unknown to him. “Noona always puts makeup on his shirtless scenes, so I was curious about it”.

Jinyoung nodded. Jaebeom had something written on his left rib.

“You two and Youngjae give us horrible expenses with these things you know” the writer said, referring to the tattoos. “Why the hell do you do this if you know you need to give your bodies to your characters?”

“Artistic make up exists for that, you know right?” Yugyeom sneered. “Besides that our profession cannot interfere with our personal tastes. You should know that hyung... wasn’t you who had a tongue piercing until a while back?” he asked raising an eyebrow, watching Jinyoung make a confused expression. “Jackson hyung can tell you anything when he's drunk”.

“What a big son of a bitch, do not you think?”

Yugyeom nodded with a closed-mouth grin.

Jinyoung still had some doubts about the boy, regarding his integrity and control, but he had come to enjoy talking to him. Maybe because Yugyeom was a good listener and always had something really mature to tell the older man.

“How many tattoos do you have?”

“Why the interest?”

“I cannot be interested in my main actor?”

Yugyeom bites his mouth.

“How many do you think I have?” Jinyoung shrugged. “Give a try”.

“What do I get if I get it right?” the older one asked, placing his feet on Yugyeom's thighs, which smirked and nudged his cheek inside with the tip of his tongue. “Huh? What do I get?”

“Whatever you want hyung” the actor shrugged. “If you get it right, you can ask for what you want”.

Park Jinyoung smiled suggestively as if he knew a secret that Yugyeom had no idea what it was. He moved forward, licking his lips, his face too close to Yugyeom’s. His eyes met Yugyeom's brown intensely:

“You have five tattoos...” the writer replied, teasing the actor's satisfied smile. Yugyeom pressed the script. “Jackson is not the only one who talks too much when he's drunk, did you know that Yugyeom?”

“Did I tell you that?” the boy asked mad to himself, watching the older man nodded. He rolled his eyes and snorted. “Okay, what do you want since you got that shit right?”

Park Jinyoung rose from the chair with a contented smile, thrusting his hands into his pockets and breathing in dramatically as he said:

“I want to see them all later”.

**\- c –**

Yugyeom was really struggling not to think of anything that might make him regret it because every time he let the thought run free he would roll around in his own bed, angry with himself for not being able to control his fucking body and feelings.

He took a deep breath, rubbing his face hard.

He didn’t know exactly why in the first few minutes, but he turned on the mattress and picked up the notebook, licked his lips as he turned the device on and opened an anonymous browser on Google.

Sehun used to check his history whenever possible, so Yugyeom used to do odd searches on the anonymous tab rather than simply erase the history because his manager always had a way of finding out what he was doing on the internet.

The first thing Yugyeom researched was: **how do you know if someone of the same sex of you is flirting?**

Even though he knew exactly how this happens, he wanted to find evidence to refute his dirty thoughts.

After some time reading comments, he found himself typing something that his brother had once commented: **porn hub**.

When the page opened, showing various advertisements and thumbnails of porn videos, the boy simply closed the notebook's cover and threw himself aside, hiding his face.

“Why are you researching this?” he asked himself, pressing his arm over his eyes. “It's not like I'm a 15-year-old virgin, right? Why not just call someone?”

However, he knew he couldn’t simply call one of his ex-girlfriends, not even Daisy — who used to be the most reliable person with whom Yugyeom could have sex without having to be in a relationship.

“You do not need this...” the actor whispered in frustration, rubbing his face harder as he turned on the bed. “Just get a phone call you idiot, Daisy can… fuck me. Why- fuck me, God, fuck me!”

Yugyeom took a deep breath, opening the notebook again, watching the page load once more. He gritted his teeth over his lips and scanned the list of categories, ignoring every time his mind screamed curiously about what he might find if he entered what his brother had suggested he look for.

After seeing two videos and having tried in vain to masturbate, Yugyeom gave up and clicked on the damn search space, typing in the words Yujin had told him.

When the page opened, the boy's eyes widened and he wanted to close the page before he made the biggest mistake of his life.

It was the first time in twenty-two years that Yugyeom was researching gay porn. Not even when he was in college, when his friends thought it funny to see any kind of shit to pass time, he had tried to enter that world... now he was catatonically facing the many videos.

He didn’t know exactly where to start, what video to click on, so he clicked on anything. The scare he took made a vomit sensation twitch all over his skin.

Yugyeom felt his phone.

 **Saya:**  
ya brat... why did you stop paying attention?

 **| 23:56 pm:** What are you doing?

Yugyeom opened the chat with a long sigh.

 **Dandelion:**  
hyung  
**| 23: 57pm:** I can tell you anything, right?

He didn’t trust many people when it came to his private life, but Saya didn’t know who he was behind that profile, so he didn’t have to care about the madness he was about to do.

 **Dandelion:**  
if I say I'm watching pornography...  
are you going to judge me?

 **Saya:** why would I judge you? I see it too

Yugyeom bit his lips, typing:

 **Dandelion:**  
but pornography like...  
**|00: 03 am:** gay porn

He narrowed his eyes, waiting for the laughter or the harsh words, but all he received was:

 **Saya:** check this [link] out, you will like it

Yugyeom stared at the message for a long, confused for a moment. He didn’t know if Saya was sending a link that would direct him to the police forum or a psychiatric hospital, or if he was sending a porn video for real to him. He bites his bottom lip.

It wasn’t on porn hub, it was on twitter.

He gritted his teeth without knowing if he should even be accessing it through his personal phone. Yugyeom turned on the bed, opening a new anonymous flap and typing each letter of the link Saya had sent him.

As the window charged, Yugyeom's brown eyes widened and his lips slowly opened. He plugged the headphones into the notebook and sighed deeply before giving play.

In twenty-two years he had never seen anything like it.

Kim Yugyeom's heartbeats were racing slowly, his skin growing hot and sensitive with the sounds of moans that echoed in his head and his breathing weighed, making him swallow hard.

If he could describe what he was feeling while watching two guys have sex, Yugyeom probably would have been confused in all his words, because he was more confused than ever. He knew that in some situations it was impossible to control his body, especially when he was a public person and couldn’t always be with someone in his bed, but he was sure that he had never felt as needy as he was feeling that moment.

Unconsciously he turned on the bed, his earphones still in his ears as the video repeated several times, and licked his lips, gasping for the feel of his hand as he slipped it into his sleep pants and took his own dick. The boy closed his eyes tightly, trying not to react to the sensation on his limb when the boy in the video groan too loudly, causing shivers on his skin.

“Yugyeom, I-”

The boy tore off the earphones so fast, so hard, he screamed for the pain in his ears. He sat on the bed, staring at his older brother with wide eyes. Yujin rolled his eyes toward the notebook's screen, becoming more open-mouthed at what his younger brother was watching.

“It's nothing like what you're thinking-”

“Holy shit, you're so gay!” Yujin wanted to scream, but he was afraid that his mother or Yuri would end up listening. He closed the door. “What the fuck are you watching dude?” he asked kneeling next to the bed, trying to get the notebook. Yugyeom tore the device out of his hands. “You were watching gay porn...”

“Hyung” Yugyeom whined, closing the device and putting it into the drawer. He couldn’t even look at his brother. “Can you leave my room?”

“What? Why?” Yujin asked laughing. “I want to see what you were watching... by the way, how did it feel to you? You get hard-”

“Get out of my room!” Yugyeom cried out punching the dresser, causing Yujin to be startled about his anger. It had been some time since Yugyeom had to have a blow-up. “Please... just leave me alone”.

“Yugyeom, what was it... you do not need-”

“Get the fuck out of my fucking room you fucker!” he screamed as he turned, grabbing Yujin by the arm and pushing him out of the room with wild screams as if he wanted to break something.

As the door closed, Kim Yugyeom spun around and punched the nearest wall he could really see with his cloudy eyes.

**\- ii –**

Yujin and Yugyeom weren’t talking to each other. The older man had even tried to talk to the younger ones, but the actor didn’t answer even once. Whenever Yujin asked something, Yugyeom just ignored him completely. Yuri had even intruded into a fight between them, saying that she was tired of the tense atmosphere. However, not even that made the actor talk to his older brother.

Yujin had called his father to talk and ask what he should do about the situation — of course, the man didn’t explain everything.

“ _You know he is like a time bomb when he gets mad at something,_ bear.” Kwang-min said weary sigh. “ _I think because your mother and I never gave him limits when it came to expressing his anger, he ended up never learning how to deal with it. It's sad to say, but you cannot do anything but give Yugyeom space and time_ ”.

Yujin understood that. Yugyeom had his whole life planned by his mother, but his father never intervened and when the boy started expressing his emotions through anger, they just locked him inside the room and the next day had some servants replace the broken stuff.

“I just wanted him to talk to me” Yujin muttered, running his hand down the back of his neck. “I'm getting married in nine weeks, he's my best man for God’s sake. What if we don’t make peace with me there?”

“ _So you're going to have to do Photoshop in the photos because I doubt he'll even show up at the ceremony_ ”.

“Appa!” Yujin wept sly, projecting his lips. “That cannot happen at all, you know that. I need him with me on my fucking wedding day”.

“ _Then give him time_.” Kwang-min reply and Yujin heard Yerim’s voice, his younger sister. “ _He's going to end up cooling his head at some point and you guys are going to have a chance to get things right by then just leave him alone. I’ll call him and ask him to come and spend a few hours with me, I know this will ease things_ ”.

“Are you sure?” Yujin sat down on the bed. “You didn’t see him that day, dad. He seemed to want to break my head…” the doctor sighed licking his bottom lip. “I don’t think it will be healthy for Yerim if he spends a few hours with you”.

Kwang-min smiled. He was glad to see that his children cared so much about each other, but he knew how to deal with Yugyeom now that things were different. Now that Bo-Young had no control over his decisions and the man was free, he could talk to his son without being afraid of anything, so it was actually easier to deal with him.

“ _Why don’t you and Yuri not see too then?”_ Kwang-min asked Yujin with a smile. “ _I think it'll be good... I'll talk to him and you take care of your sister. Yubinie is traveling, we were feeling lonely in this big house_ ”.

Yujin thought for a moment.

Maybe he should even take them to spend some time with their father. He could talk to Yugyeom without being afraid to take a punch or end up waking up in a hospital bed — Yujin’s mother would never stop her beloved profitable son's anger.

“Tomorrow?”

“ _Tomorrow!”_ Kwang-min nodded and smoothed Yerim's hair, which asked to speak to her brother. “It's a family date then”.

**\- c -**

“Why do I have to be there?” Yuri asked angrily, getting out of the car. “You know I had a date, do not you?”

“With that pretty girlfriend of you?”

“What?” the girl's eyes widened, her cheeks flushing with the older brother's teasing. “No! What the fuck are you talking about? With a boy, I had a date with a boy!”

Yujin smiled suggestively, nodding his head as if he really believed his sister — Yugyeom watched them silently, hating the fact that his older brother was so nosy about someone’s life like that.

He took a deep breath, making them both stop arguing and passed them both, opening the front door of his father's house.

“Oppa!” Yerim screamed the moment she saw him come through the door, leaving the backpack of his shoes in the doorway. The boy smiled and held her as the girl jumped into his arms, hugging him harder than necessary. “Daddy, they're here”.

“Ya, why do you always give more love to him than to the Yuri and me, Yerim?” Yujin grumbled, opening his arms to the girl, who slipped from Yugyeom's arms to her older brother's. “Wow, you're such a heavy girl now”.

“That's why I prefer him.” Yerim grunted, making Yuri laugh and stand on tiptoe to give a kiss on her chubby cheek. “Unnie, did you know that mom gave me a new hair toy? You can actually paint your hair... but it comes out in the water, in the bath”.

Yuri nodded happily, making Yujin put the girl on the floor.

“Dad!” Yerim shouted. “The dumb-dumb boys are in the living room, and I'll be in the room with unnie”.

“Dumb dumb boys?” Yujin cocked his upper lip. “Who taught you that?” he asked, watching the younger girl point at Yugyeom, who just slipped his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “Of course it was him huh. Yuri, for God's sake, teach our sister something good before her brain is definitely damaged by that foolishness Yugyeom says to her”.

“Why could I do that?” Yuri grumbled. “Leave the girl alone. Yerim, do you want to know what a jerk person is? Just look at your big brother there...” she teased. “He's the biggest jerk-”

“Be careful if what you say, young lady.” Kwang-min appeared with a smile, wiping his dirty hands. Yuri rolled her eyes and followed to her father, who kissed her forehead. “Are you okay? How is school? Your _mam_ wants to take you to buy some new sketchbooks when she comes back home... you still draw, right?”

“Why do you ask these questions whenever you see me?” Yuri sighed impatiently. “Huh. I know about everything. School is cool”.

“Really?”

“Of course this is…” Yujin intruded. “How could you not be cool with your new school with that pretty face huh?”

Yuri's eyes widened.

“Why do you always have to put your fingers in other people's lives dude?” Yugyeom snorted mad, leaning against the wall. “Stay out of her business, go live your fucking life”.

“Language Yugyeom, language.” Kwang-min rolls his eyes to Yerim and Yuri. “Honey, why don’t you take your sister to play? I need to talk to your brothers for a minute”.

“Great!” Yuri looked ugly at Yujin. “Maybe one of them will stop being annoying about my life...” she said turning to her sister. “Come on Yerim, come show me your new hair toy”.

**\- c -**

After finishing what he was doing, Kwang-min poured some wine for each and leaned against the marble of the kitchen island.

“What's the matter between you two?”

“Ask him” Yugyeom replied by drinking the wine, moving to pick up the bottle that was pushed away by his older brother. “Why do you always have to be an asshole?”

“I just do not want you to get drunk.” Yujin whispered impatiently to him. “You have recorded this af-”

“And it is of your business? I think not!” Yugyeom interrupted him with a loud voice. “I'm an adult, I can deal with-”

“Enough!” Kwang-min cut them off. “What kind of attitude is it between the two of you? Are you regressing to the time you two wear diapers? What the fuck kids!”

Yujin and Yugyeom snorted impatiently, sitting back in their chairs. The actor folded his arms and the doctor ran his hands through his hair, pulling some from his eyes.

“Yugyeom, your brother said you had a rage attack” Kwang-min crossed his arms. “He did not tell me exactly why, but it did not seem good to me. So I want to hear from you why you came to this end?”

Yugyeom looked at Yujin, unable to understand why his brother had said it to his father. Nothing had happened for real.

“Did you faint after you had the outbreak?” the boy denied. “Did you get hurt yourself?” he scratched his ear, pulling his hand out of his pocket for his father to see the bruise before he was even more pressed to speak. Kwang-min sighed. “What am I going to do with you Yugyeom?”

“Why does something have to be done?” the actor laughed. “I mean, you and mom haven’t done enough for all my life, why cannot you just walk away and let me live my fucking life the fucking way I want?”

Kwang-min clenched his fists.

He used to go as far as Bo-Young when he lived in the same house as her because he didn’t know how to deal with Yugyeom in particular. Once the man had slapped the boy's face to not know what to do.

“I want to give you some good slaps for that dirty tongue...”

“When do you or mom do not want to fucking slap me?” Yugyeom teased, taking the bottle of wine from Yujin's hand, which seemed stunned beside them. “If hit me was the answer, I'd be better now, do not you, dad?”

“I think so.” Kwang-min nodded, watching the boy turn another glass. Yujin looked at him in supplication. “I know I've made a mistake in many things... that you didn’t have an easy life thanks to your mother, and maybe thanks to me for not finding a better solution, but you're not a child anymore, _pumpkin_... you cannot continue to act like that because life has been unfair to you!” he growled. “People have difficulties and they go through it... why do not you see how strong you are? Huh? Why this fight with your brother?”

“Because he's a complete asshole who cannot stay away from my fucking privacy life!” Yugyeom shouted impatiently. He didn’t blame his father for his traumas, he knew the man was as hypothetical as he was then, but he hated it when they acted as if he were a complete lunatic for simply not improving. “And I cannot, okay? It's not as easy as it sounds to you... I just can’t do anything about this dad”.

“You're not being honest.” Yujin grunted. “You're talking about your problem, but you're using me as a reason. Tell the fucking truth!”

“Yujin...”

“Dad!” the doctor croaked. “Why do we have to pretend we're talking about my way of taking care of my brothers when he is clearly talking about his troubled mind?”

Yugyeom laughed.

He turned to his brother.

“You're an asshole.” he said seriously. “I'm sorry if not everyone can handle everything like you do, hyung. It must be a pain to have a brother who cannot move on when your life is a sea of roses, is not it?”

“I did not mean that”.

“Of course you wanted to mean that...” Yugyeom frowned. “You don’t know how much I've had to deal with this shit my whole life. I was only four when she decided on my life, ok! You think it is super easy to just wake up one day and say ‘hey mom, I am not going anymore be the person you want me to be’ do you?” he shouted too loudly, alarmed his father for any kind of situation it might cause. “But don’t worry, when I come to my next life, I'll remember to ask God not to put me in your life, so you'll be more relaxed about not having to use your normal fucking brain with me you fucking disturbed mind!”

“You can’t say it to me. I know mother fucked you up and I am sorry about that!” Yujin shouted too. “But you cannot blame me about you're problems, okay? I've tried to help you my whole life and whenever I try, you act like a complete son of a bitch. You think I want to be in that house with mom?” he asked, laughing. “I live there because of you... even Yuri, who is only 17 years old knows how to deal with her and live with her life, but of course you cannot, right? The poor guy had his mother fucked his fucking mind and-”

“Fuck you!” Yugyeom shoved him hard, knocking the glass bowl down. “Who do you think you're talking to me like that you fucking asshole? Did you help me? When? When did I beg someone to pay attention to me? When you beat me for breaking your toys or when mama beat the shit hell on me because you lie to her with my name?”

Yujin's eyes widened.

“Are you really just picking up the bad things?” he laughed without humor. “Are you really going to ignore everything I've done? The times I've been on your side?” Yujin asked. “I was a child Yugyeom! If dad could not do anything, how could I?”

“Enough!” Kwang-min screamed as they both rose. “Are you really going to fight in front of me? Are you going to hit each other?”

“He started when he decided to get in my life and talk shit to me”.

“I started it?” Yujin shouted being held by his father. “I'm sorry for being on your side all these years dear brother, for taking care of you more than I should... I didn’t know that I was choking your life and that I was getting too involved, I was just trying to make you a little happy in your fucking miserable life”.

“Well, just know that you just fucked everything up!” Yugyeom yelled back, pushing the chair. “What do you think your advice did to my head, huh? Do you think-”

“You cannot blame me for being confused about a guy!”

Kwang-min turned to Yujin, then to Yugyeom.

The actor's eyes looked like two balls, his mouth was open and he looked at his father in a way that probably betrayed all the feelings that were going through his head right now. He clenched his jaw and moved toward his brother, pushing his father away as he punched the older man.

Yugyeom screamed like an animal when Kwang-min held him, who eventually fell with him on the kitchen floor. Yuri and Yerim show up, the younger girl shouting for them to stop doing that, Yujin trying to pull her away because she understands what was happen.

“I know, I know, I know!” Kwang-min repeats to the boy, hearing him shout that he was going to kill Yujin. The man pressed his forehead to the boy's, holding his arms and causing the weight of his body to trap him beneath him. He tried to make Yugyeom look into his eyes. “It's okay _pumpkin_ , it's okay...”

“I'll kill you!” Yugyeom gasped, trying to get rid of his father. Suddenly he felt his heart squeeze, his face tingle, and his eyes heavy as his breathing slowed. “I'm going... I cannot... _appa_... breathe... I cannot...”

Kwang-min swallowed, holding his son's fists tightly, not letting go. Yugyeom used to act when he was angry, he always made someone believe his words but the old man knows him too well.

“ _Appa_...” he whimpered, his face turning red with so much force he was using to let go. “You are hurting me!”

“I know, sorry _baby_ ”. Kwang-min whispered out of breath. He turned to Yuri and shouted to the girl to take her sister out, who cried wanting to know what was happening. “Yujin, get a glass of water and his pills are in the first drawer...”

“ _Any!”_ Yugyeom hobbled out of breath. “I don’t want to take it, I do not want to take... please”.

Kwang-min felt his eyes burn with the image of his son because he hated it when it happens, he knew it was his fault, for never forbidding his ex-wife from hurting Yugyeom that way.

“I cannot believe you”.

“Dad...” Yugyeom felt his cheeks become wet, he sobbed closing his eyes, stopping fighting with his father. “I am sorry”.

Yujin stopped where he was.

He lifted his head and looked at them on the floor, surprised. Yugyeom had never say sorry while he was having a crisis, he always spoke harsh words, hurt people, broke things but he had never sincerely apologized.

“I am sorry dad… I am sorry”.

“Yugyeomie” Yujin whispered, his throat aching. He wanted to be able to cry for his brother, to apologize for making him so furious that way, but he was afraid of causing even more trouble. The man closed the drawer. “Dad, I don’t think he needs the pills”.

“Yujin-”

“Please!” Yugyeom sniffed at his father, his eyes red from the number of tears he had dropped. “If you medicate me I am going to be like a zombie all day long. I don’t want to feel that way, please... I swear I'll calm down, please dad... please, please”.

Kwang-min looked at him worriedly, not knowing if he could or not to trust the boy. He sighed deeply and placed his forehead against Yugyeom's again, breathing into his son's nose.

“I cannot see you that way _pumpkin_ ” he whispered. “It breaks my heart. I cannot see you that way anymore”.

Yugyeom whined, moving his head away from his father, swallowing his saliva as his breath failed again. He felt as if he would faint at any moment as if his throat was closing and he would die from lack of air.

“I'm sorry...” Yujin whispered, kneeling beside them. “If I had not gotten into your life that way… sorry, I didn’t want to cause it again”.

Kim Yugyeom narrowed his eyes, trying to control the thoughts that made him want to get up and hit his brother's head on the wall or the floor. It was difficult, controlling the sense of anger that exploded in his body... he had already tried to control it alone, but the doctors had to medicate the boy for most of his life. However, Yugyeom really wanted to be how his father and brother expected him to be, controlled.

It wasn’t easy, but it seemed that the force he was using against his father had discharged all his energy and suddenly all he felt was tingling, shortness of breath... sadness.

“I am sorry Yugyeomie”.

He licked his lips, feeling them sensitive, and then felt the father loosen his hands, but didn’t move from his body. Kwang-min stared at his son, wiping away his tears:

“I know...” he said as firmly as he could. Yugyeom put his hands in his eyes, squeezing without understanding anything. However, Yujin had understood from the beginning. “You know you like boys. I know it”.

**\- iii –**

The awkward silence had grown even worse when Yugyeom returned to his father's house after the filming of that day. Yujin had convinced his mother to let them stay the night because Yerim was feverish and his father needed help — it wasn’t easy to get, but they would sleep in Kwang-min’s place that night.

Yugyeom tried to run away from his father as much as he could. He ran into the room he used to sleep whenever he stayed in the man's house, spent more time than necessary in the bath, tried to think of several excuses to not go down for dinner and followed Yerim to every corner because he knew no one would try to say nothing with the child around.

However, sometime in the night, Yerim fell asleep and Yujin cornered Yugyeom in Hei-Ran’s office with his father and sister.

Yuri crossed his arms:

“Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?” she asked confused because no one had explained why Yugyeom had an anger blow-up that morning. The boy took a sharp breath and turned to the piano, opening the lid and touching a key. “Yugyeom _oppa_?”

“I'm sorry for today.” was what he said, playing another key on the piano. He didn’t know how to play it, but he had heard Jinyoung play for the cast after they had paused because Jackson had insisted the writer show his skills and the sound had stayed in the boy's head. “I don’t know what got into me”.

“Stop lying to me!” Yuri screamed, stamping her foot. “I know there's something going on... you and Yujin fought and today you had a crisis. Something is happening and you don’t tell me.” she cried unable to control the feeling of being excluded. “Why do you keep treating me like a child?”

“Because you do not understand!” Yugyeom said between his teeth, tapping another key forcefully, making the sound echo. “You're very silly and you don’t understand shit”.

“Do not talk to your sister like that Yugy-”

“Do you really think I have no idea what mom's been doing to you all these years?” Yuri interrupted her father with a sob. “I may be a few years younger than you, but I remember...” she said softly. Yuri had never hinted that she remembered her brother's childhood was like, she always talked about the good parts of her life, not how Yugyeom had lived until that year. “I never said anything because I was afraid to hurt your feelings more, but I remember”.

Yugyeom kept his eyes on the piano keys, rubbing his fingers over the instrument until he reached the last key, which he pressed hard.

“ _Oppa_...” Yuri tried again, speaking softly. She approached Yugyeom on the piano and knelt beside him, taking his hand. “Do you remember when you said that I could count on you for everything in my life? So why cannot you trust me now?”

He opened and closed his mouth.

How could he say something that he didn’t understand? In his head, he didn’t see a simple way to tell her what was happening, why he had freaked out with Yujin, and why he had tried to hit his big brother.

“I don’t think you remember how you got the scar on your back Yugyeom…” Kwang-min sighed deeply, approaching where his children were, sitting next to the boy. “You were only five when it happens and the doctors said you could be confused for a while... but when you woke up, you didn’t remember anything about that day”.

Yugyeom felt his father's hand rub the scar on his back. People always asked how he had hurt himself there, and the actor always said what his mother told him... he had gone through a glass door for not paying attention to where he was going. It was what they had said.

“I went through a glass door and-”

“Your mother beat you.” Kwang-min shook his head, his lips tightening in pain. “We had gone to spend some time at your grandmother's house and your cousins were vacationing with them that holydays.” the man says, feeling his children's eyes on him. “We left you and we went to talk to your mother's parents. She told Yujin to take care of you, but he ran away to see his friends... you were so quiet that she went upstairs to see if everything was okay.” he smiled as he watched their conflict expressions. “I think you thought you had no problem wearing your cousin's dress or saying that you wanted to grow up to date a handsome boy”.

“What?” Yugyeom whispered. “What are you talking about? I never said that I never did that!”

“I don’t know if she knew what she was doing at the time, it happened so fast... she hit you with some Hye-sun’s toy. You fell and hit your head on the dresser with the impact.” Kwang-min had promised Bo-Young never to tell Yugyeom what had really happened. No one else had seen what she has done. Yujin was out, the kid's grandparents had decided to stay with their daughter because Yugyeom was beginning to become famous at that time. “You always liked different things when you were a kid. Not that I believe there are no genders in kids' games, but you... ah, you've always been different”.

Yugyeom stood up, shaking his head.

“ _Any_. I don’t know what you're talking about...” he whispered in confusion, running his hands over his face. “That's new to me, right hyung? You know this is a mess, right? I mean, I've never... I was just projecting my character dad!”

Yujin opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what had really happened to his brother at that time. He had arrived at his grandparents' house and had been sent back to Seoul without anyone explaining anything to him. On the same day, their mother arrived with Yugyeom, saying that the boy had crossed the glass wall.

Yujin never thinks it as something stranger because his father had said the same thing and Yugyeom couldn’t remember what had happened. He didn’t know that his mother had caused that scar, that she had created a trauma like that on his brother. He didn’t know that.

“I-ah… you changed after the accident.” Kim Yujin whispered thoughtfully, trying to remember how his brother was before and after the accident at their grandparents' house. “Mom never left you alone for more than 3 minutes and I couldn’t stay with you alone too... they said it was for your own good.” the man says, feeling his body warm. ‘But you've changed Yugyeomie”.

“Did mom really do that?” Yuri whispered. “Did she hurt oppa that way and then did... she controls him that way?”

“Yes.” Kwang-min felt that his mind was heavy, clouded with all the memories. “And I didn’t do anything to stop her, because I thought it would be best if you never knew Yugyeomie, but you were always different from other boys from your age...” he says again, firmly, looking directly into the boy's terrified face, who shook his head. “I don’t know if it was because you liked boys that time, but for a long time, I felt that your mother took advantage of your lack of memory to make you never find out if that's what it would be in the future. She made a big effort to keep you from thinking about the things you used to like or talk about before the accident”.

Yugyeom felt his knees tremble.

“That's impossible...” he chuckled. “You want me to believe an accident made me not be gay?”

“No. I'm telling you that maybe you were discovering life when the accident happened and your mother did enough to cut it off... that she struggled for you to discover the world that she wanted you to have”.

Yugyeom chuckled in alarm.

“She's my mother!” he screamed, his eyes burning. “She's just mom... yeah she is a terrible person and harmed me in a lot of things, but she's my mother, dad. It would be too cruel, even for her and that cannot be humanly possible”.

“Some scholars believe that when you train an animal... it knows what to do or not. It's how psychologists have discovered the concept of behavioral psychology.” Yujin explains without really knowing if he should say something. He didn’t trust everything the theories said, but he had worked with enough people to know that human behavior could be modified and directed in so many ways. “You were a child, who had just been through a trauma, making you behave in a certain way wouldn’t be difficult if she had help...”

Kim Yugyeom laughed loudly, bending his body as he felt the spasms of laughter and then the crying that scratched his skin and made his head feel heavy with all the shit he was hearing. He stood up, putting his hand to his mouth, trying not to cry so loudly as he closed his eyes and turned to the wall, not knowing what to think or do.

He knew that Kang Bo-Young was crazy, that she had destroyed his life on several levels, but... he couldn’t believe she had actually trained him as an animal that way. He couldn’t just believe that a human being could be so rotten as to fuck someone else that way.

She had trained her own son... like an animal.

“Yugyeom!” Kwang-min yelled as the boy ran out of the room. The boy picked up his shoe and opened the door with difficulty, escaping from his father's hand. “Yugye-”

“Let him!” Yuri screamed, holding her father by the waist. She hid her face in the man's back, who stood watching his son run down the street towards the exit of the condominium without looking back, without even telling where he was going. “Leave him alone, please”.

**\- iv –**

“Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom threw his arms around the man's neck, feeling his feet ache from so much that he had run to that apartment in the center of Seoul, almost an hour away from where his father lived with his younger sister and stepmother.

“Hey, hey calm down...” he asked frightened, pulling the younger so he could look down at his face. “What happen to you?”

“Can I ask you something?” Kim Yugyeom sobbed, feeling the man's warm hands on his wet cheeks. He felt his chest burn from the breathlessness, but he had to do it before it was too late and the feeling despair from his body. “Can you kiss me hyung?”

“I-Oh what?”

“Please.” he pleaded, gripping the man fists. “Jinyoung hyung, please... can you kiss me?”


	17. you needed me so bad…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t dare touch Yugyeom back, but he was grateful that the boy understood that he had no intention of hurting him that way. Jinyoung was really glad to see him calmer now.
> 
> The writer sighed deeply, feeling the way Yugyeom's finger had scraped his skin before pulling away and he turned, hugging his own body before closing his eyes.
> 
> “You bring me home…”

**\- i -**

Sehun had just left mrs. Kang office when he ran into Kim Yugyeom, who was leaving his room as if he didn’t want to be discovered by anyone. The man frowned and walked over to the actor, touching his shoulder.

“Oops! Calm down.” Sehun smiled, not understanding why the boy was so alarmed. He took a good look at Yugyeom. “Are you going on on a trip and I have not been notified? Why the backpack?”

“Ah-I... hm.” Yugyeom bit his cheeks. He didn’t want anyone to know, but he was going to spend some time away from home. That was his last day of recording, and then his schedule had a two-week break, which was the time they would distribute the final trailer until he needed to be in the spotlight again. “Yeah, I am going to spend a few days with father.” he lied, even though he could trust Sehun. “You know I'm going to have a break of two weeks after today, so I thought it would be nice to spend time with my father... he's going to take Yerim to see-”

“Okay, okay. I think you'd better take a breath.” Sehun laughed, holding the boy by the shoulders. “You do not need so many explanations, I just wanted to make sure if someone changed your schedule and forget to notify me about it.” he explained, analyzing Yugyeom's scared expression. “I think it's going to be wonderful for you to spend a few days off, but why did not you tell me?”

“I forgot”.

“Oh. Okay. The company knows?” Sehun asked, but of course, he knew the answer. He sigh. “Promise you'll behave when you're away and I will not regret pretending they're aware of your missing for two weeks?”

“I promise!” Yugyeom said hurriedly because he wanted to get out of that house as soon as possible. He had been ignoring his mother ever since his father had told him all those things about what had happened to his back, how the woman had played with her son like a helpless animal. “I promise I will not do anything to make you regret covering me up this time, little-finger promise”.

Oh Sehun was someone that Yugyeom could lean on. The actor always saw his manage like Noa, an older friend he could count on whenever he needed it — the difference was that Sehun had a beautiful girlfriend and Noa wanted to date Yugyeom.

The actor knew he didn’t need to worry about being discovered, he just had to worry about not making any mistakes that would make him lose Sehun’s confidence in his decisions. He smiled as the man squeezed his shoulders because he had hurt it a few hours and was still sensitive:

“I'll see you in two weeks?” Yugyeom tried to hide the pain in his voice and Sehun nod patiently. “Thank you for not stopping me and please do not tell my mother”.

“Your mother? Who?” Sehun scoffed. “I have no idea who your mother is, boy...” he said with a shrug. Yugyeom laughed softly and walked away. “Hey, Yugyeom?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm proud of everything you've done so far”.

Yugyeom’s mother could be as evil as the devil. His father may have hidden important things and may have failed several times to protect him, but Yugyeom knew he could still count on good people in his life, people like Sehun who used to admire him without expecting anything in return.

“I wouldn’t have gotten here without you.” he said with a convincing laugh at the corner of his mouth. He knew that most of his trust in himself had come after Sehun because taking his mother away was just a crazy act. If the man hadn’t been sent to take care of Yugyeom, he would probably have succumbed to his mother's insistence and would have gone back to hell. “I'll see you in two weeks hyung”.

**\- c –**

“Your hand hasn’t healed yet?” Bambam asked Yugyeom, sitting next to him in the dressing room. “You sure you did not broke it?”

“Yeah, I am sure.” the younger one answered rudely, causing the Thai to push him. “I can tell when something is fractured or broken... it is not the case with my hand. It will pass”.

“Better do because I heard Jackson tell Jinyoung that you punched a wall...”

Yugyeom had to explain to Jackson what had happened to his hand because the Chinese one saw the purple spots on his skin and the director was too insistent for him not to say the truth. However, he hoped the Chinese wouldn’t tell Jinyoung, because he knew he would end up listening to a sermon.

Yugyeom moaned in frustration.

“Shit”.

“Yeah.” the Thai laughed. “Jinyoung hyung looked really pissed when he heard you hit a wall because you were angry or some shit like that”.

Park Jinyoung was a pain in the ass in every way. They could be doing well now, but it didn’t mean that the older man had stopped watching Yugyeom's footsteps because he always reminded him of how much he was willing to lose to keep his actors safe... safe from Yugyeom explosive behavior.

Therefore, the actor just got up leaving Bambam behind, ready to put on an innocent face and talk to Jinyoung about how it would never happen during a recording or close to the other actors in the Bloodsport cast.

“I don’t want to hear it.” Jinyoung held him as soon as he saw Yugyeom smile kindly at him. “Just want to see you go to the makeup, get dressed, and come and record your scenes. It’s our last day of filming for God’s sake!”

“But I thought-”

“That I was upset?” the director laughed. “I am, but I need to be professional. Can you be professional too? Do I need to worry about your anger today in this studio?” Yugyeom shook his head, biting his lips. He had never seen Jinyoung so cold and direct, he had seen him serious, but not cold. “Great. Go get ready for God’s sake, please!”

Hours later the sun had left Seoul’s blue sky, the cold night had arrived with an extravagant celebration, with loud music and many bottles of champagne. All the people involved, from directors to even simpler employees such as holding a portable blower, were celebrating the end of the filming from Bloodsport’s adaptation, writer by Park Jinyoung.

Perhaps the outsider’s people couldn’t understand how it was for a director to complete a job like that, which had been criticized and seen by many people as an indecency before it even went on the air, so Jackson couldn’t hold back the tears when the actor Sung Dong-il began to speak.

They were all too happy, too involved in celebrating the completion of their jobs to feel tired after they had worked non-stop for nine long months. The emotions that everyone was feeling at that moment might be similar to the discovery of first love or something that would make someone’s hearts quick and happy. They were ecstatic with joy.

 **Dandelion:**  
I'll finally have some peace.  
**| 23: 12 pm:** they gave me a vacation... finally!

 **Saya:** this means that you will be able to respond  
all my messages in less than an hour?

Yugyeom laughed, rolling his eyes and taking another sip of champagne before typing the answer:

 **Dandelion:**  
maybe  
**| 23:17 pm:** let's see how much you will do to  
hold my attention

 **Saya:** shit!  
**| 23:18 pm:** I better take some nudes to you then.

Yugyeom stared at the message for a long moment before allowing himself to laugh at it. Saya always said strange things, the actor always thought that he was looking for a breach for something. Now he knew the boy was just trying to check if Yugyeom would accept his jokes without acting like a complete asshole.

Perhaps he would never understand what his father had tried to explain about his childhood, about his having been different before the accident, and his mother playing with his behavior after that.

Perhaps Yugyeom could never see that fact as the cause of so much confusion in his love interests because he had never questioned himself until he met Jaebeom — maybe because he had never had time of this, never to have seen someone safely comfortable talking about homosexuality or perhaps never having known anyone as intense as Lim Jaebeom, but nothing seemed to answer that situation.

However, he had left his father's house with a horrible sensation in his chest, as if someone had just handed him a puzzle piece that didn’t have a beautiful image. The sensation dissipated only a few hours later when Jinyoung put him in bed and made him sleep a little after crying for hours.

 **from:** saya  
fuck, did I scare you with the nude joke?

No. He wasn’t scared about the nude's joke. Maybe if Saya had said that before the whole situation with Jaebeom, when Yugyeom was blind, deaf, and dumb in such a diverse world he would have been scared, but things were different now.

Now Yugyeom knew parts of his life that he could never imagine existed, and he had different thoughts and questions than he had nine months ago when he was still a hostage to his mother's wishes. Maybe he was intrigued, maybe his stomach had twisted without him noticing, but he wasn’t scared about that joke.

Not after hearing what Park Jinyoung had to say to him, after that he had stopped making himself afraid of things.

 **to:** saya  
No, I was just checking if I got any  
nude to send as answer... like retribution.

“Are you going to send retribution nude to someone?” Bambam asked, peering over his friend's shoulder. “Sorry dude! I didn’t mean to scare the shit on you”.

“Damn!” Yugyeom laughed, turning off his phone screen. “You will kill someone from heart hyung someday. Stop coming out of nowhere”.

“I didn’t come out of nowhere, it was you who was all distracted with your messages about nudes...” the boy teased, causing his eyebrows to dance. “So who are you going to send nudes for?”

Yugyeom opened his mouth to answer a lie, but Jinyoung's voice cut him off:

“What? Are you going to send nudes to someone?” the man asked frowning. Yugyeom twisted his mouth at Bambam and rolled his eyes, knowing the writer would probably scold him. “What's about this story, Yugyeom? Who are you going to send nudes to?”

“Someone named Saya. I think it’s a boy's name”.

“It’s a girl's name too!”

“Saya?” Park Jinyoung folded his arms, glancing suspiciously at the boy who just shrugged. “Bambam, can you give me two minutes with your friend alone? I need to talk to him”.

“Shit, I didn’t want to be you now Yugyeomie” Bambam teased as he got up from where he was sitting. “He'll probably hit you in the face”.

Park Jinyoung used to be a kind of puzzle in Kim Yugyeom's mind whenever he wanted as if pretending his expressions were something pleasurable because he knew he could confuse anyone. So the actor had no idea whether he would be reprimanded or not because the writer didn’t seem angry but did not look happy either.

“Who is Saya?”

“Someone”.

“Someone?” Jinyoung gritted his teeth. “Someone that you're going to send nudes to? Nudes that can fall on the internet and ruin your image even more? Don’t you think being recognized as an ice prince isn’t enough for this year Yugyeom?”

“This is Jaebeom hyung not me!” the younger moaned feeling a pinch on his arm. “The worst thing I've ever done in my life is to have approached you, hyung. Now you think you can abuse me, and-ouch dude!” Yugyeom quacked impatiently, stamping his foot at another pinch. He stared at Jinyoung with an ugly expression. “He's just a virtual friend!”

“You were going to send a nude to a virtual friend?” Yugyeom's phone rang and the writer to try to pick up the device. “Let me see the conversations with him... give me that fucking phone”.

“ _Any!”_ Yugyeom grunted defensively. “Who do you think you are?”

Jinyoung smiled slyly, suggestive like the Devil himself offering a contract to someone's soul. Sana passed close to them just as the writer replied:

“The person who's going to fuck you someday”.

Yugyeom's brown eyes widened and he coughed in his own air, unable to accept those words correctly. If there was anything he regretted, it was to have approached Park Jinyoung thinking he would be a good friend.

“That was so disgusting that my stomach-”

“Oh do not be dramatic after begging for me to kiss you!” Jinyoung cut him impatiently, approaching and taking the device from his hand. He grabbed the boy's index finger and pressed it in the reader. Yugyeom shouted. “I just want to make sure that you're not taking nudes and sending it to strangers, that could hurt us and we were at the most important moment of our-”

“You're just jealous.” the younger tried to joke, but his voice trembled in the end. Jinyoung laughed and continued to check the boy's messages, not finding the conversation Bambam had mentioned.

“Where is it...?”

“What?” Yugyeom smirked because he always slipped from his fake profile when someone was close. Jinyoung would never find his messages with Saya because he did it in the most secret way possible. He took the device from the man's hands. “I told you there was nothing there... you are so dramatic hyung. I cannot believe you tried reading my messages that way, how the shame of you”.

Park Jinyoung parted his lips, but he laughed. Kim Yugyeom was scolded him? The same Kim Yugyeom who had acted like a crybaby in his arms a few hours ago? Jinyoung can’t believe in that.

“You are a jerk”.

“Same as you hyung…” Yugyeom smile back roses up. “Anyways, sorry if I can’t talk to you more, I need to go see Jaebeom hyung. Bye”.

**\- c -**

Almost four hours later, when everyone was already drunk and the bodyguard began to worry about everyone's safety, they positioned a camera and crowded into a corner, in front of Song Yohan's bedroom set of footage to take out the last photo... as they had done the first day.

After they had said goodbye and sweet words, each found a safe way to get back home, Yugyeom ran to Jackson's office — where he had left his backpack hidden — before heading down to the garage with Jaebeom and Jungkook.

“Did you call your manager?” Jaebeom wanted to know. Yugyeom denied rubbing his hands because of the cold. “I can give you a ride, I just need to leave Jungkook at his new girlfriend's house”.

“She's not my girlfriend!” Jeon Jungkook grunted as he opened the front door because he always refused to go in the backseat. “She's just a close friend... stop pissing me off hyung”.

Yugyeom and Jaebeom laughed because they knew Jungkook had a crush on Joy... as did Youngjae — who all suspected they were having a secret relationship with the actress. Still, it was funny to see Jungkook's cheeks blush so much about his non-crush.

“Do you mind being later to go home?”

“Oh no need hyung.” Yugyeom answer, shoving his hands in the pockets to protect himself from the cold. He bit his lip and looked around the garage. “Ah... I called a friend. He should be here soon”.

Jaebeom's disappointment face made Yugyeom's heart tighten. He adored that man, they had had something really fascinating now that the younger could think of the whole situation differently, so it was uncomfortable to see him so disappointed.

Jaebeom sighed deeply and approached to give Yugyeom a hug, whispering in his ear that they should do something together.

“Just tell me when and where and I'll come to you.” he replied without thinking twice, watching the disappointed expression turn into a spark of joy. Maybe hope. Yugyeom spotted the black car approaching them. “I have to go now hyung. See you”.

“Isn’t Jinyoung's car?” Jaebeom asked confused, raising an eyebrow. Yugyeom opened the back door of the car and tossed his backpack there, hoping the older man hadn’t had time to take a look inside. The younger one shook his head no. “Ah... okay. I'll see you soon”.

“Bye Jungkook!”

He came in so fast, slamming the door so hard that Lim Jaebeom was startled for a moment before he saw the car leave the garage. He looked in the opposite direction... it was impossible that someone from outside had been released to enter the inner area, so... how did Yugyeom's friend come from the opposite side of the normal entrance to the private parking lot of the studio?

“I don’t know who he's trying to fool.” Jeon Jungkook laughed suspiciously, getting a confused look from his older friend. He made an obvious expression: “That is certainly Jinyoung hyung's car”.

**\- ii -**

Yugyeom's plans were certainly never to go to Park Jinyoung's house after leaving his family. He only realized that he was going in that direction when some car lights frightened him. He even thought to go back and call some of his friends to pick him up but his feet simply continued moving and Yugyeom ended up in Jinyoung's arms, with tears in his eyes and a question:

_Can you kiss me?_

He wasn’t thinking clearly when he whimpered those words to the older man, but he knew that if he went back, he could never have dissipated that suffocation feeling in his chest. It didn’t seem to make sense, but it was what he wanted right then, for someone to kiss him, to make him hold his breath and forget something... forget about a possible panic attack or a rage attack. Jinyoung was the closest person.

“Are you sure she will not be back until next weekend?” Yugyeom asked, throwing his backpack on the couch, turning on Jinyoung's apartment lights. “I don’t want to wake up and face that crazy woman staring at me like the last time”.

Jinyoung laughed, pulling back the curtains.

“I'm sure. She went to spend some time with her mother”.

Kim Yugyeom had come across Do Heejin the following morning when he slept in Park Jinyoung's apartment for the first time. The woman was wearing a sweater that the youngest thought to be of the writer, her hair was disheveled and her face drowsy.

Heejin screamed when she saw Yugyeom and then tried to throw a vase at the boy when he realized that he had spent the night in the same room as her ex-fiancé and possible father-son.

It took the writer to drag the woman into the guest room, where she used to spend most of the time — according to Jinyoung — since she had returned to live in that apartment, so he explained why Yugyeom was there.

That morning Heejin made it clear in every word that she hate Kim Yugyeom, that she regretted one day being his fan and hoping his career would sink. It was harsh words that offended him at first, but that quickly lost their meaning.

“Great!” he smiled, lying on the couch with his belly down, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He wanted to send a message to Saya to see if he was still awake. “Hey! What the fuck…”

Jinyoung slipped Yugyeom’s phone into his pocket.

“If you're going to spend this time with me you have to know that I have my rules, Yugyeom.” the man said angrily. “No phone while you're with me. I like to have attention. Nothing of-”

“I am leaving!” Yugyeom shouted. “It was cool while it lasted, thanks for the strength you gave me, but I'd rather go to sleep in Noa hyung if you're going to make me follow your rules! That's why she let you-”

“And nothing, at all, to talk about Heejin having abandoned me, asshole!” Jinyoung shouted back, hit him in the chest. “I give you shelter and that's how you treat me?”

“You gave me shelter because you want to fuck me!” Yugyeom countered without thinking, making the older man raise an eyebrow. They still hadn’t talked about it, about Yugyeom begging for kisses and about Jinyoung actually giving what he wanted. The boy caught his spit and sat down. “I spoke without thinking”.

Park Jinyoung licked his lips.

Perhaps no one knew this because he had dated Heejin for almost two whole lives before she had decided to betray him again — with the same person — but Park Jinyoung was much more than his sources on the internet said about him.

The night before Yugyeom had discovered that Jinyoung's father had died when the man was fifteen in a car accident — his father was as bad as Yugyeom's mother, and Jinyoung's mother had done everything to do her husband role by forcing her son to follow his example until Jinyoung ran away from home.

He had known Heejin for many years and since then the woman has lived cheating on him because of banal motives, such as financial trouble or drunkenness. Jinyoung always accepted her back because he was afraid to be alone because Heejin knew many of his secrets and he felt as if he would never trust anyone as much as he trusted her.

He also discovered that Heejin wasn’t Jinyoung's first girlfriend, that he had become involved with other people before he met her... that he had had a relationship with a man.

Park Jinyoung was definitely much more than the sources about him knew and Kim Yugyeom was fascinated by it because he felt like he was no longer the only one to have a fucked life and an existence lost in obscure secrets. Jinyoung was like him.

“I don’t know if I really want to fuck you…” the writer replied with a shrug. “I mean, how could I do this if you freak out every time I try to touch you? So, I am not sure I have enough patience to fuck you. Sorry, Gyeomie”.

“ _Ewc_. I hate it when you call me that.” the boy tried to soften the feeling in his stomach because Jinyoung was always too direct to make him remember his displeasure. Yugyeom had begged Jinyoung to kiss him, and when the eldest had given it to him, he simply began to speak that he didn’t want to kiss because it hurt his mouth. “I'll take a shower”.

He felt strange as if he were being attacked for not being completely sure what he was trying to do. It wasn’t so simple when Jaebeom thought or Noa wanted it to be, he couldn’t just wake up and feel totally comfortable with another man sticking his tongue into his mouth. He was trying to feel less nervous about it, but it was a difficult task even now that he thought differently.

“If you're going to do your tour of shame, do it in front of me and not behind my back. I already told you, it's no use getting embarrassed behind me and still waiting to feel comfortable next to me.” Jinyoung grunted holding Yugyeom by the arm. He squeezed the boy against his small body. “If you really want to take shortcuts in this whole situation, you need to get rid of all the normative shit you have in your head in front of me otherwise I cannot help you, Gyeomie”.

Yugyeom stared at Jinyoung's face as he felt he tight his hips. The boy pushed the top of his body away from a little, but he refused to respond.

They had kissed for a moment, until Yugyeom decided that this action hurt his lips and Jinyoung pushed him against the wall, saying that they didn’t have to kiss if he didn’t want to. Yugyeom was certain that he had never been so excited in his life with someone kissing his neck, but he was also sure that he had never felt so nauseated by it.

The sensations mixture made Jinyoung realize Yugyeom’s discomfort and he, literally, forced him to talk about what bothered him. They had spent hours talking about various subjects until the youngest felt comfortable enough to admit that it was still confusing to be kissing another man... that it was even more confusing than this man was Park Jinyoung.

Jinyoung laughed meekly and smoothed Yugyeom's cheeks, saying that it was totally understandable, since they had been into some fights for so long — though they still did it all the time even with all the alcohol friends terms they had.

“How about I bathe you?”

“No chance!” Yugyeom cut him off. “I don’t want to do this to you ever... like, never in my life. No thank you”.

“Chill, you just had to say no.” Jinyoung laughed, trying to bite Yugyeom's shoulder, which twitched and pinched the man. “You shower and I do something for us to eat... nothing to bathe together to save the Earth from the possible environment destruction”.

Yugyeom frowned.

“Damn you, you're a drama bitch!” he muttered, punching Jinyoung’s chest, who moaned and let him go. “Do something to eat please, I am hungry you idiot”.

**\- c -**

“I just don’t understand!” Yugyeom laughed taking another sip of wine. The day was almost dawning and they still hadn’t even slept a little. Jinyoung had a press conference the next morning with Jackson, and his eyes were swollen and red from the lack of sleep and the amount of alcohol they had ingested. “If I were her, I would have freaked out knowing you liked boys too”.

“This is called a lack of maturity and respect for the people choices Yugyeom. But okay, it is really up to you to be that guy”.

“What?” he shouted kicking Jinyoung. “You're going to say that if you were a different person with different thoughts... wouldn’t you find it strange to kiss a guy who kissed other guys? That he have being fuck-”

“I never did it.” Park Jinyoung said hastily, grinning. Yugyeom narrows his eyes. “Really. Not that I've ever had sex with a guy... I already did sex with another guy, I just never bottoming to one. Heejin appeared in my life before I tried to bottoming, I was always on top”.

Yugyeom's eyes widened, laughing at the infamous joke.

He shook his head, eating a tomato.

“I cannot imagine this situation. She should fucking love you at first, before doing all this shit to you…” the actor says thoughtfully. “It's like my parents. My _eomeonim_ told me that they loved each other a lot because they've been together for years until my mom freak out and mess with their wedding, you know? Heejin is crazy and impulsive like my mom but she probably fucking loved you to accept those things”.

Park Jinyoung nodded silently, remembering how easy and sweet things were with Do Heejin. He had loved her so much that it hurt to think that the baby she was expecting could a betrayal result. That he could lose the one constant thing in his life.

Yugyeom's smile dissolved slowly as he realized the stupidity he had just made when he spoke of Heejin like that. Of course, he would cause sad thoughts to Jinyoung by mentioning the love she should have felt for him before cheating on him that way.

Yugyeom moved on the bed and left a quick kiss on Jinyoung's lips, which look at him. He bit his mouth, looking away from the older man. Yugyeom just wanted to make Jinyoung feel as light as he was feeling now that he didn’t have to think about his family.

Jinyoung swallowed hard and moved on the bed too, holding Yugyeom's face in his hands before letting a little peck in his lips — he did not want to make the boy uncomfortable with another intense kiss, so a peck is good enough — before giving him another peck, in his neck.

Jackson had some theory about Yugyeom and Jaebeom were romantically together. That Yugyeom's mother was crazy and spanking him. Jinyoung wasn’t sure about the second choice because Yugyeom never mentioned physical aggression... but he was sure the younger hadn’t gone that far with Jaebeom because every time Jinyoung touched his body, it was as if Yugyeom was discovering something new.

Park Jinyoung would never have imagined that he would end up with Kim Yugyeom in his bed, listening to he breathes deeply as his lips pressed against his soft white skin, but he felt really proud of himself for finding that prize so tasty that the boy didn’t even know he was slowly giving to him.

“Shit.” Yugyeom moaned as Jinyoung sucked his skin, forcing himself to leave a mark. The boy moved his body, unable to control the spasms on his skin with the sensation, unable to shiver with the shape the older man had held against his body. “It hurts a little hyung…”

“You'll get used to it.” Jinyoung whispered licking the spot, trying to get a good look at the boy's expression in his arms, which was closed-eyed and legs spread. He smiled. “Just don’t think too much and you'll get used to it soon enough.” the writer says biting his lips, watching Yugyeom frown in delight as he kissed another spot on his neck. “You're beautiful”.

“Hyung...!” Yugyeom whined, not knowing why his thighs were so tingling and his throat ached that way. It wasn’t as if he'd never been praised by anyone else before, but Jinyoung's voice made those words too sexy. The actor tried to hold Jinyoung's hands as he felt him shoved them up inside her t-shirt, touching his abs. Yugyeom contracted all his fingers, trying to push his body back on the mattress. “Touch me”.

Jinyoung stopped what he was doing, looking surprised at Yugyeom's eyes on him. He looks amazing with that look in his eyes.

“Are you sure?”

He wasn’t sure of anything else in his life.

“Yeah, please…” the boy bit his lip. “Please fucking touch me”.

His mind clouded the instant Jinyoung stepped back and lowered his hand down, rubbing his palm over Yugyeom's dick and pressing his hips against him.

The groan that escaped his throat made him ashamed.

“Oh shit!”

Park Jinyoung smiled licking his lips, stunned by the fact that Yugyeom's face was so rosy and his skin got so hot with a simple touch of his hands — stunned that the boy was so hard despite saying he wasn’t sure if he could feel something if another man touched like that. He breathed hastily, using both hands to lower Yugyeom's sweatshirt enough.

“Ah shit... shit...” the actor shouted at Jinyoung’s touch, who went right into his cock without his pants or underwear as a barrier. Yugyeom’s body vibrated against the mattress, his skin burned sensibly and his lips parted the instant Jinyoung began to jerk him, using his fingerprints to rub his cock sensitive head. “Faster, please”.

There was something in the way he'd said it, like a command because Jinyoung grabbed his cock hard and began to jerk him more quickly, pulling out loud moans from Yugyeom.

Pre-cum started down Yugyeom's cock, making Jinyoung kiss his neck even more. The boy whispered something against his ear, but he didn’t hear, the oldest was deaf to the world and could only see that face visibly plunged in lust and pleasure as his hand forced him a little further, to his limit.

Kim Yugyeom grabbed Park Jinyoung's face, his red, swollen lips rubbing against the man before he rubbed the tip of his tongue between his lips and kissed him as if he had never kissed anyone before in his life.

The writer groaned desperately, rubbing himself against Yugyeom's thigh as he felt his mouth, rubbing his tongue in every hot corner he found, sucking Jinyoung’s lips, biting, moaning desperately, putting his forehead on him and kissing him back.

Jinyoung would go crazy at any moment.

“Cum for me.” he whispered against Yugyeom’s lips, brushing his own dick against his thigh again. “I know you want it, huh... I know you need me so badly in that way Gyeomie…” Park Jinyoung's voice quavered. He licked Yugyeom's lips and looked straight into his eyes before finally saying it again. “Just cum for me, sweet”.

Yugyeom's orgasm hit him harder, making him grab Jinyoung's neck and hide his face against his sweaty face, moaning with narrow eyes and fingers curled inward as he inaudibly whispered his name.

Jinyoung continued to jerk Yugyeom until he felt sensitive and trembling in his arms. However, the sensation didn’t last for long, because when he moved his face to kiss the boy and congratulate him on the new world he had discovered, Park Jinyoung was startled to see tears streaming down the boy's face.

“Gyeom-”

“Get off me…” Yugyeom whispered out of breath, his chest burning and his head spinning. His eyes were clouded by all the sensations he felt at that moment. Jinyoung touched his face, but he cringed on the bed and narrowed his eyes. “No, no, no, do not touch me!” he repeated frightened, shaking his head and trying to move his body away from Jinyoung's. “Shit”.

“Is it a rage attack?” Jinyoung asked worriedly, watching the boy deny it. “I... ah, how can I help? What are you feeling-”

“Why did you do this to me?” Yugyeom sobbed, putting his hand on his face. He had never felt so dirty in his entire life. “God, why you do that to… we shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t want to do it, I- why did you do this to me?” he asked scared, sitting up suddenly. Jinyoung saw him try to get up, but the man just grabbed him by the waist and made him lie down again. “Leave me!”

“You're just hyperventilating...” the older man whispered docilely, holding Yugyeom's face in his warm hands. He felt the boy struggle hard on the bed, grunting at his touch, his presence. Jinyoung felt his heartache. “It's just a kind of panic attack Gyeom-ah. I know it's scary, you don’t understand what's going on with your own body... ah, because I am a man, right? But it’s alright. You don’t need to be afraid-”

“I just want you to let me go.” Yugyeom whispered, closing his eyes, refusing to look at Jinyoung. “I am not scared, I am disgusted-”

Jinyoung turned away.

They were silent. Yugyeom lying with his eyes closed, sobbing with the sensation in his chest and Jinyoung stunned. No one had ever used that word with him in such a dirty way.

“Get out of the room, please”.

“I can’t”.

“Get out of the room!”

“I cannot do this and you know it!” he shouted back, looking at the boy who had put a pillow over his face. “I read about your condition, okay Yugyeom? You cannot be alone because you may end up fainting and hurting yourself. It may not be a crisis now, but you’re clearly hyperventilating and I cannot leave you alone... sorry”.

Yugyeom sobbed, turning on the bed, shrinking.

He wanted his brother or father. Anyone who could soothe the sensation on his skin, the disgusting thoughts that were sprouting in his head without him being able to control them. He wanted his father to be there to make him feel better.

Yugyeom's frightened thoughts go numb by Park Jinyoung's sudden voice, like a cry that echoed in a dark cave making a deafening silence coming up next. He sobbed against the pillow, feeling his face tingle at how much he had cried, but his mind slowly calmed down to the song the writer was singing.

Yugyeom had said in an interview that his father liked contemporary bands, that he always picking his guitar and singing some songs to put his kids to sleep — even after they got older. Kwang-min always sang some of Harry Style’s songs to them calm down.

“ _We started two hearts in one home, it's hard when we argue_ ” the writer whispered softly, breathing deeply as he saw the boy's body in his bed slowly relax. “ _We're both stubborn, I know but, oh... sweet creature, sweet creature…”_ he sang daring to move in the bed when Yugyeom turned, lying on his back. The pillow was still on his face, so Jinyoung took it gently. The brown eyes stared at him wearily. “ _Wherever I go, you bring me home._ ” Park Jinyoung sounded hoarse and docile like a lullaby played on a guitar by a smoker. Yugyeom smiled at the sudden thought, which made the writer feel more relieved to continue. “ _Sweet creature, sweet creature when I run out of rope_ …”

Kim Yugyeom sniffed, moving his hand to Park Jinyoung's knee. He leaned forward to indicate the man's skin, which he understood as a reminder that even the most difficult and violent storms over and left a bright sun behind.

He didn’t dare touch Yugyeom back, but he was grateful that the boy understood that he had no intention of hurting him that way. Jinyoung was really glad to see him calmer now.

The writer sighed deeply, feeling the way Yugyeom's finger had scraped his skin before pulling away and he turned, hugging his own body before closing his eyes.

“ _You bring me home…”_


	18. i'm overwhelmed and insecure...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then why did you kiss me?”
> 
> “What did you want me to do?”

**\- i -**

Jinyoung moved on the mattress, squeezing his eyes as he woke slowly. His hands rubbed against the warm, messy blankets as his palm recognized some textures around him. The man, who should have left the bed before sunrise, stretched his body and sighed deeply, feeling his back crawl before he sat on the bed, scratching his scalp, and looking around to make sure he was actually in his room.

He wasn’t entirely sure what had happened last night, had vague memories of what he had done with Jackson and Mark before they both called a cab and sent him back to his home in Seoul.

He remembered drinking with his friends to celebrate the trailer release, remembered having drunk and meeting some cast members, but... but he couldn’t remember anything else about the real celebration.

He yawned, wiping the corner of his mouth with his hand, and stretched to the dresser, picking up his phone to check his message.

_You have 14 missed calls._

**|Twitter.** @koreaboo: actor Kim Yugyeom and actor Lim Jaebeom are dating in real life?

_You have 12 unread messages._

**You have six unopened voicemails.**

**|Twitter.** @dispatchsns: cinematic romance can be real between actors Kim Yugyeom and Lim Jaebeom? Check this out!

_You have seven unread messages._

Jinyoung rubbed his eyes without understanding what was happening. He pressed his digital on the phone and got his calls first. Most were from Jackson Wang and the others were from the film's producer. The writer blinked trying to make his eyes work right. He swallowed and heard Jackson's first voice message, which was him yelling about Yugyeom and Jaebeom to be on all the morning news for kissed at a bar in Busan.

Jinyoung didn’t even finish hearing the message, he got up confused and called Jackson, listening to the mailbox:

“Shit. What's going on? Call me!” he said confused, heading toward the living room of his apartment. Jinyoung searched for control and switched on the TV, looking for some gossip channel that would make him aware of what it was all about. “What the fuck his going on…”

 **from:** sseun-ah  
Did you get home well?

 **|02: 23 am:** mark is starting to think you died on the way, please, we'll get a message when you get home

 **|03: 56 am:** ok... shit... you don’t answer my calls, I don’t know where you are, but... I just got an alert about our movie!

 **|03: 57 am:** looks like someone saw Jaebeom kissing Yugyeom in a bar outside the city... I don’t know what to do, the producer called me, Sana called me... where are you Jinyoung?

 **|04: 59 am:** I just pick Yugyeom up... I don’t know where you are, but I need to see you tomorrow as soon as possible gotta it?

voice message: Jinyoung-ah... shit. Apparently, it is them in the photo, I was hoping it was a photoshop but it's true... Yugyeom is at my house now but he is too drunk to give me an explanation. Hope you see this soon and help me with this shit.

 **|5:32 am:** [link] what we do about this?

The writer clicked the link and at the same time, the gossip program announced Jaebeom and Yugyeom’s name, with a scandalous call on the news of the moment. He looked up at the screen.

His jaw dropped involuntarily.

“Shit”.

**\- c -**

The first thing Park Jinyoung did when Jackson and Mark's apartment door opened was to shout Kim Yugyeom’s name as if he wanted to kill him with just his own voice.

Mark slammed the door as he saw his friend walk past him and followed him down the hall to the entrance hall where Jackson was sitting watching the news as he talked with the film producer.

“Where is he?” Jinyoung breathed heavily, looking across the room before turning toward the bedrooms. He saw Mark come in front of him with his arms open to stop him right there. “Get the fuck out, I'm going to kill this kid!”

“Yeah, it’s him. I'll call you later.” Jackson said hastily to the producer, hanging up to hold Jinyoung before things got even worse from them. “Jinyoung-ah, let's talk first”.

“I have nothing to talk to you!” Park Jinyoung licked his lips, his eyes looked like two spheres so big and Mark thought he'd never seen him so furious in his entire life. “I want to talk to him and only him, that ungrateful son of a bitch. Who does he think he is?”

Jackson squawked at his friend as he tried to get past him and his boyfriend, who was aware of the whole situation.

“I understand you're mad and this can do to our movie but-”

“Do you really understand?” Jinyoung stops him with a sarcastic laugh, wagging his hands in exaggerated gestures. “Because I don’t think anyone has a clue how your actions can affect me and my fucking movie, Jackson!” he shouted angrily. “It's my name. It's my fucking name, my book, my script... it's my movie and that fucking kid hasn’t done anything but fucking everything I've been doing damn it!”

Mark stared at his boyfriend with raised eyebrows, because they had never heard Jinyoung use so many curses in one sentence. He’ll really kill Kim Yugyeom that way.

“Of course I know how these things can affect you!” Jackson tried to show that he really understood. “It's not just your name, it's ours and I know that we don’t need this shit right now, we just released the trailer and we already have premiere date but unfortunately it's happening and things need to be done calmly so it doesn’t get worse!”

“What he is trying to say is… you cannot kill that kid, Jinyoung-ah”.

Jackson nodded to his boyfriend, hoping his friend would understand that acting unreasonably would only make things worse.

“DORYA Studio wants an explanation and you know we need to do it together so we don’t have any divergences in our answers.” the Chinese chattered holding Jinyoung shoulders, trying to keep him still. “Let's sit down with our producer, let's check with your agency and find a solution to solve this without creating a drama for our film and-”

“Jackson hyung, could you-” Kim Yugyeom's voice died in his throat as his eyes met Park Jinyoung's gaze, which shoved Jackson out of his way and strode to the boy. “Hyung I can-”

“Jinyoung, for God's sake!” Jackson screamed trying to grab but the man just kept walking and pulling Yugyeom. The Chinese held the doorknob and tried to open the door, slamming it hard. “ _Jinyoung!_ ”

Park Jinyoung clenched his jaw, breathing wildly, without taking his eyes off Yugyeom, who had gone to the other side of the room after being hurled into the room. He swallowed, his throat dry and aching.

Yugyeom wasn’t usually afraid of people but he was trembling from head to toe because he was sure he wouldn’t come out alive from that room. He opened his mouth to say something but pressed his lips in a line as he received an even wilder look from the older one.

The boy cringed, watching him approach.

“What’s your problem?” Jinyoung asked. “How many times have I told you about the shit you do against my fucking movie?” he shouted, making Jackson say he would knock the door if he didn’t open it. “Do you know what you crazy stupid can cost me Yugyeom? Do you or Jaebeom know that you fucking crazy fans hate me? Huh? That I get threatening letters, that apartment is the second place I've lived since you were advertised in the movie because crazy people think I am going to take you into the devil's way with my gay movie?”

Yugyeom didn’t know that.

No one but Jackson and his agency knew about that. Not even the producer had any idea that the writer had needed to change his address because of people who believed his film would cause psychological distress to someone in that movie.

Not that Jinyoung was bothered by this, he knew what some people thought about his books, and when he learned that they were closing a contract to produce a film adaptation, he was sure he would have to put up with even worse things.

Heejin had said that he was really in love with what he was doing, that he knew that putting someone like Yugyeom in his movie was dangerous to his career because the young man was reputed to have the worst fan base ever. His fans were crazy, but Jinyoung tried to trust him despite everything. Despite the hate, the fights, his personal problems... Jinyoung tried to trust Yugyeom because he hoped he would pay his effort back somehow and for a while, he believed that the kid was really on the right track.

Jinyoung was wrong. He should never have trusted that Yugyeom could change, that he could be committed and reciprocated with someone work rather than being a jerk as ever.

“I gave you lots of chances, even when I didn’t want to admit that you were good, I gave you a chance to prove me wrong. I hated you before I met you in person, but I gave you the fucking chance to show me that I was wrong, but...” Jinyoung laughed, shrugging sarcastically. The younger one seemed genuinely frightened by his words as if he were about to cry and Jinyoung hoped to see him cry because perhaps this would make him less mad. “You kept on disappointing me again and again and again!”

“Hyung-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Jinyoung shouted too close to Yugyeom. He didn’t even notice when he grabbed the boy’s neck and pushed him harder against the dresser. “I swear if I hear your voice now Kim Yugyeom...” he swallowed hard. Yugyeom's brown eyes stared back at him. “What do I tell your fans now? Huh? Did you check the things they're saying about my movie online? Did you have time to see the horrible things the newspapers are saying about me messing with your fucking head?” he grunted, pressing one finger in Yugyeom's forehead. The boy tightened his fingers around the dresser behind him, feeling his back hurt from the pressure the older was doing to hold him. “We just released the final trailer and now half of Korea says that they hate me, that they will never see my movies or buy another of my books because I fucked with their perfect prince mind!”

Kim Yugyeom knew when he was about to have a rage attack. It started at the tips of his fingers and slowly went up to his arms until it reached his neck and took over his entire face. He lost track of things in seconds after feeling the usual tingling, and then fucked everything up.

It was just the way he was feeling now, as Jinyoung tightened his grip on his neck and pushed him into the dresser, as he told him those things as if he were the best person in the world and never do something wrong. It was how he felt, about to explode.

“I should have listened to Heejin, you should never have been cast for this film you little shit!” Park Jinyoung growled, poking Yugyeom’s forehead, who closed his eyes. “What the fuck you had in mind when you decided to kiss that jerk... what were you thinking when you decided to fuck with my job that way kid?”

It was the last straw. When Jinyoung pokes Yugyeom's forehead again, wondering what he was thinking... it was the last straw for the actor, who tapped the writer's hand and growled angrily, grabbing the fist he used to hold his neck and push his left shoulder in the opposite direction, making the older man hit the dresser.

Jinyoung screamed for the pain of the pressure on his arm, the way Yugyeom had pushed his shoulder and his body against the dresser, and the actor slapped the writer's hands as he tried to loosen himself, and pulled him to the wall, which he punched to not to punch the older man's face a few inches from his.

Jinyoung's lips parted in surprise, his right ear was deaf for a brief moment and he felt the next punch would be in his face. He gripped Yugyeom's hip as the boy moved his hand away from the wall, ready to vent his anger again the man face… but Yugyeom's large, sweaty hands gripped Jinyoung’s cheeks and his mouth went straight into his.

Jinyoung squeezed Yugyeom's hip as he felt the young man's tongue inside his mouth. The most correct would be to push the boy away and yell at him for making another mistake, but Jinyoung's hazy mind only subsided quickly and he felt Yugyeom's body tremble as he closed his arms around his neck. The actor gripped him more strength and made a confused sound, something like a groan and a cry.

Jinyoung's fingers squirmed into Yugyeom's soft hair and he felt his body pressed against the wall by the other's hips, which deepened the kiss with rude hickeys on his lower lip before pulling back to breathe.

“In you… your idiot.” Yugyeom's voice trembled because he still felt as if he needed to punch something or someone even having Jinyoung in his arms. He looked into the older man's eyes, taking a few strands of hair out of the way. They were panting and their lips were swollen. “I was with you in my head and-”

The door made a deafening roar, which made Yugyeom jump and turn to the door, where he found Jackson bewildered to have just broken the door of his own house.

The Chinese widened his eyes realizing that he had just walked in the middle of a kiss... a kiss between Park Jinyoung and Kim Yugyeom. His jaw dropped and he gestured between the two boys, and then put his hand on his head as if he were crazy. Jinyoung licked his lips and bit the tip of his tongue, scratching behind his ear before thinking of an answer.

“It's better if you stay out of this shit, Sseun-”

“Is happening…” Yugyeom groaned, catching Jinyoung's attention. The boy shook his head tightly and closed his eyes, pressing the palm on his temple as he gritted his teeth. “I hate this-”

“Holy shit!” Mark Tuan screamed as he tried to run toward the boy as his body began to collapse. He widened his eyes, pausing at the sight of Yugyeom banging his head on the edge of the bed and rolling to the floor, unconscious. The American could hear his own breathing in his ears, the way Jinyoung moved his body toward the unconscious boy on the floor, as Jackson screamed startled by the impact. “What-”

“Call the ambulance,” Jinyoung shouted with Yugyeom's face in his hands. The boy's forehead was bleeding. “Now!”

**\- ii -**

“... _it's not that way. We're not together like that_.” Yugyeom rolled his eyes behind his closed eyelids. “ _I don’t even know how to explain how it happened... but it's not how you think it is_ ”.

“ _Don’t say this to me, I don’t care about how this happens_.” Yugyeom could swear that was Jackson Wang’s voice. “ _What I am saying is that you care about him. It doesn’t matter if you're in a relationship or not, your mind enough to not left his side-”_

“Hyung?” Kim Yugyeom whispered louder, this time being heard by them. He tried to open his eyes, but annoying pain in his forehead made him shrink and close them. “Ouch”.

“Take it easy!” it was Jackson who said it, approaching the bed and sitting next to Yugyeom. The boy whimpered as he finally opened his eyes and saw the chinse smiling face in front of him. “Hi there. Are you good?”

Yugyeom nodded, licking his lips.

“Only my head... it hurts here.” he whispered, touching the place and groan again. “Shit.” the boy laughed sarcastically. “Looks like I got another scar for my collection huh”.

“Do you remember what happened?” Jackson wanted to know, taking a quick look at Jinyoung, who was keeping in deep silence. Yugyeom nodded. “You were unconscious for about five hours but the doctor said-”

“I'm in the hospital?” Yugyeom asked scared, sitting up quickly. He groaned with the movement because his head was still heavy, but he calmed down for a moment when he realized he was in Jinyoung's room. His eyes widened. “Why am I here?”

Jackson laughed, putting his hand on his thigh.

“Do not worry, he will not kill you anymore.” the Chinese stated, looking at his friend, making Yugyeom move his head enough to see Jinyoung. “We were going to take you to the hospital, but... ah…”

Yugyeom understood. They didn’t have to explain because his mother had done it several times. She preferred to treat him at home rather than let the public find out about his physical or mental state.

“That would only cause more problems.” he nodded, folding his legs on the bed. “I understand hyung” he said, clawing at his back. “But I need to at least see my forehead. It's hurting too much”.

“Our neighbor is the son of a doctor” Jackson said. “We ran to him and asked for help. His father looked you and the cut wasn’t deep enough to worry us. You’ll be fine dear”.

Yugyeom couldn’t move his forehead because it hurt, but he shows with his thumbs. However, he still didn’t know why he was in Jinyoung's room, not Jackson's.

“Ah. But why am I… here?”

“Oh, about that” Jackson bit his lip, rising. “I think you should ask Jinyoung why you're here, so I'll leave you two alone.” Yugyeom's eyes widened, even though he was in pain, he wanted to express how bad that idea was. Jackson flashed his thumbs at him. “Good luck”.

“But hyung-”

Jackson Wang ran out of the room and closed the door without thinking twice, leaving Jinyoung to talk to Yugyeom. Although the writer insisted on saying that he didn’t have anything with the actor, that what Jackson and Mark had seen was a mistake, the Chinese was sure he needed to let them solve their problems on their own.

“Why am I here and not at Jackson?”

“I thought you would feel more comfortable here.” Jinyoung answers with a sigh, folding his arms. Yugyeom nodded without saying anything, without even turning to look at the other's face. “I read that some people that have explosive disorder might faint after a crisis, but... see it happen… it’s another level”.

“I must have scared you, did not I?” Yugyeom laughed trying to cover up how embarrassed he was. He had spent his entire life trying to control that condition, listening to his mother call him abnormal, weak. He always felt ashamed when someone saw him in that state. “But it's nothing serious, I mean... it was just a faint. Anyone could fain-”

“You hit your head!” Jinyoung cut him off seriously, taking long strides to the bed. He wanted to look into Yugyeom's eyes, but the boy just looked away. “I was thinking... what would have happened if you were alone in that room? What would have happened?”

“There are many possibilities.” Yugyeom laughed again. “I could have fallen on the ground and woken up hours later or I could have hit my head harder and died without anyone-”

“That's not funny.” Jinyoung's stunned expression was like his father's whenever Yugyeom had a crisis in front of him as if he was horrified and didn’t know what to do. It was the expression of someone who wanted nothing to do with that shitty chaos. “I think you need help Yugyeom. I read that people-”

“It's different for everyone.” Yugyeom stopped him, raising his eyes to the man's face. “It's different for every person Jinyoung, don’t tell me that in some cases there was an improvement, I already know that but that doesn’t mean I can improve because I've been trying to improve for years now!” he croaked angrily. His mother used to say that, that the boy had to work harder, that people didn’t like crazy people and that he needed to work enough to occupy his mind and improve. “I am sorry of mess with your movie and your life, I am going to try to make these things not happen anymore because I don’t want to harm you and-”

“You do not understand, do you?” it was Jinyoung's turn to laugh mad. “I am not talking about this shit with Jaebeom here, it's about you having freaked out, fainting, and banging your head Yugyeom. I want you to get better because you freaked me out, I thought you died when you hit your head... I want you to get better because your life matters too!”

Kim Yugyeom wrinkled his nose without understanding what Park Jinyoung was saying. Not that it was difficult to decipher his words, but he didn’t understand their depth. He didn’t understand much that Jinyoung did or said anymore, and that was driving him crazy.

The actor shook his head without saying a word, pressing his quilt thumbs over his legs as he let out a long sigh.

“Why don’t you ask me why I kissed Jaebeom hyung…”

“What?”

“Ask me why I kissed him... please.” Yugyeom bit his lip and squeezed the quilt harder. “You will not ask-”

“Why did you kiss him?”

“Because I cannot stop thinking about you.” Yugyeom replied hastily, raising his head. He had never felt as vulnerable and fragile as he had felt close to Jinyoung since they had- since the man had touched him some time ago. “I cannot understand what you say anymore or why you look at me so much when we were together. I cannot stop thinking about you and I'm already starting to think I'm going to go crazy because this happens three weeks ago...” the actor swallowed. He stared at Jinyoung with all his soul exposed. He needs to understand. “I was overwhelmed and insecure about my thoughts about you and him... ah, he was right there beside me.” he laughed ungraciously. “Am I making sense to you right now Jinyoung?” Yugyeom asked. “Can you understand why I let him kiss me that way? Huh? Why you… why don’t you just walk away from me?”

Park Jinyoung uncrossed his arms.

“Why do you keep blaming me for everything?” he asked in a whisper. “You asked me to kiss you, I never looked at you with the idea that I could take advantage of your existence... I never wanted you Yugyeom, you asked me to kiss you!”

“Then why did you kiss me?”

“What did you want me to do?” Jinyoung laughed impatiently, turning his back on him. “My fiancé had just cheated on me, I was lonely and suddenly someone appears at my door...” he said with a shrug, looking to look at the boy again. “What did you want me to do?”

Yugyeom didn’t know. He did not know about anything anymore, but mostly, he didn’t know what he would have done if Jinyoung had come into his house asking him to kiss him while his life was in chaos.

“You cannot keep blaming me for everything.” Jinyoung says again rubbing his face. “I've never played with your feelings... the only thing I did was to be there for you and give you what you wanted. I never forced you, so stop blaming me for everything that happened”.

The actor nodded with a laugh in the corner of his mouth, because Jinyoung was right, and he did not know if he should be embarrassed for acting like a complete lunatic or not.

He had asked for it. For the kisses and the touches. Yugyeom insisted on spending his free time at Jinyoung's apartment because he wanted to have someone to talk to... because he wanted to be able to have someone who was willing to touch him despite all the limitations he put on. He wanted to take advantage of Jinyoung to explore his thoughts and his own body, but he had blamed the writer on his first opportunity.

All Jinyoung did was stay by his side until he calmed down, then the writer took care of him during the week, kept his distance, and made him comfortable until Yugyeom decided to go back to his own life.

Yugyeom had forced most things.

“Sorry.” he whispered with a sigh. “Sorry that I say this and to let Jaebeom kiss me in public… I knew someone could see us and I expected him to see... do not ask me why maybe I am a little crazy as my mother says-”

“Your mother does not know shit!” Jinyoung grunted. He kept his gaze on Yugyeom's face, which smiled without humor. “Let’s stop talking about me and you okay? We have to do something about the fucking photo now. Jackson and I need to create a story to make it happen...”

“You can say it's a mini-show.” Yugyeom swallowed. He had thought of some possibilities when he was at Jackson's, because he knew that kiss had caused immeasurable problems. “You can say that it's a mini-program about the movie for YouTube, which is a kind of events that aren’t in the final movie... like extra stuff from side scenes”.

Park Jinyoung had thought about saying that someone had distorted the picture or that they were training for an event in Thailand because their fans liked to see that kind of content. However, a mini-show on YouTube for showing minor scenes was really interesting.

“We can record and release it some months after the movie.” the writer nodded thoughtfully. “We can tell the media that we had people from our team shooting because it was an official scene and it should be a surprise to the public!”

Yugyeom nodded.

“Jaebeom hyung is... I would not say he is afraid, but he doesn’t know how to come to you, so I can talk to him-”

“Not a change.” Jinyoung stopped him. “I know I cannot stop your personal life, but I want you away from Jaebeom in private situations from now on. Please limit your contact with him”.

“But it's just a message...”

“Do you remember the part I said that some crazy ones of your fans even came to invade my other house?” Jinyoung folded his arms. “Don’t be stupid, phones can be hacked today. Don’t do that, let Jackson do it”.

The boy snorted and nodded, knowing that it was best to simply accept that he had gotten a little more relief in Jinyoung's expression. He shouted for Jackson and told him that he could talk to the producer and the agents... and Jaebeom about it.

“Jinyoungie...!” Yugyeom spoke too loudly when he saw the older man get ready to leave. He looks at him. “I know what you say about us-”

“Let's just let things happen.” Jinyoung mess what Yugyeom was going to say because the actor was ready to ask him to forget all that had happened between them. He thought that after everything he had done, after the things Jinyoung had said, he didn’t want to look at Yugyeom unless he really needed it. “Maybe I didn’t get you out of my head for three weeks either, Yugyeom”.

“You… what?”

Park Jinyoung was a mental mess for Kim Yugyeom. Even his state of anger left him as distraught as the man words, the way he looked at Yugyeom as if he were afraid the boy would suddenly disappear.

At first, Yugyeom thought he was imagining things, that he was hallucinating just because Jinyoung had touched him and things had become too intimate, but... maybe he wasn’t imagining as much as he thought, right?

“I don’t like it when things go out of my control.” Jinyoung caught his attention. “This movie is too important to me and what you did… it makes me crazy because I can’t stand the pressure that everyone is doing and you… you kissing another man only intends the thought of that it's my fault that you're like this right now”.

“But it’s not”;

“I know and you know that” Jinyoung stretched out. “but your fans don’t know you for real Yugyeom, they know you as the perfect actor who suddenly freaked out, but they hoped to you come back to yourself in some moment. They have no idea what's happening to you.” he sighed deeply, scratching the back of his neck. “And yeah, I cannot stop thinking about you but my movie is more important than that now. Sorry if it's unfair but only I could understand how important is what people say about it. Then, please, give me some time to figure it out and who knows later we can figure out what that shit between us means”.

**— ■ —**

“Jaebeom-ssi, so far you and your company don’t say anything about your photo with actor Kim Yugyeom... can you something about the rumors that you and mrs. Kim is in a real-life relationship?”

Jaebeom laughed, fix the glasses on his face as his bodyguard escorted him to the building where Bloodsport cast will have a press conference with the public.

“You can’t say anything? Some people are saying that you force mrs. Kim to have a relationship with you?” another reporter asked, placing the microphone on Jaebeom's face. The security guard pushed the man away from the actor. “No wonder you've been involved with all your co-stars since your debut on TV... can you explain to us how you did for such a famous actor as he ended up falling into your charms?”

Jaebeom's bodyguard pulls everyone away and dragged the actor into the building. As they entered the waiting room, Jaebeom saw Kim Yugyeom sitting in a corner, with earphones and a tablet in his hands.

The older man parted his lips and took off his sunglasses, smiling at the sight of the younger man. He knew that everything was in chaos and that Jackson and Jinyoung need to cover that scandal, but he was glad that he had kissed Yugyeom of his the boy’s own free will.

When the boy looked at him that night, smiling as if someone had told him a funny secret, he thought he was crazy or too drunk. His whole skin shivered when he heard Yugyeom ask for a kiss because Jaebeom really liked that man. He really likes Yugyeom too much.

“Hey, Yugyeom-”

“Jaebeom?” Jackson appeared, touching his shoulder. Yugyeom looked up, but he only moves his eyes when he realized that it was Jaebeom who had called him. “Let's talk alone huh?”

Jaebeom knew what Jackson want to talk to him. Yugyeom’s manager had called Jaebeom to explain that from that moment both were forbidden to meet without supervision. He found it was ridiculous, and unnecessary act since he now knew he could try again with the younger without much drama, they would not be together in public.

He overheard Jackson explaining, once again, why Jaebeom needed to limit his interactions with Yugyeom and to act differently in front of the cameras for a while, in silence because he didn’t have something to say.

He would rather wait a moment alone with Yugyeom to talk about it, and then he just listened and nodded until everyone was called to the press.

The host called them one by one, asking them to introduce themselves and talk a little about their character in the film. Jungkook and Yugyeom laughed aloud when Joy fumbled because she had just started a new drama on TV and confused her characters.

“I think this ghost ship story doesn’t exist!” Jungkook said after Joy, about the fact that some fans were saying how much he and Joy looked like a couple in the trailer. “Siyoon and Seyoung come together only because Minseo, Youngjae hyung's character, is Yohan's friend and he is trying to get them to talk and he's interested in Joy noona's character, so our scenes together are always about him and Yohan. It's funny that the fans are shipping to us just because of the trailer”.

“Yeah!” Joy laughed. “But okay I understand, I'm such a good actress that I get alongside anyone... you know right Jungkook-ah?”

Everyone laughed.

A few more questions were asked until the host mentioned the photo that had been circulating for three days now, about Jaebeom and Yugyeom kissing. The room was noisy because everyone wanted to have a question answered about it.

“Jung Go-Eun of Korean Today newspaper.” the woman said raising her hand. “We know that the picture involving mr. Lim and mr. Kim isn’t a montage, but so far the public hasn’t received an explanation for the kiss that was caught in the photo. Are you two involved romantically?”

Yugyeom laughed scratching the back of his neck, feeling Jaebeom's hand touch his knee under the table. He tried to keep his eyes on the cameras and ignore the older man's grip on his leg.

“We were waiting for the right time to explain what happened to the public.” Jackson said, putting his elbows on the table, relaxed. “It's true that the kiss happened, but the facts surrounding it aren’t true. We did not want to say anything earlier because we have a schedule and a contract to respond, so we needed our producer's release to explain to the audience what's going on.” the Chinese chattered in a professional manner, naturally calm. “The truth is the kiss is part of a recording from our movie and the moment that his person took this picture, we were recording”.

“Recording?” another person asked, getting up “How could they be recording if the movie has already come to an end? The public has even seen the first trailer mr. Wang”.

Jinyoung nodded patiently and glanced at Jackson, who smiled suggestively:

“There are so many possibilities after a movie, you know?” he says excitedly, moving in the chair. “It's true that we finished the movie and that the trailer was released, but... well, can I say this Jinyoung?” the writer nodded with a smile. “It should be a secret, but since somebody ended up spoiling everything I’ll say it... our cast was hired by the producer to recreate scenes that we don’t show in the movie. We’ll be doing five scenes from the book to reveal six months after the movies. It would be like a miniseries from YouTube…”

There was so much murmur, each person in that room wondering if this could be true or not, but the film crew had already planned it all.

“We brought some clips of all the characters that will be in the miniseries for your guys, but the release of the final episodes will happen only six months after the movie's because we're still recording”. Jinyoung smiled beckoning one of the staff to put the project they had prepared. Thanks to Yugyeom Jackson and Jinyoung managed to find an acceptable solution to his and Jaebeom kiss, a solution that would yield even more success and money for them. They had held the press conference for a few days to get some loose footage of the other characters, scenes from the book and not the movie.

For this to happen without arousing suspicion, Yugyeom and Jaebeom had to tell everyone that the directors had asked them to keep it a secret because they wanted to surprise even the cast. Bambam was the only one who did not believe, of course, and Yugyeom needed to tell him another lie because Jackson or Jinyoung could kill him if he told anything to Bambam… that was his new really best friend.

It was really easy to film some scenes from the book to be recorded safely, without anyone knowing it. After the videos of each character's calls passed, Jungkook nudged Yugyeom saying how much he and Jaebeom had looked beautiful in their filming.

“How do you explain the scenery change?” someone asked to them with a suggestive look. “Mrs. Kim and mrs. Jaebeom photo shows a different place in that video... but I have the photo right here with me”.

“When the person shared the photo, _they_ spoiled the whole surprise, we thought the most interesting thing would be to look for another way to bring surprise to the fans. We don’t want them to watch something they already know will happen in such a predictable way so, yeah… we change the play.” Jackson answer. They were prepared for all sorts of questions, they had been rehearsing it for hours so of course, the Chinese have an answer about that. “This is more surprising that way, don’t you think?”

He smiles at Jinyoung and then looks at Yugyeom, who smiles bad and moves his shoulder. The boy looks to Jaebeom’s hand again, moves a little to the side, and says something in his mic, about he wants to surprise the fans and agree with the fact that he and Jaebeom could need to film that ‘scene’ again. The room fell silent for a long moment until Jinyoung says:

“In the next three days the cast will be going to Jeju Island to do a photo shoot for the film and we will also be shooting some scenes between Youngjae and Joy...”


	19. no need to call me anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, and you don’t have to call my phone anymore” Kim Yugyeom said in a louder voice, pulling his suitcases and following with a smile toward the exit door. “I'm not going to pick up anyway”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps: I couldn't fix it, I'm sorry for the grammar errors.

****

**\- i -**

 **from:** saya  
So you're never going to talk to your father and brother again? this is so silly Hero, why don’t you just give up and talk to them?

 **|2:45 am:** don’t get me wrong, I know we only know each other virtually and I probably don’t have the right to tell you this, but I know what it's like to be away from someone that matter...

**|2:48 am:** but anyway, I really hope you think about it a bit and solve the situation for your own good!

Yujin was sitting in the kitchen with his father, without understanding why Yuri had said that the man had called him to come to his house because there was something important to them to talk about.

“So she lies to me?” Yujin scratched the back of his neck. “Why?”

“I have no idea.” Kwang-min shrugged, stirring the vegetables for his daughter's before she went to school. He asked Yujin to give him the salt. “Maybe your mother said that and she got confused when she gives you the message?”

“No. She said 'dad called, he wants you to come to his house tomorrow morning’. I'm sure that's what she said.” the doctor explained pouring his body upper part into the cold marble. “I mean, she talks when she's sleeping... you know? Maybe Yuri dream about it and think it was real yeah? It’s quite possible-”

“Actually no. I asked her to lie.” Yugyeom’s voice cut them. The actor was standing in the doorway. Kwang-min turned off the stove and strode toward the boy, hugging him tightly. “Hi, dad”.

“Where have you been?” Kwang-min asked annoyed. “I cannot believe you ignored me for a month and a half... your own father”.

Yugyeom bit the corner of his mouth.

Kwang-min stepped away from the boy just to take a good look at him. The man smiled happily because he really was desperate to see his son after all that had happened. He rubbed his thumbs against Yugyeom's cheeks.

“Never disappear like that again kid.” Kwang-min sighed deeply, pulling Yugyeom into another embrace. The boy rolled his eyes at his brother when he saw him roll him as well. “Christ, I was so sick to see your ugly face again. _Omo_!”

“Yeah, yeah. I got all your messages and calls.” Yugyeom complained. “Next time leave Sehun hyung alone, he doesn’t have energy enough to handle with your madness about me”.

“Then do not run away!” Kwang-min soaks his son.

“Dear?” they heard Yubi’s, Yugyeom's stepmother and Yerim's mother, voice approaching the kitchen. “I swear to you that I heard Yugyeom- oh my God, it's really you!” the woman smiled as she threw her arms around the boy, pushing her husband aside. “Gee you've lost weight sweet…” she said grabbing his cheeks. “Did you see why I said you should bring him back sooner? Look how thin he is now!”

“ _Eomeonim_ ” Yugyeom laughed as the woman crushed his face really tight. “You don’t have to exaggerate like that, I just lost a few pounds for the shoot, it's not that serious and I really needed to lose a few inches”.

“Bullshit!” Yubi screamed, making everyone laugh. “I'll do something for you to eat...” she said as she headed toward the stove, where her husband must be finishing Yerim's lunch. “Since your father doesn’t do anything right”.

Kwang-min turned to his wife with a fake smile and threw a kiss to the woman who cut it in the air, saying that he better talk to his son instead of annoying her again.

“I hope you have a healthier marriage Yujin-ah.” Kwang-min joked with Yujin, making his wife sniff. “Let's go to the office before Yerim finds that Yugyeom is here”.

Yugyeom had read and reread Saya's messages for hours without knowing what to think about them because the boy seemed to understand the real feeling of being away from the one person who matters. He knew his father, he knew the man had done many wrong things but he was far from his mother.

However, Yugyeom was afraid. He didn’t want to be a disappointment to the one person that mattered in his life.

“I'm sorry for the way things happened.” he said without approaching or sitting with them. His eyes looked frightened, conflicted about that talk. “I-ah... I should have done things differently rather than simply disappeared that way from home”.

“Everyone was asking about you. You spent three weeks away from home and then never talk to us again.” Yujin whispered, rubbing his face. He'd spent the whole month thinking about how his brother had reacted to the whole situation. “Do you have any idea how worried Yuri was? You were on TV all the time but you didn’t answer our calls or messages, Yugyeom. She thought you hated her”.

“Yuri has a scary imagination huh…” the actor tried to joke around, but deep down he knew he had been wrong. He sighed as he turned toward the bookshelf. “I already talked to her about everything that happened... she knows I did not mean to hurt anyone”.

“It's not about hurting us” Kwang-min propped his elbows on his legs, staring at his son from that odd angle. “It's about not trusting us, Yugyeom. I thought I'd taught you this, that your brothers and I are the people you can count on... but you just ran away. Why did you do that?”

Yugyeom smiled, not knowing if he was funny or angry at his father's words. He didn’t understand how anyone in his family could speak about trust that way by being who they were.

He had grown in a house where his mother was the commander. Kang Bo-Young controlled her family footsteps with an iron fist, not even Kwang-min had said a word to her about the things she has done to their children’s and no one could really trust anyone because there would always be a sense of failure around them.

“Don’t know how to do that sometimes…” he says. “I mean, how can I trust in you dad? Did you know that I try not to blame you?” Kim Yugyeom asked his father, opening a Jules Verne book, one of his mother's favorite writers. He ran his fingers over the leaves, seeing the first words spelled out. This was probably one of Kang Bo-Young copies. “I've been trying my hardest not to hate you, not to blame you but the truth is that it's hard to do this in a few moments, especially after I remember that you've changed just because she cheating on you”.

“Yugye-”

“If you hadn’t found up mom was cheating on you, you probably would have continued with her would not you?” the boy interrupted his brother rudely, passing another page. “With her controlling my life and you telling me that one day everything would be fine, that you would go by judgment in her head, but” he laughed. “We know it was a lie. You would never have done anything because you were a complete idiot about that evil woman!”

“Yugyeom, that's enough!” Yujin shouted, standing up. “What the fuck. If you came here to blame dad for the things he didn’t do-”

“But I did.” It was Kwang-min's turn to interrupt Yujin. “I ignored your mother’s madness for years and just split up because she betrayed me with our best mate...” he admitted nodding. “I did all this and after settling my life I insisted that you trust me, even though I have turned my back on you so many times I asked you to trust me. I am sorry”.

Yugyeom swallowed.

He looked up at his father.

“If you admit... how can you talk about trust when we were talking about my life? By the way, a life you never helped preserve, that I had to figure out in the worst way... how can you ask me to trust you?”

He couldn’t. They knew that. Yugyeom used to smile when his father talked about trust because he didn’t want to spoil the man's attempts because he hoped he could trust him as soon as possible but he had never succeeded.

Of course, he had made countless attempts. With Yujin, he tried to talk about Jaebeom and the feelings he was having because Yugyeom’s friends, despite being incredible, seemed to be unavailable to talk about more serious personal stuff and his brother was the closest person he when it happened.

Yugyeom had many moments of doubt, of despair, of forcing himself to go against his own nature to always talk about himself with his brother. Now he thought it had been his biggest mistake.

“I am sorry if I frightened you” despite everything, he hoped to be able to follow Saya's advice about running away from everything. “I should have done things differently and I know that now, but we're not going to talk about trust... because I don’t know if I want to get upset again by trying to give it to one of you.” the actor sighed with a shrug, closing the book and putting it back on the shelf. “So instead of running away, this time I want to talk about what you said”.

Kwang-min sighed deeply, nodding. He didn’t want to talk about things that had happened in the past, but he knew he owed it to his son after everything he had not done.

“What you want to know?”

“Mama.” Yugyeom went straight to the point. “What did she do?”

“Do you really want to talk about it?” Kwang-min looked away as his son nodded firmly. He had told Yujin everything, how Bo-Young had thrown all the Yugyeom toys after reading that this could create a more child-friendly environment, how she had banned any pink items Yugyeom wardrobe, how she'd stopped dressing Yuri in more feminine-colored clothes so the boy wouldn’t be interested in them. “And not only that, she hired a nanny who would go with you even to school, who wouldn’t let you play or interact with girls. You started playing football a while later because she insisted”.

“I remember... I loved it.” Yugyeom laughed sarcastically, leaning against the wall. “It was the same year that I started karate.”.

“Yes. Everyone wants you in the dramas, some sports dramas, and your mother put you in so many extracurricular activities... then you, she put in you some ice skating class. You were about nine years old”.

Yugyeom frowned.

He didn’t remember how he'd started to enjoy skating, he knew his mother thought it was elegant but not exactly why. By the time he started practicing he was too young and doing too much at the same time, so it was hard to keep little memories in his mind about that.

“At first you hated because your mother wouldn’t let you do anything but skate while other kids could be together…” Kwang-min caught his eye as he said it. “Sometime later, maybe six months later, you came saying you wanted to do ballet. She freaked out and beat you up”.

“Yeah. Remember that. I had to explain, I said that the teacher had recommended it to some boys... to improve steps and body posture on the ice. It was true.” Yugyeom says thoughtfully. “But I was only interested because it was out or her schedule and the nanny couldn’t accompany me because of her classes”.

Yujin had been in charge of taking care of Yugyeom at that time. He was like a bodyguard, the difference was that Yujin didn’t give a damn shit about what Yugyeom did, so he just sat in a corner and play with his phone. The boy had the best moments of his childhood in those classes because no one was controlling him over his mother's commands.

“You had a lot of fun”.

“And when she asked you, you said that everything had gone well, that I had done nothing different from my routine.” Yugyeom bit his cheeks, staring at his brother. “It was only four hours of class, but it was the best time of my life. For that I have to thank you”.

Yujin nodded patiently, smiling sidelong at his brother. He didn’t want to thanks, he had given Yugyeom coverage because he knew the boy needed to breathe and live with other children than his brothers. However, he understood why he was thankful.

“And about... when I liked... ah, dressing up.” he rubbed his tongue over his teeth, scratching his scalp too hard. Yugyeom had said that to Saya after drinking a lot, and his virtual friend had said that he should ask his father instead of looking at Google for the meaning of something that had happened so many years ago because, according to Saya, dressing girls' clothes didn’t define someone’s love interests. “I liked it because-”

“You said they were beautiful,” Kwang-min replied without curl, straight and serious. “But I don’t think it means what you should be thinking now, Yujin can scientifically confirm if you want, but I don’t believe it has anything to do with sexuality. You’re just too innocent and naïve.” he chuckled, remembering Yugyeom when he as four. “You said the clothes were beautiful but your older cousins said the same thing in front of you. Back then you were pretty confused because of the attention you were getting from people on the street and you always repeated their words... doctors said it was normal”.

“You took me to a doctor?”

“Your mother made me take you. She was scared because someone said you could ‘turn’ gay because of it. As if being gay was a state that you wake up and say ‘oh today I am going to become gay and tomorrow I'm back to normal’ right?” the man rolled his eyes. “But most psychologists didn’t mention anything about sexuality in their observation tests, they all said that you were just a child-like anybody who repeated everything you heard”.

“But of course you could have liked guys since that time, the difference is that your brain was too young to understand that and some professionals would rather not give hasty answers”.

“Are you trying to say that I was gay and then mama made me not be gay anymore?” he giggled. Yujin laughed. “This is stupid”.

“Yeah. Wouldn’t it be good for some kids to be that simple? You just choose when to be or not...” the doctor laughed again, knowing that his brother was just being ironic. “Look, after dad told me everything I kept thinking maybe you were finding it out but your brain as too young, it needs time to mature and with your lost memory, plus everything mama did, it just came back to basic stimulus conditions that could give you the answers your body could looking for in the future”.

Yugyeom closed his eyes.

He had no idea if he understood.

“It means that the stimuli she allowed you instigated only what she wanted... you were never close enough to all universe hypotheses that exist in our society, so it would be impossible to understand certain situations and build an identity based in what you receive from the world”.

Yugyeom blinked dazedly. He had read some environmental theories about human behavior, how people construct their identities through the social segments that they are included... but he existed only in his mother universe. The rest of the world was a mystery that the actor was trying to discover alone after living with himself for twenty-two years.

He sighed.

“There's so much…” he whispered. “You must have no notion how hearing all this is confusing, how being in my own skin has been scary for the past ten months. I mean, are you aware of how much of a thing I discovered? About family, our mother and me... there are so many things and while I feel relieved to be unraveling all this, I feel suffocated and confused the same way. This is too much”.

“I am sorry.” Kwang-min says honestly, not taking his eyes off his son's puzzled face. He wanted to be able to go back in time and do everything differently, take care, and protect Yugyeom so that Bo-Young wouldn’t have traumatized him so much. However, he knew that the only thing he could do was allow his son to live a different and better _today_ , something that would allow him to have a future. “I am sorry about everything and because you're feeling so lonely and confused about your own feelings and thoughts and I know it's hard to trust me, but I'm here now Yugyeom and I'm not going anywhere”.

It was hard to trust.

Kim Yugyeom had grown up in a confused home with a terrible mother and a fearful father. He had had his life organized to be perfect so that there would never be any flaws in his existence... and yet everything is chaos. Everything in his life is about his mother, not him.

However, Yugyeom knew that Saya was right, he needs to resolve everything or he’d go crazy about that story. He was afraid because he doesn’t like to trust in people, but he needs to resolve that. The actor knew that his father was trying in every way to give his children a better life, that Yujin wanted only to be there for him, and that Yuri might be young but was willing to learn to walk with her brother too.

So he needs to resolve everything. Do give the first step.

“I don’t think I'm gay...” he said, nodding as if telling himself more than the other two. Yujin and Kwang-min looked at each other. “I've been with women and I can say that I like them. Better saying, I love woman from the bottom of my heart and-”

“Yeah, but you never got a chance to meet a real guy because you start thinking a thousand things and forbids yourself to understand what's going on with your head!” Yujin interrupted him anticipating something that was far from being truth. Yugyeom watched him. Yujin looks angry now. “The first thing you did when Jaebeom tried to be closer to you was to run from the guy”.

“Jaebeom?” Kwang-min didn’t know about that detail, because his kids had forgotten to say something about the actor. “Like in actor Lim Jaebeom who's work with you in that movie? So that kiss was real...?”

“Yes!” Yujin yelled. “And I bet Yugyeom did-”

“I did nothing but spoil the only opportunity I had to be with someone who can understand that things don’t change overnight!” the boy cut before his brother interrupted him again with his ideas, making Yujin look blank for a long moment. The doctor's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “Fuck you but yeah, I am... seeing someone person. A guy”.

Yujin and Kwang-min looked at each other again, surprised. The older man had rehearsed a huge text of how he was going to talk to Yugyeom about it, how much he was willing to help his son find someone in his world to make everything more peaceful or how they could find a possible love interest over the internet like any other young man of his age.

“You. What?” Kwang-min asked carefully, afraid to annoy or misinterpret everything his son was saying. “When you say seeing...”

Yugyeom nodded, rolling his eyes.

“That's exactly what you're thinking.” he answers in embarrassment because he wasn’t accustomed to talking about his loving interests with them. Maybe about girls, but not about boys. “Dinner, hugs... sleep together”.

“Sleep together?” Yujin stood up. “Do not tell me that you-”

“Fuck you. Stop right there! What?” Yugyeom put his hand on his brother's mouth, his eyes wide. “Maybe not as much as you're imagining, hyung for God's sake. Why would I do that?”

“ _I asked a friend of mine who is gay_ ” Yujin stammered against the younger man's hand. “ _And he said the best part is of being with someone is the sex-”_

“No. No!” Yugyeom repeated firmly, his hand tightening on his brother's mouth. “We haven’t gone that far and I'm sure we will not ever do that so shut the fuck up please”.

Yujin rolled his eyes, Kwang-min laughed at them, glad to see them talking without all the hostility from before. He stood up:

“And who is this man?”

Kim Yugyeom wasn’t sure if he could say it because he had agreed to let things happen, but he also didn’t see a name spoken aloud as a problem that could harm either side. He released his brother.

“Jinyoung.” the actor answers without realizing the smile on the corner of his mouth. He really liked how that name sounded on his tongue, so intimate and warm. “The writer, not the singer.” the boy chuckled as he heard his brother shout. “I've been going out with Park Jinyoung…”

**\- ii -**

Kang Bo-Young was furious.

She had spent a few weeks away from home to try to deal with some clauses about Yugyeom’s — her son and highest money way — had put in his new company contract — for her loss, the actor had been meticulous to not to leave any loose ends to his mother.

When the woman returned home, unable to get her position back, she as greeted with the news that the boy was away from home for almost a full month and a few days later, which he was involved in a _relationship_ with a fucking man.

Therefore, Kang Bo-Young was really furious because he had spent days and days calling people, asking them about her son and trying to make it clear that the scandal was ridiculous, that Yugyeom was seeing _a nice girl from a good family_.

And the woman tried everything to erase the photo from the internet, but the sinner movie crew had come up with a solution — she was really deprived of what they were doing, but it made more sense than imagining her boy with another man like that.

“Why do you keep calling me?” she heard Yugyeom's voice from the other side of the living room, which made her end the call with a furious sigh. “If I did not answer the first time what made you think I'd answer the other thousand times that you fall me?”

“Oh. This is the education I paid for you?” Bo-Young asked with a mad expression. She got up and only then notice the suitcases around the boy. The woman hadn’t even heard him because Yugyeom had called Yuri to get his suitcases down so he wouldn’t have to see his mother for more than two minutes. “What is it?”

“Are you blind? It's my stuff”.

Bo-Young folded his arms.

“I see.” she said warily. “But why? Do you and the people in your satanic movie were going to somewhere? I heard some things about you going to Jeju Island but” the woman narrows her eyes. “Why are you taking so many suitcases for an only week trip?”

Kim Yugyeom hadn’t had many good times in his childhood. Most of his memories were about a sad, lonely child who learned to express things he didn’t understand in the worst way. That was why he was amused to see how much he could deal with his mother's nervousness now that he was his own master, who could control his own career and even his money — he liked to spoil her mood.

“I bought an apartment.” it was his exact words, with a wide, happy smile on his pretty face. Yugyeom’s mother expression changed from cautious to alarmed as if someone had shouted 'fire.' Bo-Young uncrossed her arms, shaking her head in denial. He leaned forward before whispering: “Isn’t it wonderful mama? I am moving out”.

“You cannot!” Bo-Young shouted. “Who do you think will take care of you if you living alone? Who will cook? Wash?” she screamed angrily, holding the boy by the arm. Yugyeom's jaw tightened as he felt his mother's hand. “You cannot and will not live alone, Yugyeom”.

“Yes, I am”.

“No. It’s crazy. Are you nuts for real now?”

“No mama, crazy is you think you can mess with my fucking life over and over again!” he whispered making a pain expression, feeling his mother's long fingernails hurt his arm. He could consider himself a rude and aggressive person when necessary, but he just couldn’t help feeling too small close to her. “I'm almost twenty trees now mom, I can take care of myself you know”.

Bo-Young laughed.

“No, you can’t Yugyeom and you know why?” she sniffed, her throat burning with anger. “Because you're incapable of understanding that you're not a normal person enough to live alone _baby_.” the woman laughed, tightening her son's arm, even more, knowing that it was probably hurting him. “What will happen when you have a crisis and I am not around to do something about it? And when you faint from exhaustion or have a fever... how will you take care of yourself silly?”

Yugyeom's eyes widened with pain and words.

“Anyone but you.” he laughed, unable to control the way his heart was pounding. “Because if you don’t remember mama, you never did anything. Push me into a room and lock me up is you helping me in a crisis? And put one of our maids to take care of me while I have exhaustion or fever is to take care of me? You've never done anything for me in my whole life!” he drew his arm, biting his mouth as he felt the place burn by the way her nails had scraped his skin. “Anyone can take care of me that way mom, I just need to pay them... the same way I paid you”.

Kang Bo-Young snorted, slapping her son's face with all the strength she could because in her head Yugyeom was an ungrateful and irresponsible child who didn’t understand the sacrifices she had made to care for his career for all those years.

“Ungrateful kid...” his voice came out like another slap because it sounded like it was too hateful to come from a mother. Yugyeom ran a hand through his gray hair and smiled at her, depriving himself of wanting to cry over that feeling of inferiority. “I destroyed my youth, my life, and marriage for you and your career boy. Everything I did was for you... how could you be so ungrateful to tell me these stupid things?”

Yugyeom licked his lips and picked up the suitcases.

“I already know about the scar on my back.” the actor says seriously, aware that he wanted to explode and that he would at any moment. He could no longer hear his mother act as if everything she had done was normal. Bo-Young clenched her jaw, breathing deeper. “I'm not going to waste my words and sanity talking to you about it because I know it's going to be a waste of time” he smiled indifferently, looking directly into her eyes. “But I need you to know something...” he tightened his fingers around the strap of one of the suitcases. “As the amazing Katy Perry says in her song... I kissed a _boy_ and I liked that. I really liked it, mama”.

Kang Bo-Young's heart missed a beat.

She closed her eyes at the impact of her son's words and grabbed the first flat surface she had found, her head spinning and mouth suddenly dry. The woman squeezed her temples.

“Oh, and you don’t have to call my phone anymore” Kim Yugyeom said in a louder voice, pulling his suitcases and following with a smile toward the exit door. “I'm not going to pick up anyway”.


	20. isn't a matter of intelligence  but of feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to suck you so badly”.

**\- i -**

There were many things about Kim Yugyeom that people didn’t know — some of them were so well hidden that even he knew. Things that were slowly beginning to seem too important to have been so hiding, things that seemed to serve as a solution to some questions that had begun to throb in his soul since Jackson Wang found him.

And the great truth about most of Yugyeom's secrets was that he didn’t understand them because he had never really had them until he met Jackson until he met Jaebeom and Jinyoung, parts that his mother had struggled to bury in his childish and manipulative head.

He had never had time to grow up like any other child, to discover the world, and question his own desires. He'd never been out of line more than her mother had allowed with his bouts of rage, where he'd broken some room and then passed out. Yugyeom never had the freedom to think of anything but his work, how to provide a safe life for his mother and siblings.

Thus, there were many things about Yugyeom that people and he didn’t know and understand, things that the actor was beginning to want to know in a desperate way. Things that involved Park Jinyoung and his beautiful smile on that natural light of the sun. _Fuck!_

“Focus Yugyeom, focus!” Yugyeom blinked as the photographer snapped his fingers in front of the man's eyes. “Where's your head?”

“Over my neck, where else?” the boy answer between his teeth, even though he knew he was being unprofessional by keeping his eyes fixed on Jinyoung, who laughed cheerfully by one of the film's staff. The photographer placed his hands on his hips, unable to with the actor's strong genius. “I am sorry, I promise I'll try to focus a little more and keep my head in the pictures”.

“Thank you!” the man shrugged, returning to finish with Yugyeom’s photos before they lost the sunlight Jackson wanted. “Jaebeom-ssi, you are next, get ready”.

After finishing the group's pictures, where most Yugyeom needed to be too close to Jaebeom, they were released with applause and the production informed the next location for the recording, making it clear that only Joy and Youngjae would be out to record their scenes.

Yugyeom picked up his things like everyone else and went to the car, sitting in the back of the van. He put on his headphones, took out his brother's book, and breathed a sigh of relief that he had finished another day before opening the chapter that had stopped before they reached Jeju Island.

The actor was so focused on his reading that he didn’t even realize that Jaebeom had sat next to him in the back of the car and that he was staring at him with a big grin on his mouth. And perhaps if it had not been for Jinyoung's voice asking for passage, he would never have realized that Jaebeom was staring at him so intently. His eyebrows lifted:

“Something wrong?” he wanted to know, but all he received was another grin. Yugyeom smiled uncomprehendingly. “Why are you looking at me like that hyung?”

“It's no big deal, it's just...” Jaebeom looked forward, where Jackson was sitting next to Jungkook, Bambam and Joy and then looked over to Yugyeom’s side, where Jinyoung was sitting next to Sana. The man leaned over and took the earphone from the boy's ear. “It's just that I look at you and I feel so glad to know that you exist in this universe”.

There were many secrets about Yugyeom that people himself knew, like the way that his cheeks could turn really red when he was too embarrassed about something. The actor sniffed and frowned, taking the earphone back and putting it on his ear before turning to his book and ignoring Jaebeom — Yugyeom had promised Jackson that he would create a huge space between him and Jaebeom for the sake of the movie, but sometimes the older actor made that task difficult.

Yugyeom felt the phone and breathed deeply, thinking it might be something from Jaebeom but his smile returned to his face quickly.

 **from:** saya  
you think too much

 **|4:34 pm:** did you knew that an American writer named Bukowski said that if you are a good poet, learn to be a good lover too, for it is a creative act in yourself, to be a good lover, learn!

 **|4:36 pm:** did you get the message? If you want to know what it's like to actually be with a man, try it... learn.

Yugyeom moved his eyes toward the candy that had been placed in front of the screen of his phone, moving his head slowly toward Jinyoung, who always seemed to read his thoughts to appear at the exact moment and make him uncomfortable for thinking crazy stuff about him.

He pressed the home button and turned off the display, thanking the lemon lollipop the other was offering before opening the package and putting it in his mouth, leaning his head against the back of the car and looking toward Bambam, who had eyes brown eyes on his friend's smiling face.

His phone rang again.

 **from:** bambam hyung  
he just gave you a lollipop and I can feel your happiness from here!

 **|3:47 pm:** does anyone know that you like him?

**\- c -**

“Okay sweetheart” the Thai say in a suggestive tone, crossing Yugyeom hotel door. He was fully dressed as if he is ready to go to a party. “Tell me everything”.

Kim Yugyeom frowned, closed the door behind his friend, who threw himself on the bed and crossed his long, lean legs as he gestured for the boy to sit down.

“Are you going to a party?”

“Yes, but don’t change the subject” he complained, snapping his fingers roughly. “I want to know when this feeling started. Go!”

“What? What feeling?” Yugyeom put his hands on his hip. “What are you exactly talking about hyung?” he asked with an indifferent expression, raising an eyebrow at his friend's suggestive laughter. “What's so funny?”

“It's funny to see you acting as you could fool me.” the Thai answer smiling. “Yugyeom, I am a good observer. I have been watching you for a long time since you becoming close to Jaebeom hyung... I always knew you had something more behind your arrogant actor reputation so please don’t try to fool me like an idiot because we know that I am not”.

Kim Yugyeom adored Bambam. He and the Thai had actually become close because of the film, Yugyeom even slept in the boy's apartment whenever he had the chance, though he had never felt safe enough to say or ask anything about his thoughts about Jaebeom or Jinyoung to Bambam.

“I am not do anything, hyung, just don’t-”

“You like him!” Bambam cut the younger one. “You, my dear Kim Yugyeom, likes Jinyoung hyung.” he said firmly, getting up and watching his friend make an ugly grin. “Stop lying to me please? I thought we were friends”.

“We are friends!”

“Then why cannot you admit it to me?” Bambam insisted, raising his voice but that only made the tall one act like a complete idiot by laughing at him. The Thai sighed deeply. “I cannot have your bank account or your legion of fans, but I know what it's like to be in the public world and need to keep secrets”.

Although angry with his friend's meddling, Yugyeom knew he was not asking him to offend or hurt him, he knew that Bambam was just anxious to be part of an important side in his life.

“I like Jaebeom hyung.” Yugyeom's eyes widened quickly as he realized what his friend was saying. The Thai put his hands on his face and screamed before looking the other in the eyes again and repeating firmly. “I like Jaebeom hyung as long as I understand that I really, really like that asshole! It started in a fashion show, he went to watch… and Jesus fuck me, but have you ever seen that son of a bitch smile?”

“What?”

“Yeah. The stylist was a friend and introduced us, and Jaebeom did not stop smiling while talking to me...” Bambam shook his head with a loud noise. “Do you realize I almost had a heart attack when Jackson and Jinyoung hyung announced that he was joining the cast? I panicked!”

Bambam babbled pacing back and forth in the bedroom, dragging Yugyeom's surprised look at his movements and words. The younger held him by the shoulders:

“You... you like Jaebeom hyung?” he asked just to be sure. Bambam nodded. “So you are gay?”

“Ah… yeah?” the Thai asked in an obvious and rhetorical way. He shook Yugyeom's hands away. “And our friendship almost went to the drain when you... you know! I know you two had something”.

The younger one made a fake smile on his face and walked away, swinging his arms from side to side.

“I have no idea what-”

“Bullshit!”

“It was just an experiment!” Yugyeom grunted as he headed toward the bed, sitting up and rubbing his face. He could not believe he was talking to Bambam about it. About him and Jaebeom. About him and another man. “Fuck God I kissed him and you like him and... I had no idea, hyung! If it's any consolation, I was confused at the time and we were just trying to and-”

“Wait a minute.” Bambam stopped him, closing his eyes. “An experiment? What? Jaebeom hyung it’s your first? What the fuck”.

The boy scratched the back of his neck and sighed deeply.

Bambam and Yugyeom talked for hours until they came to the current facts about the actor and the writer who had come to consensus terms that they wouldn’t get involved until nothing could hurt the movie but how the younger was eager to kiss him after his virtual friend gave him so much encouragement that he would go after what he wanted.

“Wow…” was all Bambam could say. “It's very sad that you have not been allowed to find out yourself Gyeom. Your mother is crazy by the way.” his words sounded like a whisper because he didn’t want to overdo it by offending Yugyeom’s mother. “And it sucks that Jinyoung hyung has decided this... even though I understand him”.

“I also understand and I don’t see any problem in this. A career is much more important than a stupid romance that cannot even work because I'm not sure about anything!” Yugyeom shrugged, knowing it would be selfish of him to act as if Jinyoung had done something he would not have done too. “It's just that now everything is crazy, you know? I say in relation to my thoughts” he said impatiently, rolling his eyes. “I get frustrated because I cannot get him out of my head and maybe all this is because I'm clinging to something I've created, but-”

“Can you breathe?” Bambam laughed, holding his friend's shoulders tightly. “I understand, you've just discovered a new universe, you had this thing of your mother having forced you to live a life that maybe it should not be yours and there's this nice guy who's calm and gives you all you can stand in the right measure. I get it!” he nodded seriously. “But I'll be honest with you, your friend Saya is right, you'll only find out if you're clinging to Jinyoung because he’s a nice guy or not if you give a try to find it our... but you do not necessarily have to try it with him”.

“I already tried Jaebeom and fucked up”.

“Because Jaebeom hyung is too intense!” Bambam laugh and roll his eyes. “Maybe you just have to try with someone different”.

“Noa hyung tried to say that he liked me...” Yugyeom remembered quickly. “He even kissed me one time”.

“And what did you feel?”

“He's like my big brother. It was disgusting!”

Bambam laughed, saying that he had also gone through something similar and that today both regret the only kiss they had divided.

“Jaebeom is intense and Noa is like a brother to you, Jinyoung is unavailable until he can realize his dreams, and there is still the fact that he can be a father soon, so...” Bambam smiled, getting up, going to the closet. “We're going out”.

“To where?”

“We can be on an island, but there are clubs here too Gyeom. Let's dance and find you a mouth that does not recognize you to kiss”.

**— ■ —**

When Yugyeom turned to the right, feeling his stomach turn and everything he had ingested to insist on returning, his eyes fell on a couple kissing in the corner.

They were both guys. The taller had the small one against the wall outside, his legs were wrapped around his waist and Yugyeom could swear he could see the way they put their tongues in each other's mouth, making obscene sounds and rubbing themselves on the public.

And despite having an alcohol poisoning, he couldn’t look away as memories exploded in his head, causing him to remember the way Jinyoung had pressed his body into the bed as he kissed him.

He wanted to know if it was that way they looked like they were kissing, desperate for each other or if it was just Yugyeom who liked to imagine what didn’t exist for real.

His stomach turned over and he threw his body forward, throwing up a stinking liquid before he heard footsteps coming toward him and reacted faster than his head, putting his hand on his face for fear of being recognized and having a picture shared on the internet.

“Gee!” Park Jinyoung laughed, holding the boy by the fist instead of letting him fall by the weight of his own body moving against his intoxicated mind. “Calm down, it's just me”.

“Hyung? What the fuck are you doing here?” Yugyeom shook his head in frustration, pulling his hand from the grip of the other to clean his mouth. “I thought it was some stranger. What are you doing here?”

“Jackson and Jaebeom convinced me to come” Jinyoung answer, putting his hands in his pockets. “Bambam said you were out to have some air... are you feeling okay?”

Yugyeom swallowed.

He couldn’t believe his night had just ended, because if the director and writer were in that nightclub, he would have no chance to put his plan to kiss someone into action. Much less had they brought Jaebeom, who probably wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Yeah, just needed some air” the actor sniffed, ignoring the fact that he had thrown up in front of Jinyoung. “It was starting to get hot there”.

Jinyoung nodded and then turned to the right, seeing the couple who had stunned Yugyeom's head even more. He smiled suggestively, biting his lower lip at the thought of something that should be ignored while the film wasn’t being released or until he was able to control the external situations.

“Jaebeom hyung asked me to let you know he's at the bar”.

“Ah. Why?”

“How could I know?” Jinyoung asked back, watching the younger one nod and slip his hand into his pants. Yugyeom picked up the lighter and one cigarette, feeling the taste of mint enhance the taste of vomit in his mouth. “So you smoke?” the younger nodded, letting out the white smoke. “Interesting. Can you give me one?”

“Don’t have other. Sorry”.

“Not a problem” Park Jinyoung smiled again, just as suggestively as Yugyeom had seen before. “I can smoke with you... cannot I?”

The actor's throat was tender for a long moment before he handed the cigarette to the older man and watched him take a good swallow before returning it to his owner. He averted his gaze from Jinyoung's face as they both heard a loud groan from the couple.

“I think we'd better get back inside.” Yugyeom filled his lungs with smoke and then released it, taking another drag and then handing the cigarette to Jinyoung. “I go ahead first”.

“I want to ask you something.” the man says in a long swallow as well, looking toward the two men who didn’t seem to be ashamed to be kissing in public. “Did you like it?” he asked, looking back at Yugyeom, who replied with a confused, cold expression. “My hand on your dick Yugyeom. Did you like the feeling?”

Yugyeom's seedling turned into a mix of sensations as if everything was running loose inside his body because they had never touched that subject since it had happened. Partly because something inside Yugyeom refused to admit that it had happened, partly because after he was sure he wanted to get into the subject, Jinyoung decided that they should getaway for the sake of their careers.

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about this until everything was finished with the movie and stuff.” he felt Jinyoung's approach, the way he touched his forearm and looked at him with a sly grin on his lips. As he brought his face into his neck. “Hyung…”

Jinyoung breathed into his skin.

“What if I say it's okay if we fool around?” the writer pressed a quick kiss against his neck, smiling as he felt the younger body twist with the sensation and try to pull away. Jinyoung grabbed Yugyeom's waist tightly and pressed him against the first solid surface he found ahead, taking another kiss against the actor's warm skin. “And if I told you that for today it's okay if we stay a little bit close that way? Huh?”

His wrist pounded against Jinyoung's mouth, which seemed warmer and warmer as he licked his neck and left kisses as his hands held him in place. He knew what that meant, that Jinyoung was willing to break his own rules when he felt needy because that was how Yugyeom worked with the eldest... he would kiss him only when he felt needy and desperate for someone else's touch.

“Heejin noona isn’t back yet?” the younger dared to mention, feeling Jinyoung’s teeth on his skin. “Hyung...” he whimpered, crushing the boy's black hair. “What did I say wrong? Do you want me to pretend innocent and think that you're not here just because you don’t have someone to fuck with?”

Jinyoung laughed licking his own lips, moving away to take a good look at Yugyeom and make him understand:

“First, don’t need to fuck a woman who cheating me and is probably is pregnant from another, stop talk about it.” the writer teased back, grabbing Yugyeom's lips between his teeth and looking into his brown eyes. “And second, If I wanted to fuck someone, I could fuck anyone in that fuck club _kiddo_ ”.

Yugyeom didn’t want to admit it, but it was true.

He knew that Jinyoung or any of the other men inside the nightclub could sleep with anyone they wanted without worry about anything. Yugyeom is the one how could not do it.

Of course he wanted to, but he couldn’t because he was trying to understand his feelings for another man, and sleeping with a woman that night wouldn’t help more than ease his sexual needs.

“Then why don’t you go back and fuck one of them?"

Jinyoung rubbed his tongue over Yugyeom's hot lips, glancing around before actually daring to say anything to him:

“Because today I want to fuck you”.

**\- c -**

Yugyeom's hands shook as he twisted the key to open the door of his room, but he wasn't sure if it was nervousness or anticipation. When they entered the room, Jinyoung pushed him against the wood of the door and kissed him again, licking his lips and squeezing his whole body.

They had tried hard not to touch each other all the way back to the hotel because Jaebeom kept talking to Yugyeom and Jackson was babbling about the absurdity of being back so early, so it had been really frustrating to act as if they hadn't hurried friends because they wanted to be alone. Even worse had to convince Jaebeom to go to his room instead of following Yugyeom to talk about some shit topic.

“I thought he would stomp like a spoiled brat until you let him come to your room.” Jinyoung laughed against Yugyeom's mouth, hearing him breathe. The younger one groaned biting his lips, who sighed excitedly at the way the taller one seemed horny. “Thank God you convinced him to give away...”

Yugyeom ran both of his hands through Jinyoung’s hair, feeling his body melt with the older man's touches, how breathed against his skin and kissed him so needy and he didn’t know if things really should happen so fast if he should feel so desperate for someone's touch but he couldn’t gather enough thoughts to prove that everyone and himself were wrong about that fucking sexual experiment.

Shivers ran down his body as Jinyoung's hands touched his skin inside his t-shirt, which made him sound in a way that he had no idea he could even sound.

“Just please…” the actor moaned, placing a kiss on the corner of Jinyoung's mouth before taking his lips and smiling between the kiss as he pressed his hips against him. “Shit!” Yugyeom whispered, closing his eyes and hold Jinyoung's neck as the older man ran his fingertips over his abdomen, making him smile at the sensation. “Hyung...”

They had never really talked about Yugyeom’s tastes with words, they just kissed and pushed to the limit together and ended up yelling at each other at some point but Park Jinyoung knew a few things about how exactly to make that boy lose his mind... and it wasn’t a matter of intelligent but of feelings. He just knows what he could like to feel.

“Do you like it huh? Is it good right?” the writer asked breathlessly, licking his own lips as he squeezed Yugyeom's skin. The actor nodded, closing his eyes, his lips parting with pleasure as the older squeezed him harder, then moved his fingers slowly, gently. “Are you tickling?”

“A little...” Yugyeom giggle. “But it's good too”.

“Do you want me to show you something new?”

The question made Kim Yugyeom open his eyes because he wasn’t sure what ‘new thing’ could mean — he remembered having provoked Jinyoung about sex and that he definitely had to have sex with someone, but he didn’t want to overdo it for real.

He did not want to have sex with Jinyoung because only the idea made his body shake the wrong way and his stomach twist. He now knows that Saya was right to say that he would only find out trying, but he still didn’t want to try to cross _that_ line.

“I cannot have sex with you” he said earnestly, over his high breath as he watched Jinyoung's smile grow on his face in a mocking manner. Yugyeom bit his cheeks. “I know I insinuated that but I really cannot”.

Jinyoung chuckled, kissed Yugyeom’s cheeks, making the boy frown and project his lips to get one of the older man's pecks. The actor grabbed the writer's face to make him stop moving so much and kiss his lips instant his face.

“We do not need to have sex” the older man finally replied, between the boy's lips. Yugyeom kept his eyes open, seeing something like fire in the man's eyes. Jinyoung moved his feet making Yugyeom follow him around the room until they both fell on the bed. “There are so many other forms of pleasure besides sex Gyeom-ah. We can explore if you want”.

Yugyeom let out a breath between his parted lips, delighting in Jinyoung's provocative expression as he approached again and kissed his neck, making popping sounds on his already marked skin. The boy closed his eyes and stretched his face, not realizing that the other was slowly pulling away from his knees.

They kissed again, this time fiercely, with hickeys and bites on sensitive lips as their hands wandered in each other's bodies. Yugyeom heard the writer gasp too loudly as he pressed his fingernails to his back, which pressed his hips against him as he landed in the middle of his legs.

“Will you promise not to freak out later?” Jinyoung asked, holding Yugyeom's fists against the bed and pulling away just enough to look into his face. The actor pursed his lips but nodded. “No, you need to use words or you'll say I did something against your will...” the man raised his eyebrows. “You promise not to freak out later and you'll talk to me as an adult if something bother you?”

Suddenly something funny went through Yugyeom's mind.

“I usually say this to women that sleep with me.” he said to the writer, laughing louder. “It's a bit funny.” he giggles, watching the other roll his eyes. Jinyoung clenched his fists a little more, making him groan in pain. “Yeah, yeah I promise to try not to freak out!”

Yugyeom let out his breath, parting his lips as he felt the way Jinyoung pressed his hip against him, squeezing theirs dicks into each other in that position — the actor would probably feel ashamed later.

“Kiss me…” he whispered, feeling his cheeks burn as Jinyoung rubbed him again, hard. “Fuck. Kiss me Jinyoung. I’ll not freak out later”.

It was all Park Jinyoung needed to hear, he held the boy's arms over his head, kissing Yugyeom without letting him take some time to breathe or back out. The boy's heart was beating so hard that he felt weak, on the edge and every time the older man rubbed at him, he wanted to moan.

Jinyoung stood on his knees, between Yugyeom's legs and licked his lips as he gestured for the youngest to take off his t-shirt. When his eyes had a good view of the boy's wrist, he was sure he loved that image. His fingers went to the dandelion ink on the boy's rib, trailing his fingers to the other side.

“ _I'm not like that...”_ Jinyoung read, moving his hands toward Yugyeom’s arms, touching his shoulder. “Believe me…?” the suggestive smile in his mouth made it clear how horny he was, how the drawings on the actor's soft, warm skin instigated his impure thoughts. “Did it hurt?”

Yugyeom's hands flew quickly to Jinyoung's hips, which had been sitting on his lap without the younger one noticing what was happening until he felt the other one. The younger's eyes closed again and his lips parted as Jinyoung moved his waist and propped his hip in a wave, moving his ass over Kim Yugyeom's already hard dick.

“Huh? What?” Jinyoung teased again, rubbing himself against Yugyeom member, pinching the spot where the dandelion tattoo was, making him moan in pain. “I asked if it hurt?”

“Do you have a spot to make other people feel pain?” Yugyeom asked back, feeling his skin burn when the older man punched him again and rubbed himself on his cock again. “Shit... the jeans are hurting me”.

“Yeah?” the writer raised his lips, reaching for the zipper and unbuttoned the piece roughly, pulling some of the actor pubic hair, who bit his mouth and complained holding his hands. “Fuck, did I hurt you Yugyeomie? I'm sorry.” Yugyeom nodded closed-eyed as the writer got rid of his hands and stepped off of him, grabbing his pants to pull them off. Jinyoung looks at him for a moment. “Why you close your eyes?”

“Are you going to leave me naked?” Yugyeom asked putting his hands on his face to hide his scary expression. “Why?”

“I need to take it or you'll feel more discomfort” Jinyoung answers calmly. “There's no need to be embarrassed. I've already seen you, right?”

“Yeah, but...” Yugyeom bit the corner of his mouth. “I saw some video on the internet and-”

“Porn is content made to keep some stereotypes illusion.” Jinyoung cut him off, moving to take Yugyeom's hands off his face. “We don’t ask for sugar to our neighbor and ends up having sex, the first time does not always hurt like hell, and not every gay has ass or balls hair shaved”.

Yugyeom's eyes widened, horrified by the old man's sincerity, but unable to hold back his own laughter as he pressed a wet kiss in his lips.

“You don’t have to be ashamed in front of me.” Jinyoung whispered against his ear, putting Yugyeom’s arms around his body before returning to the work he was doing. “Just remember that I am here for you, to help you with your needs” he whisper, lifted Yugyeom's hips off the bed to push his jeans down. “And there's nothing to be ashamed of because nothing we're doing is ugly”.

Yugyeom chewed his own lower lip, wishing he wasn’t so affected by Jinyoung’s words when he heard him say he was there just for his personal pleasure. When the eldest threw the pants and his underwear on the floor, he felt the cold air shiver through his skin but only for a few seconds, because Jinyoung's lips leave wet kisses on his chest.

All the embarrassment drained from his body as Jinyoung's tongue touched Yugyeom’s nipple, and he reacted strangely with a desperate groan and pressed his body against the mattress as he touched the back of his elbow. The writer's gaze rose to his face and he didn’t look away, watching him smile and bite into his nipple again.

Yugyeom's lips parted in a perfect oval shape and his entire skin became warm with the sensation because beyond the boy's tongue, he had that luscious tickling sensation about his body every time Jinyoung ran his fingertips lightly over it.

Kim Yugyeom was good in bed. He had already slept with some people, had played several roles, and felt several different emotions in bed but he had never felt so fragile from feeling just someone's mouth against his skin, so surrendered to having his member pressed by firm fingers made him roll his eyes in orbits.

“Holy shit Jesus!” Yugyeom coughed an involuntary moan, not knowing what to focus on, the boy's tongue on his nipple or his fingers on his dick, masturbating him in circles, and making wet sounds echo to his ears. “Hyung, hyung, hyung...”

Yugyeom's hips moved to the side, as if he was starting to get too sensitive but that only caused Jinyoung to stop and get a pain look from the younger, who only understood what was happening when the writer went back to jerk him off and stopped again when he was close to cum.

“You are so mean to me...” Yugyeom whined, pressing a pillow against his face. Jinyoung sat in the middle of his legs and laughed, concentrating and jerk the boy again, making him try to escape his strong touches and moan. “Jinyoung!” the actor shouted into the pillow, feeling his body shake from another cut of orgasm. He clenched his toes and lay still, breathing in the feathers pressed against his face. “Hyung...”

“Are you crying?” Park Jinyoung asked in surprise, trying to pull the pillow off the boy's face, who fought until the last moment. The writer laughed, approaching to kiss the boy. “Are you crying because you want to cum?” he whispered against Yugyeom's mouth, receiving a murmur of an answer. “ _Huh_ mean yes?” the boy nodded, sniffing. “Okay, then I'll stop torturing you… _crybaby_ ”.

They exchanged sloppy, wet kisses, with Jinyoung biting, sucking, sticking his tongue into the younger man's mouth, groaning as he responded to his hand that jerk his rosy dick non-stop, masterfully, circling and rubbing his dickhead.

The older man lowered his mouth down the boy's body, leaving red hickeys along his way down his belly, and with his mouth he finished the work he had interrupted with his hand. Yugyeom bit his cheeks as he felt Park Jinyoung's throat, swallowing the youngest dick, and Yugyeom is sure he had never felt so overwhelmed by a blowjob.

Yugyeom fought the urge to push his hips up, to fuck Jinyoung's throat harder as he felt the older man slide his cock between his lips and suck the head, making sounds that electrified his sensitive skin and dizzy mind.

“Jinyoung, Jinyoung...!” Yugyeom tried to warn but the writer moving his head up and down so faster and faster. The actor tried to sink his hip into the mattress, to at least give the older man a way out but it was too late, he was already panting and his eyes were blurred by the sensation of orgasm reaching every corner of his mind.

Yugyeom was breathless, his throat burning as Jinyoung kissed his whole neck and smiled against his skin, filling his expressions as the sensation of an orgasm slowly left his body, leaving behind the numbness on his patchy skin red.

“Are you okay?” the older man asked, placing a kiss on the boy's forehead, who nodded. Jinyoung laughed through his nose, taking some hair from the actor's forehead. “Absolutely sure you're okay?” he asked again, to be sure. “I can walk away if you-”

“ _Any, any_.” Yugyeom interrupted him, grabbing his hand and turning sideways to face the older man, who laughed. The boy denied it more firmly, close his eyes. “I am really fine, chill”.

Park Jinyoung had nothing more than a great friendship and affection for Kim Yugyeom. He had learned to like the boy, even if everything in him had pushed him away and hated him, they were good friends and his heart had shivered a little when he saw him so bereft of a few months — when they kissed for the first time.

He didn’t know exactly why perhaps he had seen himself in the boy's despair — he wished he had a friend to trust and help him to discover life in the past — and he simply couldn’t say no to all the times Yugyeom sought him out for the need of his touches and then kick him off his bed with a scream.

But with all the drama surrounding them, he was glad that Yugyeom doesn’t want to yell and kick him out. Jinyoung blow hot air over the boy's closed eyes, which frowned and smiled. His fingers intertwined and for a brief moment, the writer remembered his ex-fiancé — Heejin was the one who liked to entangle fingers after sex.

“I guess I have to go now” Jinyoung whispered, pulling a gray hair from the boy's long lashes in front of him. “We have a full day tomorrow and you need to sleep a little”.

Yugyeom's brown eyes opened and he smiled — he would never dare to ask Jinyoung to stay the night, it wasn’t what he really wanted.

Right?

The actor let go of the older man's hand and watched him get up to fix his hair and then he sees it. Jinyoung had done everything dressed.

And perhaps the impartiality of that vision made Yugyeom think against his interests because something inside him bothered and he sat up quickly, bending his knees forward and putting his feet back like a big child. He gripped Jinyoung's wrist.

Maybe Jinyoung couldn’t see it but Yugyeom's pupils were big from horny when the idea of wanting to get the writer off his clothes through his mind. He smirked and held the fleshy and sensitive lip between his teeth, pulling the boy back to bed.

“What are you-”

“I want to suck you, hyung”.

And maybe that was the second time Park Jinyoung felt his chest warm because Kim Yugyeom’s words, who moved on the mattress and pulled him between his legs, wrapping around the older man's waist.

Yugyeom's hot lips touched Jinyoung’s, then passed to his neck as his hands searched the bar of his shirt and pulled it out, leaving him half-naked. He gripped the older boy's neck, biting the lobe of his ear and feeling his warm breath against his shoulder.

“I want to suck you so badly”.


	21. seems like such a lost cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Going to see her was definitely the best thing I could have done in my entire life”.

\- i –

“Damn. I still can't believe you shaved for me.” Jinyoung smiled, make some circles with his tongue, pressing kisses on Kim Yugyeom's sweaty skin, who was totally naked on his bed as if six weeks ago he wasn't ashamed of the eldest one. “So fucking hot”.

“I didn't do that for you idiot” the actor replied with a tired breath, brushing Jinyoung's black hair out of his eyes to get a better view of the man's face. They were tired. “But because I was starting to get lumps on my skin, you always ended up pulling some pubic hair and it hurt a lot”.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes as he placed one last kiss on the actor's Adam's apple and got out of bed, brushing a few strands of hair that were too large from his eyes. While watching Jinyoung look in the mirror and complain about a _love bite_ on his neck, Yugyeom recalled the things the writer had done to his body and how he had said he didn't need attention after being neglected all the time by the youngest touches.

Not that he had confidence in his skills because they were still testing a lot and last time Yugyeom had bitten Jinyoung unintentionally, leaving a dark scar on the writer's groin for trying to repeat what he had seen in some videos Saya had sent.

But whenever Jinyoung gets away from Yugyeom, always making the boy cum in his hand or mouth, the actor would feel uncomfortable with the idea of the writer waiting for him to leave his apartment or fall asleep in the guest room to relieve himself or just ignore his erection.

Yugyeom thought about Jinyoung masturbating, moaning as he slid his cock into his own hand, frustrated that he had held his orgasm for so long. It didn't seem right. The younger didn't want the older to relieve himself, to wait for him to leave to have some pleasure too.

He wanted to be the reason for Jinyoung's insanity, wanted to make him moan in despair, shiver through his body, call his name, and praise him for that and not do it alone. He wished he could see the writer's face when the orgasm hit him and left him breathless on the sheets.

“Can we do it again?” Yugyeom asked placing his chin on Jinyoung's shoulder, who smiled at his reflection in surprise and turned to him, catching his chin and denying it. “Why not?”

Jinyoung ruffled his own hair, feeling his eyes sting from the sweat on his temples before actually answering:

“It’s hurt a little today, Gyeom.” he said rubbing his thumb over the younger boy's chin, who nodded with a still confused expression. “My dick hurts...” Jinyoung says again but Yugyeom had understood the first time. He just didn't understand why not doing something about it was the best option if he was feeling uncomfortable. The writer shrugged. “I won't be satisfied with what you want to do, not now. I know it's not fair but I better be honest-”

“You don't know what I want to do.” the actor cut him off, pressing his naked body against Jinyoung's, rubbing his hands on the man’s neck before whispering in his ear. “Just come back to bed hyung”.

Jinyoung frowned, analyzing Yugyeom's face as the younger one pulled away and pulled him by the wrist. He swallowed as Yugyeom sat on the bed and gripped his hips tightly.

“You don't want to do that-” Park Jinyoung's voice trailed off in the throat as Kim Yugyeom approached his face to his abdomen and placed a wet kiss in a dangerous zone. “Gyeom-ah...”

“I want you.” said the actor, his heart suddenly racing, his head growing heavy with all the thoughts he was having about that situation. He would lie if he said he wasn't nervous, his trembling fingers were living proof that Yugyeom was terrified but he couldn't deny that he had been thinking about it for too long. He had done a lot of research, read a lot of articles, and talked to Saya as much as possible about it, and has been looking forward to an opportunity ever since. “I swear everything is fine”.

“I don't know if that's a good idea.” Jinyoung breathed out, holding Yugyeom's hair as the boy pressed his lips to that same region again, making his body hurt with the sensation. “If I do what I want... it will hurt”.

“Fine.” Yugyeom whispered, squeezing Jinyoung’s ass over the sweatshirt. Jinyoung licked his lips and made an expression of pleasure feeling his cock throb. “I can take the pain”.

“You're not ready for this.” he tried again, hearing the younger laugh against his skin. Jinyoung didn't want to end up making a mistake because Yugyeom could only be acting on the spur of the moment without realizing it. “We would need to clean you up and-”

“Your bathroom has a showerhead.” the actor stopped him, looking up as he licked his lips. “I searched. You can use it on me”

Park Jinyoung's mind clouded in a moment with Kim Yugyeom's words, making him shun all the uncertainty in the corner and ignore the thousands of problems they might have had if they moved to that level just now — the older man grabbed the boy’s face, making their mouths connect and Yugyeom get up.

When they get in Jinyoung's bathroom, staggering and treading on their own feet, the writer turned on the shower pressure and plunged Yugyeom under the hot water, devouring his lips so hungry that the youngest was each more certain that they should do that, they should jump to the next level, without creating drama about it.

Yugyeom moaned between Jinyoung's lips as he rubbed his groin with his knee, making him have a slight reminder of how anxious he was. He gripped the older man's neck and sucked his lips between his teeth, biting delicately before meeting the writer's horny brown eyes.

“Can you take off your clothes now?” he asked because Jinyoung always does it with clothes on when they were together and had stepped into the shower that way too. “It's a little weird with me all naked and you all dressed up like that”.

“I thought touching the skin with skin bothers you?” Jinyoung says, drawing his lips closer to Yugyeom's neck, touching his hip, feeling him squeeze his shoulders with sensation.

“How are you going to fuck me all dressed up?” the younger one asked against his ear, licking his earlobe and taking a deep breath against his skin, biting and touching where he could touch. “Take your clothes off please hyung, I need to feel you”.

Jinyoung pulled back just to take off his shirt and sank back into the crook of Yugyeom's neck, kissing and pressing his tongue against the boy's skin, which shuddered when the man pulled his pants down and turned his body against his, pressing his bare skin under the water as he kissed him on the mouth.

The writer ran his hand over Yugyeoom’s body so lightly that it tickled until he reached between his legs and rubbed his fingers there, pressing his left knee to make some home before looking him in the boy’s eyes with a short, serious command:

“Open your legs”.

Yugyeom did as he was ordered. He swallowed and braced his hands on the wall as if to hold on before slowly spreading his legs, feeling Jinyoung's knee take space between them before his hand touched him. His lips parted to a perfect O shape and his pupils seemed larger, more aroused as the older one smoothed his wet skin without taking his eyes off him.

The writer held the boy's left knee, moving his eyes up to the movement of his chest, responding to his quick breathing, guiding his leg, and making him put his foot against the wall. This position left Yugyeom so exposed that even with the hot water running over his body, he felt a shiver shake him.

“Open your mouth for me” Jinyoung asked, leading his fingers toward Yugyeom's pink lips, watching him open them slowly and wince as he received the writer's fingers. “Suck them up”.

The boy's breath caught in his throat as he closed his hot lips over Jinyoung's slender fingers, which pressed his other hand to his thigh, keeping his leg against the wall while pinning him to the wall with his hip. He thrust his fingers deep enough for Yugyeom to feel them touch the end of his tongue, dragging a trickle of saliva as they left the actor's mouth, strolled over his chest, and rubbed against his skin, toward his legs.

Jinyoung's lips parted in reaction to the way Yugyeom gripped him tightly, squinting and pulling his body in the opposite direction as he rubbed one of the fingers the boy had sucked on his hole. Jinyoung let go of the boy's knee, wishing he didn't get out of that position, and held him by the hip to keep him in place when the pressure of his finger made him complain.

Yugyeom gasped.

“It hurts, it hurts!” the boy whispered feeling embarrassed, losing all interest in the idea of having sex with Jinyoung that night. His chin quivered as the elder pressed his mouth to his breastplate and breathed hard against his skin, pressing just a little deeper inside. “Hyung, hyung, wait...!”

“Does it hurt that much?” Jinyoung asked, panting against the boy's skin, feeling his whole body too hot, his head too heavy, his heart pounding at his temples. Yugyeom tried to move. “I can't have sex with you without doing it before Gyeom-ah... you just need to relax”.

Yugyeom made a crying expression before closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall, not really knowing what to do. He had no way of being relaxed because the pain was a little worse — perhaps a lot worse — than he had ever imagined it would be.

“Can you turn off the water?” he whispered shakily, sniffling and pressing his palm to his nose. “And can you kiss me?”

“I can do whatever you want.” Jinyoung smiled doing what was asked, kissing the corner of the actor's mouth. “Keep your leg like that to me, okay?” Yugyeom nodded, sighing deeply. “Try to relax a little” the writer pressed another kiss to Yugyeom's lips, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “I promise it will get better soon, so... just try to relax”.

Though he found it impossible, the boy tried to relax into Jinyoung's thoughtful and lightly tender kisses as the older man pressed his finger against his role again, causing his calf to tremble and he to wrap his arms around the man’s neck to deepen the kiss before he started to cry and be even more ashamed.

Jinyoung smiled between the kiss as he felt Yugyeom's insides stop contracting and expel his finger, letting him begin to bend the curve of his finger, caressing Yugyeom inside and the actor didn’t expect his shy sobs to turn into a sound of pleasure that echoed softly through his lips. Yugyeom held his lips between his teeth and kept his eyes fixed on Jinyoung's, who after a few moments pressed another finger inside him.

“Ah!” Yugyeom frowned, digging his nails into the back of the writer's neck and clenching her lips with intensity, with the pressure inside him that ached and made his insides throb. He didn't know what to think or take from that sensation, but his hip moved up and down, against Jinyoung's hand, over the burning. “Shit”.

“See? Even the pain is pleasurable.” the man whispered excitedly, feeling his cock ache with lust. He moved his fingers like scissors, forcing Yugyeom's insides to press him and the boy moan in a mixture of pleasure and pain. If only Yugyeom could see himself now, his lips parted and bruised, his eyes full of lust and goosebumps as he forced himself to accept Jinyoung's fingers. The writer felt his cock throb again. “Can I put another one?”

“Please!”

Jinyoung smiled, drawing his lips closer to Yugyeom's collarbone, where he bit down as he pressed another finger inside the boy, who scratched the back of his neck and hit a curse about his breath. It wasn't long before Yugyeom was moving his own body, his waist rolling in a slow curve until Jinyoung's fingers stung inside, two, three times.

Suddenly Jinyoung hit somewhere that made Yugyeom cry in his ear and squeeze it hard against his body, dropping his leg and the good feeling turning into a pain that made him cry again. The boy buried his face in the crook of the older man's neck, who pushed his fingers a little farther and slapped his thigh so that he lifted his leg back to where he ordered him to lean.

“I hit your prostate...” he whispered holding Yugyeom's waist, moving his face uncomfortably to move the boy's head from his shoulder, to make him look into her eyes. “If I touch from a wrong angle it could hurt a little” he explained when he finally got the younger one to stare at him with his teary, red eyes. “But if I play the right way...” Jinyoung opened his mouth following Yugyeom's expression, which trembled over his hand. “See? It’s good, right? You like this way?”

Yugyeom's body was slowly getting used to the feeling, his mind was becoming more relaxed and surrendered to what was happening and even though it burned a little when Jinyoung started to wash it off and he was more than ashamed of it — the younger man's hands didn't leave his face for even a minute when he began to feel something literally come out of his body with the water —, as if he couldn't wait for the first opportunity to kill himself for getting into this situation.

However, Jinyoung had really struggled with his thoughtful words, remembering that this was real life and not porn movies, that it was really natural and that it was his right to be embarrassed if he wanted to, but he shouldn't worry about what the writer wondered because he didn't mind doing that for him.

When it was over, Kim Yugyeom rushed to the bed wrapped in a bathrobe and threw himself on the bed, hiding his face in the pillows as he waiting for Jinyoung cleaning the bathroom — if Yugyeom could throw himself from a window without creating confusion for everyone, he would it without thinking twice and leave that shame forever.

“Are you still interested in having sex with me?” The sudden question scared Yugyeom, the boy quacked against the pillow, and Jinyoung laughed. “Fine if you don't want to. At least you had a sense of how sore and I clean you-”.

“Holy shit, shut up!” Yugyeom shouted knowing that Jinyoung was doing it to tease him. He snorted against the pillow and punched the mattress, but went still as the other's hands pressed his hip a little into the bed. “Can you kiss my ass?”

“What?” Jinyoung laughed, dropping the youngster's hip and slapping Yugyeom's ass. “Did you really, for real, ask me to kiss your ass Kim Yugyeom?”

The boy sank deeper into the pillow feeling his face burn even more. He had watched so many videos uploaded by Saya, and the ones he liked and found most appealing were those that involved an ass and a tongue in it. Yugyeom squeezed the pillow tightly as he felt the robe slowly rise, where Jinyoung's hands rubbed and squeezed tightly his ass.

“Fucking yes…” the writer moaned at the sensation. He knelt closer, not taking his eyes off the skin that was gradually turning pink with the pressure of his fingers. “How cute... you get so red when-shit! So red and soft over my hands Gyeom-ah.” he whispered licking his lips at the ideas that crept through his mind and made his skin crawl. His long fingers brushed the cheeks of the boy's ass, making him breathe harder against the pillow. “Are you sure?”

“yes, yes!” Yugyeom nodded firmly. “Please kiss my-ah!”

His breath cut brutally because Jinyoung didn't wait for him to think twice, just pulled his cheeks apart and sank his face there, first touching with the tip of his tongue and then pressing as far as possible into him.

Yugyeom smiled closing his eyes, aware that he was totally right. That was definitely one of the best feelings he'd ever felt in his life and he couldn't wait to have more, more and more. He moved his hips against Jinyoung's face, receiving a slap on the left side of the butt and moaning loudly over it, squeezing the pillow and biting as he felt the writer move his tongue in a circle against his ass hole.

Jinyoung licked his lips and turned Yugyeom's body over the bed, climbing over him and capturing his mouth in a hungry kiss. It seemed that every time Yugyeom asked for Jinyoung do something it sent electric charges to his body and his heartbeat like crazy, his cock hurt more and more and he felt like he was going to explode at any moment.

“I need to fuck you!” the writer took a deep breath, reaching for his wallet or whatever condom package he had in the drawer. He tucked an arm under Yugyeom and moved the boy's body up before putting on the condom and pausing for a moment. Jinyoung felt his throat hurt as he saw despair rising in Yugyeom's face, the man tried to smile naturally so as not to scare the boy again. “It will hurt at first, just as it hurt in the bathroom with my fingers” he swallowed, aware that he would be sick if the actor decided to give up that his dick hurt so much for him. “You can give up if you want. I will not get mad-”

“Hyung!” Yugyeom cut him off with a slightly worried smile, stroking his cheeks. “Shut up, please? I want you inside me”.

Jinyoung's pupils trembled as if the boy had ingested many drugs in his veins. He kissed Yugyeom more calmly, tenderly, and went to his cheek.

“Are you sure?” he asked one last time, knowing it might be hard to stop once it started. Jinyoung had never forced himself on Yugyeom more than the boy allowed, and he knew that this was all an experience and that someday Yugyeom could feel horrible about himself if he wasn't a hundred sure about what he was doing. So it was important for him to make the boy understand that he could change his mind. “Are you absolutely sure about this?”

Yugyeom clutched his lip between his teeth, trying to contain the nervousness that was evident in his face and the reddish tinge of heat in the cheeks. He nodded firmly, letting the words escape his sensitive lips.

“Yeah. Have sex with me.” he whispered, moving his face closer to Jinyoung's, to kiss his mouth. “I want you to have sex with me hyung”.

It seemed like a miserable moment until they were kissing, Jinyoung gripping the boy's two wrists with one hand as he pressed his cock against his entrance and felt slowly being squeezed inside. Yugyeom arched his back on the bed, unable to contain the sound that escaped between the kiss and the tears that were forming at the corner of his eyes.

“Don't stop...” Yugyeom's words came out as Jinyoung kept standing inside him. The boy looked at him with a deep well, it was clear on his face that he no longer cared about the pain as long as Jinyoung didn't stop. “Don't stop, fuck me. Fuck me Jinyoung”.

The writer finally released his wrists, supporting the weight of his own body on his elbows as he hugged the back of Yugyeom's neck with his other arm to keep their faces as close as possible as he began to move his hips against the boy who was opening his legs to receive the man firm and strong movements.

Yugyeom wrapped his arms around Jinyoung, holding on to the man as his insides began to burn as he was fucked less as something fragile and more as a person desperate for what he was transforming with his ragged moans and his expression that overflowed with lust and left Jinyoung even needier, increasingly desperate for him and only him.

Jinyoung put his forehead against Yugyeom's neck, holding him tightly as his speed increased, making the actor's moans and the sound of his hips crashing against him echoed around the room on that hot Friday night.

The writer felt his heavy breathing as he heard Yugyeom's moans when he felt his own cock being crushed inside him while he fucked his hole over and over, hard and at the right point. He already felt his orgasm, sending electric currents throughout his body, making his hips move in a circle to hear the boy melt over it.

“Fuck! Don’t look at me with that sexy face kid.” Park Jinyoung whispered, look at Yugyeom’s wet, open face surrendered to the pleasure of sex, their bodies together, their moans, hands, and mouths wrapped so intimately and so strongly. He smiled breathlessly, he pushed inside Yugyeom one last time, watching him die a thousand times and relive another thousand with the sensation. It was all Jinyoung needed to cum and see the boy hold his breath with the sensation. He wished to take a picture of that moment and, also, that they were not using condoms so the youngest would understand how desperate he was to mark his insides. “I adore you… I adore you to fuck you brat”.

“Hyung, hyung...” Kim Yugyeom narrowed his eyes feeling overwhelmed with the tightness inside him, feeling Jinyoung move his hips deeper, pushing his body with intensity. What really pushed the actor to the limit, however, was the writer's words against his mouth, worshiping his body, his voice, his sweat, his shame, and his soul so sincerely open that he dug his nails into his Jinyoung’s skin and cum in the eldest hand, who smiled satisfied.

Silence. Yugyeom's whole body and mind fell into a deep abyss of silence as his body relaxed with sensation and he muttered something he didn't even understand with his eyes closed. He felt the rest as if he were watching a very realistic dream — the emptiness left for Jinyoung’s dick inside him, the temperature of the man's hands on his skin, something soft wiping him and a warm, tired breath against the back of his neck before a heavy arm holds him in place.

Yugyeom's lips formed a smile as a wet kiss was placed against his sensitive skin. Jinyoung closes his eyes too, ready to dream about that night.

“Good night Gyeom-ah”.

**\- ii –**

Yugyeom propped his elbow on his leg and put his face in his hand, moving his head to expose his long neck and parting his lips in an expression that amazed the photographer with his duality, because they had just taken a sequence of casual photos with Bambam — it was their last day on Jeju Island and they were completing the last page of the photo announcement they were making for K Magazine.

The boy laughed at something Eujin said as he brushed the dust off his forehead, straightening some strands of gray hair — she had probably said that he needing cut his hair or dye the color again.

Jinyoung and Jackson watched the photographs in silence, talking a little only occasionally when they thought a pose didn't go well for them. The younger of the two major filmmakers smiled as the photographer asked Yugyeom to lie on the pillows, remembering three nights ago.

“What's so funny?” Jackson Wang asked his friend, folding his arms across his chest. “Shouldn't you be reviewing the filming with the rest of the crew? I already gave my confirmation, they were waiting for yours before we left”.

Jinyoung sighed deeply, smiled at his friend.

“Ah. Nothing. There's nothing funny.” he replied with a shrug, scratching the back of his neck. “And about filming, you should have more attention, I was the first to give the okay for the sequences”.

Jackson nodded, turning to the computer screen, where the photographer’s assistant along with Sana, who had been devoted all her time to bringing the two directors’ vision to the photoshoots, was selecting the sequences. They heard the man calling for Jaebeom and Yugyeom to laugh as the older man threw himself on the pillows.

“I know I shouldn't think about it but their friendship makes me uneasy when we're in public.” the Chinese say to his friend with a sigh, pressing his thumb against his lip as he saw the two actors follow the photographer's instructions. Jaebeom laid his head on Yugyeom's belly and held the boy's hand, which placed his other hand on his chin, spreading a few fingers over his lips. “Do you think anything is still going on between them?”

Jinyoung evaluated the image on the computer screen. Jaebeom and Yugyeom looked really good together, there was a sensual air when they were making a scene and it overflowed their eyes with everything they did. It was understandable that Jackson had doubts about the 'end'.

“How could I know?” the writer asked back to his friend, approaching to check the position of Yugyeom's arm in the next photo. He hates it. “Minho-ssi? Yugyeom-ssi's left arm is getting weird… can you change position please?” he asked with a friendly smile, showing his thumbs as the man corrected the younger actor's posture. “Anyway, about them? We don't have to think about it, after all, their private lives are just about them, the only thing I hope is that they don't do any public stupidity again. We will not have another way out and we need to survive until the release without much negative criticism about us”.

Jackson nodded patiently, trying to analyze his friend's opinion according to his own. It made sense what Jinyoung was saying, but still, something about Jaebeom and Yugyeom's relationship bothered him so much — perhaps because the older actor had a terrible reputation for always endangering the co-stars of all his dramas or simply because Jackson had an extremely protective brother-to-brother instinct about Yugyeom.

“No need to make it look so sexual!” the Chinese shouted when Jaebeom came out of the picture sticking his fingers in Yugyeom's mouth instead of giving him a strawberry to bite. The actor laughed making the younger laugh too. “This is not porn, it's a fucking romance guys!”

Jinyoung laughed at his friend, keeping his focus on the photos rather than the silly joke of the two actors as they relaxed into the framing the photographer had prepared. He didn't have to worry about the sexual content between the two, this was Jackson's role.

**— ■ —**

After a long trip, Yugyeom just wanted to get to his apartment, put his phone in airplane mode, and sleep until the next morning without anyone bothering him. However, his mother probably had other plans for him, because the moment the boy locked the door behind him, he was surprised with her fake smile. The actor threw the suitcase on the floor.

“How did you find me and how did you get in here?”

“I have my ways.” mrs. Kang grinned, raising her glass of wine at her son with disdain as he rolled his eyes. “Someone told me that you’re coming back today and I decided to come to visit you... aren't you happy?”

“Do I look happy?” Yugyeom smirked, rubbing his scalp as he ruffled his own hair. He sighed deeply, hated to know that his mother had found his address and had managed to get into the apartment, but didn't have the strength to fight with her. “Omma, can you leave to torment me another day please? If you haven't noticed, I need to sleep”.

Kang Bo-Young smiled suggestively, pointing to the suitcase on her son's new couch. The actor moved his eyes toward the garment, not understanding what she wanted in his house with a suitcase. He rubbed his forehead and frowned, crossing his arms.

“A suit? Did you buy me a suit?”

“Not me but a friend of mine.” the woman answer, sipping from her wineglass before heading over to the couch and ordering the garment, extending it to the boy. “Take a shower, fix your face, and get dressed”.

Yugyeom raised his eyebrows.

He had spent a week on a business trip, if there had been a five or six hours flight and his back hurt so much because Jungkook couldn't stop quietly in the back seat and it kept him awake for hours, so Yugyeom refused to leave home.

He let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Mom, just leave me alone for fucks sake!”

Mrs. Kang smile at him, nod.

“Okay. I think you prefer to see what I have in hand when the audience knows instead of going to an event with me and pleasing me…” the woman says with a long sigh. “I mean. You really need to force me to be a bad guy and show everyone your medical record?” she asks him in a superior tone, snorting her nose when the boy scorned her. She couldn't do that, because Yugyeom had made Sehun destroy any information about his medical file after Jinyoung had discovered it. “What do you think I am? Stupid to not realize that Sehun-ssi wants it?”

Yugyeom clenched his jaw.

He had begged Sehun to do everything discreetly as possible because his mother was like a viper ready for slaughter, any sudden movement could mean game over. The actor scratched his temples, annoyed by his manager's incompetence to complete a fucking simple task such as finding a document folder and burning it.

Sehun just needed to take the damn folder and burn it!

“You should have instructed him better, Gyeom-ah. He went home to talk to Yujin because the poor man needed the clinic contact… It was very simple to understand what he wanted.” Bo-Young smile, opening the suitcase. “So I pretended I didn't notice anything, made backups, and wait for the right moment to use it.” she giggles because Yugyeom looks like a mess right in front of her and it made the woman a little bit happy. She shoved the suit to him. “What do you think people will think about you if a send this to some report? What people will talk about your disgusting mental illness?” she projected her lips, pretending not to like the idea for make her own son suffer. “What did you think? That you would challenge and humiliate me saying that you had kissed a boy and that I would do nothing about it Yugyeom?”

“Omma-”

“Put that shit and shut up!” Kang Bo-Young gritted her teeth, leaving her disgust evident in the way he looked at him. Yugyeom held the suit and looked down. “Why are you so sad honey? Just don’t make me angry and everything will be okay… can you do that?”

**\- c –**

“I was really surprised when I heard that you would be participating in this movie, Yugyeom.” mrs. Gil, a friend of the actor's mother since the beginning of his career, sighed deeply, showing her best expression of disappointment. “I have to admit, I don't understand why a handsome, talented guy had to associate with that kind of disgusting image but then your mother explained it to me.” she says, asking a waiter to fill her glass. Yugyeom dropped the cutlery delicately around the plate, watching her mother's contented expression. “And after talking with some American friends, I understand that some actors need to put themselves in extreme jobs and know I am sure God understands that a man's craft has nothing to do with his personal life when it comes to giving his body to a character”.

Yugyeom's eyes grew like two balls.

He couldn’t believe his mother had broached that fucking subject ‘he is doing this because some very important people in society have told us that they had dreams of great deeds, that he needed to do something no one would ever have the courage to do to receive divine approval and transcend’ again. Bo-Young had said the same to everyone.

Worse than that was not the lie she made up behind the boy's back, but the fact that most people believed all her words as if they made perfect sense — instead of just realizing that Yugyeom had chosen to do that movie just because he _wants to do that movie_.

He opened and closed his mouth, unsure how to contest that nonsense, but knew that if he tried, he would create chaos and his mother would probably try to threaten him again with the medical reports. So the actor just sighed deeply and smiled, nodding as he resumed eating.

Sometime later Yugyeom was distracted on his phone when he got his attention hooked by a scent that made him smile because it reminded him of his paternal grandmother and the old woman was definitely one of Kim Yugyeom's favorite people in the entire universe.

He looked away from his phone screen and look to see who it was. The boy didn't know her... not that he remembered, but she was smiling at him as if she knew him and was glad to see him once again in front of her. The actor frowned.

“Uhm. I think my sister owes me five dollars!” the woman said putting her arms behind her back, moving like a child. “I said you wouldn't remember me and she said that it was impossible to forget the first crush”.

Kim Yugyeom's brown eyes widened like two soccer balls. He frowned in disbelief, looked around for a joke, and tried not to laugh at his own question:

“Sang-eun noona?” he sounded like he was talking to a ghost, which was almost true compared to the time he didn't see her if she really was Gil Sang-eun. Yugyeom had been in love with her for most of his childhood after he was 10, because at that time it was 'super cool' to have a crush on an older girl at school. “Is that really you?”

Gil Sang-eun was Mrs. Gil eldest granddaughter and she was Yugyeom's first childhood crush. She was also the only girl he could talk to without his mother pulling his ear, but only because the woman had seen them exchange an innocent peck — she was his first kiss.

“Ya, Kim Yugyeom! Why you stopped calling me after you got famous, huh?” Sang-eun grinned, punching the boy's shoulder, making him freak out. She was still the same person. Yugyeom laughed, massaging the spot, unable to remove the surprised expression from his face. “Will you just stare at me or will you hug me?” he giggled. “What? Got too old to hug your noona?”

The boy laughed excitedly, embracing his _wife_ as he used to call her when everything in their universe was just a fairy tale and naive childlike imagination —Yugyeom said he would marry Sang-eun and his mother was always happy about it.

“I can't believe, you looked so handsome now!” she said stepping away from the boy, ruffling her neat hair with a mocking expression on her face. The way Sang-eun looked at Yugyeom was different from when they were kids, the actor could feel it because she would never have red cheeks around him when they were younger. “So pretty Gyeom-ah”.

Although the nostalgia feeling was greater than the awkwardness that they were suddenly flirting with each other as if it were a guessing game, they were having so much fun with the stories they had to tell, the news and the reasons they had to be apart and they didn't even realize that dinner was over for hours now.

And if it hadn't been for Sang-eun's younger niece, they probably would have continued the conversation until morning because they were really glad to meet after so many years — they followed the little girl into the living room, where Sang-eun’s mother, Yugyeom’s mother and Mrs. Gil was.

“Look at those smiles!” Kang smiled at mrs. Gil, who nodded and looked at his daughter suggestively, which suddenly ruined the boy's mood. “They look really good together, don’t you think?”

“Well, I'd like to stay a little longer and talk to you guys” Yugyeom tried to sound cautious, polite. He didn't want to piss his mother and end up creating a drama after so many hours in the sky with Sang-eun. The actor smiles docile. “But I have two extensive interviews tomorrow and need to go home now”.

“Any!” Mrs. Kang hurried to hold the boy in place, waving at Sang-eun's mother. “Just wait for a few more, we have something important to discuss with you, dear”.

Yugyeom bit his cheeks, gently pulling his mother's hand from him without taking the eyes off the amused expression on her face. Why did he suddenly feel an irritating nervousness in his stomach? As if he felt something was wrong-

“We want you to get married!” mrs. Gil undermined any attempt by Mrs. Kang to broach the subject until the last moment when his son was fed up and gave up fighting the idea. The old woman shrugged. “Sorry, I'd rather be straightforward!” she said ignoring a glance. “Listen to me well my boy… our families have known each other for years, I know you two haven't been seeing each other for a while, but it's clear you two still have the same special relationship-”

“I am not getting married”.

“Don't be afraid, boy!” mrs. Gil smiled, cut him off. “I know it's early because you just met again, so we can only say that you are getting to know each other from now on and that in the future you two could getting married.” she says to him. “But remember that your mother and I are getting old and we want grandchildren. In my case, more grandchildren of course!” the old woman laughed excitedly at the idea. “Your brother has just married a sweet girl and by order, you're next. Who better than my granddaughter to be your wife? You two are already friends!”

Kim Yugyeom raised his eyebrows in a ridiculous expression, almost as if he didn't know how to mock the whole situation without sounding more than rude or as if he was belittling mrs. Gil family. However, the laughter that echoed from his throat was so loud and harsh that it was enough to make Sang-eun's mother quack about her lack of education.

“Yugyeom-”

“This is so ridiculous that it sounds funny!” he cut off his mother rudely, shaking his head to stop her. “What's your damn problem with this ridiculous idea of getting me some fucking insurance policy?” Yugyeom asked too loudly. “Are you really that much afraid of what I told you last month omma? Too desperation to got me a fucking fiancé?”

“How absurd!” Gil whispered scared to the boy. They had never seen Yugyeom in his natural state without all the theater his mother forced him to do for others. “Bo-Young, you said he was in agreement with it, that he was just worried for as long as-”

“I am worried? Why would I be worried about someone I haven't thought of since I am ten years old?” he croaked. “Noona, I don't want to sound rude and don't want to hurt you, but I don't agree with this fucking idea! Not because we haven't seen each other for years and because there's no logic, but because I am pretty sure that I want to be with-”

“Are you out of your mind?” Bo-Young shouted interrupting him, gripping his arm tightly. Mrs. Kang locked his jaw in a hateful expression as if she wants to slap the boy in front of everyone. She turned to Mrs. Gil and the others in the room. Sang-eun had his head down and Yugyeom was sure she never wanted to see him again either. “I am sorry for the way he talked to you, I should have said that Yugyeom was a little sensitive this week. His older brother just got married and he's been mom's only little boy now… it must be scary to think of marriage now that he can call himself the only man in the house”.

Yugyeom laughed, rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth.

“If you guys want to know, I left home last month so don't fall for this boring story.” he countered licking his lips as he left a sarcastic smile on them, watching his mother flush with anger. He sighed deeply and walked away from the woman, straightening his suit. “Noona, I really hope we can meet after all this because I am really glad we met again after so many years” the actor pursed his lips. “But I’m not getting married to you”.

**\- iii –**

Jinyoung smiled, savoring the look on Yugyeom's face, who still be surprised that he found the sensation of having Jinyoung inside him new and exciting after they had done it twice now.

The older one moved his hip in circles, watching the boy lift his back and dig his nails into his shoulders with the intensity of being fully filled. The feeling of having Jinyoung inside him was so good that Yugyeom could see no mistake about their relationship as if they were meant to fit in despite all the countless consequences in their careers and personal lives.

The boy groaned in pain, closing his eyes.

“It still hurting?”

“A little...” Yugyeom whispered moving his face toward the other to give him a kiss. Jinyoung's lips always made him calmer, disconnected from the burning in his ass. “It will pass soon”.

Yugyeom tries to not care about the stinging, the discomfort within him continued to creep across his skin each time Jinyoung punched his insides, making him clench his jaw and bruise the older man's back with his nails. Suddenly, the actor felt his body being forced upward as Jinyoung grabbed him by the waist and turned him on the mattress, taking his position.

The boy stared at the man without understanding as he straightened, leaning his back against the wall and spreading his hands on the bedspreads.

“Fuck me”.

“What?”

Jinyoung laughed, gesturing about their position. Yugyeom was sitting just above the writer's knees, his legs around him and the man's cock a few inches from where his hand was resting on the beginning of his thigh. The boy opened and closed his mouth.

“If you fuck me… I mean take the lead okay?” Jinyoung rolled his eyes, moving to pull Yugyeom's hips higher, to his thighs. He bites the boy's chin. “You'll have more control and know when to move slower, faster... it will hurt less if you fuck me like that”.

A shiver made the boy squint at the idea. It wasn't Yugyeom who did the hard work, he just lay with his legs open waiting for Jinyoung to make him feel good, and he was ok with that. Taking control of the thing, especially in such an awkward position, didn't seem like something he could do at the moment.

“But-ah I'm still new at this?” he said as a question, but it was an induction for Jinyoung to give up and return to his previous position. The older bit his neck. “I wouldn't know what to do-ohh! It hurt!” the actor moaned feeling the man sucked right into his Adam's apple. “Hyung…”

“What?” Jinyoung asked holding the actor hip, positioning his dickhead on his entrance, rubbing and making him hold his breath as the man pressed him down until he received the writer's cock. “Feeling good that way? Are you ok? Comfortable?” Yugyeom denied it. “Then find a comfortable angle...” he said pulling his hands away from the boy who didn't move an inch. “Just move your hip and fuck me the way you want”.

“But it's embarrassing!” Yugyeom tried not to laugh at the desperation in his chest. “Can't we go back to the other position?”

It wasn’t a problem for Yugyeom to imagine taking control, he thought he would probably feel powerful taking the sex direction for himself, and whenever he thought about it, his stomach twisted with anxiety to hear the writer externalize his thoughts, it made him feel a little small.

Yugyeom had never been a shy person about the things he did or said, he didn't usually care about anything when it came to living his own life — at least after getting rid of his mother — but when it came to 'sleeping with another man’ he was inexperienced and that made him extremely embarrassed.

He didn't want to feel small around Jinyoung on a subject that he dominated so much with women, but he was aware that he might not have enough confidence to make sex as good as Jinyoung because he didn't even know where to put his hand without feeling he was stepping on eggs with the older man.

“You think too much, stop thinking!” Jinyoung muttered pulling Yugyeom by the neck, making him move over his cock and moan at the aching sensation inside him. The man distributed kisses to the corners of the boy's mouth, saying how amazing he was and how good it would feel if he did it his own way. “Aren't you the one who likes power? That like mastering things?” he whispered licking the boy's neck, hearing him whimper at the sensation. “Just dominate me!”

Yugyeom's lips parted, letting out a slurred, pleasurable moan because the sensation on his skin at Jinyoung's words — so arousing that for a moment the boy simply ignored his depressing thoughts about himself and reveled in the need to make the elder cry for his movements and get his orgasm under his commands.

The actor licked his lips before leaning in and kissing Jinyoung's soft lips, breathing roughly — his heartbeat was so fast he was afraid the other could hear it from that distance — before biting the corners of his mouth and moving his hips, straightening the man's cock inside.

The writer smiled tenderly, keeping his hands on the pillows as Yugyeom pursed his hips, moved slowly over his cock, making his ass muscles contract and tighten Jinyoung’s cock inside him moments before slowly rotating his hips up and down, unhurriedly and shyly.

Although Jinyoung suggested that this position would give Yugyeom more pleasure, the actor still couldn't shake the nuisance whenever he slid over the man's cock, which was exerting an annoying pressure in the wrong spot. However, he decided that he would continue to do what he was doing because he suspected he was to blame for his own discomfort — his nervousness was probably making things more painful for him but Jinyoung with his stare wasn’t make him either.

“Stop staring at me for fucks sake!” the younger whispered in a shaky voice, placing a hand on the boy's eyes. The man gripped Yugyeom's palm tightly, making him moan, and shoved the boy's shoulders back, causing him to put his hand on his knee. “Au-hyung!”

Yugyeom’s new position — with one hand on Jinyoung's knee, all the left side of his body tilted back, his ass more fitting into the older man's groin — bothered him even more and just for that he moved his other hand and grasped the writer's other knee without realizing that he was more wide open that way.

If Jinyoung hadn't seen all of him before, he was seeing now because Yugyeom's knees were wild open, his cock was rigid and slanted toward his abdomen and the older man could have a brief glimpse of the body parts that were connected to each other.

“How do you expect me to take my eyes off you when you’re all exposed like that to me?” Park Jinyoung's voice sounded like velvet in Kim Yugyeom's ears, making every bit of skin on his body goosebumps at the sensation of having the older man's hands on his ass, showing firmly how he should move. “Fuck me like that… uhm… damn you're so fucking beautiful Gyeom-ah. I fucking love it”.

Yugyeom's mind wavered with pleasure, he tilted his head back and reveled of Jinyoung's palm on his breastplate, pushing him discreetly against his own movements — the boy was so inert in the other's words that he might not realize that he had begun to move again, slowly.

He rolled his hips in a deep wave, taking a long time to come down on Jinyoung's cock, but coming to feel the full length of the older man inside him making his inner walls sting even desperately as he began to rock hard, faster and faster.

The moans that escaped Yugyeom's lips were so sweet, so tasty that it made Jinyoung's mind numb with pleasure and it was impossible for him to restrain himself — the writer grasped Yugyeom's thighs, putting the boy’s kneel together as he shoved his body over his dick, making him groan. When he felt Yugyeom’s inside squeezer him, finally had his prostate touched in the right way, he part his lips and smile.

“There you go...” Jinyoung gasped as Yugyeom's expression exploded in joy and his cheeks flushed, wanting to keep that moment in his memories for when he was frustrated and alone. The boy was charmingly sexy in his eyes. “Keep fucking me Gyeom-ah, like this… ah, like this! Fuck”.

The boy's hand went down Yugyeom's chest until it reached his cock, jerk him off, making pretty wet sounds when the boy began to cry out, desperate as he felt his whole body tremble with the sensation of pleasure to have his prostate fucked — Yugyeom felt amazing as he fucked Jinyoung's cock so hungry, making his skins clash and both moaning louder and louder.

“Ah shit.” the older one moaned feeling his own orgasm forming as he rubbed Yugyeom's cock between his fingers, making steady, steady circles. “So beautiful all handed over like that to me Gyeom-ah... you get so sexy when you fuck my cock like that, uhm!” Jinyoung whispered breathlessly, using the younger leak to make him even wetter. “Please fuck me harder, harder _baby_ ”.

Those words were enough to make Kim Yugyeom's already numb mind give up fighting over his nervous and shame, all he could think about was making Jinyoung keep begging for him like that with a tearful voice and swollen lips as he fucked his dick, feeling shocks coursing through his veins and make him breathless.

With a few more firm and forcefully pushed down, Yugyeom shifted on Jinyoung's lap feeling hollow as he fumbled to remove the writer's condom, who widened his eyes, surprised and perhaps scared as he felt the actor warm inside swallow his dick.

Park Jinyoung's jaw almost hit the ground and he squeezed his eyes hard because the sensation was simply overwhelming and he didn't know whether to yell at the madness Yugyeom had just done or to burst into tears for finally feeling the boy that way, without any restrictions.

Yugyeom gripped Jinyoung's neck tightly — perhaps not expecting such a violent sensation of overload to travel through his body when he fell him without a condom — and kissed him so hard that his lips hurt. Their breaths grew rougher and deeper, hurting their throats as they moaned in despair.

The older grabbed the boy's thighs, pushing his whole body down as he buried himself in his cock, biting his lips as he moved Yugyeom's hips back and forth, throbbed violently until it burned and pleasured both of them unimaginably.

The actor's arms closed tightly around the writer's neck as his orgasm hit him, causing him to twitch as his prostate struck one last time and cry — for real this time — with the desperation of that sensation that was now the best thing he'd ever felt in his entire existence.

Yugyeom hid his face in the crook of Jinyoung's neck as the older man turned him over the bed, thrusting a few more times, kissing him where he found skin and whispering in his ear how soft and warm inside he was, how much he loved the boy’s body and wanted to be the only to mark his insides that way.

He came inside Yugyeom, listening to the boy gasp and hold his breath against his sweaty skin before relaxing all his muscles and slowly letting go off Jinyoung — who unlike him did not move even an inch by simply loving Yugyeom's smell and temperature skin when they had sex.

“Gyeom-ah, can you-”

“I don't know if I induce my vomit now or after you clean your semen from this boy.” they heard a cold voice, enveloped in a disgusted tone sound from some corner of the room. The lights that were off turned on, making the room even brighter, making both men squint. “Stupid of me to think that I was the only fucked up to this relationship, Jinyoungie”.

The writer felt his heart skip a beat before he could go back to reasoning and pull the covers into their bodies, covering Yugyeom's nudity before he got up from the bed and grabbed his sweatshirt that was tossed around the room — Heejin had a belly of probably six or seven months now. She was even more beautiful in Jinyoung’s eyes like that.

“Noona-”

The woman raised her hand to silence her _fiancé_ , tilting her neck to the side. When her eyes recognized the boy in the bed that she used to share with Jinyoung, she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

Heejin had decided to spend time with her mother to occupy her mind because Jinyoung was making things difficult now that she was pregnant — he wanted a paternity test — and as a doctor, she knew she should care for her own well-being, so she leaves him.

Heejin thought that giving some space to him to think would bring clarity to everything that had happened and that in the end, they would get it right, that Jinyoung would realize that leaving the woman meant leaving the family that he had always wanted for a thing that there had been meant nothing to her. However, Heejin could never dream of it, Jinyoung fuck another person. _That fucking boy._

“Kim Yugyeom?” she asked directly to Jinyoung, incredulous and feeling a disgusting sensation bubbling in her stomach. “What's your problem, Jinyoung? Of all the people... Kim Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom did not understand why the woman had said his name so disgusted, he knew that Heejin has a conscience that her ex had slept with other men before, so it made no sense that her disgust had to do with the actor's gender. He dressed under the comforters in a hurry, still feeling wet and his skin sticking with sweat.

“Heejin-”

“I can't believe that inside all the people you decided to cheat on me with this human trash after everything he put you through, Park Jinyoung!” the woman shouted approaching her fiancé, slapping him on the face. What bothered Yugyeom most, however, was that she referred to him as 'human trash'. Heejin wasn't the best person, yet he was judging everyone. “Why? Couldn't you fuck another ass? You really need to humiliate me like that?”

“Fuck you. This is not about you.” Jinyoung whispered massaging his cheek, casting a serious look at the woman. “And if you don't remember, you were the one who started the humiliation tour, not me”.

Heejin laughed sarcastically, ready to slap the man's face again, who grasped her fist and pulled her close as he looked at Yugyeom with an embarrassed smile on his reddened face.

“Gyeom-ah” the man cleared his throat, ignoring Heejin's harsh words and her violent slogans. “I need you to leave now”.

Yugyeom licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair, nodding as he went to where his shirt was. He finished dressing with his eyes fixed on the sarcastic expression on Heejin's face — the actor thought she had given up on fooling Jinyoung, who had finally teamed up with her baby's father and left the man alone. He was apparently wrong.

“Why does he have to go? Huh?” Heejin kicked, breaking free of the man’s grip. She approached Yugyeom quickly, having Jinyoung right behind her whispering in her ear for her to calm down and talk to him alone. “Maybe because you don't want him to know the things you said about him? Huh? Is this Jinyoung? You don't want your new pet to know that this is all a g-”

“Shut the fuck up, Heejin!” Jinyoung shouted impatiently, pulling away from the woman before he actually lost her mind and made a fucking mistake. He rubbed his face. “Go home Yugyeom, please”.

“Any!” Heejin shouted, holding the actor by the arm. The boy gritted his teeth, ready to push the woman away from him when he realized he could not be a brute because she was pregnant. “I want him to stay and listen to the news I have to tell”.

“Heejin-ah...”

“I swear I won't spoil your 7 minutes in heaven.” Do Heejin rolled his eyes before smiling at Yugyeom suggestively, almost as if she knew something funny. She tucked her hair behind the ear and reached for the bag she had put on the dresser. “Here. Open it”.

Kim Yugyeom's brown eyes stared at the envelope and then went straight to Jinyoung's face because the actor didn't want to get more involved between them. He sighed deeply as he had no reaction from the elder about what he should do and took the envelope, opening it.

The smile on Do Heejin's face grew slowly as Yugyeom finished reading and became pale as if he were getting sick. He had just had sex with someone who hadn’t even been born father — just as his mother had slept with a married man and destroyed the lives of two children because she was too bored with her own marriage.

“Seems like such a lost cause don’t you think? You and my Jinyoungie… it’s a lost cause sweetheart.” the woman bit her lips with a happy expression. She turns to Jinyoung. “You'll be pleased to hear that your mother was more than happy to help me take the kinship test”.

“My mother what?”

Heejin laughed in amusement, hiding her own smile with her hands.

“Going to see her was definitely the best thing I could have done in my entire life, Jinyoung”.

Kim Yugyeom licked his lips, feeling uncomfortable with the sensation that was slowly forming in every cell of his body as he remembered how the youngest daughter of the man his mother had an affair with had cried in front of the Kim house when she finds everything out. He smiles to himself, feeling like an idiot for sleep with Jinyoung.

“Congratulations Jinyoung-ssi” the actor said handing what was inside the envelope to the writer, who took the paper from his hand and widened his eyes as he read the biggest nonsense in the world. The older man's jaw dropped in a puzzled expression. “You’re going to be a father soon”.


	22. I finally got you out my head?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyung...!” Yugyeom filled his glasses. “Why don't we toast to the world and take it to the fresh starts that we made for ourselves?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! I'm so glad that I'm 'back' hahahahah  
> Do you guys believe that I lost one f*** chapter when I moved to my new city?????  
> :(((
> 
> HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY IT!

**\- i -**

The news about Ph.D. Do Heejin's baby paternity had become one of the most talked topics during the first few weeks when the writer's publisher made an official statement — much of the facts had been changed, such as Heejin’s cheated on and Jinyoung broke up with her — informing his fans, they would have twins soon.d

The writer's fans had held public celebrations to commemorate the news, just as they had held a vigil in front of the hospital when the birth of the babies went public a month and a half after Jinyoung's manager said that they're together and happy to start a new family.

Three weeks and a few days after Park Jinyoung's twins birth — he has a girl he named Ra-won and a boy named Si-an, both very similar to him in Yugyeom’s eyes —, Bloodsport movie was released in Korea and eventually worldwide, leaving the writer at the top of the search charts for weeks.

The film's awards and nominations were definitely one of the biggest points for the entire cast, which was currently being tipped for other adaptations, projects, and dramas for their impeccable work on the biggest movie of the year — Jaebeom and Yugyeom were being hailed by the audience as actors of the year. They had been nominated for best fiction couple, best kiss and were competing with foreign characters in the best fiction couple category for their roles in the Bloodsport.

Things were chaotic for everyone, no one have enough time to think about anything other than the movie, the awards, events, and obligations they had as they were related to the film so Kim Yugyeom's head had no space for anything else — and if he has, he wouldn’t allow himself to think of anything other than his work.

Yugyeom had the longest, most tiring conversation of his life with his father when he discovered that Jinyoung was really Do Heejin's baby’s father because he needed to see the point of view of someone who had seen his children suffer to be sure that he was doing the right thing by getting away from the writer.

In the end, the actor and the writer had become more and more distant from each other — perhaps because whenever they tried to get closer they would kiss each other even though they knew they shouldn't, that keeping up that madness wouldn't do any good to anyone. So it was natural how they distancing themselves, how conversations were becoming more professional and restricted, how Yugyeom came to realize that he had become too used to Jinyoung’s presence because the distance between them had been created a sad sense of lack in the boy.

 _Lost_. Perhaps it was the best word to define the actor's mood whenever he was close to Jinyoung and wasn’t given himself the right to look to him as being more than his screenwriter, as someone who despite offering a new world to the younger was too far away for him to feel more than respect and admiration for his work.

It was Yujin who deciphered that feeling for Yugyeom by saying that his brother had more feelings for the writer than he had realized, that he had begun to be fond of Jinyoung not because they were sexually together, but because the writer probably had something in himself that made the actor's heart speed up with a simple smile.

Yujin’s words just made Yugyeom realized that knowing about this feeling for Jinyoung had only made things sadder.

Yugyeom finally risked looking at the older man as fans and MC clapped to welcome Jungkook and Joy, who had just arrived from another conference event.

Jinyoung was smiling, clapping his hands too, but his eyes weren't really focused on the actors who had just been introduced, it seemed like he wasn't paying attention to what was happening on the panel. He looked lost and in the shadows as if something were bothering him.

Yugyeom got scared when he felt someone touch his arm before realizing that Jaebeom was pulling him closer — he gave a tired smile and joined the others as the MC began talking to the audience and the actors, saying that they were playing some games that the production had prepared and answered some questions from the fans.

“Uh. This question is for our dear screenwriter” the MC said, drawing everyone's attention, including Yugyeom's. “We know the whole cast is very close to each other, you guys are hanging out together and posting photos on social media… but of everyone, who are you most closest to?”

Everyone shouted Jackson's name because they were friends the longest, Jaebeom did the same and Yugyeom forced his facial muscles to let him smile. Jinyoung nodded but replied:

“Yugyeom.” some people laughed and others sounded surprised, but the actor could see in Jinyoung's unhappy eyes that he was serious after all. “I know you guys want to hear me say Jackson, but Yugyeom-ah and I have just gotten closer thanks to the movie.” Jinyoung explained crossing his arms. “I have a very close friendship with everyone in the cast and the production of the movie, but if I stop to think about who I never thought could be my friend… then it's him. We get too close”.

Yugyeom forced a giggle as the audience fell in love with the writer's response and nodded to the MC, who wanted to know if he agreed with that — the only difference was that in his mind they _had_ been close but not anymore. Now they just worked together.

“So can we expect much more from you two after the promotions are over?” the host asked, receiving a cautious nod from Jinyoung in response. “Whoa, this is great. I think the fans will die for it!”

Yugyeom smiled again, a smile that didn't reach his eyes because there was no point in being glad of that statement when they knew it wasn't true. He no longer wanted to be close to Jinyoung now that he understood that he had begun to develop romantic feelings for the older man, he just wanted to move on and find someone else to like.

**\- c -**

“ _Yugyeom?”_ the boy heard as soon as he entered the house. He rubbed his temples, tossing the backpack on the couch, and sat down with a long sigh. “Oh it’s really you. Why are you here?”

“The conference is over and I wasn't feeling like hanging out with the guys to celebrate.” he replied with a yawn, putting his feet on the table in front of the couch. “What time did you arrive? I thought you were going to sleep on mama today”.

“Oh no way.” Yuri, Yugyeom's younger sister, said in a bored tone. The girl had just turned eighteen and had decided it was time to make some decisions for her own life. It had not been easy to deal with Kang Bo-Young’s temper when she decided to quit sports and started music in her senior year but since then she living with Yugyeom because she had to reside at an address near to the school to be considered in the residential spot. “I came to see how she was doing but mom started to talk shit about how stupid I am to drop sports in my senior year and how disappointing I was to her _bla bla bla_...”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes.

Now that Yuri had a clue how hard it was to be him, things for Mrs. Kang were troubled. The children had decided to make their mother's life difficult — or it’s as she saw it — by slowly moving away from her domain. Yujin had decided to accept his father-in-law's apartment as a wedding gift and was living far from the city, Yugyeom had his own apartment in the center and Yuri was living with him. Kang Bo-Young was living alone.

She still insisted that her children visit her, even when all she had to say to them was harsh and offensive words, and she still had control over some of their actions — especially Yugyeom’s, who had tried hard to find the files the woman hidden when he sent Sehun to destroy them.

“By the way, since you touched her name” Yuri said raising her hands, showing that she needed a moment. She ran to her room and fumbled with her backpack, returning to the living room with a document in her hands. “Mom asked me to give you this job offer”.

Yugyeom smiled sarcastically, taking the papers.

“When will she stop trying to mess with my career? Isn't that enough force me to go on dates every week?” he croaked deeply, opening the envelope. “She is so noisy… fuck. She said from where it was?”

“From a foreign director.” Yuri shrugged. “Mom said she showed it to your company and that they liked the proposal, that Sehun _oppa_ also took a look and thinks you should accept it too”.

“Sehun said I should accept it?” Yugyeom asked in disbelief, because his manager knew he refused to accept anything that had his mother's finger, even if it was a good thing. “Why would he say something like that to me? He knew I won't accept-”

“Maybe you should!” Yuri interrupted her brother in a serious, cautious tone. He stared at her without understanding, because the girl had never gotten into her brother's career with guesses and opinions, and she was definitely in the ‘I am against mom’ club. “Yujin blurted out about what you two talk... about you developing feelings for that man”.

Kim Yugyeom's face withered.

He couldn't believe that Yujin kept spreading his secrets like that without first knowing if Yugyeom wanted Yuri to know about his feelings.

“Yujin hyung should start to be more careful about someone’s secrets. He can't keep his mouth shut!” Yugyeom whispered the last part, leaving the papers aside. “What happened between Jinyoung and me has nothing to do with my career, I can't accept a proposal that mom got just because I had feelings for him”.

“I know things don't seem to make a connection” the girl sat next to her brother. “But Sehun explained to me you have only two months before DORYA studio contract ends, if you sign a new project they need to reduce your participation, which means you’ll only have to attend the events that are contract obligations...” Yuri gestured trying to show she points. If Yugyeom started with another project, he could be released from the contract that bound him to Jinyoung. “We check your schedule, from the contract you only have four contract events and the others are additional events”.

Yugyeom was not the kind of actor who created a reason to put an end in contract with some drama or movie, he always came to the last day even when he did not like the role he was playing and always did his best to please everyone. However, it was starting to get hard to be around Jinyoung because he could not get the fact that he do his mother's same mistake out of his head.

For Yugyeom to have slept with Jinyoung, who had a fiancée and now two children, it was the same as getting to his mother's level when she destroyed her marriage and ended up hurting someone else's family. He hated being like his mother, even though he had gotten into this situation thinking that Heejin was pregnant from someone else and that she would never return to Jinyoung's life.

“I know what it's like to be around someone we want to forget, the feeling is terrible and I am tired of seeing you always in this position of never being able to really get rid of what hurts you!” Yuri says with a heavy sigh. “You already have mom and her shits, you don't have to put up with this just because of a contract Gyeom-ah”.

He bit his cheeks.

It would be a real relief to be able to spend less time with Jinyoung, to stop acting as if he could get close to Heejin whenever the woman showed up at her fiancé awards — and said horrible things to Yugyeom. It would be great to be able to breathe without anyone questioning him about his dismay whenever everyone was together.

He loved what he had been able to do with that movie, felt as if he had been reborn by all he had learned and all the new people he had added to his life. He enjoyed his friendship with Bambam, Youngjae, Jackson, and Mark. He enjoyed having Jungkook and Joy by his side whenever possible and surely loved how much he had evolved with Jaebeom and how well they are now.

But he was still tired of trying so hard not to be the kind of person who makes the mistakes he says he hates, who steps into someone’s family and creates chaos. He was not like his mother, did not want a spotlight on himself for sleeping with a father and for destroying the life of a woman with children. He was nothing like his mother.

“Can you get my phone?” Yugyeom asked her sister, picking up the documents again. “I need to make an appointment with Sehun to discuss the possibility of a new movie or drama... anything, even with mom”.

**\- ii -**

Actor Kim Yugyeom had been in the news in every newspaper when his company announced that he would be returning to the screens in his new film, which was going to be released by an American company and had no release date in Korea.

A month after confirming his character in MOVE film, Yugyeom was released from his additional commitments to Bloodsport movie, participating in only a few occasions that were mandatory until the end of the studio contract.

Since then Yugyeom had been living in a sunny apartment in New York with Sehun, and going to Korea only when needed, just to end his contract mandatory events.

“Again!” the dance teacher yelled at Yugyeom, who licked his lips with a salty taste of sweat and breathed deeply, placing his hands on his hips as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. “I can't see the emotion in your eyes mr. Kim”.

The proposal that Yugyeom's mother had put forward was interesting. It was about a boy named Yang Da-eul who gave up the comfort and safety of his home when he got a place at Juilliard School for the dance program and finds that he's dying from a rare disease called Botulism* — it was a story about challenges, prejudices, devotion, willpower, life and death that had caught Yugyeom's attention.

“I thought you had done ballet for years!” the teacher scoffed, crossing his arms, receiving a sly look from the boy. Yugyeom was taking a contemporary ballet class for a month and all he heard from the teacher was how much he was failing. His solo choreography was too complicated, too tiring, and his mind had been working the wrong way since he reading about Park Jinyoung car accident. “Why aren't you show me that in your fucking choreography?”

The actor swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck, shaking his head as he tried to get rid of his thoughts before ruined another practice and had to get to the dance studio early the next morning. They had already started recording, but Yugyeom needed constant training because he was always forgetting the choreography and screwing up the recordings because of it — his co-star was having trouble working with him for the same reason, so he had to improve.

“This movement needs to be cleaner!” the man shouted and Yugyeom repeated the movement twice before he could move steadily to the next, breathing steadily as he turned and hit his tiptoed into the air, feeling his knee ache. “What it is that fucking ugly knee movement?”

He braced himself to do the demi-plié again, flexing his knees as much as he could, letting them line up with his feet before taking an open heel and trying the next step, spinning over his foot as he slipped and shifted. He would mark the number of each step on his head because he had suddenly thought back to the news he had read that morning before leaving for his class.

“Yeah! There you go.” the man applauded as he watched the boy's movements grow stronger and more intense as he shaped his body to the music and focused on what he should be doing at that moment. A spin later, where Yugyeom finished the choreography with his back to his own reflection, his hands on his face, and his breathing highest in the classroom, the dance teacher concluded his solo with the first compliment of the week. “Congratulations Yugyeom. The emotion you used at the end of the sequence was magnificent, do it in tomorrow's shoot and they will probably love you even more”.

The boy nodded with a gasping breath, accepting the towel Sehun had with an apprehensive expression on his face as Yugyeom talked to the teacher and prepared things to return home — as soon as he got in the car, he handed the tablet he was staring at and bit his thumbnail.

“How could he drive drunk?” he asked himself, reading the story that had been published by a news site. Yugyeom had asked Sehun to keep monitoring Jinyoung's case because the situation seemed serious and, despite not wanting to admit it, he was worried about him. “He could kill someone! What the fuck is wrong with him?”

“They'll sue him for traffic negligence.” Sehun shared what he had found through Jackson, who had called to let Yugyeom know he needs to change his schedule because they need to do something about Jinyoung’s case. “The hearing will happen in three weeks and Jinyoung may have to pay for the public damage”.

Kim Yugyeom nipped his lip, swiping the screen to see some of the crash photos. Park Jinyoung had been involved in a car accident while returning home from an event, the sites said no one but he got hurt but the man had destroyed an important monument and broken his leg.

The actor could not understand how Jinyoung, the most politically correct and boring person in the world, had driven drunk and had been involved in a car accident. He didn't look like the person he had fought so often for making mistakes and undermining other people's safety.

“Send a fruit basket and flowers to the hospital” Yugyeom ordered, frustrated by the situation before returning the device to Sehun, who nodded and scheduled a request for the following morning. The actor took his phone to check his messages. He was annoyed about it but at least Jinyoung’s was fine. He can forget about the man now. “Don't put my name in it, please. Let them think this is from you, hyung”.

Sehun turned to look at Yugyeom's profile. The manager didn't know why Jinyoung and Yugyeom didn't talk to each other anymore because the boy seemed to care about the older guy, he thought some gossip was correct and that the writer had done something really cruel to his boss so he stops to talk about him and shit like that.

The only thing Sehun knew was that his boss seemed really quiet now that knew about Jinyoung's condition as if someone had eased a weight off his back and now he could continue touching his life without feeling guilty about something. Sehun just didn't understand why Yugyeom could feel guilty when he was not even living in Korea to have anything to do with the accident.

“And call my agency, I want to know if they have already decided whether to transfer my contract to Los Angeles as soon as possible”.

**\- iii -**

They had completed 40% of the filming of the movie. Unlike how Jackson Wang works or how other directors worked, the director of MOVE film was in a hurry and was able to get what he wanted out of his actors in light and Yugyeom called him a genius and admired him for being able to get everyone into the character so deeply and so seriously that way.

In the meantime, Yugyeom's contract with Bloodsport movie and DORYA studio had ended. He had attended both mandatory events when Jinyoung's case was finish and the man publicly apologized for his mistake and the subject was becoming less flashy to everyone.

And Yugyeom also decided to move his contract to another agency in United States and he was struggling with his lawyers to break some clauses that could harm him since the agency representing him in Korea did not want to make a sharing contract — they wanted Yugyeom to go back to his national jobs as soon as possible.

“Your recording schedule comes back on Tuesday, you are in scene 134 of the fourth block and you need to replay some lines before filming, they left you an empty room.” Sehun fussed around following Yugyeom through the gym. “Your lawyer called, they think your mother will collaborate with the agency instead of helping us and that it is wiser to pay the terms as they are asking”.

“I'm not going to pay them a fortune to choose what to do with my own career!” Yugyeom croaked, increasing the speed of his punches in the sandbag. “If they think they can activate the protective measure to hold me, they are wrong.” he said hearing Sehun agree. “Say that we're not going back and I want to do a negligent break against them”.

“Negligence?”

“How many times have I hurt myself over their protection and they don’t do anything about it?” Yugyeom laughed sarcastically. “I know it was my mother who made me work every time I got hurt or sick, but as my representatives, they had the power to cherish my health and well-being and it wasn't-”

“Claiming negligence won't work unless you're willing to attach your mother to the lawsuit as cause and effect!” Sehun interrupted him, using the plausible side of his conscience. He adored Yugyeom and was willing to change companies for the boy, but couldn't allow him to do such a crazy move. “And even if you attach her, you can just get annoying them to the point where things get more complicated”.

The punch in the sandbag made an annoying noise to everyone around him, and the boy took it as a warning for his explosive temper. Yugyeom held the sandbag and breathed in and out, the way Yujin had taught him when he was feeling on edge and thought he might lose control — something that happened less now that he was away from his mother and everything else.

One day the actor was reading in a coffee shop when he realized that things in New York were exactly the way he wanted his life to be, calm and light. Yugyeom could move without being disturbed or feeling that his privacy was not respected, he didn't have to worry about his mother put him on blind dates or showing up at his apartment.

In some days he could just put on a cap and go anywhere he wants to go at night without fear of being photographed and end up in some scandalous newspaper for acting like a normal human being in his free time. He still got a lot of fan attention, still ends up in the news and some banal gossip sites, but it was something he could handle well now.

The boy sat in the back seat of the car with Sehun, listening to the manager chatter about the possible changes that would make them accept the contract sharing with the agency that Yugyeom wanted to be his new representative, while the boy finished drying his face and read his messages. He smiled ignoring the eldest.

Another thing that Yugyeom had done without fear of being get caught was meeting people. He had been living in New York for months and had some amazing dates without anyone making him a tabloid target. Maybe because he could easily use a fake name on every date or because the bars and clubs he used to go to were frequented by people who weren't so interested in his work, but he was having fun and wanted life to stay as simple as it was being.

 **Max:** is our meeting still up?  
because I am doing our dinner  
 **|6:45 pm:** I want to make sure  
that you will not cancel... again

 **to:** max  
I already apologized for that time!

 **Max:** true but it still doesn't make sense to me  
who cancels a date just because it's raining?

Yugyeom laughed rolling his eyes. He might have trouble with his original agency, but still, he felt safe enough to flirt and have dates. He would meet Max that night and would probably go out with Sara if the woman agreed to see him after he canceled twice because he had to record and couldn't make an excuse for her.

 **to:** max  
okay!! I already understand that  
I need to compensate you

 **Max:** so is this a confirmation? **  
**can I cheer up to see you?

 **to:** max  
please get very excited!!!

“Your director sent me a new schedule. Things are early so you should finish recording in two or three months at most, but probably before that.” Sehun breathed tiredly, turning on lights as he gets in before Yugyeom. “I've already arranged with the hairdresser to do your hair and made an appointment with your therapist as I was asked for.” the manager sat sloppily on the couch, eager to finish his boss's appointments list and have some rest. “And your lawyer answered, they agree that negligence is not the best option for you to break the contract with them”.

Yugyeom rolled his eyes, opening the other chats before hearing Sehun shout about his other appointments that week. The actor took off his shirt and opened his wardrobe, laughing at the message he had received from Saya — something else that had changed. Yugyeom and Saya. They still didn't know each other's faces but that didn't seem to change the fact that they were getting closer and closer.

 **to:** saya  
do you really want me to believe that  
is this your butt? This is a Tumblr picture!

 **Saya:** Ya! I don't admit to calling my ass  
fake, she's the only thing I'm proud of!!!

The boy laughed, looking for a comfortable outfit for his date that night, still typing an answer for his virtual friend.

 **to:** saya  
it's not my fault if this ass  
looks fake hyung

 **Saya:** AH I DON'T BELIEVE YOU  
WILL CONTINUE SAYING SHE IS FAKE!

 **Saya:  
** [Photo]

The actor's eyebrows raise in surprise because he would never expect to see his name written on anyone's ass. Not exactly his name, but the fake Instagram ID he used to talk to the boy without anyone finding out his real identity. The boy had writer ‘a real ass to @_dandelion’.

 **Saya  
** believe that it was my ass now?

 **to:** saya  
the most beautiful and real ass I've ever seen :))

He didn't know where he'd gotten all that balls to flirt and hang out with other people since coming to New York and when he became so desperate for sex to be in the mood to jerk himself just because of such a silly photo.

The phone notified another message.

Saya  
[Photo]

 **Saya:** what about my dick... what do you think?

Yugyeom thought he might enjoy imagining himself sitting on that cock shamelessly, moaning in the ear of a stranger who bore his name from an anime character and go crazy for that.

He thought he would need to use the phone inside the bathroom.

**\- c -**

Yugyeom's head ached as his mind was brutally awakened by Sehun's voice on the other side of the door, who was impatiently asking him to get up because they had an important appointment and that the actor needed to start his schedule.

He stretched on the bed and yawned, opening one eye at a time as he looked at the clock next to the bed. Yugyeom had come home late the last night, had drunk too much wine, and was exhausted as if he had not slept for two nights or more, but had to get up at 7:20 AM because he had two cast meetings before the shootings.

After another knock on the door, he lazily got up, peed, showered, and dressed before Sehun came in and kick him out of the room. Breakfast was packed in a fruit tray and he sprawled in the backseat, he take the best nap he could have that day before they reached the studio.

After the meeting, talking to the director about the changes and recording all the scenes that had been scheduled for him, Yugyeom arrived on his social networks, posted a photo on his official Instagram, saw Twitter, and requested a coffee for the trip while waiting for Sehun and reading Saya's messages.

A smile was almost foaming at the corner of his lips when he heard someone call his name, someone he had not seen in months.

Yugyeom's brown eyes widened, his jaw dropped and he laughed, opening his arms towards the boy, who smiled back and hugged him tightly, hearing the boy ask what he was doing in New York and how he had found him.

“It's really easy to find someone when he's famous and was recording in a fancy studio in town!” Noa Nakagata smiled holding Kim Yugyeom's cheeks. He was really happy to see his friend. “You can't imagine how much I missed this pretty little face of you Gyeom-ah”.

**— ■ —**

Yugyeom laughed wiping the corners of his eyes, hearing Noa and Sehun shouting that he had beaten them again, in the game they had said was the best one. They were playing videogame — something they started doing three weekends ago — and they were really happy.

The actor could thank Noa’s boss, who had gotten a contract to open a coffee shop in New York and had to send his best employee and manager to see the building they were trying to buy there.

The boy had been in New York for two weeks but hadn’t had enough time to visit or inform Yugyeom about that, but had done all his work to get some time with his friend before he had to go back to Korea — that would be his last week there, but had not yet said anything to the younger.

“Okay, okay!” Sehun sang getting up. “I admit my defeat and retire because I have a date today and I can't waste my precious time on these kids’ games anymore!”

“Kid game that you lost...” Yugyeom sneered, receiving an ugly look from the manager. “I hope this girl you're dating knows how much you are a crying baby when you lose hyung”.

“Shut the fuck up boy!” Sehun rolled his eyes, showing his middle finger to Yugyeom before warning. “Please don't do anything crazy while I am gone, last week I needed to have an annoying conversation with the building manager because of your noise.” the manager sighed. “Behave well you two… please”.

They were really enjoying every moment they could get together on the weekend because it was the longest time Yugyeom could stay at home without having to attend an event or recording, so they were having as much fun as possible while they could.

After being left by Sehun, they went back to laughing and shouting, because they were like two kids who haven't seen each other in years and who were euphoric that they could do something together. A few hours later Sehun said goodbye, Yugyeom called a restaurant he knew because Noa wanted to eat pizza and drink.

They were in the second bottle of soju when Yugyeom felt his phone and with wet fingers of drink, unlocked the screen and read Saya's message with muffled giggles.

“Something from a girl?” Noa asked curiously, opening another bottle. They both had a poor tolerance for alcohol, but as they were at home security, they had decided to overdo it a bit. “You didn't say anything to me when I asked if there was anyone in your life now”.

“It's because I don't have anyone!” Yugyeom rolled his eyes, pushing the home button to lock the screen again. He could answer Saya when he was sober and alone. “It's just a friend”.

“Oh really? So I’m jealous of this friend.” the Japanese said with a sigh, filling his own glass and receiving a confused look from the actor, who narrows his eyes. “He made you smile so light”.

The actor's expression changed a little because what Noa said reminded him of something that had long bothered him, which had made the actor uncomfortable. It was something Park Jinyoung had told him when he was saying goodbye to everyone for having to go to New York, something that made him feel like it was unfair to be happy.

At the time, Yugyeom wanted to punch Jinyoung for being so negative just because he was moving on, but now it didn't seem to matter anymore, as if anything that had stuck with him about what had happened between him and Jinyoung had disappeared.

_I finally got you out my head?_

Yugyeom grinned from ear to ear, biting his lips as he realized he no longer cared about the sense of guilt he had felt when Do Heejin showed the kinship test that proved Park Jinyoung was her baby’s father or because of how things had been closed by both of them.

He had gotten over it.

“Hyung...!” Yugyeom filled his glasses. “Why don't we toast to the world and take it to the fresh starts that we made for ourselves?”

***botulism:** is a serious, non-contagious neuro paralytic disease caused by a potent toxin produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum. It is a rare disease and that can kill the person from respiratory muscle paralysis.


	23. i wonder what's on your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Park Jinyoung was in his mind, asleep for months as if he were a prisoner within Kim Yugyeom's own feelings. It was what was on the youngest mind at that moment, Jinyoung. Park fucking Jinyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first thing I have to say is: I HOPE YOU, YOUR FAMILIES AND THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE ARE WELL AND HAVE BEGINNER THE YEAR!
> 
> The second thing is: I AM SO HAPPY THAT GOT7 FINALLY GOT JYP. I know that the paths are uncertain and that there is still a long way to go, but it pleases and warms my heart to know that they are now free to choose where to walk. I am happy for the boys and I hope that success goes hand in hand with each of the seven.
> 
> Third and last: I hope you are enjoying it!

**\- i -**

Kim Yugyeom woke up next to Noa Nakagata again as if sharing a bed with him was the most natural thing that could ever exist in the world because it was how it all seemed to the actor... too natural.

Yugyeom had never understood why Noa had developed feelings for him, never understood why the man had to cross their friendship boundary... not until he had taken the initiative himself to kiss Noa and ask him to stay in New York for a while longer.

He only realized the familiarity of being with someone who was primarily his friend when he slept with Noa for the first time, after overdoing it and ripping each other's clothes off without worrying about Sehun in his room, without worrying about nothing that did not involve both of them and of their bodies in a bed.

Its been two weeks now and since then Yugyeom felt like he was always nostalgic with a familiar feeling of being at home, finding calm in someone's eyes and getting drunk on it — he felt he had spent too much time ignoring Noa’s feelings for not do something about the feeling he had before kiss the man and slept with him.

Noa breathed slowly, open his eyes. Yugyeom laid his chin on his hands and smiled, watching him wake up to the world and smile back with his narrowed eyes.

“Good morning sunshine!” the actor giggle lazily, allowing himself to brush a strand of Noa's long hair over his face, preventing him from having a clearer view of his pretty face. “Did you sleep well?”

“Like a baby.” Noa licked his lips, closing his eyes and moving into Yugyeom's arms. He had dreamed of this moment for so long since he had realized his feelings for Yugyeom and now that he could sleep with the boy, he felt like the luckiest person in the whole universe. “Uh, I am not used to the fact that we can do this now”.

“Sleep together?”

“ _Any_. Act like a couple.” the Japanese smiled with his eyes closed, placing a kiss on Yugyeom's shoulder. “I know we're not a couple but I love how we wake up together and go to sleep together, and shower together and-”

“Okay. I get it!” Yugyeom laughed putting his hand over the boy's mouth, making him laugh against his hot palm. He bit his lip, thinking about what he had talked to Sehun a few days ago. Yugyeom was a hundred percent sure that his employee had no idea about his sexual preferences, let alone that he and Noa were having an affair because they did everything discreetly, but Yugyeom needs his approval to let Noa stay with them a little longer. “Hyung-”

The actor's phone rang making him laugh through his nose and let go of the Japanese, who cried slyly about being left alone at that time on a Saturday. Yugyeom had just received a call from Saya on Kakao.

He frowned and scratched his head, trying to call his virtual friend back — this was the first time Saya had called. Yugyeom sat down and opened his fake Instagram, sending a message to know if everything was fine.

“Anyone important?”

“Just a friend.” Yugyeom answers scratching his elbow, staring at the screen hoping to receive an answer soon. He bit his lip and sent another message because if Saya had called he probably had something important to say. “Ah, I'll make a call, okay? Sehun hyung should be back only in the afternoon, see what you want to do today and tell me when I get back”.

Noa nodded with a stunned expression, not understanding why Yugyeom sounded and seemed so distracted with his eyes fixed on the screen of his phone. The actor grinned unwillingly and locked himself in the bathroom.

The call ends on the fifth ring, making him huff.

He didn't have Saya's number, just his Kakao Talk ID.

“Ah. Hi. I know it may sound weird, but did you call me, or was it accidentally?” the boy asked looking at himself in the mirror, pressing his fingers into his hair. He took a deep breath. “Did something happen with you? You disappeared for five days and now you call me… are you in trouble and need me?” Yugyeom looked down, shaking his head. “I'll wait for your call... or answer me on Instagram?”

He hung up without saying goodbye, filling his cheeks with air.

Saya was missing for five days. They never spent a day without saying hi or something funny to each other, but the man had disappeared without saying the reason and suddenly called Yugyeom... the actor bit his thumbnail, worried.

The clock on the phone mark 10:40 AM, which meant that in Korea, it was night — maybe Saya slept over his phone and called Yugyeom unintentionally, not realizing that he was suddenly popping back into the actor's life as if nothing had happened and he was not gone. The boy turned on the water pressure, trying to ignore the urgency that was growing in his chest.

They hadn't been talking for five days but Saya and Yugyeom were close enough for his disappearance to worry the actor and make him wonder if anything serious had happened — the boy had told the actor he was having some problems and wanted to disappear, die.

“Gyeom-ah?” Yugyeom clenched his fingers tightly in surprise at the knock on the door. “Is everything okay in there?”

“ _Ne_ hyung.” the younger one coughed, trying to sound calmer than he really was. He wiped his face and opened the door, bumping into Noa. The boy grabbed the eldest by the waist, pulling him off the ground and sinking his face into his neck. “Let's stay in bed, please”.

Noa shifted beneath Yugyeom, brushing his own hair out of his eyes as the younger one tried to hide his face again at his neck. He seemed extremely bothered by something.

“Why do you look like that?” he wanted to know. “It was your mother? She told something that you don’t like it??”

Yugyeom smiled, denying it.

“Strange because I only see you with that sad face when she's involved.” Noa sighed deeply. He knew that Yugyeom didn't tell him everything, that there were things about the youngest he would ever know but he wanted to show that they were friends even though they had slept together and that they could trust each other. “You know you can tell me anything you want, don't you? I know I had trouble hearing you in the past but things have changed now. I can hear you if you want”.

Yugyeom really wanted to move his life forward, win the lawsuit against his company or make them understand that it was okay to share the actor with another agency. He wanted to stay in New York, far away from his mother's power and the troubles he had in Korea... he wanted to make Noa stay with him in that country, where things were calmer and they would have more freedom to know each other like lovers and not just friends.

He wanted to stop worrying so much about the people he had tried to leave in the past, but he couldn't get Saya out of his mind even if he tried — he cared so much because his virtual friend knew all his sides without ever seeing his face. Yugyeom was too fond of what he could do with Saya to let his call dies in his memory just because of Noa.

He opened and closed his mouth but was interrupted by his phone.

Noa was startled, because Yugyeom had risen so quickly that he had pinched the boy's thigh in the process, making him complain and grit his teeth at the sight of disappointment on the younger man's face. The Japanese man had no idea who was stunning the actor's mind but he was sure he hated the feeling of being left for someone else.

 **Saya:** oh... I'm so sorry  
I was going to call a guy I met  
and I ended up squeezing your Kakao instead of his

 **Saya:** my bad :)

Yugyeom reread the message letting out a long, tedious sigh because Saya had just missed contact when trying to call someone other than the actor. He had worried because after five days he thought that his virtual friend was trying to sneak back to what they had.

He ruffled his hair and returned the phone to the dresser, impatient with the situation. Yugyeom wanted Saya to say that something had happened, that he needed help, and that Yugyeom was the only one who had crossed his mind. It was pathetic but he wanted to be useful.

“Sometimes I can’t stop myself from envy this person” Noa whispered, approaching Yugyeom, hugging the boy's neck and placing the chin on his broad shoulder. “Because this person who makes you so disconnected from life must be really important. Really important”.

**— ■ —**

“I'd like to thank everyone involved in this movie because if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have been nominated or won this award today.” Actor Kim Yugyeom said with a wide smile on his face, staring at the prize in his hands before proceeding with the speech. “As a foreign actor, thanks to my manager to help me with this film and thanks to my amazing fans. I had great opportunities to show my potential and I was able to learn many things that I can say that I will bring to life today because of you!”

The actor sighed deeply, relieved that he had achieved another of his goals — his mother had insisted that it would be difficult to win that award because he was not in Korea and people were rigid in the kind of awards he was competing for. She sounded like she did not believe her son, which was normal coming from a woman like her, and her words made Yugyeom doubt himself for a few moments until he heard his name.

He pursed his lips, holding back all the excitement he felt at being able to win that prize despite all the hardships he had had to get to that country — he had found that he would need to return to Korea as soon.

Yugyeom didn't know exactly how, but someone had managed to leak the information that he would be trying a negligence measure and that made the agency's CEO take action against the actor. They are suing Yugyeom for defamation and breach of contract for no reason — the only way out of not be prosecuted for perjury was to accept the deal with his agency and return.

In two weeks he would have to leave the peace he had found to return to Korea and resolve the chaos he had made without realizing that _someone_ was waiting for him to step in the wrong direction to fuck him with everything. The boy smiled at the audience, knowing that soon he would have to say goodbye to this place and these people.

“And thanks to my dear director, Josh, for believing in me and helping me build pillars that make me a better person today.” Yugyeom asked last, making everyone fall in love with his sweet words. “Thanks to everyone who accepted me and provided me with this award. Thank you”.

**\- c –**

Six days later Kim Yugyeom and some of the MOVE’s cast actors concluded their contract agendas with a party at Josh’s apartment, where they took the opportunity to say goodbye to the boy and wish him happiness and success for his life and career.

The actor made a speech about how much he would miss everyone, drank too much, laughed and cried hugging one of the people he had become closest to — his co-star, Cas Blackwood — because he wasn’t happy to leave his life in New York just for losing a silly war against his own agency.

And days follow. Yugyeom gave interviews, went out in some magazines, and talked about his return to Korea, also allowed Sehun to start his move while Noa and he spent a few days in a hotel outside the city — they had decided it would be good to say goodbye to that country and ended up in a kind of honeymoon because they had ended in a cozy, family-looking hotel.

Yugyeom didn't really understand how his attempt to get the agency into a neglect scandal had come to the CEO's ears, he won't have any idea how his lawyers had failed to come up with a better strategy to protect him, but now that he knew he needed to go back he wanted to enjoy his last moments as if they were the last moments of his life.

He wanted to have the freedom to laugh at Noa's jokes and be able to lean over to give him a kiss without anyone looking at them crookedly or taking a picture that would be shared by thousands of people, wanted to have a few moments of tranquility and that good feeling to be normal.

The actor breathed hard, holding the Japanese's red lips between his owns as he pushed his hip against him, hearing the man moan with the sensation of having Yugyeom inside him that way — Noa had left Yugyeom open-mouthed because the younger couldn't imagine his friend being bottom in a relationship. It was nothing about stereotypes or appearances, it was just something in the Japanese essence that made the Korean put him in the role he was doing for almost a month now.

Yugyeom propped his elbow on the bed and put his hand on the top of Noa's head, holding the smaller's body beneath him as he thrust into him once more, feeling his arms claw and smiling as he writhed with pleasure at the sight of his prostate again.

Gradually the actor was feeling his limit reach, his skin becoming sensitive to the sound of Noa's desperate moans and the way he sucked his skin, calling his name, ready to cum, and let Yugyeom crumble inside him as much as he liked. The younger one buried his face in the crook of his friend's neck, clenching his teeth over his lower lip to contain his own voice as he began to speed up his hips, fucking the older man's inside.

They were running out of breath, with sore throats, with a troubled mind — at some point, Yugyeom felt dizzy as he remembered losing some things that made him calm when he returned — until Noa get hit by his orgasm with a sly, dragged grunt.

The Japanese man moved, shoving Yugyeom's body to where he was lying and he took the condom from the younger man's cock, putting it in his mouth as he sucked on his length with voracity, bent on making the younger one come in his mouth this time.

Yugyeom's body shivered as he felt Noa's throat open as he came into the boy's mouth, who swallowed all the semen and smiled at his friend, approaching to let a wet kiss on his soft, warm mouth.

“Has anyone ever told you that it’s impossible to look away from you when you’re like that?” Noa whispered against Yugyeom's lips, causing the actor's skin to itch from a ridiculous memory that had occurred thanks to those words. “Because, damn, you’re so fucking beautiful when you fuck-”

Yugyeom suddenly jerked away from Noa, clearing his throat and wiping the tip of his nose on his palm before making an excuse that he needed to pee running — the Japanese frowned and followed him with his eyes, hearing the door slam. The youngest leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, not understanding why he had thought of the only person who had never crossed his memory in those last eight and a half months.

He rubbed his face.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” the actor whispered to himself, biting his cheeks as hard as he could to try to replace his stupid thoughts. He should blame the stress of it, right? Why he is thinking about Jinyoung? “Can't you think of him just now… what the fuck is your problem Kim Yugyeom? Don't think about Jinyoung ever again”.

**\- ii –**

**@koreaboo:** Looks like the news is really true. Actor Kim Yugyeom was photographed today at New York International Airport with a passport in hand!!

 **@allkpop:** Perhaps the requests from the Korean fans were finally answered! After eight months out actor, Kim Yugyeom is spotted at Incheon International Airport.

 **@dispatchsns:** Actor Kim Yugyeom was photographed next to his manager and a mysterious man on his return to Korea. Apparently, the actor has returned to stay this time. Check it all out on our website!

Yugyeom bit his thumbnail as he read the news that had just come out about his return to Korea — it wasn’t even 30 minutes since they landing and was already anxious for all the unnecessary and negative attention from some sources. The boy, Sehun and Noa had been greeted by a crowd of fans at the airport, security guards needed to call the local police to help them get the actor out of the scene without risk of accident or trouble by the number of people who had appeared at the gate landing.

Getting to the car without hearing a 'Mr. Kim, this boy has something to do with the scandals that have arisen about your attempt to break your contract with your current agency', as if he could really give up his career or create chaos for himself for someone.

Some fans had begun to invent about Yugyeom wanting to stay in New York for finally falling in love with someone. It was stupid and a waste of time, but he was furious with them because no one knows that he wants to stay in New York because he had fucked up with the wrong person and was enjoying the fact that he could get over this 'person' by being in another country.

“Let's go straight to the agency.” Sehun informed the driver, buckling and turning to look at his boss. Yugyeom didn't look happy to be back. “They want to talk before more people start talking about the breaking contract subject”.

“Did you do what I asked?” the actor asked without taking his eyes off his phone, where he was reading some fan messages. They were freaking out about so many issues involving Noa. “I need to find out who leaked the information about me wanting to accuse them of negligence, I want to sue that person for privacy invasion".

Sehun moved his eyes toward Noa, who seemed more interested in the subject than he should have been — the manager liked his boss's friend, but he doesn’t trust the Japanese enough since someone told the company about Yugyeom’s move.

“We talk about it when we're alone”.

Yugyeom nodded without noticing the suspicious tone in the manager's voice, more concerned with checking the things they were saying about themselves. On Twitter, a hundred fans were calling Noa ‘the mysterious guy’ and the theory was that he was the actor's boyfriend. Other people were saying that the boy was probably the new manager in training, that Sehun was probably leaving the actor.

The boy rolled his eyes at how stupid people were because for him it didn't matter what was real or not, he just wanted to be left alone to live his life without anyone speculating about who he was related to. He gritted his teeth, ready to answer an account when he was interrupted and probably saved by a call.

His brown eyes bore the name on the display.

“Hyung?”

“ _Ya Kim Yugyeom!”_ Jackson Wang shouted from the other line and Yugyeom could hear Mark Tuan, the Chinese's boyfriend, laugh. “ _Hadn't you promised that I would be the first to know when you came home grateful brat? Why did I just find out now?_ ”

Kim Yugyeom's first laugh on Korean was thanks to Jackson Wang, who he hadn't missed until he heard the man's voice shouting about a silly promise he had made before going to the United States because the Chinese wanted to be in the airport to receive the youngest when he returns home.

“I'm sorry hyung.” Yugyeom whimpered, making Noa and Sehun look at him in surprise because they didn't expect such a sudden change. He was happy to hear Jackson's voice. “It all happened so fast, I didn't have time to warn anyone”.

_“I don't know if I should forgive you...”_

“ _Shut up Sseun-ah, you were crying just because you’re happy about him coming back and you won't forgive him?”_ Yugyeom heard Mark's voice. “ _Gyeom-ah, don't listen to his drama, he's an idiot”._

The actor laughed showing all his teeth, laying his head on the back of the seat and talking to them for a long time before needing to hang up — Jackson made him promise to try to find an hour so they could see each other as soon as possible — because he would have a business meeting with his representatives.

Sehun instructed Noa to stay in the waiting room and followed Yugyeom around, telling him everything the actor needed to know before entering the conference room to talk to his agents. They sat at the head of the table, breathing heavily as the CEO stepped in beside mrs. Kang and his lawyers.

That night Yugyeom had one of the most exhausting meetings of his life because everything his lawyers said was questioned by the firm so that it seemed impossible to reach a deal without him having to lose millions and on top of that, left them with a bad image.

Worst of all, Yugyeom had no idea how the company had found out about his maneuvers to get rid of the contract, the man had the slightest idea that his mother had something to do with it because she had a smile all the time and had made it clear that he would testify against her son if he continued this madness.

When the meeting ended, without really reaching a solution for both sides, Yugyeom asked the lawyers to find a way to make him lose less money and break the security clauses. He set Sehun aside, ran to the CEO as soon as he saw his own mother say goodbye, and disappear down the hall.

With the man, Yugyeom used his gentle side because the CEO of the company was someone he admired and knew he could do everything differently if he could break the influence that mrs. Kang had in every man's decisions. They ended up arguing for the first time because the old man refused to let Yugyeom go like this after years of dedication and work.

“I already gave you everything you asked me.” Mr. Ahn sighed taking off his glasses. “I've already let you change your contract, your manager, exclude your mother from your career but I can't allow you to do that to us right now Yugyeom. You must have seen the news, the market is falling and we have few actors as prestigious as you!” the old man says, putting his glasses back on and touching the boy's broad shoulders. “I know it's a lot to ask, but think a little more. Sharing your contract would not be good for us and you being sued would not be good for you”.

Though he wanted to, he could not hate the old man for having that thought, because he understood him and knew that he owed so much to everyone in this place as well. When Yugyeom was a child, he had gone through numerous problems that had been solved by the company when ms. Kang decided to take the boy to another company and they ended up screwed up, the company and that same old man who was in front of him had paid all the expenses and accepted him back.

Kim Yugyeom owed his successful career not only to his choices and efforts but also to Mr. Ahn. The boy sighed deeply, running his hand through his dark hair. He would try to think a little more — thought he was sure that the best thing for his personal life would be to change the country.

“I'm going to ask my lawyers to stop the trial attempts, I don't want to hurt you that way.” the old man sat down with difficulty, placing his hands on his big belly. “Take as much time as you need to think about this whole situation when you decide to come to me and we will do something about it. Whether we makeup or get in a fight”.

Yugyeom nodded, rubbing his face.

“I'll think about it”.

“Yugyeom?” the old man called him before letting him go. The actor glanced over his shoulder, exhausted from all this talk. “I hope that in the end, you see that our family here is more important than any reason that led you to make that risky decision to yourself”.

The actor moved his eyes away, knowing that CEO Ahn knew him well enough to know that this decision had not come out of anywhere or from a selfish motive. The old man knew that probably had a reason why Yugyeom thought the best for himself is leaving everything.

“I'll be waiting for your final decision”.

“Yeah. See you later _ahjusshi_ ”.

When Yugyeom got into the car, almost 30 minutes after the meeting was over, Sehun asked him about what had happened with Mr. Ahn, but all the actor did was sigh deeply and lay his head on Noa's lap, who massaged his scalp affectionately throughout the trip.

Yugyeom moved only when Sehun call his name again and said that they had arrived at his apartment, that the boy should go up and rest as much as possible for the next day, as they would need to meet with the lawyers to discuss what had happened that night.

“Cancel all my schedules.” Yugyeom sighed putting the mask on his face. “Say to my lawyers that I need some time and I don't want anything to be done until I rethink some things. You don't have to come to work tomorrow hyung, take a few days off”.

Sehun wiggled his eyebrows in confusion because Yugyeom had been confident in his decision before going to talk to the company's CEO and now seemed to have a huge doubt about all the decisions he had made before.

“Did something happen?” the manager wanted to know. “Did mr. Ahn you say something that changed your mind about the process? It was your mother-”

“He just reminded me how much we'll lose if this goes forward and now I need some time to think about everything.” the actor squinted tiredly, opening the door. “Cancel it all”.

“I'll cancel your schedule tomorrow and-”

“Not. Not just tomorrow, cancel everything. I want you to leave my monthly schedule free.” Yugyeom explained seriously, moving his eyes toward Noa. He wanted to ask his friend to come back to Busan that night because he wanted to be alone with his own problems and thoughts, but at the same time, he was afraid of feeling too lonely now that he was back home. He squeezes Noa’s knees. “Why don't you go first hyung? I need to talk to Sehun hyung, I'll get up soon”.

As soon as Noa left the car, the actor nibbled at the corner of his mouth and kept his gaze fixed on the screen of his own phone. Sehun waited patiently because he felt that his boss was in a constant dilemma with everything since their landing in Korea.

The truth is that Jackson had invited Yugyeom to lunch with him and Jinyoung the next day and the younger had acted on the impulse to accept — perhaps because he really missed the Chinese or perhaps because he felt his heart get off a beat when he hearing the writers name. The fact was that now Yugyeom didn't know exactly what to do.

He needed time to think of all that Mr. Ahn had told him, how he could continue to know Noa as more than just a friend now than they were back home in the middle of the storm and had to decide if he wanted to see Jinyoung.

“Cancel my lunch with Jackson Wang too”.

Sehun opened his mouth and didn't know what to say, because he knew Yugyeom had missed his friends but wasn't sure if he could get into it since he didn't understand why his boss now always spoke about Bloodsport’s cast with regret.

“Consider it done”.

Yugyeom nodded, biting his lips, taking a few minutes to accept the fact that he didn't want to have lunch with Jackson just because Jinyoung would be present. He pulled his bag and got out of the car, waving to Sehun and entering the building as quickly as he could.

He wanted to sleep a lifetime and forget about his return home.

As soon as the elevator door opened, Yugyeom's eyes were, metaphorically, blinded by the image of Park Jinyoung on the LED TV inside the elevator. He froze.

It had been a while since Yugyeom had seen Park Jinyoung's smiling face, even though by the photo he had given up on creating situations that would allow him to go along with his feelings because he didn't want to continue to harbor that made him upset.

But here he was, standing in front of the elevator, minutes before he saw the door close again, staring into the writer's face whenever the promotional media of his new book — which Yugyeom had bought and read it all in one day — appeared on the display.

The dark-haired boy chuckled into his mask, realizing how sensitive his body had become to the tightness in his chest at seeing that face when the door opened again. Yugyeom realized that it was work in New York that had helped him ignore everything that had happened between him and the writer, and that right now — thanks to a damn promotional photo — he was missing the older man.

He tossed his backpack in the corner of the room and ruffled his hair, taking a good look at the living room of his old apartment. He had insisted that Yuri continue to live there while he was away, but the girl decided to move to a dormitory near to her school.

Yugyeom leaned against the wall, crossed his arms, and gave up when memories exploded in his mind. He remembered the days when he was thrown into the living room carpet in front of the TV, being warmed by someone’s body. From the times they had sex on the couch, against the glass of the living room balcony, how their voices had made music in that room on a rainy day that would always be the actor's favorite day.

He remembered how he had spent his free time in that apartment with Jinyoung, kissing him, loving him, and felt miserable.

“Bo!” the taller one closed his eyes, feeling Noa's arms wrap around his neck. Yugyeom had completely forgotten that his friend would spend the night with him. “You took too long. What happened?”

“Sehun hyung needed to show me something important.” he lied with a fragile smile behind his mask, trying to undo the nostalgic expression as he turned and hugged the Japanese. The older grinned from ear to ear, stroking Yugyeom's neck before removing the mask from the younger boy's face and bending to kiss him. The actor sighed deeply and looked away. “I need a shower hyung. Why don’t you order pizza?”

The Japanese man opened and closed his mouth, surprised by Yugyeom's sudden change of mood. Noa knew things would be different in Korea that the boy would not be so affectionate in public, but he hoped that inside the apartment things would stay the same as they were in New York — he was even hoping that Yugyeom would accept his dating request in soon too. However, the younger one seemed sulky and distant from him since they arrived.

“Is there something going on besides the problem with your company bothering you Yugyeom?” Noa asked as soon as he saw the actor come out of the bathroom, wiping his hair. He wanted to understand what was wrong, why the boy was so mad that way. “You were fine until a few hours ago… did your mother tell you something and now you’re upset?”

Yugyeom sighed deeply.

“I'm just tired”.

“Are you sure about that?” he probed, watching Yugyeom move his eyes away from his and nodded warily. Noa knew the youngest long enough to know that he wasn't being completely sincere. “If you say so, I’ll believe. Change your clothes and come to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and you need to rest”.

Yugyeom did what Noa said. He put on some clothes, lay on his side, and turned off the lamp without saying good night or really caring how much his coldness was bothering the Japanese. They had the best days of their lives in New York — Yugyeom had convinced Noa to be with him in America and they had enjoyed every moment as if it were the last. However, lying in the youngest's bed, it seemed as if he had never even seen each other that day in front of the cafe less than three weeks ago.

It seemed that they had never talked about living together without being afraid of what others would say about them. The boy didn't look the same Yugyeom who had whispered against Noa's ear that he was slowly falling in love with the old man smiles, but as someone ready to break a heart for some reason the Japanese didn't know.

Yugyeom looked cold as a block of ice.

“Should I worry about us?” Noa Nakagata's voice sounded like a sad whisper in the darkroom and Kim Yugyeom's silence cut his heart, again. He was trying to fight the sense of loss since he knew they would have to go back to Korea. Noa, as much as he didn't want to, accepted that he would lose Yugyeom soon as Sehun appeared with their tickets in hand. He just didn't want to give up, because as much as it hurt, he liked Yugyeom enough to live well with anything he could give to him. Even if it was cold.

“Sometimes I wonder what's on your mind”.

_Jinyoung_

Yugyeom wanted to answer.

Park Jinyoung was in his mind, asleep for months as if he were a prisoner within Kim Yugyeom's own feelings. It was what was on the youngest mind at that moment, Jinyoung. Park fucking Jinyoung.


	24. It's like the walls are caving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yugyeom was, after months, in front of the only person who could still torment his heart in the most sweeping way possible. He was facing the only man he had ever loved in his fucking life.

**\- i -**

Days passed in a blur.

Noa had returned to Busan after an argument with Yugyeom.

He had asked the actor what they would do now that they were in Korea and he could stop thinking about his decision to move because the Japanese — although he had never mentioned it to Yugyeom — had plans to get the manager's job in the new coffee shop in New York so they could be together. It was a simple 'what do we do now' question but Yugyeom had acted as if Noa had proposed him when he knew that same-gender ties were illegal in Korea or anything absurd that could kill someone.

They haven't been talking since then. Partly because Yugyeom was too busy enjoying his free time to think, to throw himself on the couch, read some books, watch television as if he had never done before. In part, because Noa had a lot of work and needed to clear his schedule before the end of the month.

And it was no surprise to either of them that they fall apart that way but to Yugyeom it was a surprise that he was missing Noa.

“I got used to him.” the boy shrugged, swinging his legs as he brought a plum to his mouth. He watched his brother nod as he cut cheese to eat with wine, and sighed deeply. “We spent almost four weeks together in New York, sleeping in the same bed every day” he explained thoughtfully, crushing another plum between his teeth. “It's normal that I am missing him now that we're not talking”.

“How many days you two aren’t talking to each other?”

“Almost ten days”.

Yujin nodded silently, completing his glass before approaching his brother and sitting next to him on the kitchen island. Yugyeom's older brother had forced the boy out of the house under threat because they hadn't seen each other for about nine months and the oldest wanted to tell the news in person — Yongsun was three weeks pregnant.

“If you miss him, why don't you stop be so stupid like a spoiled boy and call him?” Yujin asked after a long moment of silence. Yugyeom had thought about this, about calling Noa and sorting things out but the more he thought, the more he realized his feelings for the man were selfish because he couldn't give what the Japanese deserved now that they were back to their lives. “Or don't you miss him as much as you're telling me?”

Yugyeom shrugged, filling his mouth with plums to avoid that question. He didn't know either, he just feeling selfish for some reason his mind had hidden while making the decision not to call and not to surrender that he thought he missed Noa every time he went to bed.

Yujin raised an eyebrow.

“Do you know what I think?” the man sighed deeply, looking straight at his brother's profile. “I think you're punishing yourself”.

“Bullshit!” Yugyeom laughed. “What bullshit is that? I am not-”

“Did you really forget Jinyoung?”

Yugyeom froze.

He had been clear with his siblings and father about this, had said that he didn’t think about Jinyoung anymore, and was happy with his choices. The actor had spent nine months with his mind busy enough to repeat that mantra as if he had to trust that this effort has results.

“Ah…”

So what if he been thinking about Jinyoung while fucking Noa once or twice? What if he felt his heart clench during those ten days every time Jackson called or texted him and say Jinyoung’s name? So what if he found himself admiring the commercial inside the elevator without realizing that his heart was racing every time he saw Jinyoung's smile?

This doesn’t mean anything.

“If I hadn't forgotten him why would I be with Noa?”

“If you really forgot, why would you have to fight with Noa at the first chance you got back home?” Yujin asked back, interlacing his own fingers, staring at his hands so that he didn't have to face Yugyeom’s angry expression. “I think you're punishing yourself for being home, having had something with Noa while you were away, and being fine all this time without thinking about Jinyoung”.

“Hyung-”

“You didn't want to go home because it would mean being closer to him, Yugyeom! How can you say to me that you don’t like him anymore dude?” Yujin bubble out. “Yuri told me everything okay? You accept that movie because that way you can’t see him…” the man sniff, moving his head side to side. “Come back home would mean that you would have a chance to see him and be too weak to bear the idea that you never really got over what you two had”.

“Jinyoung and I don’t-”

“Cut this shit off!” Yujin cut his brother off with his analytical tone, study the situation. “You fled to another country to not to see him and now you're giving up on Noa just because you're happy, which means that you accepting that Jinyoung and you won't be together”.

Kim Yugyeom hated his brother.

He thought the man was snobbish about his career and his two PhDs and his fiancée would leave him someday. Or at least that was how the actor liked to paint his relationship with his brother to anyone who asked him about how close they were because admitting that Yujin knew him well and that was important to him after all he had been through was scary like hell to the actor.

However, Yujin and Yugyeom had finally come to the conclusion that they loved each other too much to let the actor's insecurity in people undermine the relationship they could build, that their bond was bigger and stronger than any division their mother had raised between her three kids.

“It's like the walls are caving in!” the younger sighed, letting himself overwhelmed by the despairing sense that was growing in his chest over the days. “Jackson keeps inviting me to lunch with them. I hear his name and get fucking nervous, it's like there's something wrong with my fucking heart, hyung!” Yugyeom leaned against the wall, pressing his hands over his red face. He wanted to die. “Fuck. How can I still think about him?"

“Because you love him”.

"But shouldn't it have passed now?” Yugyeom asked annoyed about himself. He felt like a complete idiot. “He became a father and moved on with his life. I went out of the country, met some people and I was fine with Noa. How can I still think about Jinyoung after all this time away?”

“The answer is really simpler kid.” they were surprised by Yong-sun’s voice, who gets in the kitchen with Yuri. “You still love that man”.

Yugyeom widened his eyes and turned to his brother.

“I can't hide anything from her!” Yujin bared his teeth in an embarrassed smile because he had sworn with the little finger that he would keep that secret under lock and key. “I'm so sorry I told her”.

“Ya!” Yong-sun shouted, putting her hands on the hips, making Yuri laugh as she sat with her brothers. “How could you have asked him to keep a secret from me Kim Yugyeom? You do not respect me anymore?”

“Noona-”

“I saw you grow up!” the woman shouted again, wagging her finger at her brother-in-law. She had been furious when she heard Yujin and Yuri talking about Yugyeom because she had been part of that family for years and could not believe that her brother-in-law had excluded her that way. “What kind of family hide things from each other? I understand your mother is crazy and can't know, but fucking hide it from me? Stupid kid!”

Yuri and Yujin rolled their eyes because they had heard that sermon a couple of times since she finding out about Yugyeom and didn't want to have to hear it again. The man gets off the marble and I walk over to his wife, smoothing her belly and whispering an affectionate 'shut up' in the process.

“Ya!” Yong-sun yell, punching her husband in the shoulder, who groaned in pain and walked away from his wife before he caught himself in a fight again. She snorted, crossing her arms. “I'll pretend you didn't hide it because I am seeing that you are not okay, but the day will come when I'll slap you for lying to me”.

Yugyeom sighed deeply, apologizing.

She nodded impatiently and considered the situation she'd interrupted with her screams. Yong-sun stroked his belly before, with a long sigh, trying to make sense of the boy's head.

“You still love him”.

“Love it’s too much noona, I wouldn't say I love him.” Yugyeom frowned, snapping his thumb. “It's the same thing that happened to Noa hyung, I got used to him and-”

“You still love that man, Yugyeom.” Yujin repeated his wife's words, who thanked him with a nod and made a cold expression for her brother-in-law. “Maybe it's not an epic love like his books, but what you felt for him was strong enough for you to let go of all your taboos and fears just by being with him. This is love too, giving up your fear of being with someone is one of the deepest ways of loving someone.” the man took off his glasses, dizzy. “Running away and getting your head into work is not moving on, it's just ignoring the situation and letting it grow”.

Yugyeom had let it accumulate and grow.

He felt that deep inside was a place where his mind had locked Jinyoung and day by day he realize how heavy it was — and perhaps Yujin was right as to why he had a fight with Noa because it was strange to be good with someone when he feels affected by something he should have forgotten months ago.

He had left everything he had to say and had not said, everything he had lived and wanted to live with Jinyoung. He had let it all accumulate without bothering to clean it up because he believed that he could get used to that feeling… to that feeling that screams Jinyoung’s name because he was afraid of being like his mother and fall for a married man.

“He keeps thinking about you too.” Yong-sun says against her husband's will, who lowered his head and whispered a curse. They had promised that they would not let Yugyeom know about it because Jinyoung had asked them to not say anything. “We have the same pediatric doctor. It's hard not to get close to someone with so many dates for first-time parents at the hospital...”

Yugyeom opened and closed his mouth, feeling Yuri squeeze his knee in comfort. She imagined that her brother would be shaken to hear this, that Jinyoung was close to his brother and sister-in-law and missed him enough to ask them about the actor.

“Yeah, he always asks about you.” Yujin sighed rubbing the back of his neck before lifting his head and facing Yugyeom’s confused and pale face. “From what we can understand, Jinyoung had to let you go to realize that, ah-that... fuck, I don't think that changes anything now”.

“Hyung…” Yugyeom whispered apprehensively. “What did Jinyoung-ssi realize when I left?”

Yujin looked at his wife, who nodded warily.

The man sighed deeply and shrugged.

“He needed to see you leave to realize he was in love with you”.

Yuri bit her cheeks at the feel of his brother's leg muscle tensing as if he had held his breath too tightly and his whole body was reacting to this sudden interruption. She moved her eyes to his face, parting her lips as she recognized that pained expression — it was what he looked like when his mother beat him up and then cry saying he was sorry for hurting the boy that way. Yugyeom had hated to hear that.

“Why did he tell you that?”

“Maybe because he needed to tell this to someone?” Yujin raised an eyebrow suggestively. “I don't know if you noticed but Jinyoung has no one to talk to about it without causing you trouble, Yugyeom. Unlike you, he could not talk openly about his own feelings right now”.

Yugyeom wrinkled his nose.

“But Jackson…” the younger shook his head. “They have been friends for years. Why didn't he just tell him instead of talking about it to you two? Of course, he could trust Jackson hyung and-”

“I think Jinyoung was afraid to talk about it and end up hurting you because of it. I mean, your life is a lot more complicated than his.” Yuri allowed himself an opinion in the conversation. “But this is something you will only be sure of when you are ready to talk to him”.

“And he wants to talk to you.” Yujin hurried to say because he had received a few calls from Jinyoung that week and knew that the man wasn’t well since Yugyeom return. “I can’t tell you to talk to him now because it's not fair, but I think you should give it a chance”.

“There's nothing to be saying!” Yugyeom didn't want to yell, but he was so dizzy about everything that he can’t stop himself. He gets off the marble and filled his glass. “So what if I was in love with him in the past huh? We don’t have anything anymore so we don’t need to talk, we don’t have anything to talk!” the boy adds, turning the wine down. He coughed and put his hands on the marble. “I don't care about what he said to you or the fact that my heart is stupid and-”

“Why are you always so stubborn?”

“I am not!”

“Then stop it and talk with him!” Yujin grunted. “You just admitted that you were in love with Jinyoung and you're afraid to see him at any moment. Why is it so hard to just sit and talk?”

Yugyeom did not know. Maybe because he thought he was becoming like his mother, fall for someone else's husband that way even after he said he wouldn't do something crazy like that ever in his life. Maybe because he couldn't believe Jinyoung was in love with him since the oldest was always straightforward in making it clear that what they had was meant to be seen as a lucrative business for them.

What they had was not romantic, not for Jinyoung.

“Because he has no feelings for me!” Yugyeom laughed mockingly, feeling like trash right now. “He must only be suffering from marrying with that snake you know? I could see she say no when-”

“Wait. Who told you they got married?"

Yugyeom blinked stunned, lifting his head.

“Heejin”.

The woman had sent a screenshot of her and Park Jinyoung's wedding, about four months after the twin’s birth. Yugyeom had read it more than three times and had felt like a complete idiot for wanting to cry.

Yujin, Yong-sun, and Yuri had different reactions. The older man slapped his own forehead. Yuri cursed and get down from where she was sitting, placing her hand on Yugyeom's back and Young-sun open her mouth.

“What exactly did she tell you?”

Yugyeom swallowed without understanding why they were so apprehensive. Were they hoping that Yugyeom didn't find out if they keep that ridiculous act that Jinyoung was in love with him?

“She sent me a screenshot of an article about their marriage and I read this about three times. They married right after the twin’s right?”

Yujin pressed his palm to his lips.

“Please don't tell me you haven't tried talking to him all this time just because of what she sent to you Gyeom-ah”.

Yugyeom frowned again, not understanding why everyone was so surprised. Of course it was not just for that but the situation had become even more impossible with the official marriage. He would not be the ‘whore’ who runs after a married man with two children.

The actor nodded.

“Goddamn it!” Yong-sun whispered, biting her lips, exchanging a sad look with her husband. She adored Yugyeom and Yuri as if they were her own siblings, had known them for years, and wanted them to be happy as Yujin was being by her side so she felt like she had failed with Yugyeom for not calling to talk to him about everything that was going on. “That woman lied to you Gyeom-ah”.

Yugyeom loosened his grip on his jaw.

“What?” he shook his head. “Noona, I read the article e-”

“They didn't get married!” Yujin says, approaching his brother with the most anxious expression he could have. He didn't believe Heejin had been so meaning to his brother that way. “She tried to make the marriage happen for months but it never happened. They fought about everything, Jinyoung filed a request for the kid's custody and... ah-he...”

“He assumed, publicly, bisexual.” Yong-sun concluded by her husband, biting her cheeks in the process. Yugyeom's face turned completely red and he felt as if his heart was going to explode. The boy shook his head, denying that madness. “Some companies have cut the contract with him, a good part of society treats him like shit and he's had to move on about five or six times since then…” the woman swallowed, aware that she needed to take it easy. “Heejin has full custody of the babies and as far as we know, he needs to pop up in places to see his own kids. They didn't get married at all Yugyeom”.

**\- ii –**

Yugyeom had come to realize that he had multiple problems.

The first was that he had no idea how he should answer Noa's messages, which were beginning to accumulate in his inbox. The second problem was that mr. Ahn was sick because of the flu and his son was in charge of the company now, who had overridden his father's wishes by sending a meeting notification to Yugyeom.

The third problem had arisen as if he had no other two gigantic dramas to call, with his mother appearing at his door with Da-mi — whom Yugyeom had to bring to dinner to please and calm his mother's temper because he needs her influence with Ahn Minjae, because he didn't want to get in a fight against the company anymore.

“My son is showing compassion and attention for your father by not calling the lawyers right now, Minjae.” the woman caught Yugyeom's eyes from the corners of her own, hoping to see a trace of gratitude that she was helping him. “They had an agreement to do nothing about the contract until Yugyeom had a final answer because he knows losing my son to another company would cost more than you can handle right now”.

“Ahjumma, don't be so pretentious.” Ahn Minjae, mr. Ahn eldest son laughed mockingly. “Does your child have a high value for our company? Yes. We can't deny that Yugyeom has brought us the most profit over the years, but I have plans for the company and I know that I can sustain any financial hardship we might face from his loss.” the man shrugged, considering Bo-Young's angry expression. “And can you, ahjumma, deal with the consequences of your son's shits?”

Yugyeom made a hoarse sound between his lips and rolled his eyes impatiently. He never liked Minjae, Yugyeom preferred Bora, and he knew that the woman would have acted correctly if her father had given her the right of succession at the agency.

Mrs. Kang, on the other hand, didn't seem bothered by the man authority and self-confidence show because she was a businesswoman longer than the man in front of her and knew how things in that business worked — Yugyeom might not trust his mother to handle his career anymore but he knew she would know what to do.

“Minjae-ah…” mrs. Kang crossed her legs, snapping her lips before sketching a broad smile on his face. “Do you know who you're talking to right now?” she croaked through her teeth. “I've been your father's consultant for years, boy. My son worked for this company for almost eleven years, if it weren't for him, you wouldn't have half of what you have today, and are you trying to act as if you could survive without having him as one of your actors? You are crazy”.

Ahn Minjae swallowed because he felt in the woman's tone that she was a hundred percent sure of what she was saying. Worst of all, the man knew she was right, that they would be in trouble if Yugyeom could get out of the company — even if he was paying for breaking fines for no reason — but because he was a young visionary he believed there was a slight chance they could make it without the actor.

“Ahjumma, I am not belittling the work you or your son did for our agency, but let's be practical and sincere about everything that's going on here” Minjae smirked, shrugging. “Yugyeom has no plausible reason to break the contract, he tried to accuse my father of negligence and would have gone to the end if we had not found out-”

“Which still intrigues me.” Yugyeom whispered, interrupting Minjae for best. “It's funny that you found this out? It's like someone is spying on me… which is by far a break agency's privacy with your employees”.

Minjae smiled.

“If you have a flaw in the security of your affairs, this is entirely your problem Yugyeom. The information we were given anonymously to us so you have no way of accusing us of breach of privacy.” Minjae gritted his teeth, puffing out his nostrils as he breathed deeply. He wanted to put an end to this discussion and finish the process, make money and hire new people instead of keeping Kim Yugyeom. “We'll go through the process and I deal with my dad when he gets better”.

“You're overriding his choice!” Kang Bo-Young growled impatiently, running her hand through her dark hair. “You're acting like a spoiled brat just because you don't like my son. This is persecution”.

“Can you prove what you are saying now ahjumma? Because if you can't, I'll make an effort for our lawyers to file a false accusation lawsuit against you… which would be horrible. "

Kang Bo-Young could have lost countless wars against her ex-husband — who took half their family investment —, against Yugyeom and his habit of trying to survive without her help and others she would never admit aloud. But he wasn't about to lose that war because her son needed her now, and that meant a chance to regain her job as a manager.

So Bo-Young would use every trick she had learned over the years in that world to overturn any chance that Minjae would actually reactivate the lawsuit against the boy — even if she had been against him before and hoped that mr. Ahn took every penny of the boy by kicking him from his company because of his stupidity.

“Do it!” Yugyeom clenched his teeth, earning his mother mocked Ahn Minjae's threat. “Take action against us saying we're raising false accusations…” Bo-Young shrugged. “And perhaps the judge will eventually get an appeal to reopen our sexual harassment lawsuit”.

Yugyeom felt as if a truck had passed over his body as he heard those words and his mind raced everywhere because he had no idea about what the woman was talking about and was afraid because he couldn't trust many of his own childhood memories — and from the look on Minjae's face, the woman wasn't lying.

The boy's mouth went dry and his eyes burned, Yugyeom shifted uncomfortably in his chair and turned to the woman, holding his breath as he saw her smile so defiantly at Minjae. Minjae loosened his tie, took a deep breath, and leaned over, propping the whole swing on the table.

“You didn't have proofs before and you don't have it now”.

“Who told you I had no proofs?” Bo-Young narrowed her eyes, smiling sideways as she watched Minjae's face turn into a mixture of worries. Yugyeom clenched his fingers into fists and held the lip between his teeth, feeling his pulse quicken with the tension between the older two and the woman's raising sexual abuse issues after eleven years in that company. “By the way, I have more than evidence… I have the payment papers that your father do to us, this is a confirmation that your employee has tried to sexually abuse my son”.

Yugyeom stopped blinking.

He no longer remembered how to breathe, how to process that information because every cell in his body seemed to be slowly deteriorating. Kang Bo-Young was bringing in something untouched that Yugyeom didn't want to hear, something he didn't remember that happening at any time in his life — but that seemed to be true by the way everything becomes tense — and he couldn't stand it.

The actor got up from his chair, making a loud noise in the room, which made the woman bit her tongue. He ran his hands over his face not knowing what to do or what to think.

Someone had sexually abused him and his mother had done nothing about it? And had he simply blocked everything since?

“I am sure any judge will determine that reopening of the case is necessary, especially if I present the payment document made by the agency.” Kang Bo-Young sighed deeply. “I could say that your father ask me to don’t say anything Minjae-ah… but I really don’t want to do it now”.

“Ahjumma-”

“You just have to say to your lawyers stop everything until your father gets better, our family doesn’t want to cause trouble for the agency or for mr. Ahn, and I am sure you don't want to see your dad's company being dragged on the street because of the things they did in the past”.

Yugyeom wanted to throw up.

He had fought the urge to leave the agency he belonged to return to New York because of mr. Ahn, then because of the old man's medical condition and because Yujin didn't agree with the idea of the boy continuing to run away from his trouble, but now he just wanted to forget that he had already been part of that place.

Would his mother tell him what had happened? Would she have said something if Minjae had not gone over his father's orders and gone after the lawsuit against Yugyeom for publicity and money?

“Ahjumma…”

“Think a little before continuing this madness, your father wanted to solve everything without many fights. I am sure he cares my son enough not to want to see he left.” Bo-Young interrupted the man as she stood, taking his son's coat from the chair. “And I don't want to expose Yugyeom that way but I will… so make them stop”.

When Yugyeom left the meeting room, being dragged by his mother down the corridor to the elevator and then to the car that would take them back to the woman's house in Gangnam the actor stomped his foot nervously, biting his thumbnail as he tried to make his thoughts work the way he wanted. He was confused.

The moment they get in they were sawed by Kwang-min and Yuri waiting for them — both were there because they needed to convince mrs. Kang signing their daughter's permission to travel with the school to Canada — and all Yugyeom wanted to do was break everything.

“Did you know that too dad?” Yugyeom stammered, waving at his mother and her victorious smile. They had received a message from the actor's agency minutes after leaving, saying that they had turned back and would remain quiet until mr. Ahn gets better. “Did you know?"

“Did I know what?” Kwang-min frowned, holding his son's cheeks. He felt the calm quickly fade with his son's terrified expression. “What happened? What you do with him?”

“I didn't do anything.” Bo-Young rolled her eyes. “He's just having one of those stupid crises. It's just drama”.

Yugyeom turned to his mother and shouting at the woman as loudly as he could. Yuri cringed on the couch with her brother's attitude, she understood that he and his mother had their problems and disagreements, but the boy had never gotten to the point of acting as if he could start a physical fight between them.

Kwang-min held Yugyeom in place by his fist, listening to the bone crack with the pressure they both made. He tries to calm Yugyeom down.

“I hate you!” he shouted feeling his father hold him. “Why don't you do anything good for me? Why do you always have to fuck my life like this?” Yugyeom felt his chest hurt. “You are a shit of mother. I hate you!”

“Ya!” Bo-Young shouted back, throwing her bag on the couch. She looks at the actor. “Do you really think I care if you hate me or not? Please!”

“Mother…” Yuri whispered without understanding anything. She couldn’t deal with them like that. “You don't have to say-”

“Shut up you too.” Kang rolled her eyes, ruffling her hair. “Why did I have such dramatic and troubled kids? Huh? All my friends have wonderful, charming, and great kids but not me. My eldest son chose a mediocre profession to be a surgeon, my middle son, who should be grateful for all the sacrifices I made in my life to give him a quality profession, decided to act like crazy and try to destroy everything I've done for years!” Bo-Young shouted, making Yugyeom and Yuri widen their eyes. “And my youngest daughter? Let's face it, you born because your father wanted a girl and instead of doing something to pay me for it, you leave a bright future in sports to devote to music? Please!”

“Do you hear yourself?” Kwang-min shouted at his ex-wife. The man didn't remember when she'd been like this, which had happened to make Bo-Young become this cold, sick woman in front of him saying those horrible things to their kids. He only knew that he hated himself for having met her and for bringing children into the world with this crazy woman. “You are sick Bo-Young. You are fucking sick!”

“Am I sick?” she snorted. “It is your ungrateful children who are sick, Kwang-min. I've been working hard all my life to make sure they have a good life and all they do is play hard and act like spoiled brats!”

“How can you say something like that?” Yugyeom sobbed. “She just told Minjae that she tried to sue the agency for sexual abuse!”

Kwang-min's grip loosened on Yugyeom's arm, his face turned into a sea of conflicting emotions and he shook his head, denying that madness because it was not possible. He couldn't have been stupid and blind enough not to realize something as serious as… no. No.

He was not such a negligent father.

“No, Yugyeom…” Kwang-min licked his lips, shaking his head as he released the boy and pointed a finger at Bo-Young. “It didn't happen!”

Bo-Young rolled his eyes.

“She told Minjae that the agency paid her to do nothing about it, that she had evidence and would use it if they tried to sue me for trying to leave the company now. She said that with all the words!!

“Bo young…”

“Why are you so dramatic?” Bo-Young croaked impatiently, opening a bottle of whiskey. She turned to her children and her ex-husband, tucking a strand of her dark brown hair behind her ear. “Of course it didn't happen. Do not be stupid!”

Yugyeom's heart spun in his chest.

He wasn't crazy, he knew what he had heard.

“Do you really think I would be cruel enough to let my son work in an unsafe place? Please! I would never risk putting you or one of your brothers in someone's hands that I don't trust.” Bo Young sighed taking a sip of whiskey. Yugyeom sniffled shaking his head. It was a lie. Anyone who knew her would know that this woman didn't care about anyone but herself. The actor croaked. “I know this looks impossible, I do horrible things and say even worse things, but I would never risk you like that”.

“You told Minjae hyung that you could have any judge open an investigation into a sexual abuse case against the agency mom!”

Mrs. Kang sighed deeply, receiving a furious look from her son and a pleading expression from her younger daughter. They were going crazy with this whole situation. Yuri wanted to call Yujin to do something about it, show up and help them intern their mother.

Kwang-min wanted to strangle his ex-wife.

“We were going through a bad time back then... when you were about twelve” Bo-Young shook her hands, shrugging. “Mr. Ahn was having trouble with a majority businessman, who he couldn't just kick out if he wanted to succeed in the business. I just did something for him”.

Yugyeom's jaw dropped.

“Did you use me to create a sexual abuse scandal?”

“It wasn't a scandal!” the woman shouted back, impatient with their inability to understand the sacrifices she had made for them. “In the beginning, I just wanted to show that our family was fundamental to the company, and when this man in question came into the company drunk someday… let's say I made it look like he had touched you and that I was willing to go public if they don’t do something”.

“I can't believe it…!” Kwang-min seat exhausted, placing his hands on his face. “I've been married to a madwoman for years and didn't realize how dangerous you were to my children”.

“Nothing happened!” Bo-Young shouted. “I would never let anyone touch a hair of our children, _sweet_. Of course it was all a lie, but the company has no idea and they made the man pay me for my silence and just me and mr. Ahn knows about it.” she shrugged. “It was necessary at the time and now we can use their ignorance to protect Yugyeom’s career-”

“Do you have any idea how it as to me hearing you say that to Minjae hyung?” Yugyeom swallowed, feeling his heart race in the chest. He had to lean against the wall. He had felt as if the world had turned him upside down in such a short time that he felt sick. “Holy shit! You used a fucking situation to take advantage of mr. Ahn and after years threw this bomb right in front of me… I thought-ah fuck!”

“You thought that I had let someone abuse you? What kind of mom do you think I am?” she laughed from ear to ear, completing the glass again. Yuri sank into the couch, feeling dizzy with everything she had heard. She didn't believe her mother could see the logic in what she had done because it was barbaric. It was cruel. “Nothing happened. No one has ever touched you in your life! You have nothing to worry about. We just need to make everyone believe it happened if-”

“You're sick!” Kwang-min croaked. “This is enough. I endured this madness for years, I let you torture our children…!” he stood, wiping the corners of his eyes. “I want their custody”.

Kang Bo-Young stared at her ex-husband seriously before bursting into laughter. He couldn't really be serious. They were adults!

“They aren't kids anymore!”

“Yuri is in high school…” Kwang-min wagged a finger at his wife, pointing to the girl on the couch. “She is only eighteen and not yet legally adult in our country. Yugyeom just turned twenty-three but I am sure he will want to declare himself mentally tortured for you, and that guarantees me this guard too”.

“They would never do that…”

Kwang-min laughed.

“Gyeom-ah?”

Yugyeom had a career, he knew people didn't accept weakness, and being mentally unstable means being weak to a large part of the country. He had a clue what alleging mental or emotional instability could mean for his career, but the feeling he had felt hearing his mother says those words… he was tired of living over her madness.

He couldn't take it anymore.

“I do anything to have this woman mile away from me.” he croaked through his teeth, wiping his nose on his palm. “Even claim mental instability in front of the fucking country”.

Bo-Young squeezed the glass in her fingers.

“Yuri-ah?” Kwang-min licked his lips because he knew how painful it must be for a mother to hear her children give her up like that. However, he needed to do something. “Do you want me to do that?”

“Yuri-”

“Ne!” Yuri cut her mother's voice with a quick and simple answer. She couldn't live under the same roof as that woman anymore and knew that as long as she had shared custody, she would never let them in peace. Yugyeom and Yujin were living proof that mrs. Kang didn't care about their age or autonomy. She would always find a way to control them, to hurt them in every way. “I want to live with you and _eomeonim_ , dad”.

Kwang-min nodded, squeezing his temples to get rid of the tears that were at the corners of his bruised eyes.

“Yujin has his own family now…” he says with a sigh because he felt like it had taken too long to make that decision. “And now you will lose your two youngest children”.

“You can't do that… you can't-”

“I'm going to spend every penny I have to make dad win our guard, omma. You'll never come near us again.” Yugyeom said through his teeth. Bo-Young shook her head, breathing without rhythm, pursing his lips as his stomach hurt. The woman was crazy enough not to think it was fair to be left in this way and condemned for having worked for the sake of her own family's survival because in her mind all she had done was for her children and her husband. The actor smiled. “Never again”.

**\- iii –**

“I can't believe our family gets in this point,” Yujin says pushing the shopping cart down the market. They were shopping for the first-time parent meeting at the hospital where Yong-sun would have their baby after the woman's checkup and had volunteered to bring snacks. “I have to say I was surprised when dad called for Yong-sun's opinion because part of me hoped things would get better one day”.

Yugyeom snapped his tongue, opening a bag of chips, picking another to his bother and sister-in-law.

“If you thought that, you were more naive than I thought. Our mother has no way to change, she simply is like she is and nothing in the world would make her change herself.” he said skeptically, stuffing his mouth with chips. “I think our father wait too much to do something about it”.

Yujin nodded.

Kwang-min had been as naive as his eldest son, he had waited for many years for his ex-wife to come back to herself and improve as a mother, to take care of her children and to love them, yet nothing had changed the woman. When Yujin left, she just ignored him and acted as if it was expected that a son who did not accept the profession his mother chose did not deserve her.

When Yugyeom decided to live far away, she acted as if he were crazy and unable to realize that he would not survive without her. And when Yuri decided to quit the sport to become a singer, she laughs and said she hoped to see her regret herself and come back home.

Nothing in the world would change such a woman, and anyone who expected a miracle to happen was too naive, too ignorant to understand that this woman was the devil in person and that perhaps only God could transform her life. In another life at least.

“She will fight to win the custody process, you know right?” Yujin asked, taking out his credit card to pay. “You can exclude her from your finances, but our grandparents still pay for Yuri, she has part of our father's family inheritance, and we know mom can survive with our sister money when she gets it”.

“Not if our father wins against her.” Yugyeom closed the package and stuffed it in his brother's bag. “If she loses, Yuri's money will be Yuri's and not her. She can't suck any penny from her”.

Yujin did not believe his mother would lose because they would have to say things that could harm them in public and did not know if he was really ready to have his career dragged because of his family.

“I know you're worried about it.” Yugyeom says, holding his brother by the arm as they left the market. The older sighed deeply. He was worried but he didn't want to ruin things for his siblings, he knew they were still too tormented by their mother. “You just made your clinic got prestigious and you're going to be a dad, going public with things that happened and happen in our family can hurt you and I understand, but we can't keep waiting for mom to change without doing anything”.

He knew that Yugyeom was right, that it was best to take out the woman's power over them and to find the peace they deserved. Yujin just hoped that he could handle anything he was going to face and that his surname wouldn't end up being teased by other psychologists — not to mention his wife's career, he hoped the woman would still be considered a lawyer of respect and prestige because she definitely deserved it.

“Let's forget about this until the lawyers have a solid case.” Yujin says and Yugyeom nodded. “I don't want to think about it and end up stressing me out… I just hope everything works out and dad can control the situation without harming us anymore”.

Yugyeom also hoped that everything would work out, he wanted to see his sister at least have a quiet adult life to not have scars as her older siblings. He would do everything to make it work because he needed to see their mother away from them.

“Can you drop me on the subway?” he asked, buckling up. He ran his hands through his hair, remembering that he had to cut it because they are too long, and took his phone out of his pocket. “I think I'm going to the ACE studio to see the troupe. Woozi keeps texting me complaining that I haven't seen them yet”.

“I thought you would go to the appointment with us?” the older one asked, starting to leave the market parking lot. Yugyeom had come up with the idea of going with her brother and sister-in-law to the doc someday because he wanted to see the baby's ultrasound and watch their activities but didn't want to risk finding Jinyoung. “He won't be there”.

“Who guarantees it to you?” Yugyeom gritted his teeth, leaning his head. Yujin rolled his eyes. “You said that he shows up to see the twins because Heejin won't let him get close, so I don't want to risk seeing him”.

Yujin snorted.

“Did you know that you look like a fucking child when you act this way?” he asked his brother, taking the road to Seoul, where Yong-sun would be waiting for him. “He usually sends messages to Yong-sun to check if the twins' babysitters will take them or if it's Heejin, so he won't have any surprises when he shows up”.

Yugyeom narrows his eyes to analyze his brother's profile. He knew that Yujin hoped that the actor and the writer would talk about what had happened in the past because he believed that his brother was sabotaging the possibility of having something serious and real with someone who was not as problematic and confused — better saying, Kim Yujin had become a big fan of Park Jinyoung and wanted to have the man with his brother-in-law despite his younger brother's stubbornness.

“Are you sure?” the eldest nodded firmly, even though he wasn't one hundred percent sure. He didn't remember asking Yong-sun if Jinyoung had texted them or if she had talked to the twins' nanny last night, but he didn't really care. Deep down Yujin hoped that Jinyoung would show up at the hospital because, although it seemed like a lie, he knew his brother wanted to have a chance to let the older man explain. Yugyeom sighed and opened Woozi's chat to apologize. “I hope I don't regret it hyung”.

An ultrasound had been the most amazing thing Yugyeom had ever seen. The _bean_ inside his sister-in-law was no more than two months and a week old, but it was the cutest thing in the universe for the baby uncle, who was eager to meet the future Kim family member — Yugyeom knew he would spoil that child a lot.

“I can't wait to hear the heart!” the actor smiled sitting next to his sister-in-law, putting a glass of water for her. “Did you cry when you first saw the _beans_ or acted like a cool dad and waited to cry at home?”

“He cried holding our pediatrician!” Yong-sun says too loud, making her husband roll his eyes and her brother-in-law laugh. Yugyeom could imagine the scene as if he had witnessed it because Yujin had always been dramatic. “It was so funny, the doctor got so scared”.

“In my defense, it's a lot for a first-time dad to handle without having a mental breakdown, okay? When she showed that tiny _bean_ , I couldn't hold back. It was so beautiful”.

“And that it is a little _bean_.” Yong-sun touched Yugyeom's leg to get his attention. “A little dot on the screen and he freaked out about it Gyeom. In fact, he took a picture and sent it to all his friends”.

“The most beautiful _bean_ I've ever made in my life!” Yujin mocking back, impatiently. “You will understand when you have your own children Gyeom-ah.” the man holding his wife's hand, kissing the soft and warm skin. The actor smiled. He didn't want to be a father, he had too much trouble to put a child into the world. “You'll understand how I felt about my little _bean_ when you had your first child”.

Yugyeom nodded because he did not want to spoil his brother's joy by saying that he did not intend to have children — when they were younger, they always said they would have children and that their children would be the best cousins in the entire universe. Now Yugyeom was sure that Yuri has a need to rush her contribution so Yujin's baby had a cousin because he did not intend to have children anymore.

They laughed at the elder's drama until a woman called them into a room, where Yujin explained that they would do some activities and have a group conversation with the other parents. Yugyeom took off his shoes as he was told and smiled as he greeted the people who were already sitting on the carpet — most seemed really surprised to see him, one woman even grabbed his hand and say nonstop that she was a fan of his work and didn't believe she was meeting him.

Yujin laughed and pulled his brother to sit beside his wife on the carpet. The actor tried to smile less anxiously or tense when a baby, a girl, held his coat and her mother laughed about it.

The boy tried to ignore the weight of the baby's fingers on his coat, because he was there to accompany his family and see them having fun, not to stop freaking out over such a tiny child and her visible fan girl mother — he was so focused on the conversation with Yujin that he didn't notice when Yong-sun stood towards the person who had just arrived.

He shifted his eyes toward his sister-in-law, clenching his jaw as she carried a baby from the arms of a woman with too light blond hair. Yujin had said they were close to Jinyoung and his children, and the other baby on the woman's arm was the answer to Yugyeom’s doubt. Those were Park Jinyoung and Do Heejin children’s.

“Yugyeom-ah?” Yong-sun called her brother-in-law, walking towards him with the baby in her arms. The boy widened his eyes without understanding why the woman was kneeling in front of him with the child. She held the boy's hand, moving his arms away from the body before placing the baby in his arms. The actor's jaw dropped and he held the child tightly because his sister-in-law had moved away before he could protest. “I'll get Ra-won and you do it with See Ahn”.

“Hyung…?” Yugyeom's voice trembled. He tried to bounce the baby back toward his brother, but Yujin shoved his hands in his pockets and shook his head. He widened his eyes. “I can't hold this baby, for God's sake Yujin!” the actor whispered scared, not knowing why his heart was beating so hard. The child in his arms made a strange sound and began to cry. Yugyeom widened his eyes, watching his brother try to hold back his laughter. “Oh my god, my god. What do I do?”

“Make him stop crying.” Yong-sun laughed sitting next to Yugyeom with the other baby while the blonde woman sat with the other parents on the couch. She was probably the nanny Yujin had mentioned to him before. The baby cries a little bit loud. “Try rocking him a little”.

“I don't want to!” Yugyeom croaked roughly, making the child cry even louder. He rose automatically, making the woman beside him startle and the baby drops his coat. The actor forced the muscles of his face to smile at the other parents without taking his eyes off Yujin smiling face. He had no idea what to do. “Okay, okay we can do it…”

As best he could, he turned the baby in his arms so that he was facing him and smiled, rocking the child in his arms slowly, patting his belly the way he remembered seeing his grandmother doing with his cousin's youngest son. Yugyeom’s expression turned to relief as the child stopped crying slowly without taking his eyes off him — the boy had Jinyoung's eyes and lips. See Ahn. Park See Ahn. Yugyeom could not deny it, that child was really cute. The baby took the boy's hand in his soft and small hands and laughed kicking the air, making the actor laugh too.

“You're good at this!” Yong-sun said happily, making the girl in her arms sit on the carpet. Jinyoung's children were probably around eight months old now, they were two beautiful dark-haired, dark-eyed children like their father. Beautiful kids. “We probably won't need a nanny when our _bean_ born Yujin, we have Yugyeom”.

“Or maybe he's good only with Jinyoung's kids”.

Yugyeom gritted his teeth, rolling his eyes at their mocking jokes, and turned to face the child again, smiling as he saw him get his thumb into his mouth. The child bit his finger hard, making the older man shake his head and wiggle his thumb out of his grasp.

He could not believe he was holding Park Jinyoung's son with such affection, that the child was so calm in his arms and that he was not disgusted by being near something that had come out of Do Heejin. He was truly surprised at the way this boy looked at him with his dark eyes as if he knew he was safe in the arms of this stranger who had once dared to try to be part of his father's life.

“Ah Jinyoung, you have arrived just in time!” Kim Yugyeom's calm heart from those small black eyes sped up at that name, his hands went cold and his skin around the child seemed to burn as if is it a punished by a sin. He lifted his head, his lips parting in confusion as his eyes met Jinyoung's. He wants to say sorry to the man. “I was about to start”.

Park Jinyoung.

Jinyoung was standing in the living room door, the expression on his face a mixture of curiosity, fear, surprise, and, above all, missing. Yugyeom could not know or understand this, but Jinyoung had just realized how much he had missed the actor.

Park Jinyoung.

Yugyeom was, after months, in front of the only person who could still torment his heart in the most sweeping way possible.

He was facing the only man he had ever loved in his fucking life.


	25. it's always sunny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> | why do I have to be that dumb?

**\- i -**

Yugyeom looked down at the baby in his arms.

The baby's heavy is something the man probably could remember for days now, and the way the father’s baby looks at him too.

As he sits down again, knowing that Jinyoung was probably thinking something like ‘what the hell he is doing with my kids’, Yugyeom couldn't help but feel the anxiety rising in him.

Yujin calls him, telling him to sit and help them with the baby because the teacher needs to start the class, and the actor just nod and look straight to Jinyoung again.

The man was sitting across the room, next to the twins' nanny, and was struggling to keep himself busy — the woman seemed genuinely happy about the conversation, letting him know about the babies’ week, something that Yujin had told Yugyeom that Jinyoung paid for her pretend to Heejin that she follow the restricted order against him.

Yugyeom thought it was a small price to pay but he still found it unfair and had different opinions about this situation. For him, Jinyoung should have married Heejin as expected, the man should have kept his mouth shut and built the family he always wanted to have — Jackson had blurted out to Yugyeom that his longtime friend was fascinated by children, that he couldn't wait to have babies of his own.

So the actor felt that he had done the biggest mistake of his life by saying in public that he likes men and women, that he did not intend to marry his fiancé, and wanted the baby's custody. It was obvious that any judge could give the children's mother, who was in some people's minds, a model citizen, their custody.

“You can put him on the carpet Yugyeom.” Yujin whispered to his brother, making him shake his head and lookup. The boy was lost in his own thoughts to realize what everyone was doing. “He can crawl on his own”.

Yugyeom nodded, turning the baby over to place him sitting on the carpet like his sister. That was when he realized that his hands were shaking and that his thumbs were sore from the child's bites. He closed his fingers and patted his knee impatiently, biting the corner of his mouth as he waited.

“I can feel your nervousness from here…” Yong-sun shook her head, holding her brother-in-law's knee. The boy mouthed at her. “If you knew he would come and be like that, why did you come too?”

“I didn't know he was coming today! Yujin said he texts you when he'll show up okay.” Yugyeom whispered back, feeling the baby throw all his weight on his legs as he lay down. He closed his eyes and watched that little thing squirm. “This is ridiculous…”

Yong-sun laughed.

“He's just playing around” she said poking the boy's cheeks, making him laugh. The boy's sister seemed to be calmer than he was because she had been sitting since Yugyeom's sister-in-law had released her and had not dropped the toy she had been holding since. “And about Jinyoung, I warned your brother that he was coming today, to not bring you”.

Yugyeom parted his lips.

“Did you warn me?” Yujin asked too quickly, making clear the lie in his words. The actor turned to his brother with an annoyed expression, aware that if not for the children in the room he would have punched him in the head. Yujin smiled. “I think I just forgot about that detail. Sorry”.

“You will see only what you will feel when-”

“Okay!” the teacher shouted smiling, clapping to get everyone's attention. Yugyeom snorted through his nose and turned to the short brown-haired woman. “As we wind up a little late, let's make the conversation happen while we do the exercises with our kids okay?”

Yujin nudged Yugyeom with his elbow as everyone laid their babies on the carpet — those who were still waiting, such as Yong-sun used realistic dolls or children of those with more than one kid — to stretch their muscles.

“Don't you think I should go out and let him do it?” the actor asked his brother, holding the boy's feet as the teacher had told him and pushing his little legs up. Yujin showed his tongue to the child making him laugh. “He doesn't see his children in days, does he?”

“If he wanted to get you out of here, he would have already done it Yugyeom.” Yong-sun answered, making a funny face at the girl. “Stop screwing everything up and act weird, people don't stop looking at us”.

“Maybe because I am famous?” the boy teased, receiving a pinch from his brother in the thigh. “Okay, maybe because I am tense but in my defense…” he stopped to do what the teacher had said. “It's weird to be sitting here playing with his son while he's staring at us like that!”

“Maybe because he hasn't seen you in eight months?” Yujin questioned, putting his doll up. “It would be weird if he hadn't been watching you since you disappeared for so long… so just relax”.

The two held their respective babies by the hands — Yujin was doing the exercises with a real baby because Yugyeom had taken possession of his activity mate. When Jinyoung could not show up at the hospital, it was usually Yujin who took care of See Ahn — and the actor's heart stopped when the child let his thumbs go and fall on the carpet.

He widened his eyes.

Luckily, Yugyeom reacted quickly enough to control the child's cry, taking him in his trembling hands and cradling him against his chest as he repeated. He was so focused on not letting See Ahn cry that he didn't even realize that Jinyoung had risen the moment his son fell from Yugyeom’s hands and threatened to cry and that his expression was a mixture of fear and relief — he was waiting for the moment. For Yugyeom to freak out with the child, he knew that the actor didn't like Heejin enough to make him uncomfortable with her children.

“I am wondering if you're being so protective of See Ahn because he's just a baby, or because he's Jinyoung's baby”.

Yugyeom glared at his brother and almost called him an idiot about his words, but the child in his lap made a 'pope' sound and all his attention turned to him again — he wasn't sure why either. Whether it was because See Ahn was such a cute little kid or because he is Jinyoung's son that his protective instinct was so prominent.

All he knew was that he didn't want to let the boy cry, even though he was nervous and doing something he never imagined himself to do, Yugyeom wanted to do just like the other parents and his sister-in-law, who made Rowan laugh as if he were going to be sick. He wanted to make Jinyoung stop looking at him as if he was afraid the actor would hurt his son in some way.

When the teacher clap and thanked them all, Yugyeom moved the child toward his brother to return him to his father, but his jaw dropped when he saw Yujin hurry up toward the teacher. Yong-sun, as if he knew what her brother-in-law was going to ask, grabbed Rowan in her arms and shrugged that he could not carry both children at the same time.

He swallowed and lowered his head not knowing what to do. Should he leave the child on the floor and wait for Jinyoung to come to the kid or should he simply give the baby to the nanny as if he had not seen the writer sitting next to her? His doubts were ridiculous, he knew he couldn't act like a complete idiot but he didn't want to get close to Jinyoung because being in the same room is enough.

He put See Ahn’s dark hair out of his eyes, making the child laugh and throw his whole body toward him — Yugyeom took him with mastery, though his shaking hands were already comfortable with the child and could handle his urges to be playing in your arms for no reason. The actor shook the child, making him laugh in despair, and then set him on the carpet. He had no idea why Jinyoung had not sent the nanny to take the child from his arms.

“Is your father waiting for me to give you to him?” Yugyeom asked See Ahn, who laughed. The man approached the child, getting a saliva bite on the chin when the boy was able to reach his goal. “Ya baby, will you eat my face?” the actor laughed at the child, who laughed too and kicked in his lap as if struck by a stream of joy. “How am I going to give you back to your dad huh? I honestly don't want to-”

“Stop stuffing the child's ears and get up for God's sake.” Yujin complained to his younger brother, who stood up and holding the child with one arm. “How do you have the confidence to hold him like that? What if he falls?”

“He will not”.

“How can you be sure?”

“Because I am holding him!” Yugyeom replied as if it were the most obvious thing of all. And as if it were a test, the actor put his hand on the child's calf and put him upside down, hearing him laugh and his hands startle. See Ahn laughed so loudly that he make his sister look at him and Yong-sun wanted to kill her brother-in-law. Yujin's eyes widened so big that Yugyeom rolls his eyes. “Why are you being so dramatic? He won't break… just look at how he's having fun.” Yugyeom says, bringing See Ahn back to him as he hugged his tiny body. The boy projected his lips because the man spoiling his fun, which made the actor want to bite his cheeks. “He's too cute God, how-”

“You can't do that!” Yugyeom heard Jinyoung's deep voice next to them. He shifted his gaze away from the child in his arms, who took advantage to bite his face again. The child's father pursed his lips as he realized he had raised his voice and everyone was staring at them because of it. “He could have fallen and get injured”.

Yugyeom felt his heart clench.

Not because they are face-to-face, so close, not because Jinyoung is talking to him but because of the fear on the writer's face. Jinyoung really thought Yugyeom would be able to drop that child or hurt him on purpose and he could see it in his face.

His hand took a protective position on See Ahn’s back, which made a sound of joy as he drooled all over Yugyeom's face and he frowned, angry at the older man's words.

“I would never let him fall!” he said incredulously, not realizing how far he had moved away from the child's father as if he did not want to return the baby to him. Jinyoung swallowed and reached for his son but Yugyeom moved his shoulder to the side, blocking him. He wasn't even realizing how wrong that was, that it was Jinyoung who should be mad. Yugyeom turned his head when he feels someone touch him. “Noona, can we go now?”

Yong-sun smiled at Yugyeom, running her soft hands over the boy's arms without taking her eyes from his, then taking the baby out of his embrace and making the actor realize the obvious. He was trying to leave with someone’s baby, which is why Jinyoung was so impatient.

“I didn't realize…” he whispered to his sister-in-law, receiving a smiling nod before seeing her go toward the child's father. Yong-sun placed a kiss on See Ahn’s forehead before returning him to Jinyoung, who smiled as if he had never seen his son before and filled him with kisses on the soft cheeks. “I am so sorry, I wasn’t thinking”.

“No problem, it's fine.” Jinyoung squeezed the kid. “You'd be surprised how many people have done something like that. One-day Yong-sun noona put him in the car with her without realizing it. He's kind of a magnet to everyone, so this is really fine”.

Maybe he was. It was the only, illogical, excuse for how empty Yugyeom had felt when Yong-sun had taken the boy from his arms. Maybe everyone would feel this way and it was See Ahn’s own thing to make the others feel protective of him because Yugyeom would have left the room with the boy in his arms if it not been for Yong-sun.

He nodded without saying anything, searching his brother with the eyes before turning away from the writer and sister-in-law. He stuck to Yujin like gum and only moved out of his brother's personal space when everyone left the room and he needed to put on his shoes. Yugyeom ran toward his family, watching them talk and laugh with Jinyoung.

“We're going to the playroom.” Yong-sun laughed, squinting, patting the boy's arm. He raised his eyebrows. “We ended up spending all the time Jinyoung had to play with the kids, let's go with him”.

“Why?”

“She literally just explained why.” Yujin rolled his eyes at his brother and held him by the back of his neck, turning him around. Yugyeom didn't want to go. “And you are going with us…” the older one pushed him, getting close enough to say something in his ears. “Jinyoung’s request, not mine”.

Yugyeom's body jerked forward, being pushed by his older brother into the room. Yong-sun was chattering about why they had to help, apparently, Heejin made the nanny take pictures when other couples asked her to leave the twins for other exercises — first-time parents in most cases — and the woman had no idea they were from Kim’s family.

It was how Jinyoung got more time with his children, thanks to Yujin and Yong-sun who were always willing to help the writer when he needs. The five adults entered the room — Yujin pulled his wife toward a couple they seemed to know, the nanny excused herself and disappeared through the door, and Jinyoung grabbed Yugyeom by the wrist.

“I asked them to leave us alone.” the writer was known to be short and straight. Yugyeom looked toward his arm, where Jinyoung was holding him. He had forgotten the texture of his hand. “How about if you catch Rowan this time and I get See Ahn with me?”

“I don't think-”

“Please?” Jinyoung cut him off with a smile, leaning in to get a look straight into his eyes. Yugyeom held his lower lip between his teeth and looked away. “Gyeom-ah, I really need you to do this for me. I know it is a lot to ask, but please help me spend some time with my kids”.

It was unfair.

It was unfair that Jinyoung had to ask others to lie for him so that he could see his own children grow up. It was unfair that he was stupid enough to declare himself bisexual in public when he knew what kind of country he lived in when he knew he would lose all chances of taking care of his own children because of it.

It was unfair that he was just asking Yugyeom to help him spend time with his children because the actor didn't want to be dragged into this problem. He wanted nothing to do with the elder and his children, just wanted to forget everything and move on.

“You already have my brother and sister-in-law.” Yugyeom pulled his arm away, rubbing the spot Jinyoung had held him. He didn't want to act like an idiot, just didn't want to force himself to be around the older any longer. “And I have an important appointment now, so-”

“Your brother said you canceled everything to have the day off and stay with them.” Jinyoung smiled without looking at the actor, blowing See Ahn’s fluffy red cheeks. The boy hid his face in his father's neck and laughed. “I know you're lying to get away from me”.

Yugyeom sighed deeply.

He would kill his brother and sister-in-law at the first opportunity.

“Okay! You're right, I am running away because I don't want to-”

“We don't need to talk if we don't want to.” Jinyoung moved his eyes to Yugyeom. The younger one closed his fingers over the soft fabric of his coat, trying to ignore the chill that had gone up to his hands to him thanks to the older man. Jinyoung put Rowan in Yugyeom’s embrace and smile at them. “Just stay here with me and let me look at you a little, Kim Yugyeom. I just want to look at you, just a little”.

**\- ii –**

For Jinyoung, looking at Yugyeom was like being on a sunny day. The boy was like a warm and welcoming day, ready to embrace everyone’s bodies and make people feel euphoric about his presence as if he was sent to the world to brighten the sadness from everyone’s heart.

And the funniest part was that Kim Yugyeom had no idea how warm he was, how charming and how he had melted Park Jinyoung's heart in the short time they were together — he had no idea how he was slowly falling in love while playing friends with benefits, how much Jinyoung loved to admire him sleep, smile, fight, scream. He had no idea how much the writer loved his sunny day, day after day, hour after hour.

When Jinyoung realized that he was in love with Yugyeom it was too late. The man had boarded a plane and didn't seem to want to go back anymore — he knew that Yugyeom didn't want to go back when Jackson called him one night, saying that he had received a company refusal because the actor was going through a possible contract shift to New York. By the time, he realized that his feelings were strong enough but that was too late, Yugyeom had been gone for four months and he was a father for two.

When he realized that he had fallen in love it was too late, his children were six months old and the judge had finally said that Jinyoung couldn’t see them, that he should only pay their child support and live his promiscuous life away. When he realized that he needed Yugyeom in his life to endure some injuries, it was too late and he was desperate for just a moment with his babies, who were the loves of his existence.

Jinyoung realized that he loved Yugyeom the moment he walked into the room and saw him with See Ahn in his arms, a frightening smile on his face — that's when he knew he hadn't really moved on.

He knew when he had to say good-bye to Yujin and Yong-sun, that he might never see Yugyeom again because the man really seemed to have moved on like Heejin used to spit in his face because Jinyoung could feel the scorn in his gaze — he knew he wouldn't see him anymore.

“Stupid of me thinking that I could make him come back to me after everything I said and did to him!” Jinyoung laughs, push Jackson’s hand to his face. He was complaining about Yugyeom for almost an hour nonstop and the Chinese couldn't take it anymore. “Who in their right mind would end their career because of me? Being around me is suicide and everyone knows it, of course he-”

“Will he keep this up for too long?” Mark asked his boyfriend, yawning. “It's three o'clock in the morning. I have to work early tomorrow and I want to sleep…” the American sighed rubbing his eyes. “When will he shut up and fall asleep for God’s sake?”

“I have no idea.” The Chinese answer, rolling his eyes, refilling Jinyoung’s glass. “And I hope he reimburses me for the drink, it's already the second bottle. Doesn't he get tired?”

Mark flopped down on the couch next to Jinyoung and croaked impatiently. They adored his friend, had stood by his side when things got bad and Jinyoung almost went broke, but he wasn't patient enough to put up with that conversation again — when the writer told that he was having a relationship with Yugyeom, they needed to hear the stories for days. Then they had to deal with Jinyoung complaining about being stupid, missing Yugyeom, missing his kids, and stuffs like that.

They can’t take that drama anymore.

“Ya!” Mark shouted sitting up. “If you're so hurt, why don't you knock on his door?” he asked crossing his arms. “I want to sleep and you're bothering us, Jinyoung-ah. We can't do anything about it, Jackson already tried to make him have lunch with you so you could talk, but he doesn't want to! Why don't you forget about him?”

“I was starting to forget about him…” Jinyoung whimpered drunk, turning to hug Mark. “But have you ever seen that smile, hyung? It's like sunshine in my life, I can't resist that smile Mark hyung, I can’t”.

“Then go and tell him, not me!” Mark shouted pushing Jinyoung away, receiving an ugly look from his boyfriend. It would be crazy to let the writer out in that state to talk to Yugyeom, but the American would rather be radical than listen to him cry again. “Jinyoung-ah, in my opinion, you should be honest with him. It's no use telling his brother and sister-in-law and waiting for that to touch that fool's heart, you have to go there and-”

“Hyung!” Jackson croaked to his boyfriend. “Stop brainstorming him, he'll end up do it so we'll have to deal with-Jinyoung? Where is Jinyoung, hyung? Oh, fuck God! Where did he go?”

Jinyoung really took Mark's words. He pulled off his coat and walked out the door, leaving them both unaware of his disappearance until he was in his own car. The writer stared at the track for a long time, trying to get his eyes to work properly after having drunk so much. It didn't take long for to him realize that he was too drunk to drive safely.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

Someone spoke on the other end of the line, but Jinyoung smiled as he saw a drunk resident get out from a cab. He stumbled out, waving for the driver — and even ran a little behind the car before felt something hit his left leg, knocking him over. Jinyoung laughed and got into the car, scrubbing the seat and lying there, saying Yugyeom address.

The actor lived in the same condo block as him, so he just needs to pretend to have misplaced the address and ringing the actor's bell as the most normal thing ever.

As soon as he reached the boy's door, he remembered all the nights he had slept there and smiled, sticking his finger in the doorbell without hesitation. He kept his finger there until he heard the door open and someone screams.

“Who are you?” Jinyoung sobbed, pursing his lips, squinting to make sure he'd knocked on the right door. That was Yugyeom's apartment number for sure. He is drunk and not an idiot. “Who are you?”

“Jinyoung-ssi?” the man asked in confusion. “Are you drunk?”

“Who are you?” he asked again. “This is my-ah friend's house. My friend's house.” he said impatiently, pushing the man out of his way as he entered the house. “How did you get in here?”

“Jinyoung-ssi, is me? Noa?” the Japanese laughed at the other's condition, closing the door with his foot as he helped him down the stairs and into Yugyeom's living room. “You met me a long time ago, I am-”

“Hyung?” the Japanese's voice was disturbed by Yugyeom's sleepy voice, who came out of the room rubbing his eyes. The youngest stopped right where he was, staring at Jinyoung with wide eyes. The older man's heartbeat quickened. “Jinyoung-ssi? What are you-"

Jinyoung felt like he was melting into Yugyeom's hands, his whole body tingled and his heart quickened as he realized that despite the surprise, the youngest had returned his kiss without hesitation — maybe everyone was wrong, maybe Yugyeom hadn't moved on and still felt something for him like Yujin said.

The writer almost fell as Noa, who had the angriest expression he had ever seen, pulled his body away from Yugyeom. The Japanese threatened to punch him but Yugyeom stopped him. The younger pushed Noa against the wall, holding his arms and whispering something too close to his neck for Jinyoung to hear.

Noa turned to Yugyeom with angry eyes, asking if he was stupid or if he really believed in his own words. Jinyoung blinked, looking down at them. They were too close — they were both wearing nightclothes, Yugyeom was only in sweatpants, and Noa in his underwear. And the taller man's body was all pressed into the smaller's as if he didn't care that his hips were too close together in that position.

That's when Jinyoung got it.

Maybe he was too dumb to understand that Heejin was right, Kim Yugyeom had never felt anything for him and was fine, moving on with his life as he continued to wonder why something so good hadn't worked out. It was obvious what was happening.

Noa was furious that his boyfriend had kissed another person.

Jinyoung hated himself for listening to Mark because his life was too fucked up for him to want to fuck someone else's life just because he believed he deserved a spark of joy. He muttered an apology that was too loud, making Yugyeom turn startled at him.

His chest was heavy as he felt two strong arms gripping him around the waist, pulling him off the ground and turning him in the opposite direction from where he was going. Jinyoung tried to act like a drunken child, embarrassingly apologizing and trying to hold on to any solid surface while Yugyeom forced him into the room that was probably him and Noa’s bedroom — the actor close the door.

The writer leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes, hearing the shouts on the other side without knowing what to do. He couldn't believe he had kissed someone else's boyfriend as if he had the right to touch Yugyeom like that after letting him go without even a goodbye. He must be too fucked up to be doing that.

He stepped back when he heard the doorknob and swallowed as Yugyeom entered the room, the left side of his mouth red and bruised because Noa had probably punched him. The younger sighed and turned the key in the door, pushing Jinyoung toward the bed.

“Gyeom-ah, I had no idea!” Jinyoung tried to say, but Yugyeom just ignored him and knelt in front of him as he made him sit down. The boy took off the writer's shoes, then pushed his torso and unzipped his jeans. Jinyoung opens and closes his mouth. “What you-”

“Putting you to sleep.” Yugyeom answer coldly, gripping the jeans with firm hands and pulling the material out of Jinyoung's hips, who bit his cheeks as he felt the cold air touch his skin. “You're clearly drunk and I don't want to go out to take you home. I don't want to risk being seen with you…” of course he didn't want to. No famous man wanted to be seeing with Jinyoung to not having their sexuality questioned. “You can't give Heejin any more motives to fuck you, Yong-sun was work harder on your case, so let's not get caught together okay? I don’t want to give anything to that woman try to use it against you”.

Jinyoung raised his head.

He didn't believe Yugyeom was really taking his side in this situation after they had shouted at each other in the parking lot about how stupid the writer was to not married Heejin and been a good father to his children. Jinyoung thought that Yugyeom didn't give a damn, he had made it clear that he didn't want to know about this situation and didn't care.

However here he was, taking care of Jinyoung for not wanting to let the man be caught in that situation next to another man so that Heejin could use it when Yong-sun tried to reopen the twin's custody case. The writer, for a second, wanted to kiss the actor again, to show how happy he was about it.

“I am so sorry for your boyfriend”.

“He wasn’t.” Yugyeom whispered getting rid of Jinyoung's shirt because he knew the older used to sleep naked. He left only his underwear and socks, helping him lie down and covering him. “Now sleep”.

“Sleep here with me?” Jinyoung asked holding Yugyeom's hand, which shook his head. He squeezed the boy's fingers harder, aware of how vulnerable he was. “I said I needed to keep looking at you that day, didn't I? Now I need you to sleep with me… please? You said he's not your boyfriend and I don't care if you guys are having sex-”

“Why are you doing this?” Yugyeom wants to know. He couldn’t understand why Jinyoung was being so insistent after such a long time, after having treated him coldly when the younger tried to have a final conversation before leaving Korea to work in New York. Yugyeom, despite all the fear of becoming like his mother, tried to get them to close that door as best they could. Jinyoung decided to treat him badly and let him go without saying goodbye. The boy sighed. “I don’t want to fight with you, you're drunk. Sleep”.

The writer projected his lips like a small child and pulled Yugyeom closer to him, bringing him to his knees on the bed and on his own body. He wanted the boy as close as possible.

When Kim Yugyeom left Korea, Park Jinyoung was sure he had made a terrible mistake. He had spent a year with that man, acting and saying things based on something that had happened between them two years ago — such a controversial event that Yugyeom don’t know about, and Jinyoung insisted on calling ground zero for his hate against the actor. The writer had spent months in this madness friends with benefits to have just a moment in heaven with Yugyeom, though he never admitted and was now sure that those moments had been the best of his life in years.

He had ruined everything because they believe only in his version of what had taken him until the moment they met, and the writer made it plain to everyone that he hated the actor. Jinyoung had ruined everything by forcing himself on Yugyeom's life after having offended him so much, and he knew he needed to grasp every opportunity to do things differently and the actor's return was like a shooting star granting a wish for him, to do everything different this time.

Without hesitation, Yugyeom sighed deeply and shoved his arm from Jinyoung's grip. The older man sat up quickly, his face inches from the other. He would not simply let his one fulfilled wish escape.

“I missed you!” the only problem was that Jinyoung didn't know how much Yugyeom had changed since they stopped everything nine months ago. He had no idea if he was the same indifferent, cold, troubled Yugyeom who had left him on his knees, the same boy who surprised him and made him question his sanity for fall in love with. Their lips touched between a deep, trembling sigh. “I missed you Yugyeom”.

“Jinyoung-ah” Yugyeom bit his cheeks, pushing the man away by the shoulder. He had a long talk with Yujin and was willing to listen to the elder, but wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the part where he made his feelings clear. For the actor things had not stopped, he had done things, met people, and discovered worlds. Of course Yugyeom thought about Jinyoung, he called for him while burying himself in someone else, but it was fleeting details, extreme needs situations. “We can’t. Our time is over now hyung. You can't kiss me that way anymore. It's not right”.

Jinyoung's heart ached.

He had never been a dramatic person who sought suffering and played like a sad poor boy. He was serious, mature, and wise compared to his friends, but he couldn't help feeling like a crumpled rose after those words because Yugyeom had been in all his good and bad thoughts all along — it was like having something ripped off.

Jinyoung laughed through his nose, moving his gaze away from Yugyeom's cold black eyes. He had no idea how much Yugyeom had changed all this time, but if he could concentrate a little he could feel the gulf between them the moment he walked through his door and kissed him. Yugyeom hadn't returned the kiss not for missing him.

He was so stupid to think that maybe Yujin was right, they could both have a chance if he tried to win him back. But Yugyeom didn't want that, he had moved on and turned into a new person. They had no chance anymore, it was written on the younger man's face — he had missed his one chance, the shooting star had been a figment of his imagination.

“I think I lost you forever this time”.

Yugyeom looked at him with a confused expression. Jinyoung looked hurt, his words and smile looking sadder than he wanted to show the other man and this made the actor feel guilty because it looked like he had done something wrong again.

He opened and closed his mouth, not knowing what to say.

He didn't know if he should answer because it wasn't like they had a relationship before. Jinyoung and Yugyeom were friends with benefits and nothing more than that, there were never feelings — not from the eldest — above the friendship they had built over the movie shooting. They had sex, it was never more than that to the elder saying that kind of thing like he had lost something that had never really been his.

His words made Yugyeom feel as if he had done something wrong, but at the same time made him feel furious because they had never been at each other to the younger become the villain for not wanting to be hurt anymore.

He chose not to say anything, just gestured for Jinyoung to lie down and sleep before fully moving away from the bed, leaving the other in the darkness of the silent bedroom. The first thing Yugyeom did as he walked through the door was to cling to the wall, closing his eyes and breathing fast. His heart had quickened the instant he realized that the door he had tried so hard to close had been sealed for some time now.

He had not realized that missing Jinyoung, thinking of him, and dreaming of him was a remnant of something that had not yet been completed but that seeing him that day at the hospital and shouting at him in the parking lot had been the endpoint. They had said goodbye without realizing it, had closed all the doors and windows that could lead them to each other's lives again through angry screams and indifference.

He had let Jinyoung go.

Yugyeom thumped his chest, calming his heartbeat, and crawled to the couch, lying down and hugging a pillow. He felt as if a car had passed over his body, as if his mind was numb and his face was tingling — it was unbelievable the feeling of letting someone go, of giving up something he had wanted so long in silence.

Jinyoung, on the other hand, felt as if something had died. He had taken too long to realize the obvious, to forgive himself for hating Yugyeom and loving him at the same time, for hurting the man and letting him go without really saying what he thought and felt. To Jinyoung it was as if his heart had died a little on that cold night.

Yugyeom had let him go and Jinyoung knew that now.

The older man sniffed with a smile, picking up the phone. He wiped his eyes and opened the message, feeling his stomach hurt. They had not been texting for some time.

 **_@dandelion_ ** _send a message to you._

| 3:56 AM I know it's been a long time since  
last time I texted you…

but are you awake?  
I need someone to talk to

Jinyoung was an idiot.

He was the idiot who had forced himself into Yugyeom's life in every way possible, the idiot who had acted as if he didn't care, as if he'd never felt anything for him before. The idiot who had pretended too long to be someone he really wasn't.

He licked his lips, staring at the boy's message without really stopping before answering, even though he knew it was wrong.

 **@thissoul_die**  
| 3:59 AM this is true, long time no see  
but I am always here for you

let's go to kakao

 **to: saya  
** hyung do you remember that person who  
I said I was falling in love?

who did I run from?

 **Saya**  
the person you worked for?  
yeah… what happened?

Yugyeom crossed his legs and wiped the corners of his eyes, wondering how he should respond. He knew that no matter how long he stayed away or how much he ignored him, he could always count on Saya when he needed something — the actor knew he could trust the faceless stranger because they would never meet in person so they could not hurt each other with the secrets they shared.

 **to: saya  
** I finally let him go hyung **  
**it was simpler than I expected, I think I left him **  
**go a few days when we meet and I did not  
realized that until I saw him in front of me

Jinyoung wanted to scream.

He wanted to open the door and yell at Yugyeom, which meant that he couldn't leave him again like that, couldn't just let him go that way after they'd grown up so much together. He wanted to grab Yugyeom and say how sorry he was for making him close that conclusion, to make him simply close all the doors and scare off his love like that. He wanted to, but he knew deep down that he had no right to want anything.

 **to: saya**  
but why does something necessary hurt so much?  
why does it have to hurt so much hyung?

Shouldn't it be simpler to let someone go?  
because I keep telling myself it's better this way  
and that we would never have worked out

The writer wanted to rip his heart out of being so quick to read those messages because he deserved to know how bad he had been for this boy. In the past Yugyeom had said it was his fault that things between them had gotten so confusing, that he had forced Jinyoung into his life, that it was his fault that his future marriage had almost ended and his family had been almost destroyed but deep down the man knew it wasn't true.

The one to blame was Jinyoung for lying, for hiding, for doubting the youngest and his feelings. It was because of him that Yugyeom was hurt now, for insisting, after all, he had let go — he might have fought the younger man's decisions, but he chose the easy way, chose to let Yugyeom leave even though he knew he could have the family I wanted next to the youngest. Jinyoung was guilty of everything.

|4: 23 AM but I still want to go back to the room where he is...  
why does it have to be like this?

| why do I have to be that dumb?


End file.
